Do you read the wording in the dating profile?

[yogacat]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sort of but not necessarily.  Frankly that sounds like a Disney movie lol 😆, I don't think it actually works that way.

Although sometimes it can!

I was referring more to what I described in my follow up post.   You see someone you find attractive and you'd like to talk to them so you either boldly approach or find a more subtle natural way of striking up a conversation.

 

The guy that recently cold approached me. He did it so subtly. He first came up and sat right next to me, very close in my personal space. I went to the ladies room, came back and moved to the front of the room, he made his way over. Then he just randomly struck up a conversation. He was quite handsome, so maybe that helped to catch my attention.

But what really impressed me was the way he carried himself. He was confident and had a great sense of humor.

He also showed genuine interest in getting to know me, asking about my interests and passions. It didn't feel like he was just trying to hit on me, but rather that he was genuinely interested in connecting with me as a person.

I've also have had men see my picture (either through a friend's social media) and start a conversation trying to get to know me more.

With online dating, I think I got a lot of initial interest because of my pictures. But with this guy, even though he was definitely attractive, it was his confidence and genuine interest that really caught my attention. It showed that he was interested in more than just my looks, and that's what made him stand out.

So, with online dating, sure, you're going to message people you're physically attracted to, but if you're serious about finding someone that is a match for you I think reading the person's profile, just to get a small glimpse into who they are, can go a long way. I know for my cousin, he married a woman off a dating website because she loved skiing, and so did he. But they knew that prior to meeting, so when they did it gave them a great starting spot for a great relationship.

I don't care how good looking someone is through photos, if I read their profile and they sound like a self-absorbed or rude person, I won't be interested.  

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I remember one guy who came up in my searches and had a lovely profile. Luckily I read the whole thing since he "revealed" he was lying about where he lived - he wanted to come up in my city's searches but lived around 1000 miles away.  And of course the too many liars who "confessed" in the profile about their real age again to manipulate the system.  Saved a lot of time for me with a quick read.

Yes, I mean, let's face it, online dating does open up the doors for people to fib. And I'm not talking about little teeny tiny white lies. Have you seen that show Catfish? I mean, those stories are actually real. Not so much the Manti Te'o story (that's just awful, let's break this down - He had a relationship with a girl for over a year, the girl cheated on him with a guy that doesn't actually exist, and the entire time he was in love with a girl that wasn't even real...) but stories just as twisted. However, sometimes I just think the root of the deception is good ole fashioned insecurity.

I'm not saying its right. And what I'm about to say isn't right either but I believe there are a lot of times we don't fully expose who we are to people we are just getting to know right off the bat. Call it "putting your best foot forward." Its finding a critical balance between what is going to get you the results you want with what you think people can handle.

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't care how good looking someone is through photos, if I read their profile and they sound like a self-absorbed or rude person, I won't be interested.  

^^That's fair yoga.

For me, I don't place much value on that because the written word is often ambiguous, and he could be a great guy and completely different in real but a lousy writer.

Course if he's an a-hole in messages, I just delete him!  I've done that plenty of times! 

32 minutes ago, yogacat said:

He also showed genuine interest in getting to know me, asking about my interests and passions. It didn't feel like he was just trying to hit on me, but rather that he was genuinely interested in connecting with me as a person.

^^Totally agree! 

I've also had that experience on line with certain men who have messaged me based on my photo and I responded based on his photo.

And once we began messaging and interacting, they displayed interest in getting to know me and connecting with me.  And of course I did as well. 

It happened that way with my ex-husband and with another long term boyfriend years ago. 

 

 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, yogacat said:

don't care how good looking someone is through photos, if I read their profile and they sound like a self-absorbed or rude person, I won't be interested.  

I was careful in my profile to minimize negativity - I had only two "no" -no illegal drugs, no excessive drinking and I think I wrote something like "if you don't want kids in the not too distant future that's fine and feel free to keep scrolling(or searching)".  So if a profile had too much negativity/jaded stuff I moved on.

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^That's fair yoga.

For me, I don't place much value on it because the written word is often ambiguous, and he could be completely different and a great guy in real but a lousy writer.

I think you're far more open to meeting anyone which I think is great quality but I am a bit more selective.  

Experiences have told me that it's better to try and weed out the people you know might not mesh with your personality and values from the get-go rather than try to force a connection with someone who has shown signs of being incompatible.

I do like your approach though. I can't help what I am attracted to on first glance so if I feel turned off by something someone has written then I generally just don't even bother.

My experience online dating was brief.. I was inundated with messages and I met someone and had a great relationship for 6 months until he moved half way around the world. I think if I would have known that was going to happen I would have been extremely choosy from the get-go. It was a great 6 months though so I don't regret our time together and nothing about it felt forced.

[Batya33]

Just now, yogacat said:

I think you're far more open to meeting anyone which I think is great but I am a bit more selective.  

Experiences have told me that it's better to try and weed out the people you know might not mesh with your personality and values from the get-go rather than try to force a connection with someone who has shown signs of being incompatible.

I do like your approach though. I can't help what I am attracted to on first glance so if I feel turned off by something someone has written then I generally just don't even bother.

I didn't evaluate how good he was with the written word as long as nothing sexual or inappropriate language - I wanted to make sure we had the same general goals and he met my check list for potential husband. I wasn't open to meeting anyone who didn't as I didn't want to waste my time or theirs.

[catfeeder]

44 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^IMO it can be BOTH, for me it certainly is anyway! 

How a man thinks, what he's about etc is extremely important to me.

As I’ve said, I just prefer to find out about him while interacting with him one-on-one versus reading about him on an online dating profile.

I understand. In my case, if his profile is blank, I won't be interacting with him one-on-one unless he happens to step up in the grocery store. 🙂

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think you're far more open to meeting anyone which I think is great quality but I am a bit more selective.  

Lol oh trust me I'm selective too!  See below which you may have missed as I added it.

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Course if he's an a-hole in messages, I just delete him!  I've done that plenty of times! 

Again it's just the profile I don't place much value on.

Everything beyond that is the same!

[Batya33]

I think this is such a tough question to answer as why people are searching on a dating site is so varied.  A person looking for a casual date or hookup might focus more on a photo, a person with a very particular  type might do so as well.  Then there are those mostly looking for sexting/chat buddies or on there for an ego boost to see how many responses they'll get.  And it's like in real life -if in real life this particular person wants arm candy or focuses a lot on physical features it will likely be the  same on a dating site.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

...if his profile is blank

Lol, yeah that's an entirely different thing and quite rude, imo!

As I said I don't have much myself but I have something, at least to reflect I know how to construct a sentence. 

Just nothing personal and I wait for the likes, dislikes, what I'm looking for etc for when we begin interacting with each other. 

Just my personal preference.

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I can't help what I am attracted to on first glance...

^^Absolutely 100%.  The majority of messages I receive go straight to trash for just this reason. 

His look, his style (based on his pic) and also his opening message must be unique to me, I couldn't even tell you what that is!

Only that I know it when I see it, and when it happens, I respond.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

A person looking for a casual date or hookup might focus more on a photo...

Not true necessarily, it's isn't for me.

I'm not into casual, but I do place value on his pic on some level because at the very least, I need to find him attractive.  To me, something unique.

If in real life, he looks different or his pic was old or fake and I'm not "feelin it," I next him!

That said, I DO get what you're saying though and agree it can be tough! 

Very tough at times. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't evaluate how good he was with the written word as long as nothing sexual or inappropriate language - I wanted to make sure we had the same general goals and he met my check list for potential husband. I wasn't open to meeting anyone who didn't as I didn't want to waste my time or theirs.

Hi Bat, I'm curious how you dealt with this^ with men you met in real life?  Say at a singles event or a meet-up event?

Obviously you wouldn't know how they felt about marriage and kids right?  As there was no profile to view with men stating this.

Would you ask them during your initial conversation?  If not, how soon would you bring it up? 

I've read you met your husband in real life, how soon with him did you discuss it?

I'm not trying to be flip I promise, I genuinely am curious.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Not true necessarily, it's isn't for me.

I'm not into casual, but I do place value on his pic on some level because at the very least, I need to find him attractive.  To me, something unique.

If in real life, he looks different or his pic was old or fake and I'm not "feelin it," I next him!

That said, I DO get what you're saying though and agree it can be tough! 

Very tough at times. 

I agree. Not what I meant in my post. I didn’t date liars so if his photo was inaccurate meaning he was 40 pounds heavier or it was a very old photo that was not ok with me. 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Bat, I'm curious how you dealt with this^ with men you met in real life?  Say at a singles event or a meet-up event?

Obviously you wouldn't know how they felt about marriage and kids right?  As there was no profile to view with men stating this.

Would you ask them during your initial conversation?  If not, how soon would you bring it up? 

I've read you met your husband in real life, how soon with him did you discuss it?

I'm not trying to be flip I promise, I genuinely am curious.

Here’s what I found in all my dating. Men in general with rare exception didn’t want to date me. They wanted to marry me. I say that with some joking but only some. So the vast majority of the time the man would tell me within the first date or so what his general life goals were. Including personal goals like marriage and family. I met many many men in real life. All the time.  Most of them I met and also went on a date typically wanted marriage and family and through general convo I already knew what he did for a living and where he lived and where he’d gone to college and beyond. He told me most often. Or it came up naturally. 
One man I ended up seriously involved with was shortly after a broken engagement. On our first date he told me he didn’t want to marry till he was 30. He was 22 and I was 23. I didn’t care as I was just out of a serious relationship. He proposed to me when he was 26 lol. But when we got serious about 6 months later it was clear he wanted marriage sooner. Unfortunately he was in denial that he was gay. But that’s another story lol.  
My long term ex who I was with on and off for 7 years was early 30s when we met. So was I. Our friend who set us up was his friend and coworker so she’d already sort of vetted him for me as far as what he was looking for. 

So in my experience I rarely had to ask. And if I did it was well received. I never got at all serious with anyone who wasn’t marriage and family minded - maybe at most one or two dates. And I dated clean cut men who were well educated and had careers and didn’t do drugs and had a similar religious outlook to me and more often than not those men were marriage minded. I didn’t date married or separated men and very rarely divorced men or men with kids. 
With my husband we met at work. Our first lunch date wasn’t really a date. We didn’t need to discuss. We were marriage and family minded and it just sort of came up naturally - nothing to ask or like “interview”. I would have been shocked knowing what I knew of him and his upbringing and where he was brought up if he didn’t want marriage and family. Never a concern of mine. He knew I’d been engaged in the past so maybe he figured I was interested in marriage. He met my family and my young nieces and nephew esrly on and I remember my niece said to him shortly after meeting him - we’d been dating a month or so - “if you don’t marry my Aunt will you marry me??”  lol. 
Also I’m not religious. Neither is my husband. I rarely encountered men who I would be interested in dating who didn’t want to get married and have a family. 
 

[DarkCh0c0]

@rainbowsandroses gotcha! 

[smackie9]

A profile never tells the whole story or is something that can easily be misleading. Hence the frustration people face...especially those photos that are 10 years old lol. So being diligent in reading a profile is mute. The proof would be in the date for sure.

IMO nothing beats meeting someone irl.

[ShySoul]

People can lie and mislead in real life. People can lie and mislead in photos. People can lie and mislead on a profile. Nothing is ever guaranteed.

So look at the combo. Take people for who they present themselves as and go with your feelings. You're instinct is probably correct. 

It's not about the look, the words, or anything else. It's the connection. It's the feeling that they intrigue you and that you want to know each other. It's not evaluating them based on some set of standards, it's about just encountering someone who you connect with and can talk to without thinking or worrying about anything else.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

40 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

It's not about the look, the words, or anything else. It's the connection.

Of course it's about the connection Shy.  I didn't read where anyone said it wasn't.

But one doesn't jump from "nothing" to "connection," there is the initial pull, whether it's online or when you meet in real life say at a singles event or meet up. 

For most people that initial pull is finding them attractive -- something unique, something about their style and look that intrigues you that causes you to want to take a closer look.

From there you begin interacting and determining if there is a "connection."

But with online especially it's completely unrealistic to think or expect that you can skip that initial pull and interaction and automatically begin connecting.

I mean sure if/when you meet someone spontaneously like on the train or something and you begin chatting with no ulterior motive and you find yourself connecting, but this thread about online not meeting spontaneously.

With the man I met online on Tuesday (a second date tonight BTW 😂 ), he messaged me, I found his pics intriguing (to me), I glanced his profile briefly and discovered he's into art and music which I found appealing so I messaged back, we began chatting and immediately we connected.

Not on any deep level, but we obviously both felt comfortable and scheduled a meet. 

But yes I did need that initial pull obviously, I had nothing else to go on! 

 

 

[ShySoul]

44 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

For most people that initial pull is finding them attractive -- something unique, something about their style and look that intrigues you that causes you to want to take a closer look.

From there you begin interacting and determining if there is a "connection."

But with online especially it's completely unrealistic to think or expect that you can skip that initial pull and interaction and automatically begin connecting.

And yet it happened to me at least three times online. 

I read one person's comments to someone and instantly felt a connection. They said exactly what I would have said, with the same degree of warmth and compassion. The heart displayed and unique style of the words and values drew me to her. So I messaged her and we started interacting more. And she also had noticed and was intrigued by me.

Woman randomly messages me based on nothing but my screenname.  We start chatting. Within minutes we are mutually intrigued and kicking off a connection that kept growing.

And a woman makes a friendly comment on something I said. We start trading comments and messages, finding we do have a lot in common and a connection.

None of that happened based how they looked. None of us even shared a picture until well into our interactions and the conncetion having been established. There was also no profile. The intial pull was based on who we were, our natural personalities, and just the fun we had interacting.

I'll always say perception shapes reality. If you believe it has to be looks first, it will be looks first. If you believe it needs to be a smashing profile, you'll focus on that. If you are just open to the attraction being from anything - humor, heart, a screenname - then that becomes a possibility as well 

Anything is possible. 

[rainbowsandroses]

56 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I read one person's comments to someone and instantly felt a connection. 

^^It sounds like you are referring to an online forum like this one where everyone is interacting and you're reading comments and responding.

If so, that has happened to me too although it did take him sending me a private message and us chatting privately for a bit before I felt a connection.

But hey if you felt a connection from simply reading their response to another member of the forum, more power to ya, I do not think this is typical and I'd be hesitant to say this is the norm or even realistic for most people. 

A "connection" by definition is between two things or people and I don't see how a connection can be established between two people by one person reading comments from another person to another member on an internet forum.  

Interest in that person? Yes. 

Connection with that person?  No.

JMO and if it happened to you, so be that was your experience. 

It's possible you sensed each other's "energy" or something, anything is possible!,

But again it's not what this thread is about.  It's about online dating and meeting on a dating app or website wherein you have literally nothing to go on except their picture and profile. 

No comments to read to other members of the forum or yourself,  it's completely different Shy. 

I trust you are able to understand the difference? 

If not that's fine too. 😀

 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

A profile never tells the whole story or is something that can easily be misleading. Hence the frustration people face...especially those photos that are 10 years old lol. So being diligent in reading a profile is mute. The proof would be in the date for sure.

IMO nothing beats meeting someone irl.

What if in the profile he mentions that he says no children?

The person would probably bypass him as to not waste their time so I think having a profile with a few tid bits is better than none. In fact, I would never agree to a date with someone that had NOTHING mentioned in his profile. That tells me that 1) he's married, 2) he's a fake, 3) he's lazy. If they're going on and on about themselves that would also make me turn the other eye.

It's not like we're robots and see a picture and say, yeah, 5% match but we'll do. I think most do read the profile so they can at least communicate what one is looking for. Except those just looking for sex maybe.

There's a another thread of a man that is looking for slim/petite women but all he's getting matched with are obese women. If he was more descriptive in his profile, like he is in the thread, then some time could have been saved.

Of course there would still be those that don't read the profile but at least some would. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Also BTW @ShySoulI don't completely disagree with you about physical appearance.

And like you I do think two people can connect without knowing what the other looks like, it's happened to me! 

However developing our connection did require us interacting and chatting first!  

I think I've posted this before but a few years ago I did something called 'Dating in the Dark" wherein everyone was placed in a dark room and we interacted sight unseen.

All we had to go on was voice, how well they articulated themselves, and well sounds hokey but their "energy."

I did not feel a connection with anyone but it was interesting!  

 

[Batya33]

I never looked for a connection from a profile or photo. Or typed emails or messages.  I looked for information to screen in or screen out. So as not to waste anyone's time meeting in person.  To me "connection" was too vague and abstract when it came to looking for the right person to marry and hopefully start a family with.  A spark or potential for a spark -to differentiate from just friends as opposed to romance? Yes- I gave that a couple of dates depending on the person, situation, circumstances.  I like thinking of friendships and relationships in very specific ways because I think it focuses on the individual person.