Trying to decide if I’m with the right person

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Desert oasis said:

Rainbowsandroses thank you for your advice. For me tho, I do want to have a family and be married. I don’t want to just keep dating and having only surface level connections. I also believe that raising children is best done with two parents who are together. So to me divorce is not really an option. I feel that it is unfair to the child, unless there are extreme circumstances, then of course it is warranted. 
 

Not having divorce as a potential way out makes the commitment allot more serious. I know that I will not find someone who is better in all the ways. There would be some things that are better and some worse. So much of this decision comes down to who I want to be around and spend time with, and I didn’t realize how important a matched sense of humor was until I had a decent amount of time without it. Whenever I consider that, it seems clear to me that it is the right choice to leave. Then I consider all the good things we have and how devastating the breakup will be and it makes it very difficult to follow through. I do know now what I have to do, I just need to find the right time. 

Fair enough @Desert oasis, I understand and yes it is so hard! 

It's good you DO take commitment so seriously and I actually admire you for that!

My new suggestion fwiw is once you end this relationship (which IS the best thing with so many doubts) take your time and when you find someone special whom you think has potential for what you want (marriage and kids), maybe stay off the apps?

The dating apps and IG seem to be what's screwing you up, I mean all this comparing and such?  

Make a decision to give the relationship your best effort, stop comparing and thinking you can do "better" and see where it takes you!

Anyway, I wish you luck!   😀

[Desert oasis]

I do spend a fair bit of time reflecting on my thoughts and my intentions. In my experience much of this has lead to my wish washy behavior with women. I think to myself, this person doesn’t seem right for me. Then I think, but I’m probably just thinking that because I’m searching for perfection. I get into this mental stalemate where I don’t know if I should trust my judgement, or assume that my instincts are flawed because they are lead by greed and ego, like they are the little devil on my shoulder. 
 

I think this analysis is important, but I struggle knowing what part of myself to listen to. It makes it difficult to trust my decisions, especially the ones that will greatly affect the lives of others. 
 

I’m staring to sound like a broken record at this point. I thank all of you immensely for your help. It has been such a relief to have a place to talk this out and I have learned allot from this experience. Thank you! 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Desert oasis said:

Not having divorce as a potential way out makes the commitment allot more serious. I know that I will not find someone who is better in all the ways. There would be some things that are better and some worse. So much of this decision comes down to who I want to be around and spend time with, and I didn’t realize how important a matched sense of humor was until I had a decent amount of time without it. Whenever I consider that, it seems clear to me that it is the right choice to leave. Then I consider all the good things we have and how devastating the breakup will be and it makes it very difficult to follow through. I do know now what I have to do, I just need to find the right time. 

I'm glad you're coming to a resolution.  I feel as you do about divorce.  I also strongly believe that if a person is getting married because "well divorce is always an option" then that person is not ready for marriage.  I do know -hypothetically - under what circumstances I would divorce or strongly consider it and we're talking abuse/uncontrolled addiction/cheating.  But I never think about this because it doesn't apply to us at all.  I married a person of character and integrity.  A thoughtful, kind, respectful person with solid values in every way.  A person who shares common values and goals with me and who believes in marriage as a wonderful institution.  And believes in us. And he's cute!! 

So in the world of "but yes anything can happen" I mean sure the sky could fall in, illness can happen -etc but I refuse to live my life that way.  There's a lovely balance between being pollyannish and being all doomsday.  What you describe is not a more serious commitment because someone who marries because they are comfortable that divorce is a potential out isn't truly committing in a marital way. 

Since I was so old when I reconnected with my future husband I got all the crap about being too picky, looking for perfection -ridiculous nonsense.  And offensive.  I was the Runaway Bride for years.  But when I reconnected with my future husband I think I shared here I knew technically there could be someone better in some way I suppose and I Did Not Care that such a person might exist.  Any of my lovely friends and family could have called me and said guess what I met an even more perfect guy for you than your guy and he's single and I told him about you and he wants to meet you!!! I would have said "thanks.  no thanks. I'm good."  But my true people would never have said that to me -they saw that we were together and they saw why and when asked I told them why. 

I worked in a male dominated industry for over 15 years, I lived in NYC I met hotties all day long and worked with them too.  I had an active social life very often in trendy places and future husband and I were long distance for a lot of the time we dated even after we married.  And it didn't matter who I met/interacted with/encountered.  Because I wasn't shopping anymore, I wasn't comparing, I wasn't all grass could be greener.  And he is NOT perfect! I am not perfect.  That is not why.  He also was surrounded with lots of attractive, intelligent, successful women and traveled all over the world.  I worried -zero - twinges at times in certain situations where women flirted with him -sure - but worried?? No.

You might be wishy washy because of a general fear of commitment. I think that is very very rare says the former runaway bride (my mom wore her mother of the bride dress for my cancelled wedding -to her granddaughter's wedding instead).  I think so so often it's just you haven't become the right person to find the right person.  JMO.