I Need Advice!

[BlueEyes2013]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

OP, I am by no means an expert on relationships or human behavior, but do you have a good support system? It sounds like you have been through so much and have not received the love and care that you deserve. Is there a therapist or counselor you can talk to about all of this?

Your story really touched my heart and I am truly sorry that you are going through all of this pain.  It is not fair that you have been hurt and abused by people who were supposed to love and care for you. I hope that you can find healing and love in your life. Please know that you are not alone and that there are people who care about you.

If he was to reach out to you, what do you think you would do? Are you feeling strong enough to block him and any further communication if he does try to contact you?

I'm afraid if you don't start taking the necessary steps to start cultivating your inner strength and self love and care, you'll continue to give those who come into your life the power to hurt you. 

You need to stop saying no one understands, people do, and all you're doing is further victimizing yourself by continuously saying no one understands. It's like a negative voice in your head, and that negativity is just going to keep you stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling unloved and unwanted and then you're going to settle for the measly crumbs people will toss your way, like his breadcrumbs of sending you a text every once in a while.

I do see a therapist online . It is helping.  She has said my mom was a narcissist to me all my life and she treated me bad even though I was obedient but my brother got all the love 

I do not have a lot of good support honestly.  My Grandma passed away in 2010 the only one who hated how my family treated me 

It's hard somedays, when he call me sunshine or just reach out I felt someone truly cared. So I know some will say he never cared but I got attached,  he made me feel like I was special and made me feel good to be Alive

 

But I understand what you are saying but it's just hard

 I just don't know how to get over it I get to attached and he treated me better then the couple exs i ever had and we weren't even a couple. 

 

I'm not looking for any other men. My heart can't go through all this again 

 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I'm not looking for any other men. My heart can't go through all this again 

But  you'd be meeting a man in person who is single and available because you will confirm that as best  you can -this was communicating with an online stranger far away with no specific plan to meet. Apples and oranges. Much easier for people who are liars to lie and prey on vulnerable people.  You will be opening up to a person you get to know in person over a period of time meeting in person once or twice a week.  While you each live your lives -you'll choose not to text all day to a stranger in favor of getting to know a person in person and date in person.

Please do not keep in contact -if his wife finds out you don't know who she knows who could harm or harass you from a distance or even in person.

[BlueEyes2013]

I plan on moving to another state.  My family is not a good support system.  

I should have stayed in Texas. But I didn't. My health isn't good when it comes to having a toxic narcissist mom

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I still care for this man and his son I can't shut off my feelings but he hasn't contacted me so obviously he didn't care at all, not even as a friend and I think that hurts me worse.

How did things end after he told you he was married?  What was your response?

I'm wondering what you think he should contact you about, he may have NO idea this is affecting you as severely as it is. 

I mean, and not to invalidate your feelings but you had a two-month online interaction, you'd never met nor were you in a relationship. This wasn't a "break-up."

So the thought probably never even occurred to him to contact you to see how are you are, he most likely thinks you're fine and will carry on. 

@BlueEyes2013

The guy was/is a scammer and a POS, period end of.  I wouldn't waste my precious energy shedding one tear for this jerk!!  Although I do understand why you are but seriously he's not worth it. 

It's a big mistake to expect anything from such people let alone them (him) caring about your feelings. 

Also one thing I've learned in my years on this planet is that each and every one of us are responsible for taking good care of our own feelings and our own selves.

That's our job.

And that includes not getting invested in people we have not met in person, who reject our offers to meet, who don't reciprocate feelings, who ask for money or hint they need money and who go overboard with good morning/good night texts with hearts and kissey face emojis before even meeting or more importantly after rejecting our offer to meet and not reciprocating feelings. 

THAT right there spells SCAMMER in big bold letters. 

I know you're hurting but while you're still active on this thread and reading, just want to say while I think this "person" is a lying POS, I think it's also real important to own your role in what happened and learn from it to avoid it happening again. 

That's the positive take-away from this!

There is no reason imo to give up on love and men.  None nada zilch, you're only 39 soon to be 40.   You have at least another 30 good years ahead of you, maybe longer! 

Just learn to be smarter and make better choices and you will be just fine! 

Feel better! 💛

 

 

[BlueEyes2013]

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How did things end after he told you he was married?  What was your response?

I'm wondering what you think he should contact you about, he may have NO idea this is affecting you as severely as it is. 

I mean, and not to invalidate your feelings but you had a two-month online interaction, you'd never met nor were you in a relationship. This wasn't a "break-up."

So the thought probably never even occurred to him to contact you to see how are you are, he most likely thinks you're fine and will carry on. 

@BlueEyes2013

The guy was/is a scammer and a POS, period end of.  I wouldn't waste my precious energy shedding one tear for this jerk!!  Although I do understand why you are but seriously he's not worth it. 

It's a big mistake to expect anything from such people let alone them (him) caring about your feelings. 

Also one thing I've learned in my years on this planet is that each and every one of us are responsible for taking good care of our own feelings and our own selves.

That's our job.

And that includes not getting invested in people we have not met in person, who reject our offers to meet, who don't reciprocate feelings, who ask for money or hint they need money and who go overboard with good morning/good night texts with hearts and kissey face emojis before even meeting or more importantly rejecting our offer to meet and not reciprocating feelings. 

THAT right there spells SCAMMER in big bold letters. 

I know you're hurting but while you're still active on this thread and reading, just want to say while I think this "person" is a lying POS, I think it's also real important to own your role in what happened and learn from it to avoid it happening again. 

That's the positive take-away from this!

There is no reason imo to give up on love and men.  None nada zilch, you're only 39 soon to be 40.   You have at least another 30 good years ahead of you, maybe longer! 

Just learn to be smarter and make better choices and you will be just fine! 

Feel better! 💛

 

 

We we were talking since March not only 2 months,  but he didn't give me his number until June. But we've been talking since March. 

 

I don't know I just feel so much right now, I can't help it. I an one of those people who always wants to see good in people.  

 

It just hurts and I understand what you are saying but I wish some saw my pov 

I get attached  to people easily and I was liking him way before he gave me his number but I was to shy to say anything until he sent his number 

[Jaunty]

Do you have a job where you interact with others regularly, or friends?  I hope so.  It sounds like you're pretty isolated.   

Keep going with the therapy.   You will learn to take care of yourself and make good, healthy choices rather than potentially self destructive ones.  Please think about that.  You didn't get that in your childhood but you can now. 

Even people who seem to have it all together make heartbreaking choices in love too, but it's a good idea to get the tools that can help you with "risk management" in that department.  And beyond the whole "man" question, you just need to find joy in your life because THAT is something that you absolutely deserve! 

 

[MissCanuck]

So, did come out and admit he was married?

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I an one of those people who always wants to see good in people.  

 

Right but from a position of neediness and low self esteem which means a risk of getting physically or emotionally hurt.  How about if you want to foster that good quality volunteer to help people who want to improve their lives -for example I helped homeless women create resumes.  So they could apply to jobs and my fellow volunteers watched their children for free so they could focus on this important task.  If you have that quality that person you are helping will be able to tell you have their back.  By contrast telling yourself you put yourself at high risk of being hurt because "I want to see the good in people" makes little sense.  Would you tell a young child to say yes to a stranger who approached the child at a playground for help with a stray cat because "you should see the good in people?" Think about it.

Do not give yourself a pass for acting in high risk ways and risking harm to yourself by spinning it as "but I wanted to see the good in him"

IMO dating in a way that lessens the risk of wasting time on people who are not our match requires getting to know someone -mostly in person -over a longer period of time -months/closer to a year while leading your own fun, fulfilling life so you get attached to the person you actually are getting to know, at a reasonable pace not some fantasy insta-relationship.  If you are a person who gets attached easily and it results in this jaded/bitter outlook and tears that should tell you it's something to work on -once you have better self esteem you will be more attached to yourself -meaning giving to others from a position of reasonable confidence -attaching to others who treat you in a way that is compatible with your sense of self and knowing what you are worth. Right now you're lashing out at "men" in a jaded/bitter way but make sure you take responsibility for  your neediness that is triggering you to make choices and latch on to people who are not your match -or worse- are not people who mean well when it comes to you -or maybe anyone. 

A man who will not give you his phone number for months - is not a man interested in you as a person let alone meeting you or dating you.  He had to be interested in making sure his wife didn't find out, for one thing.  So walk away if a person won't give you their phone number very very early on. 

Walk away if they are not trying to meet you -time and place -ASAP - with cutting slack for things like illness/vacation/business travel or business deadlines but if not within two weeks with a firm plan to meet in a public place -walk away even if you "feel" attached - you can choose to react to how you feel even if you cannot control what you feel.

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry to sound harsh but if you're 39 - 40 years old, I think you need to be more mature. I understand you've been through a lot of trauma but you keep repeating that nobody understands you or sees your point of view. Even though most/all posters here have been quite supportive and understanding in my opinion. You even went so far as to say people were rude.

I'm sorry but your point of view is actually a bit hard to understand if I'll be honest. You say you got really attached to this guy but you'd never actually even seen him. You didn't video call so you actually had no idea who he really was at all. You said he was a great person but why was he great? Just because he texted you "good morning" and "good night"? Do you have nobody at all in your life that talks to you? No friends, colleagues, family? Nobody says hello to you? If that's the case that's really sad 😞

I think this guy was just your band aid. It's clear you're suffering from some kind of deep depression/mental health struggles and you really need help. I mean, you tried to commit suicide if I understand correctly? I actually don't think that just talking to a therapist online is enough. You probably need to speak to someone in person and also see a psychiatrist. You may need medication or to even be hospitalised if you're suicidal. You need professional help and not just some random guy on the internet. I think you need to look after your mental health and get better as your number one priority.

Also you keep saying he made you feel better but it's actually not fair to put that kind of burden on someone. It's not really fair to cling to that person because of your own issues and struggles. Relationships are meant to be about enjoying that particular person's company and who they really are. Not only being with that person just because they're the only one who's there and gives you any attention. I mean, that guy really could have been anyone. Anyone could be texting you "good morning". He just filled a void.

 

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

My heart can't go through all this again

It doesn't necessarily have to, if you approach dating in a more realistic and healthier way next time. Chatting for months to an online stranger whose identify you can't really verify is always going to be very risky. But you don't need to do that again. 

You over-invested in an ideal. Many of us have been there, and have had our hearts broken for it. It sucks, no doubt. But you can certainly learn from this and improve your approach in the future. 

If you want to let this destroy your love life for good, well, not much any of us can or should say to that. But that would be choice you make, not one that is made for you. You are still in control of your own life here. 

 

[TeeDee]

@BlueEyes2013

I'm so sorry for your life of struggles but I'm gonna give you a bit of tough love.  I had a toxic mom, so I do understand how it can affect you & I have been in therapy about it on & off for 30 years.  

1. I'm glad you have on line therapy but can you get in person therapy somehow?  If you had a recent overdose & are still crying over this liar & unable to shut off your feelings you may need something more intensive than on line therapy can provide.   I had some on line therapy & it never helped me as much as being forced to get up, take a shower, dress & get my butt into the therapist's office. 

 

2.  At some point it's not mom's fault any more.  Yes she sucked & did a lot of damage.  What have you done to repair what she broke & to overcome the damage she did?  I got better when I learned that mom's opinion didn't have to control my life.  When you can stop giving a flying fig about what the toxic people in your life think, it's liberating

 

3.  I understand that having somebody take an interest was comforting.  His contact made you feel good.  Unfortunately, that has been yanked away from you in a cruel was because he lied.  What can you do to replace it?  

You said you have given up on love.  That's sad but right now as this is a fresh pain, I'm not going to challenge you on it. For now, taking a break is definitely a good idea.  

Still you need something.   Part of it you have to be your own best friend but that's when your self esteem is in the tank.  Do you have any pets?  They can help ease depression & loneliness. 

It sounds counterintuitive but helping others can help you.  Is there some place you can volunteer in your community?  Doing so will give you a purpose & a sense of belonging.  It will give you something to look forward to.  It doesn't have to be physically taxing.  

 

4.  You need to work on your self-talk.  Remind yourself what a cad he is.  Make a list of all the lies if you have to.  Remind yourself he scammed you out of money & took advantage of your generosity.  I want you to wind yourself & get good & mad at him.  Anger is a more productive emotion than sorrow & regret. 

 

5.  Going forward you need to learn not to overshare.  You never learned this because you got all sorts of screwed up messages when you were a kid so you have no basis about who & how to trust.  You end up with these bad people.   Guard that sweet caring heart of yours more closely.  Make new people earn your trust.  I am not suggesting you close yourself off, but don't talk about your challenging past, your struggles or your finances early on.  Keep conversations with new people superficially for the first several months.  Disclose nothing too personal until AFTER you meet in person.  Assume everyone on line is suspicious (even me 🙃 )

 

Good luck with your upcoming move.  I hope that works out the way you want.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

At some point it's not mom's fault any more.  Yes she sucked & did a lot of damage.  What have you done to repair what she broke & to overcome the damage she did?  I got better when I learned that mom's opinion didn't have to control my life.  When you can stop giving a flying fig about what the toxic people in your life think, it's liberating

@BlueEyes2013

It's another day, I hope you're feeling better!

I wanted to chime in re the above because I too was raised by a controlling abusive mom, I've posted about it a lot on this forum. 

And even as an adult, I paid dearly for it - I developed a serious eating disorder, I suffered from anxiety, depression, I chose the "wrong" men for me time and time again (and yes although they pursued me, *I* chose them, it was MY decision and choice to date them and have relationships with them).

And I take ownership of that, I do not and never felt like a "victim." 

The way I see this is you have two choices.  You can view yourself as a victim and blame everyone else - your mom, past boyfriends, whomever OR you can pick yourself up, self-reflect and decide you're sick and tired of feeling like utter crap and make some internal changes. 

And begin taking ownership of your choices and your life including how YOU choose to respond to what happens in your life due to the choices YOU make as an adult. 

For me, I'm not a religious person per se however I found a great non-denominational church and a great pastor who I reached out to.

He has taught me the power of forgiveness, not so much for the person who wronged or hurt us but rather for ourselves.

This has been life changing for me! I have forgiven my mom and even discovered a love for her I never thought I had!  

I realized she did the best SHE could with the tools she had been provided, and my entire mindset changed from blaming her to forgiving her and loving her!

She is gone now (may she RIP) but I wish so much I had discovered this while she was alive. 

But I still talk to her and hope she hears me.  I think she can! 

Anyway, my point is, you have more power than you think, and the ability to control what happens in your life through the choices you make including who YOU choose to interact with, date and have relationships with and be part of your life.

You're on this forum so I assume you have a computer?

My suggestion is to start by educating yourself on interpersonal relationships, abusive people and how to avoid, how to spot internet scammers, liars, cheaters etc etc.

Knowledge is power and the more knowledge you have about such things, the better choices you will make. 

Volunteering and helping others is also a fabulous way of raising self-esteem, there have been studies done on this, again educate yourself.

It's empowering and self-validating!

I apologize if this sounded too preachy and understand if you don't wish to consider it now.

But perhaps later after you're feeling better, you can consider this and all the other great advice given.

Choose to be happy!   And yes that IS your choice as well. 

Take care @BlueEyes2013  xo

 

 

 

 

 

[BlueEyes2013]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

@BlueEyes2013

I'm so sorry for your life of struggles but I'm gonna give you a bit of tough love.  I had a toxic mom, so I do understand how it can affect you & I have been in therapy about it on & off for 30 years.  

1. I'm glad you have on line therapy but can you get in person therapy somehow?  If you had a recent overdose & are still crying over this liar & unable to shut off your feelings you may need something more intensive than on line therapy can provide.   I had some on line therapy & it never helped me as much as being forced to get up, take a shower, dress & get my butt into the therapist's office. 

 

2.  At some point it's not mom's fault any more.  Yes she sucked & did a lot of damage.  What have you done to repair what she broke & to overcome the damage she did?  I got better when I learned that mom's opinion didn't have to control my life.  When you can stop giving a flying fig about what the toxic people in your life think, it's liberating

 

3.  I understand that having somebody take an interest was comforting.  His contact made you feel good.  Unfortunately, that has been yanked away from you in a cruel was because he lied.  What can you do to replace it?  

You said you have given up on love.  That's sad but right now as this is a fresh pain, I'm not going to challenge you on it. For now, taking a break is definitely a good idea.  

Still you need something.   Part of it you have to be your own best friend but that's when your self esteem is in the tank.  Do you have any pets?  They can help ease depression & loneliness. 

It sounds counterintuitive but helping others can help you.  Is there some place you can volunteer in your community?  Doing so will give you a purpose & a sense of belonging.  It will give you something to look forward to.  It doesn't have to be physically taxing.  

 

4.  You need to work on your self-talk.  Remind yourself what a cad he is.  Make a list of all the lies if you have to.  Remind yourself he scammed you out of money & took advantage of your generosity.  I want you to wind yourself & get good & mad at him.  Anger is a more productive emotion than sorrow & regret. 

 

5.  Going forward you need to learn not to overshare.  You never learned this because you got all sorts of screwed up messages when you were a kid so you have no basis about who & how to trust.  You end up with these bad people.   Guard that sweet caring heart of yours more closely.  Make new people earn your trust.  I am not suggesting you close yourself off, but don't talk about your challenging past, your struggles or your finances early on.  Keep conversations with new people superficially for the first several months.  Disclose nothing too personal until AFTER you meet in person.  Assume everyone on line is suspicious (even me 🙃 )

 

Good luck with your upcoming move.  I hope that works out the way you want.  

Thing is my mom still is saying hateful things so how do I ignore the hateful things she says to me ? 

 

I don't think some of you understand. That's why I need to get away from her. That's why I need to move.

 

My therapist told me she will never apologize and she will continue to hurt me , I need to either keep my distance or move away.  Which I am going to move away

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I need to either keep my distance or move away.  Which I am going to move away...

Not sure if you read my last post but I posted:

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Anyway, my point is, you have more power than you think, and the ability to control what happens in your life through the choices you make including who YOU choose to interact with, date and have relationships with and be part of your life.

Given your mom is still abusive, choosing to keep distance or moving away from her and choosing to not have her be part of your of life is great start imo.

 

[BlueEyes2013]

I am sorry I haven't slept in 72  hours and my eyes hurt from crying but to EVERYONE thank you for the advice..

[TeeDee]

8 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

Thing is my mom still is saying hateful things so how do I ignore the hateful things she says to me ? 

I don't think some of you understand. That's why I need to get away from her. That's why I need to move.

My therapist told me she will never apologize and she will continue to hurt me , I need to either keep my distance or move away.  Which I am going to move away

Your therapist is right; she won't apologize so you need to learn to ignore her & keep your distance.  When she speaks you find a way to only hear "wha, wha, wah" [think the teacher talking in the Peanuts cartoons]  Whatever she says, you ignore the words & don't take them to heart.  Easier said than done but when you master that, OMG you will feel sooooooo much better.  A whole weight will be lifted off you.   I got so much better once I got my 1st apartment & stopped being financially dependent on my mom.   Knowing I could get up, leave & go to my own place -- my sanctuary from her -- was so freeing.   My mom also drank which made things worse.  I implemented a rule that unless it was an emergency I never talked to her after 1-2 p.m.   Sober her was more tolerable, not good but better.  

If you need to respond to whatever mom is saying, make it non committal.  "Thanks for your opinion" or "I'll think about that" knowing full well you are not going to do what she says.  If she's directly insulting like my mother was, calling me stupid or ***ty or whatever other insult she hurled at me about my competence, in my own head I'd repeat something along the lines of "she's damaged & doesn't know what she's talking about." I would also encourage myself to not respond & not take the bait.   If you don't engage she will sputter & run out of steam.  When you argue with her, you validate her opinion & she keeps coming.  

Take this to heart:  somebody else's opinion of you is none of your business.   Even when that somebody is your own mother.  You have to learn to recognize that she' talking out her [butt] & nothing she says matters.  

Not sure what good moving will do.  Mom can presumably still call you or email you.   Obviously you can't live under the same roof, but assuming you already have your own place, don't undertake the expense & aggravation of moving solely to get away from mom.  If you do, the problems will follow you.  You can't run away.   You can run TOWARD something else so if you have other reasons to want to relocate:  climate, job opportunities, cost of living etc., then by all means chase your dream.  

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

Thing is my mom still is saying hateful things so how do I ignore the hateful things she says to me ? 

I don't think some of you understand. That's why I need to get away from her. That's why I need to move.

My best friend has a mother who would say hateful things to her and who will still do that despite her being a middle aged woman. As soon as college came, she moved to the other side of the country to get away from her. And she has stayed away as much as possible ever since. 

What her therapist said would apply for you to: I'd rather be you then her.

The mothers here are caught in their own cycle of judgement and hate, based on their own insecurities and fears. They take it out on the children because they are the easy target, being there and vulnerable. It's not your fault and not your responsibility.

You can have a better life then that. You can choose to pursue what it is you want in life, to not let all the hurt weigh you down. You can have so much more, and deserve so much more. Just love yourself and believe in yourself.

Moving away was the best thing that happened to my friend. Getting away from my family helped me. So move away and not look back. 

 

[ShySoul]

18 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I don't know I just feel so much right now, I can't help it. I an one of those people who always wants to see good in people.  

It just hurts and I understand what you are saying but I wish some saw my pov 

I try so hard to good in people I'm sure I annoy certain individuals. On rare occassions that ends up being misplaced and I end up hut. I've been as sad as you are feeling, crying for days. So I think I can see your POV.

Seeing good in people is a great thing. It's needed in a world where so many just focus on the bad. Having hope and believing in others is something we should do more often. That you can do that makes you a good person. So please, don't feel bad for doing so.

When I have been hurt, I try to not let myself get stuck in the despair or regret. Cry if you need to. Feel hurt if it's what you feel. But see that you are stronger then this person, or any of the people who have hurt you. You are still pushing forward, striving for better. Work to that better, one little bit at a time. 

I'll always believe it's the ones who hurt the most that are the most special, the most valuable, the ones capable of the most good. You can survive this. You can channel it and use it to propel you to better. And you can do great things, whatever it is you choose to do. 

Thinking of you and here for you friend.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Seeing good in people is a great thing. It's needed in a world where so many just focus on the bad.

I don't agree so many people focus on the bad and I'm sorry and sad you feel that way SS.  I don't see this is my world.

What I see are people focusing on being realistic and when, after being presented with information they perceive may be hurtful to the person sharing the information, they say so!

Both on and off the internet.  

Personally I think it's irresponsible (and can be more harmful) to do anything other than that. 

 

20 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

When I have been hurt, I try to not let myself get stuck in the despair or regret. Cry if you need to. Feel hurt if it's what you feel. But see that you are stronger then this person, or any of the people who have hurt you. You are still pushing forward, striving for better. Work to that better, one little bit at a time. 

I agree with this!!

[BlueEyes2013]

44 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

My best friend has a mother who would say hateful things to her and who will still do that despite her being a middle aged woman. As soon as college came, she moved to the other side of the country to get away from her. And she has stayed away as much as possible ever since. 

What her therapist said would apply for you to: I'd rather be you then her.

The mothers here are caught in their own cycle of judgement and hate, based on their own insecurities and fears. They take it out on the children because they are the easy target, being there and vulnerable. It's not your fault and not your responsibility.

You can have a better life then that. You can choose to pursue what it is you want in life, to not let all the hurt weigh you down. You can have so much more, and deserve so much more. Just love yourself and believe in yourself.

Moving away was the best thing that happened to my friend. Getting away from my family helped me. So move away and not look back. 

 

She has me and my brother. I was the obedient child but she hates me whereas my brother made mistakes but he can do no wrong

 I don't understand why some parents hate one child over the other?

But I should never have come back to my home state but I was told I have support and love but that was a lie. 

 

I appreciate everyone's advice.  I truly do..

[BlueEyes2013]

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Your therapist is right; she won't apologize so you need to learn to ignore her & keep your distance.  When she speaks you find a way to only hear "wha, wha, wah" [think the teacher talking in the Peanuts cartoons]  Whatever she says, you ignore the words & don't take them to heart.  Easier said than done but when you master that, OMG you will feel sooooooo much better.  A whole weight will be lifted off you.   I got so much better once I got my 1st apartment & stopped being financially dependent on my mom.   Knowing I could get up, leave & go to my own place -- my sanctuary from her -- was so freeing.   My mom also drank which made things worse.  I implemented a rule that unless it was an emergency I never talked to her after 1-2 p.m.   Sober her was more tolerable, not good but better.  

If you need to respond to whatever mom is saying, make it non committal.  "Thanks for your opinion" or "I'll think about that" knowing full well you are not going to do what she says.  If she's directly insulting like my mother was, calling me stupid or ***ty or whatever other insult she hurled at me about my competence, in my own head I'd repeat something along the lines of "she's damaged & doesn't know what she's talking about." I would also encourage myself to not respond & not take the bait.   If you don't engage she will sputter & run out of steam.  When you argue with her, you validate her opinion & she keeps coming.  

Take this to heart:  somebody else's opinion of you is none of your business.   Even when that somebody is your own mother.  You have to learn to recognize that she' talking out her [butt] & nothing she says matters.  

Not sure what good moving will do.  Mom can presumably still call you or email you.   Obviously you can't live under the same roof, but assuming you already have your own place, don't undertake the expense & aggravation of moving solely to get away from mom.  If you do, the problems will follow you.  You can't run away.   You can run TOWARD something else so if you have other reasons to want to relocate:  climate, job opportunities, cost of living etc., then by all means chase your 

I just thought I'd be married and have kids by now but I stayed with the wrong man far to long. 

But I thank you for your advice

[TeeDee]

@BlueEyes2013  -- been there, done that.  I was 39 when I met my now husband.   There's still hope. 

I just got out of a group therapy session.  We talked about emotions.  If you only react emotionally, your brain gets hijacked & you are not able to move beyond to the higher functions:  reason, logic, & critical thinking.   I do that all the time:  get stuck.   You are there now.  So allow yourself some time & space to process.  Then move forward.   

[ShySoul]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't agree so many people focus on the bad and I'm sorry and sad you feel that way SS.  I don't see this is my world.

Can I live in your world for a bit? 😉

There's a point where realism can be so harsh that it's harmful, where it can be nonstop despair. There are people who do focus on the bad, either by choice or because life has bombarded them with more then there system can handle. And there are people who, rightly or wrongly, feel the need to protect themselves so as to avoid even the smallest hint that something might go wrong. 

Like anything in life, either side can be taken to extremes. You can be too hopeful and not grounded. Or you can be too realistic and lose sight of the hope. I've unfortunately seen more of the latter.

It's moderation. I've strived to be the realistic optimist. Plan for the worse, but hope for the best. Reality has shown a lot of the bad, but I'll still always see the possibility of good in everyone and everything. And I'll hold that hope even when others can't.

 

[TeeDee]

 

@BlueEyes2013

What do you do for self care?  I belong to a book club & I have a dog.  They help me see the positives.  

Try keeping a gratitude journal.  My group therapy thing just now talked about how doing that can open up new neural pathways & actually change the brain.  It's not instant.  This is going to take MONTHS of consistent work.  Every day when you wake up write down 5 things you are grateful for.  They can be profound but they don't have to be.  In winter my down comforter makes my list a lot.  😄  You can be grateful you woke up;  saw a sunset;  had an extra roll of TP when you were about to run out; won $2 on a scratch off.   

Also write down 2-3 things you like about yourself.  This is hard for me. 

Do it again when you go to sleep.  The lists should be different if possible, at least for the day.  Read the lists over at least once per week.  In time you will start to realize there are good things in your life.  It will affect your outlook.  

I'll start your list for you: 

1.  You have enotalone for support

2.  You have your on-line therapist

3.  You are out of the hospital 

4.  Other people understand & can empathize with your plight 

5.  You learned the truth before you slept with him & got more attached. 

 

Compliments to yourself: 

1.  you write well & clearly 

2.  You are generous 

 

Now you keep going 

[ShySoul]

18 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

She has me and my brother. I was the obedient child but she hates me whereas my brother made mistakes but he can do no wrong

 I don't understand why some parents hate one child over the other?

Same situation with my friend. She would get criticized and ordered around while her younger brother got away with things and was the favored one. 

I don't think they hate the child as much as they don't know how to deal with them sometimes. It could be a different personality type that they don't know how to deal with. It could be that they are too similar, so it creates a clash as they see things in the other they don't like in themselves. It could be that the older child is treated more harshly as the parent is still learning or feels they need to set an example, whereas the younger becomes the baby that gets spoiled or that they learn from how they handled the other child. 

Really could be a lot of things. Whatever it is though, it's on her, not you. If you don't receive love and support, stay away as much as possible.

24 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I just thought I'd be married and have kids by now but I stayed with the wrong man far to long. 

My mother was with two wrong men for to long and had children with both. She was about your age when she had me, and even that eventually went south. But each time she picked herself up and pushed forward. 

Look on the bright side. You were not married or having kids with this wrong man. That would have been far worse. You are free and can live your own life, do what you want for you. And should the right man come along (not that you have to look for it), you'll value it so much more. And you'll also no what NOT to take.