how do i heal after a long term relationship

[melly]

Hey!

I made a post just a few days ago talking about how my boyfriend has distanced himself from me. Since then we have talked about it on the phone for a long time.

It started with him telling me that he feels like I don‘t understand that sometimes things get hard in relationships, over to him telling me i am insecure and then to him telling me about his depression. He said he feels numb, frustrated and like everything is hard for him. Nothing is fun, except for when we meet and do something fun and even that is exhausting to him.

I told him that i am not willing to see him because it makes me feel awful. I try to connect and i can‘t because he is doing terrible mentally and is closed off. 

We decided to just break up because he said that he won’t go to therapy and that there is nothing i can do. 

I am so lost and alone now, even though i felt just like this while being in that relationship the past couple of months.

I started reading, watching motivating youtube videos and my goal right now is connecting to myself again but i don‘t know how.

I‘ve been very depressed and anxious for the past couple of moths and neglected my plants and they are all dead now, i have to throw them away. 

I just feel so defeated and i don‘t know where to start.

Does someone maybe have advice on how to deal with this? I have never been in this position, i only have myself and never had any close friends. 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

The best way I know to "connect to myself" is to do vigorous cardio - often outside in nature is best if  you can - can you find 20 minutes to put earbuds in with music or a podcast and walk briskly -like at least 3miles an hour speed or more - outside or if not on a treadmill or like that?

I'm so sorry about  your breakup and that  you're struggling.

[TeeDee]

A break up can be taxing.   Sometimes you just have to do something little to get started.  It's the maxim:  a journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single step. 

Are you getting up & going to work or school?  If so that is a good start.  If you are struggling with those, start smaller.  Try getting another plant & taking care of that.  If you can add some type of movement / exercise into your day that would be helpful.  Go for a walk around the block.  Get some sun on your face. 

Journaling can be a big help.  Try doing a gratitude journal.  Every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for.  They don't have to be profound but you should try to make them different each day.  For example, when I do this, in winter my down comforter makes the list a lot.  🥶  Add 3 more each night before you go to sleep.  Read the lists over once per week so you can see all the good things in your life. 

[ShySoul]

Sorry you're feeling down melly. Breakups hurt. They can be hell. Know it's okay to be sad and depressed but that you will recover from this. Embrace what you are feeing and really give yourself the time and grace to go through all the mixed emotions. Cry if you feel like crying. Be angry and vengeful at him if it helps. Imagine getting back together if you need that brief moment of fantasy. All of those things are natural to feel, so really feel them if you do. But keep reminding yourself you made the right decision and that you will be okay and better off for it.

I'd first realize if he wasn't treating you well, then he's not really a catch anyway. He was making you feel bad in the relationship. Even in your conversation he was trying to put things on you - that it's your insecurity and that doing something fun together exhausts him. He admits to being depressed but won't do anything about it, closing himself off. Staying would have only made you feel worse and that hurt wouldn't have gone away. This might hurt for awhile, but you'll get through it.

From there, just find something that you love and throw yourself into it. It can be anything, as long as it makes you smile and makes you happy. It's about taking yourself out of the sadness and pain, and putting your attention on what uplifts you out of the darkness and into the light. It's slowly seeing that you can enjoy yourself without that person or that relationship. It's having fun on your own and embracing the person you are. Love yourself and try to enjoy the life you want to live.

It will get better. It's just going to take some time (and ice cream if you have any 😉).

 

 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, melly said:

...neglected my plants and they are all dead now, i have to throw them away. 

I just feel so defeated and i don‘t know where to start.

My heart goes out to you. While I'm sorry you're hurting from the breakup, you can decide over time to make  a goal of having it become the best thing that has happened for you. You deserve better treatment, and someday when you are ready, you will find it.

Place to start? Shop for some new plants. Make them a symbol of renewal and create a morning ritual to connect with yourself as you tend to them. Ask yourself motivating questions, especially what kind of day you intend to have. Not hope or wish, but rather, set your intention to gift yourself some moments of reward in your day. Plot ways that you can brighten your mood as you move forward. Small acts of kindness, staying aware of opportunities to offer those to others, even if it means a warm smile or a kind word to a stranger, or helping a neighbor you see struggling to carry something, or whatever. You'll start to form larger and larger goals over time.

If you don't have friends, consider some ways to meet people and make some acquaintances. Connect with family members you may have neglected, co-workers, neighbors, groups within your community. Push yourself to fill your calendar with commitments to others that you will not break. Help a neighbor paint a room or clean up their yard. Moving out of my own way to devote time to ANY other person beyond myself was not only critical to my own healing, I learned how quickly this focus beyond my own pain worked to ground me and 'normalize' me into states beyond my self pity.

This doesn't mean you won't have natural periods of grief in your days. Consider researching the 5 stages of grief, but understand that these are more like fleeting and reoccurring 'cycles' rather than neat and linear stages that you can measure to determine your progress through your grief. They are important to recognize as they continually occur, not only to avoid feeling crazy, but also because it helps to understand these states as natural and common to people suffering all forms of grief: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance.

I like the suggestion above to journal, and there's even a section on this forum where you can do that. It helps to identify your various encounters with stages of grief, and to give yourself some boo-hoo time with a tissue box. But then move your focus in the direction of a goal or reward that you can move toward, which will help you to feel moments of pride, self acceptance and even glimmers of joy. Use the Internet to find classes and events and meetup.org groups as inspiration to learn something new and develop a talent or a passion that brings you some joy. Those good times will start to last longer and longer even while the sad times shorten and become less relevant.

Healing isn't something that happens 'to' us or 'for' us, we are required to participate.

Please feel free to write more if it helps, and I'm holding you in my thoughts.

[DarkCh0c0]

You are so courageous. Good job for standing up to yourself.

I love @catfeeder 's advice.

For some comfort and reassurance, this is a go-to during breakups:

Take your time to go through all the stages. Time heals and it gets worse before it gets better! Be kind to yourself. This is just a beginning of something new 🩷

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

...Take your time to go through all the stages. Time heals and it gets worse before it gets better! Be kind to yourself. This is just a beginning of something new 🩷

Yes, this is so true. It will feel worse sometimes, and that doesn't mean that your healing is failing. It's just a natural bump in the road that you need to go through in order for the healing to be 'real'.

Yes, take your time, and decide in each moment of suffering whether you can embrace your pain with just enough objectivity to avoid making it habitual. Decide that you are on your own side of healing, and use your inner voice to comfort yourself like an inspiring coach. Encourage yourself to keep reaching toward your future Self who has so much potential to enjoy living.

Your self talk will be your double-edge sword. You can use it to reconcile your pain and honor it even while you reach toward healing and growing beyond this one significant but 'teaching' event.

You're allowed and perfectly entitled to feel your pain in any given moment. It's part of the growing pains of life. Console yourself about that, and trust that you have so much future to live for, and this pain is part of the growing process that will tenderize you and help you to become stronger through empathy toward every other person who suffers. You will become strong enough to help the next person through it. That's how pain becomes our 'gift'.

Head high, we are with you.

[AuthenticSelf]

On 8/21/2024 at 12:00 AM, melly said:

I just feel so defeated and i don‘t know where to start.

 

Where do you want to go? 

 

I mean what results are you looking for at the moment?