I Need Advice!

[BlueEyes2013]

And one other thing is , he's more of an old fashion man. So maybe going slower is how he prefers.  But I understand there are liars and scammers but he's not one. 

He says he values and respects me. He is also concerned of my anxiety attacks u have. 

Maybe it won't work out but I'm going to wait and see what happens.  I'm trying to be optimistic 

I been around t9xic and negative people all my life. 

 

If I get hurt oh well. I wasn't even looking for another relationship my ex boyfriend did a number on me. So if it happens it happens but i just wanted some advice because I thought people would be nice. 

 

Thank you 

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

Maybe it won't work out but I'm going to wait and see what happens.

^^This is what I suggested, play it out. 

It doesn't really matter what any of us think anyway, but you did ask for opinions.  So gotta take the positive with the negative and in the end do what YOU think is best. .

I hope the video call went well and that your October meet happens!  

BTW, not that it matters but my opinion comes from having experienced exactly what you are experiencing a few times.

And theÿ were all quite intoxicating as online interactions often are for many reasons.

And I did get hurt on one of those occasions. The other two more like disappointed because I had very little expectations.  

Through experience I've learned that long distance online interactions are often a crap shoot so my only advice at this point is stay grounded, be prudent and remain cautiously optimistic.

Again, good luck. 😀

[ShySoul]

56 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I did a video call this morning.  I guess no one saw that post. BTW to that other person thinking I'm in fantasy land I have moved before for a man.

I am not a teenager I am almost 40. I have researched him

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You are being cautious. That's good. You aren't diving into a fairy tale fantasy. You have feelings for someone and have hope that it could lead to more. Think we've all been there.

BlueEyes, I saw your post. I don't believe you are in fantasy land. I trust that you are doing things slowly and will be smart about things.

As I explained, I've gone through similar things with people - some went romantic, some were just a friendship. So I know how this feels. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I think a lot of people have burned, hurt, or taken advantage of. So they are quick to jump to conclusions and believe your case will be the same. They see the worse in things. But it doesn't have to be that way. 

And in some case, there is just a genuine concern for your well being. There are scammers to watch out for. Even though I'm sure you know that, some people feel the need to warn everyone. Nothing against you, they might just be wanting to protect you, even if it may not be necessary for them to say.

Anyway, I'm pulling for things to work out. Best of luck with everything.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Ya, I’m not seeing anything too concerning in this story.  The internet is full of the same people “real life” has in it- some are bad, some are good.  People meet in person and get taken for all their worth all of the time, the internet isn’t the only place where that stuff happens. 
 

If he was avoiding voice calls and facetiming, that’s concerning … but he’s not.   
 

I think the thing to watch out for with online people is that often time those who spend time forming their connections online are doing so because they’re not good at doing it in person, sometimes it’s because they don’t have the tools or desire to have an in-person relationship, but they still yearn for connection. These people will avoid meeting, or taking steps to meet 

 

so your friend has webcammed with you - that’s good. Just see where it goes 

[Batya33]

In my experience (I am 58) men who are old fashioned want to court a woman in person and take her out on dates and perhaps take it slower as far as waiting to have sex.  Video calls and typing and talking has nothing to do with whether you will be compatible in person for dating purposes.  Good luck whatever you decide.  I dated on and off for 24 years including meeting many men in person through dating sites.  People who want to date especially with potential for a serious relationship want to meet in person ASAP to see if they should date.  Dating is in person. What you have is an online penpal.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

And one other thing is , he's more of an old fashion man. So maybe going slower is how he prefers.  But I understand there are liars and scammers but he's not one. 

He says he values and respects me. He is also concerned of my anxiety attacks u have. 

Maybe it won't work out but I'm going to wait and see what happens.  I'm trying to be optimistic 

I been around t9xic and negative people all my life. 

 

If I get hurt oh well. I wasn't even looking for another relationship my ex boyfriend did a number on me. So if it happens it happens but i just wanted some advice because I thought people would be nice. 

 

Thank you 

Well see, that's what worries me. Haven't met and you've applied a ton of meaning to very small and possibly innocuous statements / gestures.

I'm NOT saying he's involved in any kind of a scam, but you do need to be careful.

If you get hurt, yes, that's always a possibility in ANY relationship. Would it make sense to just step back a little and say, okay, we can be nice buddies, talk, etc., but just pour a bit of cold water on the fantasy part of this? Meet him in October? Good. Have fun. Talk. Make ZERO assumptions and just enjoy the time. If anything else comes out of it, so much the better. 

Imagine if you two hit it off? What a story! Met on Ebay and fell in love. Okay, there's the fantasy part of my brain being wee bit tricky too. Enjoy!

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well see, that's what worries me. Haven't met and you've applied a ton of meaning to very small and possibly innocuous statements / gestures.

I'm NOT saying he's involved in any kind of a scam, but you do need to be careful.

If you get hurt, yes, that's always a possibility in ANY relationship. Would it make sense to just step back a little and say, okay, we can be nice buddies, talk, etc., but just pour a bit of cold water on the fantasy part of this? Meet him in October? Good. Have fun. Talk. Make ZERO assumptions and just enjoy the time. If anything else comes out of it, so much the better. 

Getting hurt in any friendship or dating relationship is always a possibility.  There are many ways to lessen that risk.  This is not a situation where she is doing so -the opposite IMO.  And OP I relocated for my husband -800 miles -once we were married and had our son.

[rainbowsandroses]

@BlueEyes2013 if you simply wanted some sort of online friendship I'd say go for it!  I've met some great people online from all over the world, we've become good friends, we interact solely on line to this day! 

But that is not what you want, is it? My understanding from your posts is you have developed feelings for this man and are hoping to develop a romantic relationship with him. 

That's my understanding anyway, if that's incorrect I apologize.

You live only five hours apart.  You've said you are open and willing to drive to HIM but he still refuses except with an elusive "maybe October."   But cannot commit to it. 

To me, that's not going slow, that is avoiding. 

Absolutely I don't want to see you get hurt but as I said, play it out and if you do get hurt, so be. 

You learn and take what you've learned into your next dating experience.

But then again it could possibly work out too!

It's all good. 

 

[yogacat]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Getting hurt in any friendship or dating relationship is always a possibility.  There are many ways to lessen that risk.  This is not a situation where she is doing so -the opposite IMO.  And OP I relocated for my husband -800 miles -once we were married and had our son.

I agree that there are many ways to lessen that risk which is why I specifically stated to step back a little and treat this as nice chat buddies, more or less. Especially because she admitted to having developed feelings. Which IMO, is dangerous. But she seems intent on going through with meeting him. I mentioned to her, well, reminded her twice that he said he doesn't reciprocate her feelings at this stage, which, seems about right given they haven't met, and she still seemed adamant about going through with the October meeting.

It's good OP you did a video call and talked on the phone. But I have also heard of scammers do this, the long game so to speak, so long as they can keep stringing you along. Usually until they sense you've squeezed about all you are worth out of how they can manipulate your emotions and then move in for the kill. I do think you're vulnerable on account of prior relationship experience plus other personal issues  disclosed.

I can clearly see how hard it could be for you. I suggested you enjoy his company -whether as an online pen pal or meet him in October, but to take things slowly -excruciatingly so. I feel you're choosing this type of interaction because it seems safe -I don't doubt you enjoy it and is get something out of it besides the hope of romance.

But, I would NEVER want to minimize this or "be a downer" because you might get defensive and ignore some of the warning (which is what I wanted and tried to avoid).

[BlueEyes2013]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

BlueEyes, I saw your post. I don't believe you are in fantasy land. I trust that you are doing things slowly and will be smart about things.

As I explained, I've gone through similar things with people - some went romantic, some were just a friendship. So I know how this feels. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I think a lot of people have burned, hurt, or taken advantage of. So they are quick to jump to conclusions and believe your case will be the same. They see the worse in things. But it doesn't have to be that way. 

And in some case, there is just a genuine concern for your well being. There are scammers to watch out for. Even though I'm sure you know that, some people feel the need to warn everyone. Nothing against you, they might just be wanting to protect you, even if it may not be necessary for them to say.

Anyway, I'm pulling for things to work out. Best of luck with everything.

The way my luck is it will probably go bad lol

But meeting him was unexpected.  I mean I just sold him movies. We just messaged on ebay from March until June. Then he messaged me his phone number

I just never had any of my exs text me good morning Sunshine and goodnight every single day. 

We text throughout the day but with school just starting where he lives his job is very chaotic right now.

 

But I know my odds aren't good but I can pray and i can hope. He is very good to helping his parents as well. 

 

I never dated a nice man I dated guys who used me or abused me mentally. Emotionally,  verbally and physically so how he talks and treats me is foreign to me . 

 

But I also am realistic I know there's a possibility of nothing happening but in my heart I hope it will be good

 

Thank you for being kind

Some of the responses make me feel like I am in a fantasy world . Lol

 

 

[BlueEyes2013]

31 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Ya, I’m not seeing anything too concerning in this story.  The internet is full of the same people “real life” has in it- some are bad, some are good.  People meet in person and get taken for all their worth all of the time, the internet isn’t the only place where that stuff happens. 
 

If he was avoiding voice calls and facetiming, that’s concerning … but he’s not.   
 

I think the thing to watch out for with online people is that often time those who spend time forming their connections online are doing so because they’re not good at doing it in person, sometimes it’s because they don’t have the tools or desire to have an in-person relationship, but they still yearn for connection. These people will avoid meeting, or taking steps to meet 

 

so your friend has webcammed with you - that’s good. Just see where it goes 

Thank you! We send selfies every few days as well. 

I do know that this may not turn out how I like but I will wait and see. Thank you 🙂

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It's good she did a video call and they've talked on the phone.

In this situation I think that is a negative.  And yes I understand your approach to this Yogacat to get the OP to see the downsides.

I think it's essential to have a phone call or video call prior to meeting for screening and safety purposes. In her situation with the information she provided I think it will build up her unrealistic expectations and lessens the motivation on his end even more to meet in person which he is dragging his feet on anyway.

[BlueEyes2013]

28 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well see, that's what worries me. Haven't met and you've applied a ton of meaning to very small and possibly innocuous statements / gestures.

I'm NOT saying he's involved in any kind of a scam, but you do need to be careful.

If you get hurt, yes, that's always a possibility in ANY relationship. Would it make sense to just step back a little and say, okay, we can be nice buddies, talk, etc., but just pour a bit of cold water on the fantasy part of this? Meet him in October? Good. Have fun. Talk. Make ZERO assumptions and just enjoy the time. If anything else comes out of it, so much the better. 

Imagine if you two hit it off? What a story! Met on Ebay and fell in love. Okay, there's the fantasy part of my brain being wee bit tricky too. Enjoy!

Thank you. I know the odds of this turning out to be my one great relationship that I've been looking for since I was a little girl is probably not gonna happen but who knows.  But I understand if it doesn't happen. I have the negative in my head believe me I do. I just hope got a better ending. 

[Batya33]

Just now, BlueEyes2013 said:

Thank you. I know the odds of this turning out to be my one great relationship that I've been looking for since I was a little girl is probably not gonna happen but who knows.  But I understand if it doesn't happen. I have the negative in my head believe me I do. I just hope got a better ending. 

For now tell yourself he is a complete stranger for dating purposes and if he says nice words it's not in the context of dating or being in a romantic relationship with you -he is not.  In the future you might meet and when you meet you might then decide to go on a real first date.  He has delayed this for months.  Up to you whether you wait. I am so sorry you've been in bad situations in the past.  Does he know this? If so he might be using that information for his own interests.  

[yogacat]

2 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

Thank you. I know the odds of this turning out to be my one great relationship that I've been looking for since I was a little girl is probably not gonna happen but who knows.  But I understand if it doesn't happen. I have the negative in my head believe me I do. I just hope got a better ending. 

People meet and fall in love in all kinds of ways so while the odds of this working out are slim I do believe it's possible -but that would require communication, getting to know him over time, in person over time, meeting his family and friends, video calls over a range of times in his life (so you see them in context), visits to your own and their homes, etc.. 

That said, start coming up with some ways that you're going to be smart, protect yourself and not jeopardize your welfare as you meet and get to know him. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

Some of the responses make me feel like I am in a fantasy world . Lol

^^Well, to be fair to us, you kinda are.  I mean you have never met nor spent time in person so how could it not be, at least in part, a fantasy?  

I'm not even saying it's a negative, just realize that in part, it is fantasy, and stay grounded! 

I think all relationships start out with that fantasy element, even in real life!

There's always a bit of idealization happening until we spend more time together, observing their behavior in the real world, and get to know them.

 

[Batya33]

Just now, yogacat said:

People meet and fall in love in all kinds of ways so while the odds of this working out are slim I do believe it's possible -but that would require communication, getting to know him over time, in person over time, meeting his family and friends, video calls over a range of times in his life (so you see them context), visits to your own and their homes, etc.. 

That said, start coming up with some ways that you're going to be smart, protect yourself and not jeopardize your welfare as you meet and get to know him. 

Yes anything is possible.  It depends on how she wants to invest her free time and in whom. What I personally did when I wanted to find a husband was made sure I used my time wisely and didn't spend time with people who weren't interested in or available to meet in person ASAP.  If I met the person at a party or through friends, same thing - if he wasn't interested in dating me and getting to know me through dating me and wasn't marriage minded I moved on no matter how awesome he was "otherwise" because I didn't have time to waste and I was not going to settle.

I too love stories about the unusual ways people meet and fall in love.  It happened to me.  But it didn't just happen poof falling from the sky.  I had to become the right person to find the right person andI had to be single at the time.  Had I stayed in my sort of good enough long term relationship longer I would not have been available or ready to reconnect with my future husband.  That's the thing -it can happen in all sorts of ways but the ways only matter if you're there to experience it and IMO she is wasting her time on this person who is not that into meeting her ASAP. 

And given her past if it turns out -as it is likely -that he won't actually commit to even meeting her in person let along taking her on a date it will reinforce her negative view of dating and relationships.  Because of my approach for the most part i was treated with respect and like a lady.  And in general really liked being around men both platonically and romantically.  Which is good because I have one child and he is a teenage boy now lol.  

[rainbowsandroses]

What really stands out to me @BlueEyes2013is this:

34 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You live only five hours apart.  You've said you are open and willing to drive to HIM but he still refuses except with an elusive "maybe October."   But cannot commit to it. 

To me, that's not going slow, that is avoiding. 

I'm curious what your thoughts are about this?

Me?  I am a very positive person, I do always try to see the good in people while at the same time remaining realistic.

And to me what's quoted above is a big red flag. 

And while I do think you should play it out, only because I know it's what you want to do, please be cautious and prudent, okay?  

Take care of you. 💛

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You live only five hours apart.  You've said you are open and willing to drive to HIM but he still refuses except with an elusive "maybe October."   But cannot commit to it. 

To me, that's not going slow, that is avoiding. 

Ok wait, this is a good point. A detail that I missed

 

@BlueEyes2013 can you clarify? Have you tried to meet him previously/sooner than October and he’s skirted around the issue? 
 

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Ok wait, this is a good point. A detail that I missed

 

@BlueEyes2013 can you clarify? Have you tried to meet him previously/sooner than October and he’s skirted around the issue? 
 

 

"He said he wanted to focus on being a good Dad to his son. He's been divorced for 3 years.

He said that he wasn't interested right now few weeks ago. "

 

Also she told him how she felt about him and in her words he "rejected" her.  

[NighttimeNightmare]

44 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

I just never had any of my exs text me good morning Sunshine and goodnight every single day

F*ck boys do this all of the time. Im not insinuating this guy is a f*ck boy at all, but I’m letting you know that the whole “good morning/goodnight” thing is very easy to do and I see it done often.  It isn’t evidence of someone wanting a real connection with you.  in fact, I’ve seen it used as a tactic for the opposite.  I’ve seen guys do this to women on dating apps and the woman thinks more of the connection than is really there

 

46 minutes ago, BlueEyes2013 said:

Emotionally,  verbally and physically so how he talks and treats me is foreign to me

Physically? You haven’t met lol  That aside, is it at all possible you’re putting a lot of emphasis on these things because no one has done it for you before?  Is it possible it’s so notable and impactful for you because no one has done these things for you before? As opposed to them being notable and impactful on their own. 
 

also, how did the webcam session go with him? What was that like?

[NighttimeNightmare]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"He said he wanted to focus on being a good Dad to his son. He's been divorced for 3 years.

He said that he wasn't interested right now few weeks ago. "

 

Also she told him how she felt about him and in her words he "rejected" her.  

Ok. Thanks. I did read that.  I guess I thought it was inferred another conversation happened where he changed his mind and agreed to possibly meet her 

 

still curious about getting clarity from OP

 

It’s possible he “agreed” to a ‘maybe in October’ so he didn’t lose his internet chat buddy. A lot of people who use the internet socially like to feel close without actually being close (meeting, committing, etc)

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/21/2024 at 9:59 AM, BlueEyes2013 said:

About a month ago I revealed I had feelings for him he pretty much rejected me but I'm thinking his Ex wife put him through a lot but I don't know.

On 8/21/2024 at 9:59 AM, BlueEyes2013 said:

But just the other night at his goodnight text he always sends a red heart emoji but he did a kissy face emoji as well.

Okay just gonna say it. 

Given he admits to not sharing your feelings and his reluctance to meet in person while at the same time sends you a ❤️ with kissy face emojis, I'd be running for the hills from this guy.

Hello!!!  Really???  

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

It's good she did a video call and they've talked on the phone.

In this situation I think that is a negative.  And yes I understand your approach to this Yogacat to get the OP to see the downsides.

I think it's essential to have a phone call or video call prior to meeting for screening and safety purposes. In her situation with the information she provided I think it will build up her unrealistic expectations and lessens the motivation on his end even more to meet in person which he is dragging his feet on anyway.

I would want to make sure the person I met online and I was speaking to on the phone and by video is the same person I might potentially meet in person.

I am suggesting to have a plan for proceeding, but not to be too optimistic or make too many assumptions.

That she is looking at this with rose colored glasses and tanked up expectations and that is not balanced with keeping herself secure on that basis.

What I am trying to help OP to see is that otherwise, she's assuming the gospel truth of what he is saying.

Now, I do agree that October is pretty far off, albeit, I corresponded with someone for a month before we met (we later dated for several months) because that was the first time I could manage getting together.

I think him wanting to meet in October is akin to his current interest which you OP seem fully willing to entertain indefinitely. 

The problem here is that he is somewhere in between, willing to meet you but wanting to hold it off. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

The problem here is that he is somewhere in between, willing to meet you but wanting to hold it off. 

I don't see it as in between.  Doubt and holding off means he is not enthusiastic about meeting in person ASAP and without that enthusiasm why bother.  Interest in meeting -his version of interest- means nothing -sweet words, no action other than telling her he is not ready and rejecting her when she shared her feelings as she wrote.  My personal standard was unless he asked to meet time and place or agreed enthusiastically with my suggestion I moved along as I was looking for a potential serious relationship.  Not a chat buddy, not someone I had to convince to meet me in person, not someone unsure about meeting.  I didn't meet without a phone call - for several reasons.  So if he had asked to meet without one I'd have said no.  Or "I want to meet but I'm not ready to without a phone call".  That's fine -that's reasonable.  Just explaining why I feel as I do. OP I met over 100 men in person and was in contact with many more who I did not meet.