Do I just stay away now?

[LadyA]

My LDR boyfriend of 7 months (who I see in real life), traveled to Dallas on Thursday night so he could work at his partner’s office seeing patients since his partner was out of town. They each have medical practices in separate states.

He told me he was going out for dinner with a “friend” Thursday night and then out for drinks with his cousin. I asked him if we were going to talk that night and HE said yes… that he would call between dinner and drinks. Well, he texted around 10pm that he was still at dinner.  I called him an hour later and it went right to Voicemail. He has his phone set to go on Do not disturb automatically and it was set to that. I called again, because it will ring through on a second call, and he didn’t answer. So, I sent a text an hour later and noticed it didn’t go through. It was like he turned the power off to his phone or it ran out of battery.

The message was pushed through the next morning around 9:15am and he texted me at 10:30am saying he’d call me after his next meeting. He called me back at 3:30pm and didn’t say a word about not calling the night prior when he said he would. We’ve talked about it on at least two other occasions, too.

When I asked him what happened, he said he fell asleep at his cousin’s house and his cousin didn’t wake him up. 

He’s had similar shady behavior in the past. 

I explained that I thought he was going to call and that we’ve talked in the past about him not following through on his word. I also said I found his behavior very unattractive. He then said he knew we talked about it before. But no apology, nothing. He said that maybe I should call him back when I was in a better mood.  I asked him if that was all he had to say and he said yes and that he didn’t like being chastised.  He then went stone cold silent! No words, nothing. It felt like a staring contest. So, I said it seems we have nothing more to say and he said yes, have a nice day and we hung up. 

He also said he was seeing patients all morning. (Well, I called the office and no doctor was in the office that day, just the nurse practitioner. So, he wasn’t working at his partner’s office.) I didn’t even bring this up but clearly he lied! He’s told me that no doctor sees patients on Fridays.

He hasn’t called me and I haven’t called him.  I feel like I know that I need to let him go, but need some moral support.  
 

Any words of advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

[yogacat]

When he didn't call you like he said he would when he was out with his friend, I would have just left it as: “You must be having fun with your friend - I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Enjoy!” and left it at that. 

I think leaving a message like that would have been the better route to go rather than calling multiple times and texting an hour later to be like: "Why didn't you call?"

He wasn't interested in calling or talking during his night out. That happens, of course. Now, the do not disturb shouldn't have been on as far as I'm concerned, but what can ya do there.  

I'm not saying your suspicion isn't warranted, but how you were approaching it probably just pushed him further away. I don't think he responded well either, but to be fair, “you must be having fun with your friend - I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Enjoy!” would have probably defused that right away. 

That said, him lying about seeing patients doesn't look good and bringing that up would be a fair thing to do, too. This all just really sounds like too much energy trying to figure out someone who just isn’t willing. It takes two here and sure, calling and texting shouldn’t be an issue, but if your partner is being unreasonably defensive and vague then you really have 50% of the effort lacking here.

[Coily]

Let things cool down for a bit. Then have a conversation when you both are not tense about this. Your situation seems like a cascade of problems at amplified each other.  

I agree that he is not looking great in what happened. Part of me wonders if his talking about seeing patients was him reacting to the bickering.  But yikes does that make him look shady.

It's worth saying if I was out with my friends/cousin and I missed a call; I probably would not be thrilled with being chastised. Though I would have probably been aware enough to say "talk to you tomorrow;" and avoid unnecessary problems. 

Don't be shocked if this is the beginning of an unraveling of the relationship.  But, have the conversation first.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, LadyA said:

When I asked him what happened, he said he fell asleep at his cousin’s house and his cousin didn’t wake him up. 

He’s had similar shady behavior in the past.

I explained that I thought he was going to call and that we’ve talked in the past about him not following through on his word. I also said I found his behavior very unattractive.

JMO but the first bolded was/is complete BS.  The entire situation that night seems shady as heck, turning off his phone after telling you he'd call but didn't?   Along with everything else?

My guess is he was out with another chick he'd been chatting with, they met, they clicked and were together the entire night. 

In fact, that may have been the true reason for his trip in the first place!  An assumption, yes but it's the definite vibe I'm getting from what you posted..

Second bolded, full stop, you're acting like a parent.  

Again jmo but don't ever talk to (lecture) a man about not following through or any other shady behavior, you're not his mother. 

Simply distance yourself.  Get busy without him.  He's not stupid, he'll know why. 

Assuming you still wish to remain in this, what appears to be, unstable relationship.

I wouldn't, I am definitely sensing some extremely shady vibes from what you posted about his actions that night.

If me, I'd say nothing and just walk away.  Look for something local.

 

 

[LadyA]

45 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

JMO but the first bolded was/is complete BS.  The entire situation that night seems shady as heck, turning off his phone after telling you he'd call but didn't?   Along with everything else?

My guess is he was out with another chick he'd been chatting with, they met, they clicked and were together the entire night. 

In fact, that may have been the true reason for his trip in the first place!  An assumption, yes but it's the definite vibe I'm getting from what you posted.

this was exactly my thought. And, sadly, because the last time I was away with him, there was a girl who called him three times and he said it was a device representative. Why was she calling him Friday night, Saturday morning and Sunday night? And, he was texting her back multiple times. Professionals don’t use those hours, nor call so much. So, my antenna has been up since then.

Second bolded, full stop, you're acting like a parent.  
I get your point and agree with you. I’m not trying to make an excuse for myself… In retrospect, I acted this way because not only did he not call, he turned off his phone that night and then back on around 9:15 AM only to call me at 3:30 PM that afternoon. It felt so disrespectful. Like you said, it would’ve been best to distance myself, by not answering the phone when he called.

Thank you for your opinion and advice.

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

Same person from a month ago who acted jealous of you in a photo with a guy friend? Then proceeding to throw a childish tantrum and not talk about it with you?

Now he misses checking in with you when he said he would, has lied about his whereabouts and doesn't want to talk about it with you?

And you have a prior instance of him talking to a girl and lying about who it is?

That's three strikes (and probably a lot more that you haven't shared). He's out.

He hasn't demonstrated that he values you or the relationship. You are better without him.

 

[ShySoul]

Some advice from someone I believe you have respect for:

"Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other's achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain." Mr Rogers

He doesn't sound like he's been kind, patient or tolerant. Seems like he is more focused on his gain that what he gives. His commitment to the relationship is make believe, and not the good take the Trolley kind of way. 

Have confidence in yourself and don't look back.

 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, and I can appreciate that you're hurting. I can only speak for myself. If I were to reach a point where I'm miserable enough to behave like a detective to measure and document a case against my partner, then I'm already done. Just done.

[Kwothe28]

Seems that he has similar shady behavior as you with your orbiter. Like two pees in a pod lol

Its hard to say what he has done. For example, he could just get wasted from alcohol with cousin and never turned up for job next morning. Unprofessional but it cold be something that happened. And yes, it could also be other women involved. In any case, he is a liar. And liars and cheaters stay liars and cheaters forever. So its dubious why would you even want to stay with somebody like that. 

[poorlittlefish]

6 hours ago, LadyA said:

He’s had similar shady behavior in the past. 

I explained that I thought he was going to call and that we’ve talked in the past about him not following through on his word. I also said I found his behavior very unattractive. He then said he knew we talked about it before. But no apology, nothing.

In other words, you had previously had a calm discussion about what you wanted from the relationship in terms of boundaries and expectations.  He knew full well what those were, but chose to ignore them by failing to do as he'd agreed (call you), ignoring your contact attempts/turning his phone off and finally lying about his whereabouts.

He would have seen the missed call notification.  At that point he could have excused himself from whoever he was with to return your call or he could have messaged you.  Nobody is that involved with their "friend" or cousin that neither of these options are unavailable to them.  He disrespected you and your relationship but doesn't care.  That is not someone I would want to continue with, especially when it's a LDR and you've only been together for 7 months.  Please let this one go and find someone local to date who's more present and less shady.

[LadyA]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Same person from a month ago who acted jealous of you in a photo with a guy friend? Then proceeding to throw a childish tantrum and not talk about it with you? 
 
Sadly, yes… same person. 😔

Now he misses checking in with you when he said he would, has lied about his whereabouts and doesn't want to talk about it with you?

Seems so unfair. He completely stopped talking… stonewalled me.

And you have a prior instance of him talking to a girl and lying about who it is?

Yes, definitely with texting her. And, she was calling him Friday night, Saturday morning and Sunday night… that I saw. Who knows how many other times. 🤦🏻‍♀️

He hasn't demonstrated that he values you or the relationship. You are better without him.

Yes, and it’s so humiliating and sad that I even allowed this. I’m better off without him and am feeling a huge range of emotions about it all.

Thank you, @ShySoul. I appreciate you remembering and your thoughtful response. 

 

 

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

 

[LadyA]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Some advice from someone I believe you have respect for: 

"Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other's achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain." Mr Rogers

He doesn't sound like he's been kind, patient or tolerant. Seems like he is more focused on his gain that what he gives. His commitment to the relationship is make believe, and not the good take the Trolley kind of way. 

Wow, you have an excellent memory 🙂. He hasn’t been any of those things… at least in a consistent fashion.

Have confidence in yourself and don't look back.

These words are very helpful. What the heck have I been thinking with this guy?! It felt so, so disrespectful. Like I never mattered to him.

 

[LadyA]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you, and I can appreciate that you're hurting. I can only speak for myself. If I were to reach a point where I'm miserable enough to behave like a detective to measure and document a case against my partner, then I'm already done. Just done.

And, especially to find out with your detective work that they lied… and it’s not that your intuition was off. Lied like it was no big deal.

 

I am hurting and done.  I need to process it/move through it and get to the other side. The signs have all been there, I (for some reason) decided to ignore them.

Thank you.

[LadyA]

7 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

In other words, you had previously had a calm discussion about what you wanted from the relationship in terms of boundaries and expectations.  He knew full well what those were, but chose to ignore them by failing to do as he'd agreed (call you), ignoring your contact attempts/turning his phone off and finally lying about his whereabouts.

He would have seen the missed call notification.  At that point he could have excused himself from whoever he was with to return your call or he could have messaged you.  Nobody is that involved with their "friend" or cousin that neither of these options are unavailable to them.  He disrespected you and your relationship but doesn't care.  That is not someone I would want to continue with, especially when it's a LDR and you've only been together for 7 months.  Please let this one go and find someone local to date who's more present and less shady.

Yes, we’ve talked about it on at least two other occasions and knows how much it bothers me. I almost wonder if he did it on purpose to get under my skin. He’s repeated other behaviors that I told him bother me. This isn’t the first one. Gosh, what the heck have I been thinking?!

And, I agree. He could have stepped away to call me back (or at least text me) if he was with a friend or his cousin. I’ve done that to talk with him when I’ve been out to eat with other people.  It feels so disrespectful. And, I’ve been out with him when he’s rejected calls from another woman (who he said was a sales representative for a medical device). Why was she calling him repeatedly Friday night, Saturday morning and Sunday night (at least those are the calls I saw). 
 

I feel like he’s been playing me all along, and I chose to see and believe what I wanted, not what was real. 😔
 

Thank you. 

[ShySoul]

18 minutes ago, LadyA said:

I feel like he’s been playing me all along, and I chose to see and believe what I wanted, not what was real.

That's being human. We have an amazing capacity to see what we want to see, to believe in people despite all evidence to the contrary. That can be a great thing if used correctly and with good people. But there are plenty of people who will take advantage of that trait. 

Don't feel too bad. We all make mistakes and we all get fooled. But you've seen the truth and will be far better off going forward. For you it's a new day, a better one where you can actually be happy without the constant lies and stress. For him, it will be the same old routine that will never really satisfy him. You're the winner here.

[LadyA]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

For you it's a new day, a better one where you can actually be happy without the constant lies and stress. For him, it will be the same old routine that will never really satisfy him. You're the winner here.

Thank you. It’s interesting that while I’m very sad, I also feel this overwhelming relief. The blinders are off. He will never be satisfied with the life he’s living and will likely to continue to create this pattern with many others. 
 

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, LadyA said:

 He will never be satisfied with the life he’s living and will likely to continue to create this pattern with many others. 
 

Or, possibly, he and you both might have learned that an LDR is not sustainable for you and you will look for relationships with people that you can get to spend time with and get to know in day to day iife.  

Wishing you the best going forward.

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, LadyA said:

Thank you. It’s interesting that while I’m very sad, I also feel this overwhelming relief. The blinders are off. 

You don't fully realize the weight you've been carrying around until it's no longer there. Now you can finally breathe again.

Good luck with the new lease on life. Enjoy it.

[LadyA]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You don't fully realize the weight you've been carrying around until it's no longer there. Now you can finally breathe again.

Good luck with the new lease on life. Enjoy it.

I feel so much lighter and was able to do some things in my house that I’ve been putting off for the past several months. It felt so good!

Thank you, @ShySoul.