I saw my girlfriend dance with another man at a wedding and I can't get past it

[NationNat102]

This is a long story, but here goes:

I (M26) have been with my girlfriend (F26) for 1 year and 4 months. We live in Poland and moved into an apartment together at the end of this past June. We attended a wedding on July 20th, as it was one of her cousins getting married and she was invited and I was the plus one.

 

This story starts when we arrived to the wedding party. Some time after we took our seats, the DJ played the first song to dance to. We got up and danced together for a bit and then she told me that I had a small stain on my shirt and asked if I wanted to go quickly wash it off, so I agreed and went to the restroom while she went and sat down. I was in there for about a minute maybe, probably not even that, so then as I walked out from there, I saw her dancing with some other guy that I didn’t know, she didn’t know, and her family didn’t know. I was shocked, confused, and didn’t know what to do. Part of me was thinking of walking over and breaking the 2 of them up and to this day, there’s a bit of me that regrets that I didn’t in that moment. 

I see her holding one of his hands and her other hand on his shoulder while he has his other hand on her hip. I just slowly walk past, sit down, and watch it all happen. Her parents were also there watching as well as her sister’s boyfriend. From what I was told at a later point, this guy came up to her, didn’t say anything, just put his hand out and she says that she was “caught off guard” and thought that I would be okay with her dancing with someone else. Maybe she has a point there, as we never discussed this with each other before, but unfortunately that lack of communication between us led to this: her assuming I would be fine with it and me assuming she wouldn’t do it. Turns out we were both wrong. 

So I just sit there and watch them dance with each other. The only good thing that I noticed from this was that they weren’t even looking at each other and they didn’t have a smile on their faces. She finally sees me sitting down and sees that I’m disgusted by this and she does is just has this little smirk on her face. She tells me she did this out of awkwardness, but to me it boils my blood because it makes me think this whole thing is a joke to her. Finally the song ends, though this whole thing probably lasted also about a minute, but just felt like so much longer. She tried joking about this too later, saying that it must have felt like the longest song in my life (disrespectful). As soon as it ends, I get up and start speed walking over to them and then they look at each other and give each other a head nod, as if to say thank you for the dance. I can’t believe she would do that in front of me. 

As I get over to them, he starts walking away and I yell out “what do you think you’re doing?!” in Polish (I don't speak it, I just know that) but he doesn’t hear me. I then turn my attention to her and ask her the same thing. She tells me to come outside with her. When we get outside, she tells me that it’s completely normal at Polish weddings to dance with other people, even if they are strangers and even if you’re in a relationship with someone. If anyone here is Polish, please let me know down below if that’s true or not. We continue to talk about it for a bit, but it’s mostly just her trying to convince me that it’s normal and me telling her you should have said no. After some silence between us and sitting in our own thoughts, I decided to not think about it for the rest of night. With alcohol to help numb it out, it tuned out to be a fun night. 

Unfortunately since then, I haven’t been able to get past it at all, seeing her dance with another man. For about two weeks I kept sweeping it under the rug, not bringing it up to her, which was not healthy for me at all, but then one night I just let it out and told her how I couldn’t get past it and explained everything that was bothering me from it, such as the physical contact, the smirk on her face, why didn’t she just say no, why didn’t she just walk away (she said she didn’t enjoy and it was awkward, but yet continued to dance because she didn’t want to be rude to him), and the head nod at the end. She tells me that there was nothing sexual or romantic about this dance and he didn’t try flirting or anything. This still doesn’t convince me though because they were literally holding hands and she had her hand on his shoulder and his hand on her hip, how exactly does that not indicate romance?

Nevertheless, this for a short time made me feel a bit better, but eventually the same thoughts returned. We talked about it again a few days later, and she told me she didn’t even find the guy attractive and that if she knew I wouldn’t be okay with it, she would have told him no and that she doesn’t even like dancing with strangers anyway. Of course that begs the question, why did you do it in the first place then? 

For a short time after this 2nd chat, I felt a bit better about it all, but again it was short and the same hurt thoughts and feelings returned. When I tried to discuss it with her for a 3rd time, she started to get annoyed (understandably) and a bit defensive, saying things like “I didn’t do anything wrong” and “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it”. She even got mad at me for saying that I still don’t agree with what she did. Why do I have to agree with what she did?

We haven’t spoken about it in detail since this 3rd time, but just yesterday, I told her that still had these thoughts of the whole situation. She seemed more sympathetic this time around and even said “so it is because of me” as the reason why I’m having these thoughts. I’m not 100% sure what she meant by that, but maybe she does feel guilty for the whole thing and is starting to regret it? I don’t know, but I told her that I’m not blaming her because the past is the past and we can’t change it now. 

So this is where we are at and I don’t know what to do. It feels like a rollercoaster ride of emotions and intrusive thoughts. Some days are better, some days are worse, but I still think about it everyday and it’s been almost 5 weeks since the wedding. It’s the last thing I’m thinking of when I go to sleep and it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up. I regret so much not breaking up the 2 of them when I had the chance and if that song had continued for 3 more seconds, I would have gotten up from my chair and walked over and done it, regardless of what the consequences of it would have been. Yes other people would have seen it, her parents probably would have seen it, and she would probably would’ve been mad at me for it, but for some reason right now it feels all worth it rather than sitting down, watching it, and then it living in my head rent-free for 5 weeks straight and probably more.

So Reddit community, help me out here, what should I do? How long do I have to keep living with this? Why is it bothering me so much if the dance really was harmless? Is this relationship worth saving if I can’t get past this? Should I break up with her? Maybe I’m the one in the wrong here for all I know. Maybe I’m acting insecure and jealous. I’m going to speak to a therapist to see if they can help. 

To sum up, the thoughts that still bother me the most (in the following order) is when she had this smirk on her face, the head nod at the end, the physical contact, and I keep trying to picture how he approached her and how she got up to dance as she never did ( and probably won’t) tell me exactly how it all happened. 

 

TL;DR - Went to a wedding with my gf, she danced with another man, I saw it, did nothing, and now I can't get past seeing it and it's killing me everyday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TeeDee]

Your jealousy is over the top & unattractive.   She danced with somebody in public, at a family wedding with her parents in attendance.  She wasn't grinding on him.  They weren't making out. 

You need to untwist your shorts.  

[DarkCh0c0]

24 minutes ago, NationNat102 said:

The only good thing that I noticed from this was that they weren’t even looking at each other and they didn’t have a smile on their faces.

That tells you all you need to know.

It was just a dance. Someone asked, she was like "ok", and it ended quickly. Call it her being in a good mood and not trying to be rude, or doing it to avoid social pressure/awkwardness. It is obvious it meant nothing. It was a wedding fgs.

Why not say "this is my boundary regarding dancing with strangers in the future. I'd like for us to stick to that. Can you do it?" And then let the history be history?

Otherwise, you're coming off as very controlling and bitter. 

28 minutes ago, NationNat102 said:

How long do I have to keep living with this?

Honestly, if this is how you see this, better break up and be left alone. You can't get past it, so there's no use in extending this.

[ShySoul]

One year and four months together, day in and day out, spennding good times together and making happy memories. Working together to get through whatever comes up, helping each other out. Feeling love and making each other happy.

A one minute dance that meant nothing and lead nowhere between two people who didn't look at each other and didn't even make them smile.

Which do you think meant more to her? 

You are the one who escalated things by yelling at the guy. You are the one replaying a silly incident in your mind over and over letting it bother you. You are the one who needs to learn to trust her.

Look at your relationship as a whole. Remember what it is you love about her. Notice all the ways she shows her love for you. If you focus on all that is good, you should see that this one incident is meaningless in the scheme of things. There are so many better things to focus that will actually help you feel better and can make this a healthier relationship for both of you.

[ShySoul]

A quick search and she seems to be correct. Dancing is a major part of Polish weddings. Along with a copious amount of food and alcohol.

https://bigdaythewediquetteway.blogspot.com/2014/03/weddings-across-boardpolish-wedding.html

https://www.reddit.com/r/poland/comments/18pqy34/im_from_poland_we_dance/

https://www.reddit.com/r/poland/comments/1ec4rm0/is_it_normal_at_weddings_in_poland_for_couples_to/

"Then the dancing begins. In Poland, dancing is required at weddings, and not just wiggle-sway-jump around-fist pump dancing. Traditionally, a wedding has called for proper dancing, in pairs. Dancing schools stay busy for this reason. Today, we may see slightly less formal dancing taking place, and I even came across a few videos on YouTube of Polish brides & grooms with fun surprise first dances like we might see here"

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, NationNat102 said:

Of course that begs the question, why did you do it in the first place then? 

Because its a tradition. You could have danced with the bride in the same way if you wanted. 

I am still not a fan of her "gaslighting" you. Yes, you are overreacting. But she also should be more understanding on cultural differences. Not everybody would be OK with traditions like that. She did nothing wrong in her mind. But you clearly got upset over it. Kind of double edge sword where you both should have more understanding for one another before it cuts your relationship in half.

1 hour ago, NationNat102 said:

Why do I have to agree with what she did?

I mean you dont. But if you want this relationship to move forward one should make some concessions. In this case, maybe it should be you. As you didnt know for that tradition. She now knows that you are not OK with it so next time she probably wont do it. If it repeats, then you can react. But by then, maybe rethink all of this and if its worth to have your relationship break for it.

[yogacat]

Way too many intrusive thoughts.

Upset every day. over a dance? REALLY?  You're better than that, friend. 

Do you want to cement your feelings into a solid resentment that will cover the whole of your relationship?

How come such a visceral reaction to this? 

Here's something that might help you out: when she danced with this guy at the wedding, how did she express her interest in your relationship to you? Was she holding your hand? What did she tell you afterward? Did she talk about love or affection with the man on the dance floor?

Do you really want to wrack your mind over a dance? Really? Because it feels like she chose him over you?

This is about your continuing to need control. You need to decide for yourself if you need to do that in your life.

After your accusations the whole, “I didn’t do anything wrong” and “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it” I'm not surprised that she's feeling defensive. Has it occurred to you that your ongoing accusations are upsetting? We can only appease insecurities for so long.

Now if she was secretly dancing off with him behind your back, or talking to this guy in a complicitous way, she'd be in the wrong, but we don't have any evidence that confirms this. It's also absolutely normal for people to dance at weddings without being physically interested in their dance partner.

So we can state that this event — that went on for a short time in your relationship should mean nothing because it means nothing: nothing romantic, nothing sexual, nothing at all. Women are not possessions.

You're allowed to get upset by it — but so is she.

[catfeeder]

Quote

I saw my girlfriend dance with another man at a wedding and I can't get past it

Sounds as though your GF won't be able to get past this either.

If you want to keep ruining your relationship, you can do that, it's not against the law. But it doesn't buy you anything beyond a lack of resilience for living as an adult in the real world.

Good luck with that.

[shouldhavelearned]

It was a simple dance 

Many family and friends watching

 

She didn't sneak off with the guy or rub his crotch while dancing 

[MissCanuck]

Good grief, man. 

You are not ready for life if something like a simple dance at a wedding is enough to make your "blood boil" and send you into this over-the-top spiral of anxiety and anger and intrusive thoughts. You have some inner underlying problems to address here, because your reaction is completely disproportionate to the perceived wrongdoing. 

And this right here would have me rethinking the relationship with you:

9 hours ago, NationNat102 said:

I yell out “what do you think you’re doing?!” in Polish

Reallly, dude? Calm down. How disrespectful to your girlfriend to try to make a scene at a family wedding. 

My thoughts are that you should probably end your relationship. Not because your girlfriend did anything wrong, but because you can't handle your emotions and are going to ruin your bond by continuting to dwell on this and bring it up. You aren't ready for a real commitment until you resolve your own deep insecurity and inability to manage your feelings appropriately and like an adult. 
 

[Batya33]

I was in a similar situation. We were at a wedding where my friend the bride had met her husband in salsa dancing class. He was the instructor. Many of the guests were dancers including swing where switching partners during events is customary. Although to me not at a wedding. Anyway I was newly pregnant very tired and needed the restroom frequently. Sorry if TMI. While I was in the restroom for a long time as my then boyfriend said this woman asked him to dance. He at first declined explaining his girlfriend was coming back soon. She was pushy so he didn’t want to offend and agreed. He does know swing. So when I came out he was dancing with this woman. He stopped when I saw them. I believed him right away.

I had fun making her feel awkward as much as possible after. Staring, etc. she was far too pushy. IMO. My point is if you trust your partner and it’s a cultural thing sure you might be annoyed but I think more is going on internally with you. Unless she’s acted inappropriately in the past. Her dance was not. Do you not trust her ?

[rainbowsandroses]

19 hours ago, NationNat102 said:

So Reddit community, help me out here, what should I do?

^^Firstly this forum is enotalone.com 😉 however I am kinda curious now what the folks over at Reddit think?.

As for me, I agree with others.  You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I do hope you feel better though, but yeah chill. For your sake, your girlfriend's sake and your relationship's sake.

This type of possessiveness can kill love and destroy relationships.

[lostandhurt]

21 hours ago, NationNat102 said:

So Reddit community, help me out here, what should I do? How long do I have to keep living with this? Why is it bothering me so much if the dance really was harmless?

So you didn't get the responses you wanted or perhaps the number of responses from Reddit?

Your third question is the only one you need to focus on. Why is it bothering so much?

Is it your ego that is hurt?  Your pride?  Does she flirt with other guys?  Does she have a bunch of guy friends? Do you feel like she is out of your league and just waiting for her to replace you?

  I would say this is mostly on you.

I am always dubious of these threads that were copied and pasted from Reddit...

Lost

[redswim30]

IMVHO, you are overreacting in a pretty extreme way.   Your girlfriend is not your property.  She has the right to dance with whomever she wishes- stranger or otherwise.  She claims she didn't know it would bother you, if so, then you are mad at her for breaking an expectation that you never set. 

We live in co-ed world.  You are never going to be able to monitor every interaction she has with every single male she runs into.   You yourself say it didn't look even slightly romantic, so why are you still angry?

Either you trust her or you don't and if you don't- then break up with her.   If you keep behaving this way, she will break up with you.  No woman wants to feel like she can't have basic interactions with the opposite sex without her BF  having extreme reactions.  Again, she is not your property.  Women generally don't like being treated as such, FYI- even if you break up with this woman, this is not a habit you should hold onto. 

I believe this says a lot more about you and what you have going on internally than it does her. 

PS- I am Polish- second gen American- and dancing at weddings is a VERY Polish cultural thing.  Dancing in general is a big Polish pastime. 

[ShySoul]

Was this copied and posted from here?

Post since removed, but answers seem to be the same as on this site.