Trying to decide if I’m with the right person

[Desert oasis]

Hello, I am looking to get a little advice. I have a girlfriend I have been with on and off for about 3 years. I have ended things twice before and about 6 months ago I decided to get back with her after we had been apart for one month. We have always had a wonderful relationship in so many ways. She is a very kind and caring person and we have an incredible physical connection, one that I have never had with anyone before. We share much of the same hobbies and we are able to have difficult conversations without yelling and getting angry at each other. We also share complete honesty with each other and this has been incredible. All of these things are very important to me when I consider spending my life with someone. 
 

One thing we do not share is a certain playful banter that I have had in all of my past relationships. We have a different sense of humor and we don’t really make each other laugh. I show her things I find funny, and she doesn’t really find them funny. I’m afraid to do little things like prank her or scare her for fun, because I know she won’t like it. 

I also get annoyed often when she is speaking. Her stories are just not super interesting and they are always quite drawn out. She also speaks very loud and it is grating. This is often uncomfortable when she is telling a story around our friends and there is this feeling like we are all just hoping it will end soon. I hate that I feel this way about someone I love, but keeping the audience interested is a social skill that she does not possess, and it is uncomfortable to experience. 
 

The last 2 weeks have been pure hell. I have been thinking about this constantly and the emotional stress I feel about having to end things again and destroy her again is allot to bear. It has put me in a state of depression and there is no one I can talk to about this. I am 35 and she is 41 and we both want to have kids, she has never wanted kids with anyone until we met. For her this relationship ending might mean she never gets to have children. I might be taking that from her. I know I can’t let that make my decision on weather or not this is the person I should marry, but it weighs on my sole nonetheless, making me physically ill. 
 

I must choose if the physical closeness and honesty we have, outweighs the lack of friendship. I don’t think we would be friends if we weren’t dating. I don’t know which is more important in a marriage. Sex only happens every now and then, I would think all the other moments are more important. 

[smackie9]

Off and on for a reason....you are not compatible. You can find a better balance with someone else. 

[Kwothe28]

45 minutes ago, Desert oasis said:

I also get annoyed often when she is speaking. Her stories are just not super interesting and they are always quite drawn out. She also speaks very loud and it is grating.

Now imagine that for the next 30 years. You cant and it would be too horrible? Yeah, you are not with the right person then.

As for her not having kids, my politician friend left his fiancé after 7 years relationship, 4 of those living together. She was 36 at the time. Rough for somebody who also wanted kids. They both bounced back. He met somebody else, engaged and living with her now and she met a foreign guy(well, from my country but living abroad), married and has a kid with him. Think she got it at 42 or even 43. So, never say never when it comes to stuff like that. 

[DarkCh0c0]

The definition of crazy is doing something over and over again and expecting different results.

You've tried more than once to get back to her, and it's not working. You're not a good match to each other. Maybe it's time you admit you're incompatible and move on?

50 minutes ago, Desert oasis said:

For her this relationship ending might mean she never gets to have children. I might be taking that from her. I know I can’t let that make my decision on weather or not this is the person I should marry, but it weighs on my sole nonetheless, making me physically ill. 

It's not something you should shoulder. She, as an adult, will figure this out. Some women are able to give birth until the age of 44, and she's already in the high risk bracket so a year of delay won't change her chances much. She will figure this out on her own. If anything, you need to let her go asap so she can do so. Set her free so she can find that.

53 minutes ago, Desert oasis said:

It has put me in a state of depression and there is no one I can talk to about t

Your mental health is like your compass sign and it's telling you what's not good for you. Listen to it.

I think you know the answer to this. Your feelings are valid. You just have to use that inner strength to go no contact because this situation has also been delaying you from finding a good match. You got this.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Desert oasis said:

For her this relationship ending might mean she never gets to have children. I might be taking that from her.

That's an overreach, and it's unnecessary. Breakups don't require a villain. Two perfectly valid and wonderful people can simply not be the right fit, and that's nobody's 'fault'.

You've learned the fact that we can love someone, like family, even while we don't necessarily like or enjoy them much. So knowing this about GF ahead of committing your entire future is a blessing. Sure, it doesn't feel like it in this moment, but you will certainly thank yourself when you've met the right person with whom you can laugh and enjoy your time together.

We are not obligated to stay in any relationship that doesn't work well for us. While of course you will both grieve, failing to credit GF with her own agency and ability to seek her own future goals and happiness, or not, is not helpful. Believing that committing to misery with GF would be the only good outcome for her is not accurate, it's a disservice to both of you.

[TeeDee]

If you are not happy then you need to get out forever.  This break up make up cycle is dysfunctional.  If things were great you would not have broken up before.  

Make a pros & cons list.  Then ask yourself the old Ann Landers question:  would you be better off with them or without them?  

[Coily]

This relationship clearly doesn't work for either of you. Why do you want to keep this cycle or even contemplate bringing a kid into that sort of world? I think you have found someone "good enough for now" that's not the kind of relationship that anyone can really get fully committed to when you can't stand their stories etc.

For both of your sakes, don't go forward or bring a kid into this relationship. You both deserve to be happy, but you clearly just don't click.

 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Desert oasis said:

One thing we do not share is a certain playful banter that I have had in all of my past relationships

Do not compare her, or anyone, to past relationships. Every relationship is different and will have their own unique dynamic. Focus on what you have togther and if that is emotionally fulfilling for BOTH of you.

4 hours ago, Desert oasis said:

I also get annoyed often when she is speaking. Her stories are just not super interesting and they are always quite drawn out. She also speaks very loud and it is grating...I hate that I feel this way about someone I love, but keeping the audience interested is a social skill that she does not possess, and it is uncomfortable to experience. 

Why the harsh judgement towards her? Maybe you find her stories boring or her voice irritating. But there will be others who like it. Just because her tastes in some areas differ from yours, doesn't say anything about her, just as it doesn't say anything about you.

And have you thought that maybe she finds some of the things you do or say just as uninteresting? You list several things you don't like about her. What about her feelings? These breakups can't be all one-sided issues. What things have you done/not done that has prevented this from being permanent?

 

[ShySoul]

On and off relationships don't have to mean you are not compatible. It doesn't mean you can't work out in the long term. It could be that you simply not in the same place, at the same time, enough to forge what is needed to make it work. There could still be some growing that needs to be done on both sides. 

At this point, it doesn't seem like you are ready for a full commitment. If you were you would not be describing being with her to be "like hell." You would not be making judgements upon her over small things like how she speaks. You would be appreciating that you have diffent senses of humor and maybe take joy in exposing each other to new things, or at least playfully rolling your eyes at what the other finds amusing. You would be focused less on sex and a physical connection, and more on the ability to have those really meaningful conversations. 

The core of a good relationship is a deep friendship. I have heard many people say they want to marry their best friend or that their spouse is their best friend. If you don't think you would be friends outside the relationship, what does that say?

I won't say things should be over for good. It is possible that you keep coming together for a reason and that reason still needs to play itself out. But at this stage, you don't seem like you want to be with her. Better for both of you to be honest about it.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

This break up make up cycle is dysfunctional.  If things were great you would not have broken up before.  

Yeah, this is important to consider. Why the previous breakups? And why do you keep returning?

It's natural even for the one who initiates a breakup to grieve and miss the person, they've been part of your life. But while grief is natural, that doesn't mean that the breakup isn't warranted or that your life won't improve once you can navigate the grief.

Research the 5 stages of grieving and commit yourself to finding your best ways of working through it. However, pilling guilt on top of your grief is not an effective way to manage it.

Head high, and write more if it helps. You deserve to find a happier path.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

And have you thought that maybe she finds some of the things you do or say just as uninteresting? 

^^Exactly which would further indicate incompatibility and why after several "off's and on's" this RL has most likely run its course. 

It doesn't matter if 'others' find her stories interesting, HE doesn't, and since HE is the one in the relationship with her, HE gets to decide. 

It's his future and his life. 

OP, I don't think it means you're not ready for a full commitment.  With HER you're not, and that's OKAY.

Better you recognize that now versus after you makes the full commitment and bring children into it. 

OP, not every relationship is meant to go the distance.  People come into our lives for lots of different reasons to "teach" us something, about ourselves, about others, about life, about the world.

I truly believe that, it's been true for me.

25 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

However, pilling guilt on top of your grief is not an effective way to manage it.

100% agree.  

[ShySoul]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Exactly which would even further indicate incompatibility and why after several "off's and on's" this RL has most likely run its course. 

It doesn't matter if 'others' find her stories interesting, HE doesn't, and since HE is the one in the relationship with her, HE gets to decide. 

It's his future and his life

His post seemed heavily focused on all the things that were wrong with her. He's entitled to feel that way if he wants. And ultimately, we came to the same conclusion that at this moment the relationship is not good for them.

However, think it is always good to look at things from the other persons perspective as well. If there are problems it is usually coming from both ends. 

I wonder what her views on the relationship is. I wonder if he may be causing issues that could be just as destructive to things. 

Regardless of what happens here, it would be beneficial to look at his behavior and see if maybe there are some things he could addressed. Maybe it's not just compatibility and it is something that could actively be worked on so that they could get it right. And if he doesn't want to be with her, maybe there are things he could work on that would make the next relationship work better.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

And if he doesn't want to be with her, maybe there are things he could work on that would make the next relationship work better.

100% agree with this^!

That's the idea, to learn and grow from every relationship, every experience both positive and negative, to take with you into your next relationship.

Hopefully our OP is doing that and is reaching out here only to vent his frustration, disappointment and hurt in a safe unbiased environment.

 

[ShySoul]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's the idea, to learn and grow from every relationship, every experience both positive and negative, to take with you into your next relationship.

Agreed. No one is perfect and has all the answers. There's good and bad in everything. What matters most is learning to distinguish between the two and taking a hard, honest look at things. It's all a learning experience, a chance to grow and better ourselves.

[Andrina]

If she read what you wrote here, unless her self esteem is in the gutter, she would no longer want to be with you. Staying for pity and the false assumption a person will fall apart without you is the worst reason to stay. 

There's more than one way to become a mother. Women who want that role and can't biologically carry a child or become pregnant, will figure out an alternate way. Have faith she has the intelligence to work that out herself.

You've now learned what your must-haves are in a relationship, so be alone for a while to mourn the end of this relationship, and to be prepared to date within the standards that are important to you.

[shouldhavelearned]

Get out before you have children with her

[Desert oasis]

Thank you so much for all for the advice. It is extremely helpful and such a relief to get to talk about this. Just to be clear, I meant I was living in hell because I had this deep dark secret that was tearing me up but I could not share it with anyone, and it was making me depressed. I did not mean the relationship itself was hell. It’s the weight of thinking it must end and how devastating it will be. 
 

I agree that staying with someone out of pity is a really poor idea. It will inevitably end badly. It is really hard to end things in this case because we have so many things that are great. It would be much easier if we had more problems with our relationship. I have also spent allot of time dating and the dating market is pretty terrible. The real question becomes can I find someone better for me, or am I just trying to maximize every situation in my life, chasing perfection that doesn’t exist? 
 

If I compare her to a woman I imagine I would want to be with then I am comparing her to a fantasy that I have created in my head. My mother is a wonderful person, I know that much of my idea of a life partner is shaped around finding someone like my mother. Since I was young, the woman that I have imagined being with is caring and compassionate, supportive, and funny, but also incredibly beautiful and in good shape, and cares about staying fit. I am lucky that I have always been athletic and in good shape, so I am attracted to the same in a partner. If I ad to this list someone that is not politically extreme, living in Seattle, this makes for an almost impossible standard. 
 

Everything is relative. What matters is if I believe I can find someone better for me. That is my biggest question. 

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, Desert oasis said:

What matters is if I believe I can find someone better for me.

Define "better"?  A woman who laughs at your jokes and whose stories you find boring?  

I only ask because there will always be someone "better."  And when we find better, there will always be someone better than that!

Being on a constant quest for 'better' will always lead to disappointment imo.

When we truly love someone, for most people "better" doesn't even enter their realm of consciousness because they love their partner which means accepting all of them, the good, the bad and everything in between. 

There are no perfect people, only perfect for us because we love them and they love us!

You opened your thread with this:

On 8/20/2024 at 8:12 AM, Desert oasis said:

We have always had a wonderful relationship in so many ways. She is a very kind and caring person and we have an incredible physical connection, one that I have never had with anyone before. We share much of the same hobbies and we are able to have difficult conversations without yelling and getting angry at each other. We also share complete honesty with each other and this has been incredible. All of these things are very important to me when I consider spending my life with someone. 

In my experience this^^ is very rare to find.  I'm not even sure there IS better and perhaps what's really going on is you fear making a commitment and scrambling around trying to find an exit by finding so called "flaws" to justify you bailing out. 

JMO and something to consider. 

On the other hand, if despite what's quoted above, you don't truly love her, then end it. 

In any event, good luck with whatever you decide. 

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

On 8/20/2024 at 11:12 AM, Desert oasis said:

I also get annoyed often when she is speaking...I hate that I feel this way about someone I love...I don’t think we would be friends if we weren’t dating. 

That isn't what love looks like.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Desert oasis said:

Everything is relative. What matters is if I believe I can find someone better for me. That is my biggest question. 

If  you have the dream of someone else you are settling.  (From the movie You've Got Mail) I almost settled and didn't settle in the least and we got married and became parents at 42. Our son is 15 and he loves hearing about our wedding, seeing us together as his parents and married and he dislikes when we bicker but he knows we love each other.  It's unfair to settle.  Obviously if your standard was I'll only marry a supermodel who is a member of Mensa with a great trust fund ok but she is not a person you are reasonably sure about reasonably excited to marry.  Right? 

[MissCanuck]

On 8/20/2024 at 5:12 PM, Desert oasis said:

I have ended things twice before

Then I hate to burst your bubble, but you do not have a wonderful relationship. 

You two have tried. It's not working. I would stop beating the dead horse and kindly part ways. 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Desert oasis said:

The real question becomes can I find someone better for me, or am I just trying to maximize every situation in my life, chasing perfection that doesn’t exist?

Perfection doesn't exist. What does exist is a person that is pefect for you. That doesn't mean you will like everything about her. It doesn't mean she will like everything about you. There will be times you get on each other's nerves, fight, drive each other crazy. It's why we vow to be together in good times and in bad. No one is perfect and no relationship will ever be perfect.

But when it is the right person, those flaws can be annoying quirks. They can even become endearing. We get through the fights and find ways to resolve them. We see that the connection we have, the love that is shared, is stronger the differences or disagreements. That's love.

I'd try not to have a checklist or image of this perfect woman. Don't compare someone to that vision or to anyone else. Take them for who they are and see if what you share together is fulfilling and makes you happy. Are you, and her for that matter, better of because you are together?

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Being on a constant quest for 'better' will always lead to disappointment imo.

When we truly love someone, for most people "better" doesn't even enter their realm of consciousness because they love their partner which means accepting all of them, the good, the bad and everything in between. 

Yep.

If you're always trying to look for better, you can fail to appreciate the greatness of what you already have right in front of you. And when you really love someone, you accept and love all of them - even the parts that make you want to pull your hair out. 😉

Don't let perfect be the enemy of what is already good.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

On 8/20/2024 at 11:12 AM, Desert oasis said:

I have ended things twice before

Then I hate to burst your bubble, but you do not have a wonderful relationship. 

Yep. You've broken up twice already. What's up with that?

[yogacat]

OP. Stop coasting along. You've broken up twice. She's not your person. Let her go. She deserves to be with someone who loves her completely, not someone who is just settling.

Your doubts and frustrations are valid and don't dismiss them just because you've had good moments with her.

Why would you want to marry and have children with someone who you don't share a strong friendship with? 

I would never want to be with someone who I couldn't be myself around or share in playful moments with. You both deserve to have a partner who brings out the best in each other, including laughter and joy.