I Need Advice!

[LootieTootie]

We live, we learn. I think sometimes we have to repeat the same mistake not to make the same mistake over and over again. No one is putting you down or pointing their finger and saying I told you so. Believe me, we all been there and we all made mistakes. 

Sadly there's just too many unhappy people out there who is looking for an ego boost. Look out for yourself and be kind to yourself. You deserve a partner who values you.

 

 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

So if all wants to know he confessed to me he's married.  

Right now I'm devastated and hurting and I don't need

I told you so posts those will just make me start crying again. I been crying nonstop since yesterday 

I feel so stupid

You aren't stupid. You are brave.

You took a risk, allowed yourself to feel something in your heart again. That's a good thing. So what if it didn't turn out like you hoped? At least you felt hope. You said you weren't counting on anything. You didn't do anything reckless with him. You had a crush on someone who didn't return the feelings. I imagine all of us have done that at some point. Don't get too upset over it. Cry and feel bad for a bit, but know you were fine in everything you did. None of this is your fault or a negative reflection on you.

That you felt something is a sign that you can open yourself to the possibility of more one day. When the timing is right, there will be someone who can return your affections, someone who will treat you right. Don't lose hope. 

[ShySoul]

34 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It's understandable - but it is also exactly how "users" spot potential "victims" and how they proceed with the ones they find.

Note:  I'm not saying this is the situation for the OP or this guy.  I don't think he was trying to take advantage of her any further than having a cute pen pal who was bolstering his ego though he was not going to take it any further.

Still, he caused her pain through this game.  If she had a higher bar, she would not be vulnerable to this kind of bread crumb distribution. 

I don't think he was even playing a game or boosting his ego. None of us knows what was said between them outside of a few compliments. To say it was leading her on for his benefits is making an assumption about someone none of us have ever interacted with.

I think it was an online friendship. They started chatting and enjoyed speaking with each other. She saw more in it then was there and he tried to deflect her attraction without overtly hurting her. Its unfortunate circumstances.

Yes, there are bad people out there. But there are more good people. I know I'm the oddball, but I'll always give people chances and the benefit of the doubt. And I try not to think things about anyone unless I can actually hear from them. Had people say untrue negative things about me without hearing my side. Don't want to do that to anyone else.

[LootieTootie]

3 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

To say it was leading her on for his benefits is making an assumption about someone none of us have ever interacted with.

 

You don't think a married man sending selfies to a single woman every day is leading her on?

We all like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but be smart. No happy or sane married man is going to jeopardize their marriage by sending selfies every day to a single gal unless they need some ego boost.

I know you mean well, ShySoul. But let's be real and smart.

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

No happy or sane married man is going to jeopardize their marriage by sending selfies every day to a single gal unless they need some ego boost.

Or better yet no decent human being with integrity who is married would be sending selfies and good morning/good night texts with ❤️ and kissey emojis to a single woman unless he (fill in the blank).

Nothing good. 

I'm so sorry @BlueEyes2013 😞 I hope you feel better soon.

We're here for support if you need.

((Hugs))

[Tinydance]

Sorry I'm late to this thread. I'm really sorry that he turned out to be married 😞 I just want to add a few things. People weren't being rude to you or judging you on this thread. They were trying to give you a reality check because unfortunately you weren't seeing all the possibilities with this situation. You were seeing only the positive but nothing negative. I don't say this to be rude but if you ask for advice then you need to have the ability to actually receive advice. If you can't do that calmly then don't ask, you know?

My personal opinion is that yes you can develop a relationship with someone online. I know two women who met a guy here in Australia through online gaming. One was from Mexico and one was from the US. They moved to Australia and married those guys. The one from Mexico divorced after eight years but the one from the US has been with the guy for like 20 years and they have a child together.

Having said that, in the very least you need to video call the person. If they don't want to video call even for ten minutes then very likely they are hiding something. They sent fake photos, lied or are already in a relationship, etc. As you can see this is exactly what happened in this case.

I think it's OK to like someone online but please remember, until you meet you don't actually know if this person is "good". That doesn't mean you should suspect them of being a serial killer or something but don't trust someone so wholeheartedly that you don't even actually know. There is nothing wrong with having your guard up and protecting yourself.

I really hope you find love and whatever you're looking for. All the best.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

No happy or sane married man is going to jeopardize their marriage by sending selfies every day to a single gal unless they need some ego boost.

Exactly. This wsn't innocent on his end. Come on, now. 

OP, please take care of yourself. And please don't get wrapped up in an online man again who you can't meet promptly in person. 

[Batya33]

Please don't feel stupid.  My highly educated friend and me each went on a first meet with a pathological liar we met through a dating site and she even went out with him more than once and bought him a tiffany gift.  Sigh.  We figured it out after my first meet when we compared notes. He was handsome, well spoken and educated but shared stuff about himself and his life that really didn't make sense and was not consistent at all as between my friend and me. We were in our 30s. I encountered a number of liars on dating sites -lied about age/marital status/educational status/what state they lived in.  I also met many many great people -even my husband was on a dating site for awhile! I met over 100 people in person.  I gave you advice above about how to lessen the risks of this sort of thing happening to you with a married man. I'm so glad you didn't go meet him!!

[BlueEyes2013]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I don't think he was even playing a game or boosting his ego. None of us knows what was said between them outside of a few compliments. To say it was leading her on for his benefits is making an assumption about someone none of us have ever interacted with.

I think it was an online friendship. They started chatting and enjoyed speaking with each other. She saw more in it then was there and he tried to deflect her attraction without overtly hurting her. Its unfortunate circumstances.

Yes, there are bad people out there. But there are more good people. I know I'm the oddball, but I'll always give people chances and the benefit of the doubt. And I try not to think things about anyone unless I can actually hear from them. Had people say untrue negative things about me without hearing my side. Don't want to do that to anyone else.

Actually he wanted to get with me physically so it was more then just friendship 

 He also was happy to receive the gift card I sent for his son and stuff I sent him for his birthday as well

He wasn't just saying friendly stuff I just didn't add all that . He got some photos of me and he enjoyed them

 

I feel like the biggest idiot in the world because I do not have a full time job and my money was limited and he knew this

 I am hurt. I know it's my fault for trusting another man but I'm hurting 

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I do not have a full time job and my money was limited and he knew this

He should never have accepted gifts of gift cards from you, in that case.

I am sorry you are hurt. How did you find out that he is married, out of curiosity? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

He should never have accepted gifts of gift cards from you, in that case.

I am sorry you are hurt. How did you find out that he is married, out of curiosity? 

I agree. Pls never ever send anyone money or gifts who you don’t know. I have given to established charities on behalf of online friends but that’s because I’d give to that charity anyway. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

Actually he wanted to get with me physically so it was more then just friendship 

 He also was happy to receive the gift card I sent for his son and stuff I sent him for his birthday as well

He wasn't just saying friendly stuff I just didn't add all that . He got some photos of me and he enjoyed them

 

I feel like the biggest idiot in the world because I do not have a full time job and my money was limited and he knew this

 I am hurt. I know it's my fault for trusting another man but I'm hurting 

He's a scammer.

I know you've had bad experiences with men in the past but you can't fall back on that as a reason to pursue and/or be receptive to strange men you meet online.

You owe it to yourself to become more discerning as you move forward -- especially with everything you've been through. You deserve better, but you also have to do your part in being proactive in your own emotional healing process.

Take this as a lesson learned and move on. Don't let this one mistake define you or color your perception of all men. Keep an open mind, but also keep your guard up and really get to know someone before opening yourself up and becoming emotionally invested in them. And always, always, always listen to your gut instincts. They are there to protect you.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I am hurt. I know it's my fault for trusting another man but I'm hurting 

Please don't go there.  It's not your fault for trusting another man - but taking care of YOURSELF is YOUR job, so you will be doing it well if you: 

Take your time getting invested

NEVER get invested unless you have spent time with a man in real life where he lives.  Not just on romantic getaways.  Meet his friends etc.

If it's an online thing, meet SOON.  If it goes on for a long time without meeting, something like this is very likely.  (This is why most of your responses here were warnings - not to bring you down, but simply because we've all seen this before.)

Last and NOT least:  If a guy tells you "no," then don't keep on going.  If you've let him know your interested, which is fine, and he changes his mind later, he knows where to find you.

Please try to shake this off and move forward.  I know that sounds glib but it's something that you CAN do. Don't add this to your stash of "why men suck" items.  Just leave it behind.  But keep the lessons so you don't have to go through this again to learn them.

Onward and upward!

 

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Please don't go there.  It's not your fault for trusting another man - but taking care of YOURSELF is YOUR job, so you will be doing it well if you: 

Take your time getting invested

NEVER get invested unless you have spent time with a man in real life where he lives.  Not just on romantic getaways.  Meet his friends etc.

If it's an online thing, meet SOON.  If it goes on for a long time without meeting, something like this is very likely.  (This is why most of your responses here were warnings - not to bring you down, but simply because we've all seen this before.)

Last and NOT least:  If a guy tells you "no," then don't keep on going.  If you've let him know your interested, which is fine, and he changes his mind later, he knows where to find you.

Please try to shake this off and move forward.  I know that sounds glib but it's something that you CAN do. Don't add this to your stash of "why men suck" items.  Just leave it behind.  But keep the lessons so you don't have to go through this again to learn them.

Onward and upward!

 

@BlueEyes2013 all this^^ is true and has been posted throughout this thread.

Which you weren't ready to hear and actually called some of us rude and mean for posting it!  

This is NOT an "I told you so" not at all and hope you don't take it that way.

Only that when you feel better, please re-read this thread, there is so much valuable information throughout that you could learn from and take with you as you move forward to avoid getting so hurt next time. 

I also agree with @Jaunty and @yogacat to not allow this unfortunate experience to negatively alter your perception of "all" men.

He's one man who turned out to be not who he portrayed himself to be.  

Fortunately you discovered this before you became even more emotionally entrenched, be thankful for that!

How are you feeling today?   I hope at least a little bit better than yesterday. 😀

 

[TeeDee]

17 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I feel so stupid

You are not stupid.  Based on the info you had -- what he was telling you -- this seemed like something worth hoping for.  Alas it was an internet scam.  It happens.  

When you stop crying (& you will), let's look at the positive take aways: 

*  you had a few days of feeling good & optimistic 

* those days & this interaction prove that your heart is open & you have the ability to love again 

* mercifully the truth came out before you really got invested, e.g. meeting him or worse sleeping with him

* you learned to be more cautious with on line interactions.  

I'm sorry he turned out to be a married liar.  It happens.  Don't let his faults derail your progress toward your birthday.  Remember 40 is the new 20! 

Your decision to send a gift to somebody you don't know shows you have a generous heart.  You are a good person.  Sadly bad people take advantage of that.  Going forward reserve gifts for people you have met & interacted with.  

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

 He also was happy to receive the gift card I sent for his son and stuff I sent him for his birthday as well

He wasn't just saying friendly stuff I just didn't add all that . He got some photos of me and he enjoyed them

This really grinds my gears. This guy misled you this entire time. Here you are this giving person gave gifts out of the good of your heart and then he's married? With a son!? 

Some people just really know how to manipulate situations. They play off people's heart strings hoping to get what they want or what they need and it's really disheartening. 

But hey. Now you get to grow from this. You now know what it feels like and you will acquire wisdom from the situation. 

You posted here because you KNEW this wasn't right. But in your heart of hearts, you were just hoping for someone to say something different. 

Saying you're stupid because you're a good person is a dangerous line of thought. You're not stupid, you just care about others. And that is an amazing quality to have. Don't let anyone take that away from you. You're wiser than you are letting on. 

Just be more cautious with your trust from now on. You will get through this and come out even stronger. 💪❤️

 

[BlueEyes2013]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He should never have accepted gifts of gift cards from you, in that case.

I am sorry you are hurt. How did you find out that he is married, out of curiosity? 

He just sent me a text on Monday when I sent him money to take him and his so. Out to his favorite Mexican restaurant 

But at the beginning he stated he was single for the last 3 years and just wanted to be a good Dad. 

 

He knew how my mother treated me as a child he knew of all the trauma I been through and yet he still did this

 

I actually overdosed a month or so ago and had to be hospitalized for awhile

 I been through a lot and now this

 My heart is broken,  I thought at least he was a friend and cared but he hasn't even reached out to make sure i am OK that's what hurts the most

 I just feel so horrible 

 

[BlueEyes2013]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree. Pls never ever send anyone money or gifts who you don’t know. I have given to established charities on behalf of online friends but that’s because I’d give to that charity anyway. 

Well I thought he was a good honest man.  I was so wrong. 

[BlueEyes2013]

6 hours ago, yogacat said:

He's a scammer.

I know you've had bad experiences with men in the past but you can't fall back on that as a reason to pursue and/or be receptive to strange men you meet online.

You owe it to yourself to become more discerning as you move forward -- especially with everything you've been through. You deserve better, but you also have to do your part in being proactive in your own emotional healing process.

Take this as a lesson learned and move on. Don't let this one mistake define you or color your perception of all men. Keep an open mind, but also keep your guard up and really get to know someone before opening yourself up and becoming emotionally invested in them. And always, always, always listen to your gut instincts. They are there to protect you.

What's really sad is I been abused by my mom, by my ex boyfriend, I Been through so much trauma yet he still went through with all this

 

I been crying almost non stop and if he even thought of me even as a friend you'd think.he text make sure I was ok.

 

Obviously I was nothing to him and that hurts me even worse

 

[BlueEyes2013]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

@BlueEyes2013 all this^^ is true and has been posted throughout this thread.

Which you weren't ready to hear and actually called some of us rude and mean for posting it!  

This is NOT an "I told you so" not at all and hope you don't take it that way.

Only that when you feel better, please re-read this thread, there is so much valuable information throughout that you could learn from and take with you as you move forward to avoid getting so hurt next time. 

I also agree with @Jaunty and @yogacat to not allow this unfortunate experience to negatively alter your perception of "all" men.

He's one man who turned out to be not who he portrayed himself to be.  

Fortunately you discovered this before you became even more emotionally entrenched, be thankful for that!

How are you feeling today?   I hope at least a little bit better than yesterday. 😀

 

No . He hasn't even texted to make sure  I'm ok

 That hurts worse then anything and I'm not doing well

 My anxiety is bad but thank you

[BlueEyes2013]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

You are not stupid.  Based on the info you had -- what he was telling you -- this seemed like something worth hoping for.  Alas it was an internet scam.  It happens.  

When you stop crying (& you will), let's look at the positive take aways: 

*  you had a few days of feeling good & optimistic 

* those days & this interaction prove that your heart is open & you have the ability to love again 

* mercifully the truth came out before you really got invested, e.g. meeting him or worse sleeping with him

* you learned to be more cautious with on line interactions.  

I'm sorry he turned out to be a married liar.  It happens.  Don't let his faults derail your progress toward your birthday.  Remember 40 is the new 20! 

Your decision to send a gift to somebody you don't know shows you have a generous heart.  You are a good person.  Sadly bad people take advantage of that.  Going forward reserve gifts for people you have met & interacted with.  

I'm giving up on love. I'm tired. I do not want to get my hopes up again and be hurt again.  But thank you

 I don't think I will be getting over this anytime soon because I thought at least he was my friend but obviously he never cared at all. Just lies

[BlueEyes2013]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

This really grinds my gears. This guy misled you this entire time. Here you are this giving person gave gifts out of the good of your heart and then he's married? With a son!? 

Some people just really know how to manipulate situations. They play off people's heart strings hoping to get what they want or what they need and it's really disheartening. 

But hey. Now you get to grow from this. You now know what it feels like and you will acquire wisdom from the situation. 

You posted here because you KNEW this wasn't right. But in your heart of hearts, you were just hoping for someone to say something different. 

Saying you're stupid because you're a good person is a dangerous line of thought. You're not stupid, you just care about others. And that is an amazing quality to have. Don't let anyone take that away from you. You're wiser than you are letting on. 

Just be more cautious with your trust from now on. You will get through this and come out even stronger. 💪❤️

 

I still care for this man and his son I can't shut off my feelings but he hasn't contacted me so obviously he didn't care at all, not even as a friend and I think that hurts me worse.

 

And he knew how much trauma I been through and yet... I'm just so upset but thank you 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I still care for this man and his son I can't shut off my feelings but he hasn't contacted me so obviously he didn't care at all, not even as a friend and I think that hurts me worse.

 

And he knew how much trauma I been through and yet... I'm just so upset but thank you 

But you know he's married now so why do you want him to contact you? Please you have to have some self respect. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who is married. And why do you want him to be your friend if you have feelings for him? You are really clutching at straws there. You don't need this guy in your life at all.

[BlueEyes2013]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But you know he's married now so why do you want him to contact you? Please you have to have some self respect. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who is married. And why do you want him to be your friend if you have feelings for him? You are really clutching at straws there. You don't need this guy in your life at all.

Well I don't have many people in my life and he took the time to wish me a good morning and goodnight. 

I understand he's married. But I wish you understood more

 But thank you for your advice 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I still care for this man and his son I can't shut off my feelings but he hasn't contacted me so obviously he didn't care at all, not even as a friend and I think that hurts me worse.

 

And he knew how much trauma I been through and yet... I'm just so upset but thank you 

OP, I am by no means an expert on relationships or human behavior, but do you have a good support system? It sounds like you have been through so much and have not received the love and care that you deserve. Is there a therapist or counselor you can talk to about all of this?

Your story really touched my heart and I am truly sorry that you are going through all of this pain.  It is not fair that you have been hurt and abused by people who were supposed to love and care for you. I hope that you can find healing and love in your life. Please know that you are not alone and that there are people who care about you.

If he was to reach out to you, what do you think you would do? Are you feeling strong enough to block him and any further communication if he does try to contact you?

I'm afraid if you don't start taking the necessary steps to start cultivating your inner strength and self love and care, you'll continue to give those who come into your life the power to hurt you. 

You need to stop saying no one understands, people do, and all you're doing is further victimizing yourself by continuously saying no one understands. It's like a negative voice in your head, and that negativity is just going to keep you stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling unloved and unwanted and then you're going to settle for the measly crumbs people will toss your way, like his breadcrumbs of sending you a text every once in a while.