Struggling with the situation of the break up

[Ash123]

My Fiancée broke up with me back in November and it's been up and down ever since.. moments of nearly getting back together to then moments of it going completely the wrong way and then leveling out again. I have been ignored and then the conversations have been normal again and we have still spent time together now and again. She stayed at mine a few weeks back and again everything was going in a nice way just to slingshot back again. She asked me to go round the other night to help with our daughter then caused a massive scene at the door and pushed me out physically. This carried on to the next day and I didn't have my daughter again.. I was blocked up until last night and honestly have no clue what to do at all.

[ShySoul]

Can we have more context? What caused the breakup? Did you agree with the breakup or did you want to stay together? How long had you been together? How old is your daughter?

Sometimes this is what breakups are like, especially if you still tied together by a child. Feelings can linger, but there are still the issues which caused the breakup in the first place. So it becomes a cycle of getting closer only to fall apart again.

What are your feelings about this? Do you want to still be with her? Or are you ready to move on?

[smackie9]

Borderline personality disorder?

[Cherylyn]

Back off.  However,  be a good father,  pay your child support and be involved in your child's life as you co-parent.  Don't focus so much on the relationship with the mother of your child.  Concentrate on being peaceful yet unemotional.  Be all business without being cold.  Be matter-of-fact. 

[Ash123]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Can we have more context? What caused the breakup? Did you agree with the breakup or did you want to stay together? How long had you been together? How old is your daughter?

Sometimes this is what breakups are like, especially if you still tied together by a child. Feelings can linger, but there are still the issues which caused the breakup in the first place. So it becomes a cycle of getting closer only to fall apart again.

What are your feelings about this? Do you want to still be with her? Or are you ready to move on?

 

Thank for the response. It was caused by on going issues of stress on both sides and difficulties with arguements and such. I didn't agree with the break up and I wanted to stay together. We had been together 3 years and also known each other since school so we go back like 14 or so years. Our daughter is 2 and she has kids also as do I have another from a previous relationship.

I want still to sort things out and do still want to be with her and do not feel ready to move on

 

 

[Ash123]

 

53 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Borderline personality disorder?

For her? She definitely has issues of mental illness and such 

[Ash123]

53 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Back off.  However,  be a good father,  pay your child support and be involved with your child's life as you co-parent.  Don't focus so much on the relationship with the mother of your child.  Concentrate on being peaceful yet unemotional.  Be all business without being cold.  Be matter-of-fact. 

I do my best most of the time and more often than not I do not chase or bring or anything about getting back together and such but things still seem to have issue etc 

[Cherylyn]

55 minutes ago, Ash123 said:

I do my best most of the time and more often than not I do not chase or bring or anything about getting back together and such but things still seem to have issue etc 

Remain calm and goal oriented.  Don't go sideways meaning minimize and diffuse issues. 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Ash123 said:

This carried on to the next day and I didn't have my daughter again..

Contact an attorney or legal aid about her interference with your child visitation.

[Ash123]

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Remain calm and goal oriented.  Don't go sideways meaning minimize and diffuse issues. 

Yeah I do my best in that way and will keep doing so thank you

[Ash123]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Contact an attorney or legal aid about her interference with your child visitation.

I've spoken to someone recently who's spoke to us both apprently 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Ash123 said:

I've spoken to someone recently who's spoke to us both apprently 

that doesn't sound like an advocate for you personally - I'd focus on the best interests of the children and be specific, focused and not vague like this in seeking and implementing professional advice.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Ash123 said:

I've spoken to someone recently who's spoke to us both apprently 

You either want to step up and consult the best possible representation, or you don't. If you're not going to look out for yourself, who will?

[TeeDee]

Let this romantic relationship go.  It's too dysfunctional.  

Figure out how to co parent.  Be a good dad but give up on the one big happy family 

[ShySoul]

Top priority is to present a safe and caring environment for the children. Be there for them above all else. Do what you have to do for them.

You can't address the relationship until you address the causes of the breakup. That's on both of you. You can't control her side, so look at yours. Take a look at your actions and see if there is anything you could have done differently. Learn from the experience. Use it to be a better person and a good father.

Try to be there for her if you can, but realize she needs to resolve her issues for herself. You don't have to move on or let it go if you aren't ready. But at least put a pause on any of those thoughts. She clearly isn't in that state of mind yet. So stay neutral. Be calm and even. Be patient and understanding. Don't give her anything to get riled up over and let her handle her own stuff for know. If she starts something, don't engage unless its about your daughter, and then only to ensure the daughter is okay. 

You can always re-evaluate things down the road. Maybe your feelings will change and you will be able to move on. Maybe she will start to get better and you can revisit things if both of you are in a better place and able to handle it. But let that be in the future, should the situation arise.

[Andrina]

You each lack the appropriate skills to make this work in a healthy way. If she isn't getting mental health treatment and you two aren't in couples' counseling and improving, then this is the best solution:

All further discussions have to be child-centered only. No more talks of romance. No sleeping together. If she is stressed out and asks for help with your child when it's not your normal custody visit, remove the child from the mother's home for the visit. Don't stay and do it together. You should both meet with a mediator to discuss healthy co-parenting, because it's hurting your child to see the strife between you two.

Over time, if you put up these boundaries, you will start seeing her solely as the mother of your child but will be able to emotionally have closure from her as a romantic partner.