rainbowsandroses Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 30 minutes ago, ShySoul said: It's moderation. I've strived to be the realistic optimist. Plan for the worse, but hope for the best. Reality has shown a lot of the bad, but I'll still always see the possibility of good in everyone and everything. And I'll hold that hope even when others can't. Totally agree^^ and I consider myself to be a "realistic optimist" too! I've never heard that term but I like it! Which means when being presented with information that may be hurtful and harmful to someone, being honest and real with them and not sugar coating it (realistic) while at the same time not discouraging hope (optimistic). This thread is a great example of that. This is quite different from "so many people focusing on the bad" which is what you originally wrote and I was responding to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 45 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Totally agree^^ and I consider myself to be a "realistic optimist" too! I've never heard that term but I like it! This is quite different from "so many people focusing on the bad" which is what you originally wrote and I was responding to. I came up with the term decades ago for myself. Feel free to use it. Maybe we can start a trend.😁 The "people focusing on the bad" wasn't referring to anyone in particular. I have however, experienced those that do that. And it at least feels like a disproportionate number to what it should be. Maybe I've just had bad luck in that regards. As I've said, if it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. @BlueEyes2013 Hang in there. You'll get through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 23 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said: I just don't know how to get over it I get to attached and he treated me better then the couple exs i ever had and we weren't even a couple. He didn't treat you better though. He LIED to you for months about being married. That is not love or care or special feelings. It is deception and manipulation. I know it is hard, but please try to remind yourself of this reality. It's kind of similar to a person pretending to be a doctor or therapist and then you find out they were never actually qualified - you'd feel deceived and violated, understandably. And I get that no man is perfect but just the basic important truths like marriage status is at the very least common courtesy to tell someone. It's okay to like when people are nice to us, but it is a red flag if they are trying to make us feel special WHILE ALSO deceiving or manipulating us in harmful ways. That's the part that I hope in time you'll be able to acknowledge as not just "not great" but actually harmful. You see that as caring for you - I see that as intentional harm. But that just shows how blind this attachment cycle can make us. This is NOT to blame you, but to say it's really important to label this behaviour as what it was - deception and intentional harm - otherwise you risk repeating the pattern again with another deceptive and manipulative person if they just show some basic care and attention later on. Why don't you treat yourself to some flowers? - Sometimes I like to go and get myself flowers. It feels very uplifting and calming for me. Or, a candle - something relaxing and indulgent. Hang in there. I remember feeling like this very vividly - it will pass and get better in time if you focus on yourself and the things that are important. << Big hug >> 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Like TeeDee I got back together with my now husband when I was 39. I wanted to be married from a young age, to have children - and I too stayed with the wrong men too long. We got married and became parents at 42 and I'm now 58. I had to become the right person to find the right person. And it was part luck and timing too. Many such situations are I find -part luck and timing and for me a lot of hard work, front lines dating over decades. Stress, tears, frustration. But I never got more than temporarily jaded about men or relationships because I did my best to know my worth and to act consistently and screen out men who were not going to be thoughtful, respectful and kind. I told you how I did that in earlier posts. Just how I did things and it served me well. Especially because I have a son. How awful would it be if I had low regard for "men". He is a thoughtful, kind, compassionate and well meaning teenager. Like his dad. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 14 minutes ago, yogacat said: Why don't you treat yourself to some flowers? - Sometimes I like to go and get myself flowers. It feels very uplifting and calming for me. ^^Best advice, me too!! I do this every week! I have a beautiful vase and every week I buy fresh flowers from the local farmers market, they look so pretty and they smell soooo lovely. As soon as I walk in the door, I can see them and smell them, it's an immediate pick me up! Ahhh, the power of flowers. Try it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 30 Share Posted August 30 OP, did he ever tell you he was single? What did he actually say about his marital/relationship status? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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