Dad’s Financial Secrets Are Hurting My Grandma

[Cutepuppyxoxo25]

Hi everyone, I’m a 21-year-old female full-time student currently living with my grandmother (73) along with my two sisters (18 and 16) after our mom passed away in 2021. My dad (41) lives with us as well. In June, my 18-year-old sister graduated from high school and is now enrolling in college to become a nurse. My dad used to work as a kitchen manager at a chain restaurant but suddenly stopped working in November 2023.

Here’s where things get complicated. My parents were married for 18 years and lived with my grandmother (my mom mother), raising us three kids in her home. My dad has always been an introvert, but since my mom’s passing, he’s become even more distant—he barely talks unless spoken to and makes no effort to connect with us. He was always physically present but emotionally unavailable, and that hasn’t changed.

Recently, I started feeling curious about my dad’s behavior and decided to look through his email. I found some porn (which didn’t bother me much) but also discovered ads for s** workers and CashApp transactions, suggesting he’s been paying for these activities. I was shocked but tried not to let it get to me.

What really upset me was discovering how he’s been handling his finances. Since he quit his job, I’ve been wondering where his money is coming from. One day, while looking for something in his room (which used to be my parents’ room), I came across bank statements showing he received $8,000 in tax refunds and also gets beneficiary checks for my sisters—$900 each per month.

I was furious because my grandmother, who is 73 and works full-time as a recovery nurse, earns about $1,200 every two weeks and is the one paying all the bills and buying groceries. This often leaves her in the negative, and it breaks my heart. My dad knows she’s struggling but doesn’t contribute at all. Instead, he spends his money on unnecessary things like Jordans, a PS5, dr**s , Apple Watches, iPhones, jerseys, and jewelry. He doesn’t offer to help with our school expenses or even basic supplies, and my grandmother has no idea he’s receiving this money every month while she’s struggling to make ends meet.

I’m at a loss for what to do now that I know about this situation. Any advice on how I should handle this would be greatly appreciated.

[Batya33]

This is a tough one.  If you feel your dad would listen if you tell him it's occurred to you that you and siblings should be receiving $ as beneficiaries then tell him that and see what he says. Or I would consult with an attorney as far as your rights in this situation.I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[ShySoul]

Talk with him about it. It's understandable if he wants to treat himself occassionally. We all need some outlet or something that is fun and brings us joy. But it shouldn't be up to a 73 year old to support three girls and an adult male. I am the same age as him and would feel horrible spending money on myself when I can see how everyone I care for is struggling to make ends meet. It's just me and a roommate and I still feel bad spending very much on myself unless it's its for essentials.

Was there a reason for why he lost the job? Has he been looking for something else? Is he taking any sense of responsibilty? 

While his actions are in poor taste, I also wonder if something might be going on inside with him. What was his relationship with your mom like? Has he grieved her loss? It's possible he took that hard, hence why he withdrew from others. Losing a job could also cause him to be depressed. So he turns to external things to try to fill a void inside - porn and sex workers, luxury items. 

That might not be it at all and he may just be taking advantage of the situation. But you don't know if you dont confront him. He needs to see there is a problem and doing it in a way that also shows compassion for him might help him realize it or want to change his actions.

Perhaps you can also talk to your grandmother. She might have a better understanding of his situation. Plus the weight of her speaking to him might have more power. She is his senior and it is her place afterall.

 

[TeeDee]

Don't do anything.  Let your grandmother deal with her son.  Your father won't respond well to being schooled by his child (you) 

[Kwothe28]

You may not like what I have to say. But your dad is a spoiled brat. Which is kinda a direct influence by your Grandma. She didnt teach him to be responsible adult and to take his share of responsibilities. So he would rather leech of from her and get free housing and not paying bills. Then to be responsible adult and takes care of his kids. Exhibit A: He would rather sit at home and buy a PS5 to play computer games, then maybe find work, go independent and provides for his 3 kids. If I have to guess, none of those iPhone spending are going to you or your sisters. its all for his spoiled selfish as. Because he doesnt think on anyone but himself. That is why your Grandma, and probably you kids, are getting the short end of the stick. 

You can raise the issue. But I dont believe your Grandma and your dad would do much. She raised him and knows how he is. Heck, if I would have to guess, she already knows(she can see his iPhone and Jordans, maybe doesnt know the cost but she aint dumb) but lets it go. Because she didnt raise him better. Your best bet there is to go independent yourself. Finish college, find a job and move out. Live life on your own far from influence of somebody like your dad. 

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Cutepuppyxoxo25 said:

My parents were married for 18 years and lived with my grandmother (my mom mother), raising us three kids in her home.

Think there might be some confusion, the grandmother was not his mom. She was the mother's mom. She didn't raise him or contribute to his values or lack thereof. And even though the he has lived under the same roof for years, it was as a grown adult.

Just making clear the situation as it might impact what people are saying.

[Kwothe28]

Doesnt change that much. Aside that she wasnt who raised him, OP still wouldnt do anything with talking. 

[catfeeder]

Before saying anything to anyone, I would take pictures of the documents and consult with legal aid or an attorney.

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Before saying anything to anyone, I would take pictures of the documents and consult with legal aid or an attorney.

No attorney gives a whit about this.  Her dad may be a bad father but that's allowed under the law.  What she's describing makes dad a sucky parent but it's not illegal.  If the law does take some interest in this, all that will happen is the grandma get's custody.  Don't waste time with lawyers.  

[ShySoul]

Unless he's cashing checks made out to his daughter, I agree it doesn't seem like a legal matter. If it is his money, he can spend it how he likes, no matter how irresponsible or inconsiderate that might be.

Seems like it's an internal family problem. As the grandmother seems to be the most mature person in the family, probably wisest to consult her and leave it in her hands.

[catfeeder]

35 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

No attorney gives a whit about this.  Her dad may be a bad father but that's allowed under the law.  What she's describing makes dad a sucky parent but it's not illegal.  If the law does take some interest in this, all that will happen is the grandma get's custody.  Don't waste time with lawyers.  

Are you qualified to make a determination of legalities in a case about which you have only a secondhand description and have not seen a single document? If it is possible that the Dad is withholding money that belongs to his daughters, as one of those daughters, that's something I would want to know. If there are attachments or conditions for the use of that money, it's also something I would want to learn.

Offering qualified legal advice is not within the scope of this forum, and I'd certainly not discourage someone from gaining that.

[AuthenticSelf]

Seems like a tough situation. 

To be able to give you advice, we may need to know what you want to achieve at the end first. 

So, what results are you looking for? 

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest I'm sort of in two minds about this. First of all I am very sorry that your mother died and my heart goes out to you. I know you shouldn't speak ill of the dead but to be honest I think both your parents probably contributed to this situation. The way you spoke, it sounded like your parents basically lived with your grandmother your whole life and raised you and your sisters there. I'm not excusing your Dad's behaviour at all in regards to not contributing to the household. But I got the impression that this is how it's actually always been and even your mother did the same? Or did I get that wrong? Was your father contributing before but now he doesn't because he's not working? 

I understand when your parents had you, if they were only 20 years old and needed to get on their feet. But if your parents lived with your grandmother literally your whole life then to me it seems they did always leech off her and she allowed it. Again I don't actually know what the situation is exactly so if I've got it wrong please elaborate. 

So have you and your sisters gone without things throughout your life? Like, you didn't have things children need like food, clothes, toys, entertainment? Do you think your Dad spent more money on himself than you?

I think this is a tough situation because while yes your Dad is acting like a leech, but your Grandmother allows it and seems she always has. You can definitely talk to your Dad but the thing is that this is your Grandmother's house and it needs to be up to her. If she's cool with it then your Dad isn't going to change. Also this might be an unpopular opinion but at this point you're actually an adult. Different parents can treat their kids differently but your Dad doesn't actually need to buy you an iPhone, video games and so on. At the age of 21 it's common for the person to have at least a part time job and get those things for themselves. The thing is if you don't start taking care of yourself as an adult then wouldn't you actually be acting the same as your Dad acting with your Grandma?

In regards to your Dad getting escorts. Well yes it's in poor taste but he's single now so he's not cheating on anyone. If you feel put off by him doing this I understand but he can spend money on that if it's what he chooses to spend money on. To be honest you also snooped in his E-mail which is wrong. I'm not excusing your Dad at all but what you did wasn't good either.

I'm not really sure how the beneficiary thing works. Is that money actually meant to be going to you and your sisters or your mother left it to your Dad? My Dad actually passed away last year. We weren't close at all but he actually left me nothing. My Mum told me he assigned his life insurance policy, superannuation and all of that only to her. I don't know if the idea was just to leave everything to me later because I'm an only child. 

[SophiaG]

On 8/21/2024 at 2:00 PM, TeeDee said:

Don't do anything.  Let your grandmother deal with her son.  Your father won't respond well to being schooled by his child (you) 

Sounds like the grandmother is his MIL. The dad needs to be called out.

On 8/21/2024 at 5:28 PM, TeeDee said:

all that will happen is the grandma get's custody.

If that means the grandma gets beneficiary checks to cover the expenses, that sounds like a perfect solution.

[SophiaG]

On 8/21/2024 at 2:17 PM, Kwothe28 said:

You may not like what I have to say. But your dad is a spoiled brat. Which is kinda a direct influence by your Grandma. She didnt teach him to be responsible adult and to take his share of responsibilities. So he would rather leech of from her and get free housing and not paying bills. Then to be responsible adult and takes care of his kids. Exhibit A: He would rather sit at home and buy a PS5 to play computer games, then maybe find work, go independent and provides for his 3 kids. If I have to guess, none of those iPhone spending are going to you or your sisters. its all for his spoiled selfish as. Because he doesnt think on anyone but himself. That is why your Grandma, and probably you kids, are getting the short end of the stick. 

You can raise the issue. But I dont believe your Grandma and your dad would do much. She raised him and knows how he is. Heck, if I would have to guess, she already knows(she can see his iPhone and Jordans, maybe doesnt know the cost but she aint dumb) but lets it go. Because she didnt raise him better. Your best bet there is to go independent yourself. Finish college, find a job and move out. Live life on your own far from influence of somebody like your dad. 

It sounds crazy to me to blame this on the grandma who might be stuck in the situation as she doesn't want to sour the relationship with her son-in-law and lose access to the grandkids after her daughter passed away. And OP should definitely say something if grandma doesn't even know dad is getting checks for your sisters. I agree with telling your grandma first and see what she thinks.

[SophiaG]

Given that your dad already demonstrated his selfishness and not giving a flying about leeching off his 73 yo MIL, I would not confront him before talking to your grandma first. Leave the escort etc out of it - your dad is an grown adult and can spend HIS money however he wishes - but definitely let your grandma know he's getting these monthly checks. Ask her if she's aware of your late mom's arrangement for your sisters and if so why hasn't she demanded your dad to cover the expenses or kicked him out. If your grandma has other concerns you can go from there.

Also agree with catfeeder you may want to get a free consultation from a few different lawyers and see what they say. I know at 21 all these may sound intimidating but this can be a worthwhile lesson towards adulthood. With your dad being emotionally - and financially - unavailable you need to help look out for your sisters and your grandma. What happens if your grandma gets an injury/illness or too old to work? Will your dad suddenly be ready to grow up and step up then?

[ShySoul]

@Cutepuppyxoxo25 If you come back and read this, please let us know how things are going. Sorry you've gone through this and I hope thinks are better.

And yes, speaking with the grandma was the right thing to do. It's not fair for you to have to parent the adults or take care of everything youself. Bring the issue to the mature one in the family and let the adults handle it themselves.

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, SophiaG said:

It sounds crazy to me to blame this on the grandma who might be stuck in the situation as she doesn't want to sour the relationship with her son-in-law and lose access to the grandkids after her daughter passed away. And OP should definitely say something if grandma doesn't even know dad is getting checks for your sisters. I agree with telling your grandma first and see what she thinks.

I don't blame the Grandma at all for the fact that the Dad is hiding his income. But him and his late wife lived with her for like 20 years. This man is 41 and he never got his own place. The Grandmother allowed all this for 20 years. In these types of co dependent or "leech" relationships, one person is being enabled and one person is the enabler. The Grandmother is the enabler and that's why this situation has gone on for 20 years. It didn't only happen when his wife died. It was going on for 15 years before that. Unless the Grandmother has dementia, she knows what's going on and always knew.

[ShySoul]

25 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The Grandmother allowed all this for 20 years. In these types of co dependent or "leech" relationships, one person is being enabled and one person is the enabler. The Grandmother is the enabler and that's why this situation has gone on for 20 years.

Perhaps it was something cultural about the family living together? Maybe Grandma and him have been at odds about the spending this whole time but she felt it was better to keep them there so as to watch out for and protect the rest of the family? 

When my brother had a drug problem he would come back and ask my parents for money to pay rent. On one hand it was enabling. On the other, can you blame them for not wanting him on the streets with no where to go?

Just throwing out possibilities. Think it's a little unfair to the grandmother when she is the one who has held everything together. Ultimately it's the father who has the problem and everyone else is trying to make the best out of a messy situation.

[Tinydance]

58 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Perhaps it was something cultural about the family living together? Maybe Grandma and him have been at odds about the spending this whole time but she felt it was better to keep them there so as to watch out for and protect the rest of the family? 

When my brother had a drug problem he would come back and ask my parents for money to pay rent. On one hand it was enabling. On the other, can you blame them for not wanting him on the streets with no where to go?

Just throwing out possibilities. Think it's a little unfair to the grandmother when she is the one who has held everything together. Ultimately it's the father who has the problem and everyone else is trying to make the best out of a messy situation.

No I totally get if it was something cultural. I agree if your child and/or grandchildren would otherwise be on the street then of course you need to help. But I think doing it for 20 years is just too long. And even if the Dad had no other income and he lost his job, he should be just getting another job. But he's not doing that and the grandmother just financially covers everything. What I meant is yes she's holding everything together but she needs to kick the son-in-law up the bum. Like, it's her house, her money. She needs to tell him, stop leeching off me.