Trying to decide if I’m with the right person

[rainbowsandroses]

@Desert oasisgiven all the positive things posted in your initial post about her including the strong physical attraction and connection... and your reasoning for wanting to end it being she doesn't laugh at your banter and you find her stories boring, I have to ask, is this a pattern with you?

Wanting to end things as soon as the relationship gets close to making a permanent commitment?

To add, you breaking up and then missing her and wanting to get back together (twice) is indicative of someone with commitment issues, have you explored that at all?

I have NO doubt you believe she's not the "right" person for you and maybe she isn't, but when you think about it, IS there a "right" person for you? 

My understanding of these types of commitment issues and fears is there IS no "right" person, at first yes BUT as soon as it gets close to a permanent commitment your fears rear there ugly heads, you scramble to find something 'wrong' and bail.

Suddenly what once felt right suddenly feels all wrong! 

Although this is the sense I get from your posts, I have no idea, just asking if this was been a pattern for you in previous relationships.

 

[Batya33]

On 8/20/2024 at 11:12 AM, Desert oasis said:

One thing we do not share is a certain playful banter that I have had in all of my past relationships. We have a different sense of humor and we don’t really make each other laugh. I show her things I find funny, and she doesn’t really find them funny. I’m afraid to do little things like prank her or scare her for fun, because I know she won’t like it. 

I mean for me this is essential and our son loves when we crack each other up although he refers to us as cringey since you know we're old and he's a teenager.  We're silly together, tons of inside jokes from like 25-30 years ago even when we worked together.  He bankrupted me in online monopoly totally by accident on Sunday and we were laughing so hard we were crying and we're in our late 50s.  To me it's so important cause you know life is  tough sometimes and parenting isn't always a piece of cake (although we just finished some birthday cake for me!).  Don't settle for this -I take what Rainbow wrote to heart as well -it's all good to consider, evaluate but if bottom line is you don't like hanging out with her and you don't have compatible senses of humor I don't think you two are right together for marriage and family.  (Funny enough in our one premarital "counseling" with the religious officiant he said "look I know you two love each other but I want to know -do you like each other -do you like hanging out together -what do you like to do together?"  We looked at each other and smiled and one of us said "well we like watching Seinfeld reruns!" This got us the seal of approval lol.  Don't settle.

[Desert oasis]

It seems like the best thing to do is to end this relationship and try again. 
 

You could say I have commitment issues. I would say I am quite picky on who I want to spend my life with and have kids with. I know this is partly due to dating apps and instagram. They create a feeling that there are so many amazing people out there. But then you start dating and it’s very hard to find someone like you imagined. I ended my last relationships after 4 years because we had a history of some pretty terrible yelling arguments. I did not want to commit to a life with that type of communication. When I met my current gf a year later, she was so reasonable and non-reactive. It was very refreshing to share complete honesty and not get into yelling fights ever. 
 

However, the reality is I traded the yelling behavior of my ex, for fear and anxiety in my current gf. My ex was a very strong and tough woman and I admired that about her, but she was jealous and reactive. My gf now is not jealous or reactive, but she suffers from anxiety and fear. This is almost as bad, it’s just the other side of the coin. 
 

I don’t think my standards are unreasonable, but I am aware that I am looking for a rare person. 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Desert oasis said:

Thank you so much for all for the advice. It is extremely helpful and such a relief to get to talk about this. Just to be clear, I meant I was living in hell because I had this deep dark secret that was tearing me up but I could not share it with anyone, and it was making me depressed. I did not mean the relationship itself was hell. It’s the weight of thinking it must end and how devastating it will be. 
 

I agree that staying with someone out of pity is a really poor idea. It will inevitably end badly. It is really hard to end things in this case because we have so many things that are great. It would be much easier if we had more problems with our relationship. I have also spent allot of time dating and the dating market is pretty terrible. The real question becomes can I find someone better for me, or am I just trying to maximize every situation in my life, chasing perfection that doesn’t exist? 
 

If I compare her to a woman I imagine I would want to be with then I am comparing her to a fantasy that I have created in my head. My mother is a wonderful person, I know that much of my idea of a life partner is shaped around finding someone like my mother. Since I was young, the woman that I have imagined being with is caring and compassionate, supportive, and funny, but also incredibly beautiful and in good shape, and cares about staying fit. I am lucky that I have always been athletic and in good shape, so I am attracted to the same in a partner. If I ad to this list someone that is not politically extreme, living in Seattle, this makes for an almost impossible standard. 
 

Everything is relative. What matters is if I believe I can find someone better for me. That is my biggest question. 

This^ is the exact same post you posted yesterday morning on page one, verbatim.

There have been responses to it but it's fine if you don't wish to respond.

I wish you luck and do hope you find whatever it is you think you're looking for. 

All the best.

[Desert oasis]

I posted that by accident. I just fixed it 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Desert oasis said:

I could say I have commitment issues. I would say I am quite picky on who I want to spend my life with and have kids with. 

^^Firstly, I think it's great that you can acknowledge you have commitment issues!  Many people can't, they go through life jumping from one relationship to the next in their never-ending search for perfection and ultimately end up unfulfilled and unhappy.. 

Never taking the time to look within to determine if it's something within themselves causing their internal conflict.

Secondly I think it's good to be picky!  I am extremely picky and would never settle for someone I didn't think was a good fit for me and I for him and who I loved and he loved me!

However I am wondering if you read my post on page 1 regarding being on a constant quest for "better"?

I won't repeat it only to say there will always be "better" in some form or fashion especially when one (you) is constantly comparing her to the women on IG and dating apps. 

But when we truly love our partner, we accept all of them, the good, the bad and everything in between.

So imo that's what it really boils down to.  Do you "love" her?  Can you accept her for what she does bring to the table?  Does she enhance your life?

Also if I may ask, what made you break up with her, twice, but then want her back?

Were you not aware the first time you broke up that she didn't share your banter, told boring stories and was anxious and fearful?  What happened that caused you to want her back?  Twice!

You said when you began dating you were attracted to her being non-reactive and reasonable.

That is the opposite of anxious and fearful so what happened?.

Did it occur to you that your uncertainty and ambivalence and the fact you keep breaking up with her is actually causing her anxiety?.

I dunno, just some thoughts.

Good luck whatever you decide. 

 

[redswim30]

On 8/21/2024 at 9:58 AM, Desert oasis said:

Thank you so much for all for the advice. It is extremely helpful and such a relief to get to talk about this. Just to be clear, I meant I was living in hell because I had this deep dark secret that was tearing me up but I could not share it with anyone, and it was making me depressed. I did not mean the relationship itself was hell. It’s the weight of thinking it must end and how devastating it will be. 
 

I agree that staying with someone out of pity is a really poor idea. It will inevitably end badly. It is really hard to end things in this case because we have so many things that are great. It would be much easier if we had more problems with our relationship. I have also spent allot of time dating and the dating market is pretty terrible. The real question becomes can I find someone better for me, or am I just trying to maximize every situation in my life, chasing perfection that doesn’t exist? 
 

If I compare her to a woman I imagine I would want to be with then I am comparing her to a fantasy that I have created in my head. My mother is a wonderful person, I know that much of my idea of a life partner is shaped around finding someone like my mother. Since I was young, the woman that I have imagined being with is caring and compassionate, supportive, and funny, but also incredibly beautiful and in good shape, and cares about staying fit. I am lucky that I have always been athletic and in good shape, so I am attracted to the same in a partner. If I ad to this list someone that is not politically extreme, living in Seattle, this makes for an almost impossible standard. 
 

Everything is relative. What matters is if I believe I can find someone better for me. That is my biggest question. 

I really don't think you are compatible with this woman.  Any irritation you have with her now, will only grow and multiply the longer you are together. 

It may SEEM like a small issue, but IMVHO, sharing the same sense of humor is HUGE in making a long term relationship work.  I say this as a divorced woman whose first spouse did NOT share her sense of humor and with a current husband that DOES_ and the difference is night and day.  My current husband and I can laugh together at most of life's problems.  Whereas,  my ex would mock my sense of humor. 

It's never a good idea to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's comfort.  Listen, it's really an old wives tale that women cannot conceive after 40.  It may be statistically harder, but it is by NO means "impossible".   Besides, there are many other options these days, and it's really not your burden to carry.  I personally do not think you should have a child with this woman. 

While there are NO guarantees is life and there is NO such thing as the "perfect person" and therefore no such things as the "perfect relationship" - it is important to consider what are and are not deal-breakers for you.  IMVHO, the very fact that you were haboring such doubts tells me that these AREN'T insignificant incompatibilities for you.  Remember, there's no right or wrong, it all depends on what you value.   IMVHO, sharing a sense of humor and agreeing on social behaviors are two BIG Issues.  

No one here can tell you what does or doesn't matter to you.  No one can give you a guarantee that you will find someone "better", because what does that even mean.  But statistically speaking, you have a strong chance of being able to meet someone else who may share closer values to you.  Of course, they will also be imperfect and may have other issues you find tough to deal with.   Only you know what you are or aren't willing to compromise on. 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Desert oasis said:

However, the reality is I traded the yelling behavior of my ex, for fear and anxiety in my current gf. My ex was a very strong and tough woman and I admired that about her, but she was jealous and reactive. My gf now is not jealous or reactive, but she suffers from anxiety and fear. This is almost as bad, it’s just the other side of the coin. 

People are like pendulums that swing back and forth. It's not uncommon or surprising that this would happen. You had such a bad experience that you sought out the opposite as you did not want to go through the same thing again. But then you saw the grass wasn't as green as you thought it would be on the other side. You went for something that was just as frustrating to you, just in a completely different way. 

The key is to find moderation. Some fire is good, too much burns you. Being calm and steady is good, but sometimes you need to speak out more.

4 hours ago, Desert oasis said:

You could say I have commitment issues. I would say I am quite picky on who I want to spend my life with and have kids with. I know this is partly due to dating apps and instagram. They create a feeling that there are so many amazing people out there. But then you start dating and it’s very hard to find someone like you imagined.

It's hard to find someone like you imagine because you are trying to compare each person to this perfect vision in your mind. No one can live up to that vision. That's the whole problem with these apps. Yes, there are many amazing people out there. But you can't appreciate what makes them amazing because you don't see them as a unique individual. You see them as one in a chain and if they don't fit perfectly (which they rarely if ever do), then it's onto the next.

In any relationship, focus on the person you are with. Recognize her for her, strengths and flaws. Don't think about the ideal woman for you. Don't think about any other woman. Just think about her and ask yourself, is this the woman who will truly make me happy and fulfilled? 

[Desert oasis]

rainbowsandroses To answer your question, why did we break up before? Until recently I have worked as a yacht captain which meant spending the summers on a boat in the Caribbean and the winters here in Seattle. The first time we broke up was in the spring of 2023 before I left to go back to the Caribbean. We had decided that a long term relationship was not what either of us wanted. It was hard, but it seemed to make sense. It was certainly harder for her than it was for me.
 

Later in the summer as I was finishing my work in the Caribbean I had an opportunity to bring someone in to help me sail the boat from the Bahamas all the way to Grenada. A 3-4 week trip. Her and I had stayed friends and were messaging all the time and I couldn’t think of a better person to ask for a trip like this. She flew in and just the two of us had an incredible sailing adventure and I decided to give it a shot with her again. In the later stages of the trip I told her I did not see our future together. Although I was being honest to a question she asked I wish I had lied. Hearing this tore her apart and I was able to reconcile her but it is one of the scares that is probably still there. 
 

After the trip we stayed together and things were good. I went back to the boat for a month in October and I called her to end things. After talking it over she convinced me that my concerns were not things that we couldn’t overcome and we stayed together. 
 

Then in a few months later in January I decided to end things again. This time we broke up and I tried dating for about 5 weeks. Placed in the position of either loosing her forever or trying to keep dating, I decided to try to commit to her entirely. Decide that this is the person I will spend my life with. I have tried that now and am again filled with doubt. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Desert oasis said:

rainbowsandroses To answer your question, why did we break up before? Until recently I have worked as a yacht captain which meant spending the summers on a boat in the Caribbean and the winters here in Seattle. The first time we broke up was in the spring of 2023 before I left to go back to the Caribbean. We had decided that a long term relationship was not what either of us wanted. It was hard, but it seemed to make sense. It was certainly harder for her than it was for me.
 

Later in the summer as I was finishing my work in the Caribbean I had an opportunity to bring someone in to help me sail the boat from the Bahamas all the way to Grenada. A 3-4 week trip. Her and I had stayed friends and were messaging all the time and I couldn’t think of a better person to ask for a trip like this. She flew in and just the two of us had an incredible sailing adventure and I decided to give it a shot with her again. In the later stages of the trip I told her I did not see our future together. Although I was being honest to a question she asked I wish I had lied. Hearing this tore her apart and I was able to reconcile her but it is one of the scares that is probably still there. 
 

After the trip we stayed together and things were good. I went back to the boat for a month in October and I called her to end things. After talking it over she convinced me that my concerns were not things that we couldn’t overcome and we stayed together. 
 

Then in a few months later in January I decided to end things again. This time we broke up and I tried dating for about 5 weeks. Placed in the position of either loosing her forever or trying to keep dating, I decided to try to commit to her entirely. Decide that this is the person I will spend my life with. I have tried that now and am again filled with doubt. 

I think it's a bad idea to be with someone who has "convinced" you to stay or convince yourself to stay.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Desert oasis said:

rainbowsandroses To answer your question, why did we break up before? Until recently I have worked as a yacht captain which meant spending the summers on a boat in the Caribbean and the winters here in Seattle. The first time we broke up was in the spring of 2023 before I left to go back to the Caribbean. We had decided that a long term relationship was not what either of us wanted. It was hard, but it seemed to make sense. It was certainly harder for her than it was for me.
 

Later in the summer as I was finishing my work in the Caribbean I had an opportunity to bring someone in to help me sail the boat from the Bahamas all the way to Grenada. A 3-4 week trip. Her and I had stayed friends and were messaging all the time and I couldn’t think of a better person to ask for a trip like this. She flew in and just the two of us had an incredible sailing adventure and I decided to give it a shot with her again. In the later stages of the trip I told her I did not see our future together. Although I was being honest to a question she asked I wish I had lied. Hearing this tore her apart and I was able to reconcile her but it is one of the scares that is probably still there. 
 

After the trip we stayed together and things were good. I went back to the boat for a month in October and I called her to end things. After talking it over she convinced me that my concerns were not things that we couldn’t overcome and we stayed together. 
 

Then in a few months later in January I decided to end things again. This time we broke up and I tried dating for about 5 weeks. Placed in the position of either loosing her forever or trying to keep dating, I decided to try to commit to her entirely. Decide that this is the person I will spend my life with. I have tried that now and am again filled with doubt. 

Thanks for responding.

Reading your post specifically what's bolded, I now think it's best to break up with this woman.  For good!  

I mean all this uncertainty, back and forth, off and on gets silly after awhile don't you think?

Enjoy your travels, sounds exciting! 

Good luck moving forward. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Desert oasis said:

Placed in the position of either loosing her forever or trying to keep dating, I decided to try to commit to her entirely. Decide that this is the person I will spend my life with. I have tried that now and am again filled with doubt.

You made the choice you felt was right at the time. There's nothing to feel bad about. You felt enough for her to want to try and make it work. That is a good thing. What happened prior or what has happened since doesn't mean that you shouldn't have made that decision. At the time, with the knowledge and emotional state you were in, that choice was right for you. You chose to try. And trying is always a good thing.

Things change. If you no longer feel that being together is right for you, then you shouldn't be together. You should be in a relationship that fulfills you and makes you happy. If you are happy, stay. If you aren't, don't stay.

Why though did you feel you had to make the commitment to spend your life with her? Why go from one extreme of wanting to break up, to the other extreme of wanting to be together forever? It doesn't have to one way or the other. In making this the end of all things, you put more pressure on it. You built a case where everything had to be perfect, even when you knew from the past that it wasn't. So each imperfection became magnified. And know you feel stuck between for what was suppose to be forever and what in your heart doesn't feel right.

Learn to take things as they are. Learn to accept people for who they are. It doesn't have to be complicated. You don't have to search for something. Just go with what is there.

[Desert oasis]

I went from one extreme to the other because if we are going to stay together, given her age, we need to get married and start trying to have kids in the next 6 months. Hence the pressure to make a full commitment. I also thought that making this commitment and accepting it would solve my problem of always looking for greener grass. Unfortunately, it did not. I am terrified of the prospect of taking these next steps. But I can’t be sure if I am terrified of doing it with her, or if I’m terrified of doing it with anyone. 
 

I agree with shysoul that I was so happy to find someone so reasonable and accepting after my last relationship that I overlooked other things that are extremely important. When we broke up the last time I told her part of the reason was that we didn’t share a good banter and sense of humor. She said that it was because she never felt comfortable enough around me to joke around because we were always on shaky ground. It is apparent now that the reality is we are just different when it comes to humor, and that won’t change. 
 

I also know that much of her anxiety is caused by feelings of uncertainty with us that are my fault. I assume this will get better when we are married, but there is a risk that it won’t. 
 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Desert oasis said:

I am terrified of the prospect of taking these next steps. But I can’t be sure if I am terrified of doing it with her, or if I’m terrified of doing it with anyone. 

It doesn't matter particularly since your first priority is to act in the best interests of your future child.  Being in an unstable situation with the person who will be your spoouse and co-parent is not acting in that future child's best interests.  I had normal jitters about all of it since we had to start trying before marriage when we were 40.  Jitters - jitters that resolved quickly and were fleeting because I was reasonably sure and excited to be getting married and starting a family.  We had so much fun trying to conceive.  It was a happy joyful time other than the number of negative pregnancy tests.  Before we tried he said "if we conceive will we get married" and he meant -married sooner not "married" as we'd already decided we would be -we were long distance at that time.  I said yes with no hesitation.  It took us about a year to conceive because we were long distance. 

Our wedding was 5 months and 2 days after my positive test.  For sure there were times I had jitters -I mean pregnant, getting married, relocating 800 miles for the first time in my life plus planning on being an unemployed SAHM when I'd had an intense career the prior 15 years in a row.  Huge changes! Jitters yes. Maybe he did too -he didn't tell me but totally fine if he did.

  Fear of making a mistake -NOPE. Doubts about him.  Nope.  Feeling like there might be someone even better for me out there? Nope.  And for sure I knew technically there could be-right -I mean I only dated half the men in my city LOL but technically was irreelvant.  I found my person, I was reasonably sure and exicted to be with him and having our baby.  Reasonably -nothing is "perfect" -he is perfect for me in all the ways that matter. We're in our late 50s and he can irritate the heck out of me and vice versa I am sure and it is not always marital or parenting bliss for sure and at my core I know we are each other's person.  It's easy to get to that core, remember and reignite the spark because when you're reasonably sure that's the glue that holds you together when there are rough times or hard times -and all marriages I assume have them -and if not I'm not comparing.

[ShySoul]

16 hours ago, Desert oasis said:

I am terrified of the prospect of taking these next steps. But I can’t be sure if I am terrified of doing it with her, or if I’m terrified of doing it with anyone. 

It's always terrifying, for everyone regardless of who it is with. Making those kind of long term commitments is scary. You never know what will happen in the future, what challenges and obstacles will come up. You're trusting yourself, your very heart and soul, with another. Anything can happen. So having some fear is understandable. Think just about everyone gets the jitters every now and again.

But the thing that causes the most problems is fear itself. You can't let that fear control you or dictate how you behave. You have to be ready to take that risk at some point, to know that the possible benefits outweigh any potential risks. 

I believe when it is right, you know it is right. You may still have some fears, but those fears are minor in comparison to everything else you are feeling. You act because you can't imagine not acting, knowing that the chance at love is greater then anything else.

Hope you can find that one day. Hey, hope I can find that one day. lol

[Desert oasis]

I understand that the commitment itself will always be terrifying. Every relationship has its issues, and since all people do and see things differently, there will always be tensions.
 

It is so hard to know what other people go through, what is normal. One thing I hear people say allot is when you find the person you will know. I have never really felt this with my current gf. I have always felt that if she wanted to end things with me, I would not fight her, and would in fact be relieved. It seems like that is not normal. 
 

It is a fool’s errand to look for perfect, but that doesn’t mean that what I have now is right. My concern is not so much how I feel now, but how I will feel in 3 years when we are married with kids. The lack of playful banter at that point, and the annoying traits will be hard to deal with. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Desert oasis said:

understand that the commitment itself will always be terrifying. Every relationship has its issues, and since all people do and see things differently, there will always be tensions.

No it should never ever be terrifying IMO.  If a person is terrified to commit or commit to a person that person should walk away, 100% IMO.

I never bought into when you know you know even though I can spin my story that way.  It's not about whether there are tensions and obviously you don't look for a perfect person -but a perfect match -I think so.  And you are right you decide with head and heart whether you see a future with this person especially if you are considering kids or taking care of aging parents within your home etc. You want a home filled with love and to you part of that is playful banter.  Me too and others -maybe not at all or not so much.  You get to decide what are dealbreakers. I had some  that others judged.  Oh well -who cares.

[rainbowsandroses]

@Desert oasis, given your fears of committing and based on your previous posts, I will assume she's not the first woman you felt this way with, so why not just remain single and date casually?  

There is no law that states you must be married, even when having children assuming you want kids, I don't know, do you? 

Especially given the fact you rely on dating apps and Instagram and yes I agree with you, there will always be someone hotter and more fun etc on those apps.

Which is why for most people when they enter into a relationship with someone they feel has potential for a long term commitment, they stay OFF the apps! 

So just remain single and date casually, this way you can keep trading up without all this anxiety and confusing hurtful behavior towards your girlfriends.

That's what one of my brothers does who has commitment fears and issues, he recognizes his limitations re commitment and deals the best way he knows how by dating casually and not misleading anyone. 

JMO and something to consider.

 

[catfeeder]

On 8/25/2024 at 9:28 AM, Desert oasis said:

I also thought that making this commitment and accepting it would solve my problem of always looking for greener grass. Unfortunately, it did not. I am terrified of the prospect of taking these next steps. But I can’t be sure if I am terrified of doing it with her, or if I’m terrified of doing it with anyone. 

You already know that you don't want to do it with this woman, so why not just get out of this, and don't waste any more of her time.? From there, you can either work out the 'with anyone' answer, or you can cross that bridge when you get there, but there's no reason to prevent this woman from moving forward to seek what she wants with someone else while you solve your whole mystery.

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You already know that you don't want to do it with this woman, so why not just get out of this, and don't waste any more of her time.? From there, you can either work out the 'with anyone' answer, or you can cross that bridge when you get there, but there's no reason to prevent this woman from moving forward to seek what she wants with someone else while you solve your whole mystery.

I agree for a specific reason. You have specific issues with this woman as to why you don’t see a future with her. As opposed to vague doubts and fears having nothing substantive to do with her in particular 

[rainbowsandroses]

When a person has commitment issues and fears which the OP has admitted to, he will have "issues" with every woman he gets involved with seriously when it comes time to think about committing. 

His previous posts reflect the same thing happened in his previous relationships, his girlfriends lacked "this or that" which he found in his current girlfriend but NOW he finds she lacks something too - his jokey bantering humor and her anxiety the latter of which HE caused with his ambivalence and uncertainty.  He admitted as such.

I dunno it all sounds quite exhausting, again simply date casually, trade up when necessary and alleviate all this unnecessary anxiety and stress about it. 

Or if you truly do want a committed long term relationship or marriage, look within yourself and take steps to figure it out. 

That's where most answers can be found anyway, within ourselves.

I dunno makes sense to me anyway. 

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree for a specific reason. You have specific issues with this woman as to why you don’t see a future with her. As opposed to vague doubts and fears having nothing substantive to do with her in particular 

Yep, and she's the one with the fertility window, so you'd be doing her a kindness by allowing her to find someone who would be happy to give her what she wants. It's not you, and that's not a reflection on you. But your own doubts have already ruled her out, so let her get on with it.

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Desert oasis said:

It is so hard to know what other people go through, what is normal

There's no normal. There are our individual experiences. What other people go through is what they go through. It's there experience. What you go through, what you feel, that's what your experience is. Everyone one does it differently. 

If you aren't feeling it, then it's not right. You don't need to think it over any more. You don't need to worry about the future. Life is being in the moment and making the decisions that are right for us in those moments. If this isn't right for you in this moment, at this point in time, then you shouldn't be with her. It's better to realize that now and do something about it then to continue on and wait until it would be much harder and worse for everyone involved.

 

[ShySoul]

If you have this many conflicting thoughts, maybe the best course is to just take a break from dating/relationships period? 

You seem to be putting pressure on yourself to find someone, to make it work even when you aren't feeling it. When you are with someone, you're finding things wrong with it. You are worrying and stressing yourself over the future, over what to do. It's taking the fun and joy out of something that is supposed to be fun and joyful. It's causing you anxiety. I agree, it sounds exhausting.

Take some time for yourself. Have fun. Live life. Be in the moment all on your own. Give yourself a break.

Come back to dating and relationships when you are ready and refreshed, when you won't feel so stressed about making something happen and can just enjoy it when it does.

[Desert oasis]

Rainbowsandroses thank you for your advice. For me tho, I do want to have a family and be married. I don’t want to just keep dating and having only surface level connections. I also believe that raising children is best done with two parents who are together. So to me divorce is not really an option. I feel that it is unfair to the child, unless there are extreme circumstances, then of course it is warranted. 
 

Not having divorce as a potential way out makes the commitment allot more serious. I know that I will not find someone who is better in all the ways. There would be some things that are better and some worse. So much of this decision comes down to who I want to be around and spend time with, and I didn’t realize how important a matched sense of humor was until I had a decent amount of time without it. Whenever I consider that, it seems clear to me that it is the right choice to leave. Then I consider all the good things we have and how devastating the breakup will be and it makes it very difficult to follow through. I do know now what I have to do, I just need to find the right time.