Seeking Insight with girlfriend.

[Cheeko]

Hey just looking for some input / advice for me (36m) and my gf(35f)

I'll try to make this as short as possible.

 

We've been together for 7 months, relationship has been very good  compared to past relationships for both of us.

 

But she  brought up a little while ago that she catches me checking out women, which has never been brought up to me in past relationships, ever. We got into a pretty nad argument once about it, and semi resolved it and I have been working on not doing it since.

 

Yesterday though she got weird, shut down, after being fine, loving, affectionate and everything. Skip ahead she said I turned my head to look at someone driving.. which I do not recall a women. Only situation I can think of is when I was looking down a road to see if a cop was still blocking it as we jus detoured and traffic was coming through. I tried to Tall to her about it, but since I said there was no women that I remember. It's pointless as I don't know what she's talking about, and she refused to elaborate on it and walked away.

I tried giving her space today too but jn the end I was rhe bad guy giving her the silent treatment, even though I tried many times to have light conversation with her.. which she stated that I was trying to just move past it without a resolution.

 

I value our relationship and her, and I have focused very hard to focus solely on her while we are out but I feel from our past argument she doesn't believe me when I speak the truth about not looking at a women.

 

Sorry for the length any insight or opinion is appreciated on how to approach her as she is very upset and told me to sleep on thr couch which she has never done in our past two arguments. I'm also going to speak to my councilor tomorrow for some insight.

 

Thanks!

[MissCanuck]

I dated a man like this. 

It was exhausting, and I felt disrespected being under constant suspicion. And this? don't enable this: 

23 minutes ago, Cheeko said:

she is very upset and told me to sleep on thr couch

 I sincerely hope you didn't do so. That is crazy. 

Please, reconsider whether you can continue with someone who treats you like this. 

[Kwothe28]

I dated one like that. I could do nothing and she would still get mad. I would say something really not inflammatory and than she would give me 15 minutes of silent treatment and than she would get mad at me after I noticed something is wrong. You couldnt even notice it because I would just talk like nothing happened and she would just nod her head like she is listening. Once she got mad at me for talking to her school rival about her(she went to my classroom in high school, but she went to same class with my ex in elementary school). It was a nice conversation and she even said to say Hi to my then gf. Other time it was because I wanted to see her over the weekend and come to her. But she said she said that its maybe better that I dont because she is busy. So I said Ok. She got mad because apparently “I didn't fought about it so it means I didnt wanted to see her”. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say to you is, there is no reasoning with people like that. She got into her head that you check out other women so to her its like that. Nothing you say will change that. Even if you admit and apologize, next time she will invent different things to get mad about. Its exhausting indeed. 

Best thing is to say “I am sorry that you think I did that. I never noticed I did. Am trying and will try not to happen, please inform me if you notice it again”. Again, dont think it would help the issue but it should mitigate some heat between you right now.

[smackie9]

This has nothing to do with you, it her. She's a grown a$$ woman and she acts like a 19 year old girl. Even if you were obedient, reassured her, this behavior will never stop. Too jealous/insecure....time to leave. 

 

[catfeeder]

Once someone lays down a minefield to walk through, you risk an explosion with every step you take.

Is that how you want to live?

I can understand not wanting to be with a partner who openly gawks and ogles, but if that were the case, I'd just walk away rather than stick around to police someone with no self control. So in GF's case, I'd ask her what she's still doing here, if I'm so bad? She'll need to manage her own paranoia rather than spray it out onto me. Otherwise, I'd be the one who won't stay.

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, Cheeko said:

But she  brought up a little while ago that she catches me checking out women, which has never been brought up to me in past relationships, ever. We got into a pretty nad argument once about it, and semi resolved it and I have been working on not doing it since.

Just to understand this better, is it the case that you've always had the pattern of scoping out the area for attractive women and do a head swivel, look them up and down, or blatantly stare for several seconds? Or, is it the case that you only notice a pretty woman if she crosses your path and can't help but appreciate her beauty for several seconds, and are unable to be discreet, or feel like you are being discreet?

I'm just trying to figure out if this has been your regular behavior that you don't hide how you notice other women but past gfs haven't been bothered, or that you feel like your present gf is paranoid, that you do nothing wrong, and you are now forcing yourself to have tunnel vision and walk on eggshells, lest your eyes catch the sight of a lady walking past.

Anyway, when an argument comes up, it is best to come up with a consensus and move on. If the same issue keeps raising its ugly head without resolution, well, nobody should live with that sort of tension and it's best to part ways.

[Cheeko]

13 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Just to understand this better, is it the case that you've always had the pattern of scoping out the area for attractive women and do a head swivel, look them up and down, or blatantly stare for several seconds? Or, is it the case that you only notice a pretty woman if she crosses your path and can't help but appreciate her beauty for several seconds, and are unable to be discreet, or feel like you are being discreet?

I'm just trying to figure out if this has been your regular behavior that you don't hide how you notice other women but past gfs haven't been bothered, or that you feel like your present gf is paranoid, that you do nothing wrong, and you are now forcing yourself to have tunnel vision and walk on eggshells, lest your eyes catch the sight of a lady walking past.

Anyway, when an argument comes up, it is best to come up with a consensus and move on. If the same issue keeps raising its ugly head without resolution, well, nobody should live with that sort of tension and it's best to part ways.

I wouldn't day scoping out the area,

She had mentioned there was a couple times that I had kinda turned my head but I stopped that behavior instantly when she brought it up, as it was a bit subconscious and not fully aware but started being more mindful over myself to eliminate it.

 

I tried talking to her this morning, calmly that I'm thinking the time she is thinking of from that day is when I turned my head looking down the road to check as stated, which she instantly said that's bull***. Even when I was speaking to her in the car being all "did the cop car move how is all this traffic getting through"

Which she now will not talk again, saying I'm saying she's making stuff up ect, very edgy very quick over it. Even though I'm being honest but not believed.

[Andrina]

It sounds like you picked up a bad habit that maybe became ingrained in you from teen years. Good you now know it's a behavior you'll have to change because yeah, it's not pleasant to be around someone who makes it obvious he/she is ogling someone.

We're all human and will occasionally notice attractive people, of course, but we have to learn to make sure we're being discreet when noticing. 

The change might be too late for this lady, but it should serve you well moving ahead while dating in the future. She is overreacting and right-fighting. She'd rather prove herself right rather than having a productive conversation. In your shoes I might have one last conversation and say the truth, whatever it is, but from what I've gathered it'd be something like: I hadn't realized until you brought it up that I've developed a bad habit that started when I was a teen. It's something I now realize is toxic and I'm doing well changing the habit so I'd appreciate it if you could be patient with me through this process. I also need you to stop looking for me to screw up. I'd like to get past this hump in the relationship, because if we can't, it's not healthy for us to be regularly upset with each other.

If you do end up staying together, I highly suggest you two pick up some communication books for couples and take turns reading chapters out loud to each other, like: Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

[ShySoul]

Does she tend to be sensitive? Particularly her looks? Has she had bad experiences with other men? Ones who would look at other women or make comments about them? Perhaps men who put her down for her appearance? Doesn't even have to be men from a relationship, she could have encountered anyone who made judgements against her and thus makes her hyper attentive to this topic and is now always on the lookout for a wandering eye.

The way to handle that isn't to not look at other people or to bring up the disagreement. It's to make sure she is feeling loved and that you are focused on her as much as possible. If she knows you only have eyes for her, if she can sense that feeling of love coming from you, she can gradual become more confident in herself and less suspicious or quick to jump to conclusions. 

 

[Cheeko]

So a bit of a update if anyone's Interested.

Tried talking to her this morning about it, but she called what I said bull*** explaining the only time I can think of my head turning as stated above.

She said she wanted space so I gave it to her and had my councilor appointment, which I have been fighting a migranne and couldn't really come to a solution with my councilor how to approach. I told her I was gunna lay down as my head was hurting and I'm tired after sleeping on the couch.

I came downstairs after a few hours of resting, and grabbed a ice pack to go up and she accused me of avoiding her, which I said I told her I was laying down. But she says I'm being avoidant the situation. Which I expressed my view again of not knowing what she is talking about, and the only time I can think of my head turning was look down the road. But claims I was gawking at someone, and have done it a few other times.. which again I have been very focused on what I'm doing.

But she kept bringing up stuff from out past Two arguments, which I csnt recall but I was avoidance at first and did lie, which I heavily regret so her not believing me is my own fault in this situation. She claims I am giving her some trauma, and not sure if she wants me being apart of her being anymore.. but I'm also not trying to argue my point with her as I am being 100% honest and I know why she is struggling to believe. I just don't know how to push through it with her qhen she is very much on the side of her being right at this point.

[Cheeko]

1 minute ago, Cheeko said:

So a bit of a update if anyone's Interested.

Tried talking to her this morning about it, but she called what I said bull*** explaining the only time I can think of my head turning as stated above.

She said she wanted space so I gave it to her and had my councilor appointment, which I have been fighting a migranne and couldn't really come to a solution with my councilor how to approach. I told her I was gunna lay down as my head was hurting and I'm tired after sleeping on the couch.

I came downstairs after a few hours of resting, and grabbed a ice pack to go up and she accused me of avoiding her, which I said I told her I was laying down. But she says I'm being avoidant the situation. Which I expressed my view again of not knowing what she is talking about, and the only time I can think of my head turning was look down the road. But claims I was gawking at someone, and have done it a few other times.. which again I have been very focused on what I'm doing.

But she kept bringing up stuff from out past Two arguments, which I csnt recall but I was avoidance at first and did lie, which I heavily regret so her not believing me is my own fault in this situation. She claims I am giving her some trauma, and not sure if she wants me being apart of her being anymore.. but I'm also not trying to argue my point with her as I am being 100% honest and I know why she is struggling to believe. I just don't know how to push through it with her qhen she is very much on the side of her being right at this point.

Ph and that she isn't sure if she wants me here when she comes back from her friends.. saying I've made it all worse by being avoidance the last two days when I jus wanted to give space with her being angry.. I dony quiet get the mindset of it when she asked for space, I will always offer space to a partner if they're upset, but she never once approached me to talk. It was all on me to approach her.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Cheeko said:

Ph and that she isn't sure if she wants me here when she comes back from her friends.. saying I've made it all worse by being avoidance the last two days when I jus wanted to give space with her being angry.. I dony quiet get the mindset of it when she asked for space, I will always offer space to a partner if they're upset, but she never once approached me to talk. It was all on me to approach her.

I think she's more the cause of your headache than sleeping on the couch.  She'd rather be "right" than be close -and be "right" according to her twisted notions of "right".  I wouldn't put up with this if I were you.

[Cheeko]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Does she tend to be sensitive? Particularly her looks? Has she had bad experiences with other men? Ones who would look at other women or make comments about them? Perhaps men who put her down for her appearance? Doesn't even have to be men from a relationship, she could have encountered anyone who made judgements against her and thus makes her hyper attentive to this topic and is now always on the lookout for a wandering eye.

The way to handle that isn't to not look at other people or to bring up the disagreement. It's to make sure she is feeling loved and that you are focused on her as much as possible. If she knows you only have eyes for her, if she can sense that feeling of love coming from you, she can gradual become more confident in herself and less suspicious or quick to jump to conclusions. 

 

She has some senitivity issues with her looks I find her beautiful, and she had stated she's worried of me getting bored with her and having to keep my attention.

I compliment her multipule times a day, on her looks, how she is as a human, every day since we started seeing each other.

She says she has no insecurities or jealousy, but has told me a couple stories of exs who looked at and flirted with everyone they came across, and cheated on her too.

I cant remember if I stated but she also compared this situation to.. guys who talk to her online that are interested in her, but she's short with them or ignores them.

 

Which in my eyes is not a level grounded comparison I'm not engaging anybody.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cheeko said:

She has some senitivity issues with her looks I find her beautiful, and she had stated she's worried of me getting bored with her and having to keep my attention.

I compliment her multipule times a day, on her looks, how she is as a human, every day since we started seeing each other.

She says she has no insecurities or jealousy, but has told me a couple stories of exs who looked at and flirted with everyone they came across, and cheated on her too.

I cant remember if I stated but she also compared this situation to.. guys who talk to her online that are interested in her, but she's short with them or ignores them.

 

Which in my eyes is not a level grounded comparison I'm not engaging anybody.

I dated men who were very insecure and it was too much of a burden for me.  And a real turn off.  You do you but it sounds -exhausting.

[Cheeko]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I dated men who were very insecure and it was too much of a burden for me.  And a real turn off.  You do you but it sounds -exhausting.

It is very much exhausting.

My councilor things it also may be self destructive behavior over it being good something has to be wrong. 

I dunno I'm at a loss for words with how she's acted today.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Cheeko said:

It is very much exhausting.

My councilor things it also may be self destructive behavior over it being good something has to be wrong. 

I dunno I'm at a loss for words with how she's acted today.

But is it that surprising? Relationships do require work but this is exhausting because she is not doing her part in a relationship with you -you are guilty till proven innocent.  My husband gave me the wrong impression today - he hopped in the shower after lunch knowing that that meant I'd be delayed in running the dishwasher for an hour bc of our hot water output.  I was upset with the thoughtlessness.  He immediately apologized and said that his colleague had phoned him last minute and asked to meet with him and it was important so he got distracted in rushing to get ready to leave. 

I immediately said I understood.  But knowing your gf, she would hang on to her notion that you are a thoughtless person who is selfish and doesn't care if you are delaying her from getting on with her day and doing the dishes.  Guilty till proven innocent. Be with someone whose default is reasonable trust, whose default is I am with a person who generally means well and is thoughtful.  What's the point otherwise?

[Cheeko]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But is it that surprising? Relationships do require work but this is exhausting because she is not doing her part in a relationship with you -you are guilty till proven innocent.  My husband gave me the wrong impression today - he hopped in the shower after lunch knowing that that meant I'd be delayed in running the dishwasher for an hour bc of our hot water output.  I was upset with the thoughtlessness.  He immediately apologized and said that his colleague had phoned him last minute and asked to meet with him and it was important so he got distracted in rushing to get ready to leave. 

I immediately said I understood.  But knowing your gf, she would hang on to her notion that you are a thoughtless person who is selfish and doesn't care if you are delaying her from getting on with her day and doing the dishes.  Guilty till proven innocent. Be with someone whose default is reasonable trust, whose default is I am with a person who generally means well and is thoughtful.  What's the point otherwise?

Yes she is messaging me from her friends place, saying she knows I'm lying, and that I'm lying against nd she's seen me tell the truth and lie..

Is a very much stalemate lol.

I've appointed and everything, asked for patience and support with shifting my behavior but

[chess103]

it may get worse. happened to me in the past. after it as brought up, I made sure to be more aware and she still accused me of checking women out. when I asked when and what instance, I got no answer. no bueno.

[Cheeko]

29 minutes ago, chess103 said:

it may get worse. happened to me in the past. after it as brought up, I made sure to be more aware and she still accused me of checking women out. when I asked when and what instance, I got no answer. no bueno.

Yep that's what's happened this time. Confusing people.

[Cheeko]

I also want to just thank everyone for the input and thoughts on it all, I never felt I was doing anything wrong. Though she states this current time was a gawk, and I am lying about it.

 

So I've hit a impass and don't think I will continue to pursue or try to fix.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond.

[MissCanuck]

I would dump her. 

She is too insecure and immature for a real relationship, and clealy has zero respect for you. 

[redswim30]

14 hours ago, Cheeko said:

So a bit of a update if anyone's Interested.

Tried talking to her this morning about it, but she called what I said bull*** explaining the only time I can think of my head turning as stated above.

She said she wanted space so I gave it to her and had my councilor appointment, which I have been fighting a migranne and couldn't really come to a solution with my councilor how to approach. I told her I was gunna lay down as my head was hurting and I'm tired after sleeping on the couch.

I came downstairs after a few hours of resting, and grabbed a ice pack to go up and she accused me of avoiding her, which I said I told her I was laying down. But she says I'm being avoidant the situation. Which I expressed my view again of not knowing what she is talking about, and the only time I can think of my head turning was look down the road. But claims I was gawking at someone, and have done it a few other times.. which again I have been very focused on what I'm doing.

But she kept bringing up stuff from out past Two arguments, which I csnt recall but I was avoidance at first and did lie, which I heavily regret so her not believing me is my own fault in this situation. She claims I am giving her some trauma, and not sure if she wants me being apart of her being anymore.. but I'm also not trying to argue my point with her as I am being 100% honest and I know why she is struggling to believe. I just don't know how to push through it with her qhen she is very much on the side of her being right at this point.

Yikes.  And may I add- Yikes, Yikes.   Your GF sounds like she has a LOT of problems and I mean a lot.  

She can SAY she doesn't have insecurity issues, but she quite obviously does.   She sounds like someone who being "right" is incredibly important to, which I hope you know is a massive red flag.  One of the biggest issues is that in her effort to make herself "right" she is refusing to believe you.  As though she is going to keep bringing this up until you seemingly agree with her that you were "gawking", which is all kinds of unreasonable and controlling.  If she is going to invalidate your feelings every time you disagree, that's actually abusive on her part.  It's gaslighting. 

Making you sleep on the sofa?  I think you understand what an extreme overreaction that is on her part.  She's treated you like she walked in on you having intercourse with someone. 

I am literally laughing at the "giving her trauma" line.   She needs to look up the definition of trauma.  So many people sling that word around these days when they are upset, insecure or unhappy.  That's not how trauma works.  Trauma is when something bad happens to you (Typically things like rape, a car accident, abuse- typically something shocking or dangerous) and then subsequent things that remind one of that trauma can trigger it.   Nobody "gives someone" trauma because they are disagreeing.  The only even somewhat fair thing for her to say is that you looking at other girls triggers her insecurity because of past boyfriends.  Even then, that's not really textbook "trauma" -which typically entails physical danger- it's more disappointment, being upset, and feeling insecure.  But don't buy that load.  You glancing at another woman is NOT "giving her trauma".   It's possibly triggering her insecurity, but that's on HER and something she needs to work on.  You are going to physically see other women in the world.  If she's going to react this extremely every time one crosses your path, wow. 

There's just so many red flags here with her, I can't even count them all.   But possibly the worst is that she is rehashing out past arguments as a manipulation to make you feel inferior to her.  Arguments like this are designed for you to lose, because you can't change the past.  Listen, You making a mistake in the PAST does NOT justify her refusing to believe you or overreacting in the present.  STOP BLAMING YOURSELF for your GF's obvious issues. 

Your GF sounds like the type who cannot admit or accept that she is flawed person.  Being in a relationship with someone like that is exhausting, because they always seek to blame anyone or anything BUT themselves.  This is all really HER issues and nothing that you did.  

IMVHO, you should break up her.  She's immature.  Insecure.  A bully.   A gas-lighter.  An extremist.  Someone who cares more about being right that being a good partner.  Someone who cares more about validating her own insecurity than trusting you.  Someone who would rather bully you than try to understand you. Someone who would rather punish YOU for HER insecurity than admit she may be wrong. And someone who would rather control you than love you.   

You deserve better than this.  Your GF needs counseling.  She's either in massive denial about who she really is or just doesn't want to face the fact that she is imperfect and has a mountain of issues within herself that she needs to work through.  Please break up her her.  If you don't, you're in for more misery.  You can't change someone who can't even admit THEY might be occasionally in the wrong.  So unless you want to take the blame for any and every imperfect moment she ever experiences or perceives and then be punished for it, walk away now. 

 

[Andrina]

You say you've only been with her 7 months and yet it sounds like you live with her. A lot harder to break up when you're cohabiting , and so it's good to date at minimum a year to learn as much about a person as you can, well past the honeymoon stage, before going to that next level.

She's beating a dead horse, and also doesn't have the good sense not to argue over text. Time to pack up and live in peace.

[redswim30]

14 hours ago, Cheeko said:

She has some senitivity issues with her looks I find her beautiful, and she had stated she's worried of me getting bored with her and having to keep my attention.

 

She says she has no insecurities or jealousy, but has told me a couple stories of exs who looked at and flirted with everyone they came across, and cheated on her too.

 

In other words- TEXTBOOK INSECURITY!  She's incredibly insecure and she is acting jealous of you even potentially glancing at another woman, even though in this instance, you didn't. 

Also, I hate when women adopt this attitude.  I can understand not wanting your partner to GAWK.  But unless you're DEAD, everyone (male and female) notices and finds other people of the opposite sex attractive.  I'm not saying they DO anything about it.  But being in a relationship doesn't mean you are dead or won't have natural responses to seeing someone attractive.  I hate when women (I say as a woman) get so down on men, when we women 100% notice other attractive men we pass by through life.  Again, doesn't mean we DO anything. 

My husband and I have very healthy attitudes about this.  I know he sees women he finds attractive.  He knows I see men I find attractive.  And because we both KNOW we are in love and fully committed to each other, it doesn't matter at all. We even talk about it- " A really cute guy came into the office. A really pretty woman passed by me in the store"  Why?  Because we are mature and secure people who know that admitting other attractive people exist doesn't mean we're going to cheat on or leave each other.  Just means we are HONEST. 

IMVHO, there's two kinds of people-  1. People who admit their partner isn't the only attractive person alive.  2. Liars. 

[smackie9]

I dated an insecure person....it turned into abuse...and that's the path you are heading down. The accusations that make you confused, feel guilt, you apologize or lie to get out of that situation they keep putting you into. To be blamed for everything, yelled at, pushed around, put down etc. That's abuse....she is being abusive to you...shutting you down, not listening to you, not believing you. The trust and calm is out the window....she feeds on this turmoil to feel in control. That's abuse. It's like she's standing over you all the time. You need to get out of this relationship.