I Need Advice!

[MissCanuck]

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

keeping your feet on the ground and remaining prudent. 

This is the important take-away, yes. This man is a stranger to her,, and she needs to exercise caution and not assume she knows who he truly is at this point. 

People can be anyone they want online. It's how they are offline that presents a fuller picture to generate an informed opinion. Is he a good person? Maybe, yes. But it's equally as possible that he's not. 

My concern is that she's convinced herself it's the former without knowing much about him at all.

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

If that is what you have experienced, you don't need any of us here to give you a reality check. You don't need to be told you are creating a fantasy or pinning all your hopes on one person. That's the opposite of what is happening. You have experienced too much reality already, seen the worst part of humanity.

I see this very differently. I see that her bar for being treated well is very low, because she's unfortunately experienced a lot of trauma. So it seems that it doesn't take much to make her think he's amazing, which is concerning. Even a total horse's behind can send good morning and good night texts. OP's bar needs to be higher than she's currently set it to avoid more emotional hardship. 

 

[ShySoul]

22 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I see this very differently. I see that her bar for being treated well is very low, because she's unfortunately experienced a lot of trauma. So it seems that it doesn't take much to make her think he's amazing, which is concerning. Even a total horse's behind can send good morning and good night texts. OP's bar needs to be higher than she's currently set it to avoid more emotional hardship. 

Or it could be that because she has been treated so poorly, she can better appreciate even the smallest of details that most take for granted. A total horses behind can say good morning or good night. And yet, the guys she was with didn't. So for her that means something. That is important.

I've known my share of people who wouldn't extend those pleasantries. I've known plenty of people who don't bother to take the time to get to you, to compliment you. So I try to value each and every act, no matter how small. Because it is the little things that really do mean something. And even something as small as "good night" or "wishing you well" can mean the world if it comes from a place of honesty and sincerity.

Her bar is her bar. Her choice is her choice. It's not our relationship or our feelings. It is hers. If she, the only one of us who has actually spoken to this guy, trusts him, then how can any of us claim to know better?

It would be one thing if she was planning a wedding, thinking up baby names, planning to move and uproot her life to be with him. But she's not. She is taking her time. SHE choose to bring up October as possibly meeting, giving them more time to get to know each other. She is slowly progressing things from ebay, to texts, to calls, to video. None of us know what has been shared on those calls and videos. None of us know if maybe he hasn't revealed personal things about himself, things that leave him just as vulnerable. We don't know what else he has said or done to demonstrate the kind of man he is to her. 

Maybe there is a lot more to their interactions then we know, but she isn't comfortable posting it. And that is her right. She has said she isn't comfortable with crowds or talking about herself. Makes sense there might be things we aren't aware of.

BlueEyes, do what you feel is best for you. There is inherent risk in everything. There is risk in continuing to talk to him or meet him. There is risk in not talking to him. There is risk in having hope and risk in giving up. Only you know which risk is right for you. So look within yourself, decide what it is you want, and don't be afraid to pursue it.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is the important take-away, yes. This man is a stranger to her,, and she needs to exercise caution and not assume she knows who he truly is at this point. 

People can be anyone they want online. It's how they are offline that presents a fuller picture to generate an informed opinion. Is he a good person? Maybe, yes. But it's equally as possible that he's not. 

My concern is that she's convinced herself it's the former without knowing much about him at all.

I see this very differently. I see that her bar for being treated well is very low, because she's unfortunately experienced a lot of trauma. So it seems that it doesn't take much to make her think he's amazing, which is concerning. Even a total horse's behind can send good morning and good night texts. OP's bar needs to be higher than she's currently set it to avoid more emotional hardship. 

 

I agree and want to add that in the situation I just posted about @BlueEyes2013, the reason why it "worked" for me at the time was because I honestly and truly never expected it to "go anywhere" and I mean that sincerely!

I know it sounds strange given I did develop feelings, but I had little to no expectations, I simply took it for what it was, nothing more, nothing less - an online interaction that was fun, easy and safe, I actually had a blast!

I was sad when it ended which I knew it would eventually and even now, like 7 years later I still have good feelings about that particular interaction. 

Feet on ground, remain realistic, lower expectations and let it take you wherever it's meant to take you. 

KNOW you will be 100% OK no matter what happens. 

[BlueEyes2013]

23 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Or it could be that because she has been treated so poorly, she can better appreciate even the smallest of details that most take for granted. A total horses behind can say good morning or good night. And yet, the guys she was with didn't. So for her that means something. That is important.

I've known my share of people who wouldn't extend those pleasantries. I've known plenty of people who don't bother to take the time to get to you, to compliment you. So I try to value each and every act, no matter how small. Because it is the little things that really do mean something. And even something as small as "good night" or "wishing you well" can mean the world if it comes from a place of honesty and sincerity.

Her bar is her bar. Her choice is her choice. It's not our relationship or our feelings. It is hers. If she, the only one of us who has actually spoken to this guy, trusts him, then how can any of us claim to know better?

It would be one thing if she was planning a wedding, thinking up baby names, planning to move and uproot her life to be with him. But she's not. She is taking her time. SHE choose to bring up October as possibly meeting, giving them more time to get to know each other. She is slowly progressing things from ebay, to texts, to calls, to video. None of us know what has been shared on those calls and videos. None of us know if maybe he hasn't revealed personal things about himself, things that leave him just as vulnerable. We don't know what else he has said or done to demonstrate the kind of man he is to her. 

Maybe there is a lot more to their interactions then we know, but she isn't comfortable posting it. And that is her right. She has said she isn't comfortable with crowds or talking about herself. Makes sense there might be things we aren't aware of.

BlueEyes, do what you feel is best for you. There is inherent risk in everything. There is risk in continuing to talk to him or meet him. There is risk in not talking to him. There is risk in having hope and risk in giving up. Only you know which risk is right for you. So look within yourself, decide what it is you want, and don't be afraid to pursue it.

 

Thank you so much. You understood me more than anyone else. 

I wonder if a lot of these people ever been through bad relationships.  I have been treated bad. I been abused in every way possible way. It started at home when I was a child though so yes this guy may not be who he says but I never been treated with respect from anyone like this guy does. 

 

But for the people who been kind , thank you. I am not completely blind , I do know there is a possible chance it won't work out but I can have hope. 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

@ShySoulI don't dispute what you're saying necessarily however to clarify @BlueEyes2013has said things like, "he's a good man" and when describing her past abusive relationships, she posted "this man is not like that."

She said it with such certainty, one would think they've been in a real live in-person relationship for several years!  

Which they haven't, they have never even met and texting for a mere 2 months. 

Blue Eyes, you can HOPE he's a good man and that he's not abusive but wait until you meet in person, spend some time together, observe his behavior with you and in social situations, then make your assessment.

This is called being smart, staying grounded in reality, while at the same time enjoying your interaction and letting it take you wherever it's meant to take you.

I'm sorry if you think this is mean or rude, I've been through it and trying to help you to limit the chance of you possibly getting hurt. 

[BlueEyes2013]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree and want to add that in the situation I just posted about @BlueEyes2013, the reason why it "worked" for me at the time was because I honestly and truly never expected it to "go anywhere" and I mean that sincerely!

I know it sounds strange given I did develop feelings, but I had little to no expectations, I simply took it for what it was, nothing more, nothing less - an online interaction that was fun, easy and safe, I actually had a blast!

I was sad when it ended which I knew it would eventually and even now, like 7 years later I still have good feelings about that particular interaction. 

Feet on ground, remain realistic, lower expectations and let it take you wherever it's meant to take you. 

KNOW you will be 100% OK no matter what happens. 

Thank you!

[ShySoul]

@rainbowsandroses Absolutely, stay grounded and be cautious. Take it as it comes. Even people you have known for years in "real" life can turn out differently. I think she knows that as well as anyone. And I get that every is trying to look out for her. 

I just think she's already got it without needing some of the things that have been said. 

And I enjoyed your story. Glad you can still have fond memories of the encounter. Nice that not every situation has to end badly.

@BlueEyes2013 Hope you find peace and happiness after all you've been through. Regardless of what happens with this guy, you deserve something good in your life. I'm wishing with all my heart you can find it.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

And I enjoyed your story. Glad you can still have fond memories of the encounter. Nice that not every situation has to end badly.

Thank you but it actually DID end badly. Long story that's not important now.

I was referring to our initial/first interaction which lasted approximately 3-4 months.

I still have fond memories and positive feelings about that particular interaction.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I wonder if a lot of these people ever been through bad relationships.  I have been treated bad. I been abused in every way possible way. It started at home when I was a child though so yes this guy may not be who he says but I never been treated with respect from anyone like this guy does. 

Coming from an abusive background can't be the catalyst for pinning all your hopes on someone you haven't even met in person. That's not really fair to either one of you.

This is putting all the bad relationships you've been in to allow yourself to hope for someone like this, however, be extra mindful not to view this man as your savior.

You mustn't put untrue attributes on him that you imagine that don't exist at all. l'm worried that you haven't brought it into your consciousness the impact abusive relationships have on your psyche. When they end you don't miss the abuser, you miss the idealized person that you painted.  

He said he doesn't reciprocate your feelings as of now, and, I can't say I blame him. Because of the fact that you've put a lot of your life energy and hopes upon him based on him being the first man that you feel is nice to you and it's been years since you've thought positively about finding someone. That's a lot of pressure to put on this guy.

Don't give too much of yourself until you get to the place where you want to protect yourself first. Forever put your emotional, mental, and bodily safety first. Also, don't justify someone's motivations. You don't know them. Just know the evidence before you and remember that hope needs to be fed into a good situation not the other way around.

I get the online connection, I've had it, nothing turned out badly.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I wonder if a lot of these people ever been through bad relationships.

I have, yes. 

I have experienced relationship trauma, and a pretty serious life trauma.  Over the years, I have learned to use those experiences to look out for myself and keep my boundaries firm. 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

11 hours ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I wonder if a lot of these people ever been through bad relationships.  I have been treated bad. I been abused in every way possible way. It started at home when I was a child though so yes this guy may not be who he says but I never been treated with respect from anyone like this guy does. 

To me, it sounds like you’ve decided that since you’ve been treated so awful your entire life, you’ll just shrug and accept mildly awful scraps because they’re better than truly awful scraps, they’re better than anything you’ve ever had and they make you happy.  Then, when people try to tell you the new scraps you found are in fact ‘mildly awful’ and there’s probably better out there, you feel hurt that they’re trying to take your little sliver of joy away 

(disclaimer: not saying this man is an awful scrap, just to be clear)

you keep saying no one understands what you’ve been through, but ironically the responses you’re getting are precisely because people understand.  A decent % of adults and children have been through at least one life trauma, people do understand what you’ve been through and that’s why they’re trying to get you to realize that if all you’ve known is abuse and trauma, your perspective/understanding of what’s actually good and healthy for you is warped. Something as simple as someone remembering your birthday, or sending good morning texts, will seem like you’ve won the life lottery. But to everyone else… that’s just basic human decency.  You’ve been robbed of that, and that’s awful, but it would be helpful for you if you reframed these behaviors as what they are: basic human decency. 

If you keep choosing to tell yourself that his decent behavior is somehow otherworldly, and the greatest thing ever, you’ll never move past your trauma. You’re creating a narrative where he’s a unicorn.  But what we are trying to tell you is the behavior is mundane.  It doesn’t mean it’s bad, or that you don’t desperately need it, but it’s not very notable in a broader sense. 
 

with that said, I think we learn to love through others loving us. Usually it’s our parents, but sometimes they’re the ones who betray us and leave us with deep voids. I think healthy connections with other adults can be incredibly healing. If he’s treating you nice, maybe you’ll learn that that’s the basis of what you’ll allow in your life moving forward, now that you’ve experienced it.  But if you believe you have romantic feelings for him simply because he’s treating you nice… that’s where the potential issue lies. But maybe that’s just where you are on your journey. You need someone to just… be nice. 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

But maybe that’s just where you are on your journey. You need someone to just… be nice. 

@NighttimeNightmareI agree with your entire post, super insightful!

With respect to quoted^^, @BlueEyes2013 be aware and mindful that anyone can be "nice" on line.  

I've had a few online interactions and trust me, in at least two instances, their true colors eventually began to show (one quite suddenly out of the blue when I least expected it) and they turned out to be quite the opposite of "nice."

One turned out to be a complete fraud! 

I'm NOT saying your guy is a fraud or is not truly nice or kind, he very well may be an awesome man!   I've known long distance online interactions to work out too, one couple I know correspondended online for an entire year before meeting in person and are now happily married!  Last I heard. 

I'm only saying to please be mindful that you have only been talking two months, that is nothing in the grand scheme.

As @NighttimeNightmaresaid, if you attach all these awesome qualities to him before truly getting to know him, and truly "seeing" him for who he IS versus what you "envision" him to be based on two months of chatting online and him saying good morning and goodnight, and telling you he values you etc, you lose sight of reality and may end up getting really hurt.

As far as bad relationships and trauma, I invite you to read some of my threads and posts!  I have deleted a few for privacy reasons but a couple may still be there. 

I have experienced some of worst trauma  known to mankind - abuse etc.  Growing up and in relationships.

And I've spent many years sorting through all that **** and can honestly say, I consider myself healed (more or less) and come to you here with what I've learned through my recovery hoping that somehow it might help you and make a difference.

All the best.

[Andrina]

I actually think it's disrespectful to visit someone when you have a different/hidden agenda than the person who you're visiting. Your agenda is that you want him to change his mind about giving dating a go when he sees you. That's not respecting how he wants to operate at this stage in his life.

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

To me, it sounds like you’ve decided that since you’ve been treated so awful your entire life, you’ll just shrug and accept mildly awful scraps because they’re better than truly awful scraps, they’re better than anything you’ve ever had and they make you happy.  Then, when people try to tell you the new scraps you found are in fact ‘mildly awful’ and there’s probably better out there, you feel hurt that they’re trying to take your little sliver of joy away 

(disclaimer: not saying this man is an awful scrap, just to be clear)

I think think the issue comes down to that last line. (And I say all of the following with respect to the concern for her I know at least some people on here are having.)

Some people have been quick to judge this person whom they have never meet. They have made out that he is a mildly awful scrap. They are saying there is better out there and that she is in a fantasy world with someone who doesn't share her feelings or is a liar out to use her. They are saying that just because she likes that a man is willing to compliment her and give her the small and sweet gestures no one previously has, that she is setting her bar to low and setting herself up to be used or disappointed. 

But all of that are assumptions and warnings that she has already stated she has thought of.

She has stated many times that she doesn't expect anything out of this. She has said she researched him on her own. She isn't rushing to meet him, she is communicating daily. If they do meet in person in October they will have been in contact for eight months. The will have spoken through emails, text, phone, and video chat. That is enough time to get to know someone and see if you trust them. That is plenty of time to learn who a person is. Why the leap that she doesn't know what she is doing and needs to be warned and protected? She is a grown women who has been hurt tremendously and is probably even more cautious now. She has said she is being careful, that she knows what she is getting into and doesn't expect fireworks. Let's take her at her word and believe she can take care of herself.

@BlueEyes2013 I'm glad you have found something in your life that gives you at least a little joy. You aren't operating with an agenda. I believe you are operating with a clear head. You are just allowing yourself to have a little bit of hope that maybe something good has finally happened in your life. 

When I had found someone that gave me hope, there were those who felt the need to warn me or discourage me. I'm glad I didn't listen.

Do what's right for you and best of luck with it.

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Some people have been quick to judge this person whom they have never meet. They have made out that he is a mildly awful scrap.

^^SS I didn't read where anyone was judging him or have made him out to be "awful scrap."  Or a liar or any other negative attribute.

Can you show me where you read that?

If that was your interpretation you have completely misinterpreted most of these posts, probably even mine. 

To the contrary in my last post, I said:

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm NOT saying your guy is a fraud or is not truly nice or kind, he very well may be an awesome man!   I've known long distance online interactions to work out too, one couple I know correspondended online for an entire year before meeting in person and are now happily married!  Last I heard. 

I'm only saying to please be mindful that you have only been talking two months, that is nothing in the grand scheme.

Which is smart!

And NN posed a hypothetical about him being "awful scraps" NOT that he is. 

His post was incredibly insightful and hope BlueEyes2013 reads and listens. 

Yes I agree @BlueEyes2013 should continue interacting with him and enjoying it!   Have fun with it! 

Just be aware and mindful and remain grounded, that's all.

I am not sure how anyone could disagree with that. 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

RAR I agree with you. This is someone she met off of Ebay! She comes from abusive relationships NOT online dating. 

She should be taking things slowly and carefully without going full steam ahead and telling everyone he's a good guy when she's never even met him. 

It's reckless. 

Absolutely, stay grounded and be cautious. Take it as it comes. Even people you have known for years in "real" life can turn out differently. Everyone is trying to look out for her. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

RAR I agree with you. This is someone she met off of Ebay! She comes from abusive relationships NOT online dating. 

She should be taking things slowly and carefully without going full steam ahead and telling everyone he's a good guy when she's never even met him. 

It's reckless. 

Absolutely, and not only that, but he has told her he doesn't reciprocate her feelings, so yes clearly she needs to proceed slowly and carefully. 

If ME, I wouldn't want to proceed at all if a man told me he didn't reciprocate my feelings, but I'm not BlueEyes2013 and she's not me! 

Anyway, enjoy the interaction for what is, nothing more nothing less.  Play it out remaining aware and grounded. 

I think that is what everyone (or most everyone) has been trying to say. 

We're trying to help you, based on our own experiences and what we've observed in the world, among friends and others around us (positive AND negative) through reading, observing, staying aware and staying grounded. 

My last post, good luck. 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

They have made out that he is a mildly awful scrap.

I haven’t read anything on here where people are calling this guy awful, mildly or otherwise. They’re all just saying that when you’ve been so abused, basic human decency feels amazing and feels like something more than it is. This could prove dangerous for someone who feels that way and makes all or nothing statements about their situation. 
 

shes also going there with romantic intentions when he’s told her he’s devoid of them. All of this because he’s “nice” and she believes no one could possibly be nice to her … but he is! So she’s gonna take a chance 

 

fine. Whatever. People are drawn to what they’re drawn to and she clearly feels a need to do this. 

[Batya33]

Just now, NighttimeNightmare said:

I haven’t read anything on here where people are calling this guy awful, mildly or otherwise. They’re all just saying that when you’ve been so abused, basic human decency feels amazing and feels like something more than it is. This could prove dangerous for someone who feels that way and makes all or nothing statements about their situation. 
 

shes also going there with romantic intentions when he’s told her he’s devoid of them. All of this because he’s “nice” and she believes no one could possibly be nice to her … but he is! So she’s gonna take a chance 

 

fine. Whatever. People are drawn to what they’re drawn to and she clearly feels a need to do this. 

Yes but her need comes from a very unhealthy and unstable place and is inconsistent with what she says she wants to find as far as a relationship. He is not available for what she is looking for.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Yes but her need comes from a very unhealthy and unstable place and is inconsistent with what she says she wants to find as far as a relationship. He is not available for what she is looking for.

I agree. But do you think you or anyone else here is going to convince her otherwise?

she’s going to do this because her need is also based on how she’s framing it. She won’t “see the light.”  She may look back on this thread one day and realize what everyone was trying to say. And maybe she needs to make the trip to see him for all of this to “click” 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I agree. But do you think you or anyone else here is going to convince her otherwise?

she’s going to do this because her need is also based on how she’s framing it. She won’t “see the light.”  She may look back on this thread one day and realize what everyone was trying to say. And maybe she needs to make the trip to see him for all of this to “click” 

Yes good point and I am actually in similar situations with other friends- meaning they're gonna do -or not do -what they're gonna do.  I hope if she goes she stays safe -mostly physically but also emotionally.

[BlueEyes2013]

So if all wants to know he confessed to me he's married.  

 

Right now I'm devastated and hurting and I don't need

I told you so posts those will just make me start crying again. I been crying nonstop since yesterday 

 

I feel so stupid

 

[yogacat]

I'm sorry he turned out to be married. That just stinks!  

I think most of us here were just wanting to look out for you. You wanted to go full steam ahead and no one was going to talk you out of moving forward with this guy. 

And I think all of us are able to see at least some of ourselves in you. We've all been excited, been optimistic, etc. And we've all had the conversation, and usually ignored them, when people in our lives warned us about certain people because we were just so convinced they were the one we'd been waiting for our whole lives. Heck, it's happened to me, and he turned out to be not who he portrayed himself to be.

And sometimes people surprise us. Sometimes they live up to all of our expectations and more. Sometimes they don't. And it's hard sometimes to step back from trying to protect someone and just let them learn and grow.

We ALL want fabulous, wonderful things for you. But I think of the majority of us, myself included, truly do want you to be smart and take your time, even if you don't get the reactions you expected or necessarily want. 

[Jaunty]

Please don't feel stupid.  This doesn't make you look stupid at all.   I'm sorry you're going through all these painful feelings.

This is not an "I told you so" I promise, but there is a very important learning piece in this unfortunate story:   Just believe what THE PERSON told you, if it's something along the lines of "no."   

Whether they turn out to be married or whatever - what you really need, DESERVE, and hold out for is a person who has the strong response of YES!  

Take care of yourself.   

[Jaunty]

On 8/23/2024 at 2:25 PM, ShySoul said:

Or it could be that because she has been treated so poorly, she can better appreciate even the smallest of details that most take for granted. A total horses behind can say good morning or good night. And yet, the guys she was with didn't. So for her that means something. That is important.

It's understandable - but it is also exactly how "users" spot potential "victims" and how they proceed with the ones they find.

Note:  I'm not saying this is the situation for the OP or this guy.  I don't think he was trying to take advantage of her any further than having a cute pen pal who was bolstering his ego though he was not going to take it any further.

Still, he caused her pain through this game.  If she had a higher bar, she would not be vulnerable to this kind of bread crumb distribution.