Girlfriend bundled with Separation Anxiety

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, TooMuchInformation said:

Sadly the waiting time for the uni therapy is exceeding 8 months waiting time, I have expressed to her that it would be worthwhile in the long run, but it is unfortunate that it is such a long wait. Hence exploring other options.

We've got a house that we are renting with two others.

We have our separate rooms, but yes same living space. I recognise that this will likely have an impact with her aforementioned separation anxiety as it means we will be living in closer quarters, but the housing situation was all arranged late last year. Definitely will be setting up boundaries and the likes from the get-go to ensure that her independence doesn't worsen.

She had the implant put in at the start of her last relationship, she isn't going to be perusing any other contraceptive as her experience with them before were not good (could be poor timing with her other medication at the time). We won't have any pregnancy scares though regardless, so if she want's to go forward with birth control for her periods, that is up to her probably at a later date.

 

I am glad she is open to a form of therapy again, I know she is hesitant toward the idea but she recognizes the importance. I'm just hoping we can get through this together.

Eight months? That's crazy long. Can her parents help her pay for private therapy? The issue with her wanting to wait until her address changes should be relatively easy to get around. Patient records department can always update the correct address after. Is the issue not finding a therapist or the cost? Does she have health insurance? If it's the cost ask about sliding scale. That's a more affordable therapy. 

How do you plan to provide support in the living quarters and also have your private space/privacy?

Her not being able to take a nap when you're not next to her and you're living in the same space. How do you plan to nip that in the bud and also have space to be a couple and separately so that expectations do not become unreasonable?

I really hope the two of you can come up with a system together that allows some sort of balance as individuals and couple life. Has she been open to suggestions and brainstorming? How have you balanced what you can personally handle on the subject without it causing stress to you? How has she responded well to suggestions in most cases?

I'm also assuming that since she is no longer open to female contraceptives, that you will be prepared for condom usage. Sorry, don't mean to be so personal, but just in case it needed to be brought to the table. I mean, her getting pregnant would definitely cause an emotional/work/future stress so just being mindful of that and and her ability to cope with that kind of stress and looking for alternative contraceptives.

[TooMuchInformation]

6 hours ago, yogacat said:

Eight months? That's crazy long. Can her parents help her pay for private therapy? The issue with her wanting to wait until her address changes should be relatively easy to get around. Patient records department can always update the correct address after. Is the issue not finding a therapist or the cost? Does she have health insurance? If it's the cost ask about sliding scale. That's a more affordable therapy. 

How do you plan to provide support in the living quarters and also have your private space/privacy?

Her not being able to take a nap when you're not next to her and you're living in the same space. How do you plan to nip that in the bud and also have space to be a couple and separately so that expectations do not become unreasonable?

I really hope the two of you can come up with a system together that allows some sort of balance as individuals and couple life. Has she been open to suggestions and brainstorming? How have you balanced what you can personally handle on the subject without it causing stress to you? How has she responded well to suggestions in most cases?

I'm also assuming that since she is no longer open to female contraceptives, that you will be prepared for condom usage. Sorry, don't mean to be so personal, but just in case it needed to be brought to the table. I mean, her getting pregnant would definitely cause an emotional/work/future stress so just being mindful of that and and her ability to cope with that kind of stress and looking for alternative contraceptives.

She comes from a family with a difficult financial situation so whilst they may be able to pitch in some money, it would be a short term loan rather than anything. We are moving in less than a week, so it really isn't too long at all to wait. I will definitely inquire about sliding scale!

I have already established with her that I will be doing a lot of work in my room for my course, and she has a deadline coming up very soon so she has to get on with that, and due to the specifics of it she will have to be in her room to do it (due to the chemicals and safety mask required when doing this). Our university course doesn't start up for a few weeks so we will be in the house together for a period of time, and during this time I will be trying to spot certain behaviours and prevent them from developing.

I have also already made plans that do not involve her (she was invited but she doesn't want to do it), and I will be continuing to make plans. I really do not want to limit my world, and I am going to make it abundantly clear.
 

I have talked to her in regards to her nap specifics, as I just generally do not like to nap unless I am absolutely shattered. She is okay to nap when I am in the house (not in the room), or someone else is. She just is not happy with the idea of sleeping in the house alone. Which is manageable as there is three other people outside of her, but I have told her there will be instances where the three of us will not be home and she needs to be okay with that at some point.

I am aware of my own personal limits about her dependency, and I will admit I do find myself to get frustrated with her behaviour from time to time, but never once have I took it out on her, I never start a conversation with her about it unless I have a cool head on my shoulders. When I make certain suggestions in how she can manage independently, she will more often than not make a 'joking' comment saying that she doesn't need to because she has me. I know she is half joking, she knows she has to manage without me, but would just much rather not learn to have to. 

It's fine to ask! It makes sense from your perspective. More than prepared to do exactly that, we are not in any sort of a situation to be having a kid, not taking risks.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, TooMuchInformation said:

She had the implant put in at the start of her last relationship, she isn't going to be perusing any other contraceptive as her experience with them before were not good (could be poor timing with her other medication at the time). We won't have any pregnancy scares though regardless, so if she want's to go forward with birth control for her periods, that is up to her probably at a later date.

Couples who do the rhythm method are called parents.  If you are not ready to be a daddy and she is not willing to use contraception I wouldn't risk it in your particular situaiton with just a condom.  

If she wants help in a serious way she will go back to the Uni med center and ask what other alternatives there are in the community. IMO as a regular person with what you wrote 8 months in her situation is far too long to wait for professional help.

[TooMuchInformation]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Couples who do the rhythm method are called parents.  If you are not ready to be a daddy and she is not willing to use contraception I wouldn't risk it in your particular situaiton with just a condom. 

Condom or not, I am infertile due to my own condition. But I appreciate the concern.

She is looking toward alternative help alongside the uni therapy, what I said before was more of a "You should get on the list and still look for other options in the meantime" as opposed to simply just waiting 8 months to do anything.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, TooMuchInformation said:

Condom or not, I am infertile due to my own condition. But I appreciate the concern.

She is looking toward alternative help alongside the uni therapy, what I said before was more of a "You should get on the list and still look for other options in the meantime" as opposed to simply just waiting 8 months to do anything.

You can say that. You’re not her parent though. I won’t ask more about pregnancy. Certainly if you’re confident you cannot conceive a baby you don’t need birth control. 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, TooMuchInformation said:

She comes from a family with a difficult financial situation so whilst they may be able to pitch in some money, it would be a short term loan rather than anything.

Bolded - they "may" be able to pitch in short term?  @TooMuchInformation are they or even you or HER aware of the seriousness of this?

As someone with diagnosed GAD and Bipolar II (mood swings, no psychosis), trust me it's VERY serious and before my diagnosis and subsequent treatment, my Anxiety etc had escalated to such a severe level, I didn't sleep for 5 days along with other symptoms and literally almost DIED..

What I'm wondering is what in the world did she do before you came into her life? 

How did she manage and get on in the world?  Have you asked her this?  

You said in your initial post that you knew she had been diagnosed with "anxiety and depression" before you met her.

I assume SHE told you this, and if true, what happened to the doctors who diagnosed her?  I would assume they placed her on some type of medication, combined with therapy, what happened with that?  

7 hours ago, TooMuchInformation said:

When I make certain suggestions in how she can manage independently, she will more often than not make a 'joking' comment saying that she doesn't need to because she has me. I know she is half joking, she knows she has to manage without me, but would just much rather not learn to have to. 

^^I highlighted and bolded to reflect how utterly shocked I am by her response.  Shocked!

First of all, this more than she needs to become 'independent.'   She has a mental illness!!  That she is already aware of since she's been previously diagnosed.

Her "half joking" response lacks such a complete lack of responsibility that it causes me to question her credibility about any of this. 

I'm sorry I know that sounds insensitive but something just doesn't seem right about this now. 

It also seems like you are flattered by her 'neediness' at least on some level and enjoy this role of "parent/teacher" and may have actually contributed to where she's at now - being so dependent on you.

Something to consider.

I also wonder how you discovered it's eight (8) months before the uni doctors can treat her? 

This doesn't seem quite right as universities take mental illness very seriously especially since she has already been previously diagnosed. 

And if something were to happen to her while on campus in relation to her illness, the university is liable. 

I don't know of any university who would risk that. 

 

 

 

[TooMuchInformation]

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What I'm wondering is what in the world did she do before you came into her life? 

How did she manage and  get on in the world?  Have you asked her this?  

You said in your initial post that you knew she had been diagnosed with "anxiety and depression" before you met her.

I assume SHE told you this, and if true, what happened to the doctors who diagnosed her?  I would assume they placed her on some type of medication, combined with therapy, what happened with that?  

Her separation anxiety was with her mum before me, she actually was a lot more independent during the time she was in college (due to the required bus travelling each day and the likes). The time period between towards the end of college and uni starting is where she really started to decline.

Yes she was prescribed Sertraline and did attend therapy for some time. She did not find the medication to work, and when she expressed this to her Dr she simply upped the amount she was to take, and she got worse as a result (from what she has said, as well as her friends and family). During that period she stopped attending her therapy as her therapist retired and she did not like the replacement, and with her lack of willing to live at the time she simply didn't try after that point.

And she stopped taking her medication jusr before uni and she finds herself to be better, whilst I disagree that she didn't inform her Dr about this (I didn't know her at the time), that was up to her and she will not go on THAT specific medication again. Had a discussion with her today and she said she might be willing to try other medication in time but wants to focus on the therapy side at this moment in time, which makes sense as medication comes second.

51 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It also seems like you are flattered by her 'neediness' at least on some level and enjoy this role of "parent/teacher" and may have actually contributed to where she's at now - being so dependent on you.

Think it comes off like this as I believe my love language is acts of services, so I really don't/didn't mind doing things for her months ago. But realise now how it comes off and I have been catering her towards being dependent on me, this is something I will work on.

 

55 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I also wonder how you discovered it's eight (8) months before the uni doctors can treat her? 

A friend of ours in the uni was referred back in September last year and was only seen 2 months ago, and that was because they sped up her referral as she had a family member die quite literally in her arms (they said to her that they sped up her referral).

And this friend of ours was also diagnosed depression prior to uni, so I am assuming she will be in the same level of "importance" to the uni.

There are a lot of things to take into consideration at this moment in time, she has just had her implant taken out, so I am focusing on comforting her with this (very triggering for her due to previous SH but has been clean for over a year).

Don't worry I am not forgetting the importance of everything previously discussed, I just want to focus on that for the next couple days.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, TooMuchInformation said:

Think it comes off like this as I believe my love language is acts of services, so I really don't/didn't mind doing things for her months ago. But realise now how it comes off and I have been catering her towards being dependent on me, this is something I will work on.

What is your "love language" towards- you?

[rainbowsandroses]

34 minutes ago, TooMuchInformation said:

Her separation anxiety was with her mum before me, she actually was a lot more independent during the time she was in college (due to the required bus travelling each day and the likes). The time period between towards the end of college and uni starting is where she really started to decline.

Yes she was prescribed Sertraline and did attend therapy for some time. She did not find the medication to work, and when she expressed this to her Dr she simply upped the amount she was to take, and she got worse as a result (from what she has said, as well as her friends and family). During that period she stopped attending her therapy as her therapist retired and she did not like the replacement, and with her lack of willing to live at the time she simply didn't try after that point.

And she stopped taking her medication jusr before uni and she finds herself to be better, whilst I disagree that she didn't inform her Dr about this (I didn't know her at the time), that was up to her and she will not go on THAT specific medication again. Had a discussion with her today and she said she might be willing to try other medication in time but wants to focus on the therapy side at this moment in time, which makes sense as medication comes second.

Think it comes off like this as I believe my love language is acts of services, so I really don't/didn't mind doing things for her months ago. But realise now how it comes off and I have been catering her towards being dependent on me, this is something I will work on.

 

A friend of ours in the uni was referred back in September last year and was only seen 2 months ago, and that was because they sped up her referral as she had a family member die quite literally in her arms (they said to her that they sped up her referral).

And this friend of ours was also diagnosed depression prior to uni, so I am assuming she will be in the same level of "importance" to the uni.

There are a lot of things to take into consideration at this moment in time, she has just had her implant taken out, so I am focusing on comforting her with this (very triggering for her due to previous SH but has been clean for over a year).

Don't worry I am not forgetting the importance of everything previously discussed, I just want to focus on that for the next couple days.

OK thank you for responding as I realize my post came off kinda harsh and that's probably because I've been diagnosed with same and have never and would never behave like she is, with a boyfriend, with anyone. 

So there's a bit of projection happening on my part. 

If anything I did the opposite of what your girl is doing - I made great effort to NOT become a burden to my boyfriend, to not appear or be so needy and dependent, which actually used to frustrate them as they wanted me to "let them in" so they could help and support me.

There's something in between those two extremes - a balance of independence and dependence that I've learned is healthy for both people. 

Strive to find that balance and I think you'll be okay. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@TooMuchInformationI also wanted to add that I totally understand her being frustrated with her doctors who diagnosed her and who prescribed ineffective meds, I have experienced the exact same!

It actually took many years before I found effective doctors who prescribed the proper medication to help me.

NOW I am not on any meds at all and manage symptoms all on my own by making sure I eat healthy, stay active and surround myself with positive people.  Among other things. 

Also with regard to "separation anxiety" that is one symptom of a General Anxiety Disorder and Depressive Disorder which you said she was previously diagnosed with 

That means her anxiety is not just limited to being separated from you, her anxiety will negatively impact every area of her life. 

IF she's not anxious about anything else and only when she's separated from you, that would be something I'd be careful about and pay close attention to.

There could possibly be something else at play here other than anxiety. 

Be open, be prudent and be careful that's all. 

Good luck. 

 

 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, TooMuchInformation said:

Don't worry I am not forgetting the importance of everything previously discussed, I just want to focus on that for the next couple days.

One day at a time. Multiple things going on, so don't try to tackle everything at once. Get through the immediate crisis first, while tentatively focusing on the rest.

i can also sympathize with her being cautious on medication. If she has had negative experiences before, it's natural to question a doctor's judgement now. Same with therapy. It takes the right match that can get her to trust and open up.

Try to find the balance others have been saying and you will be okay. She has to address this herself and is working on it. Just try to stay steady and be that bumper that keep both of you moving forward on the right path, not letting things go off course. 

[TooMuchInformation]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Also with regard to "separation anxiety" that is one symptom of a General Anxiety Disorder and Depressive Disorder which you said she was previously diagnosed with 

That means her anxiety is not just limited to being separated from you, her anxiety will negatively impact every area of her life. 

IF she's not anxious about anything else and only when she's separated from you, that would be something I'd be careful about and pay close attention to.

There could possibly be something else at play here other than anxiety. 

Be open, be prudent and be careful that's all. 

Good luck. 

Glad to hear you have reached a much healthier place for yourself!

Yes don't worry I am aware of behaviours to look out for, she is an overall anxious individual, this isn't me being singled out, lots of social and new things causes very high stress for her.

Thank you for your wishes,

All the best :]

[TooMuchInformation]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

One day at a time. Multiple things going on, so don't try to tackle everything at once. Get through the immediate crisis first, while tentatively focusing on the rest.

Exactly the plan at the moment, can't win the war without the battles!

 

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

i can also sympathize with her being cautious on medication. If she has had negative experiences before, it's natural to question a doctor's judgement now. Same with therapy. It takes the right match that can get her to trust and open up.

Try to find the balance others have been saying and you will be okay. She has to address this herself and is working on it. Just try to stay steady and be that bumper that keep both of you moving forward on the right path, not letting things go off course. 

That I will try and be, thank you for your kind words.

[MissCanuck]

This young lady isn't able to cope with life at this stage. 

Unless and until she gets real, professional help, the relationship won't last. 

[Tinydance]

28 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This young lady isn't able to cope with life at this stage. 

Unless and until she gets real, professional help, the relationship won't last. 

Yeah I'm sorry to say this but I actually thought the same thing. I know you guys are young. But even when I was your age and around people your age, I really don't remember meeting anyone whose separation anxiety and fear of abandonment was this level of bad. As I was reading the post it reminded me of a puppy or small child - not a 19-year-old basically adult. 

The thing is that when someone has mental illness, it actually is their responsibility to get all the help and to try really hard to manage it. I know it's very hard and especially if you get put on the wrong medication. But it's HER responsibility. It is absolutely not your responsibility to alter your life so that she will feel more comfortable. Like, to spend all your time with her, not see your friends or family and so on. I don't think you see it but this kind of relationship is extremely co-dependent. You are not her parent. You are the same age and supposed to be in a relationship.

I know you think it's cute now but what if you had a full-time job? How would you go to work every day without having her cry and beg you not to go? Relationships where one partner completely sacrifices everything for the other isn't healthy. Her behaviours really aren't normal. She doesn't actually seem to be taking any responsibility but she really needs to!

[MissCanuck]

What do your friends and family make of this relationship, OP?

Do they know the extent of the problems here? 

[yogacat]

On 8/20/2024 at 2:17 AM, TooMuchInformation said:

On 8/19/2024 at 7:05 PM, yogacat said:

Eight months? That's crazy long. Can her parents help her pay for private therapy? The issue with her wanting to wait until her address changes should be relatively easy to get around. Patient records department can always update the correct address after. Is the issue not finding a therapist or the cost? Does she have health insurance? If it's the cost ask about sliding scale. That's a more affordable therapy. 

How do you plan to provide support in the living quarters and also have your private space/privacy?

Her not being able to take a nap when you're not next to her and you're living in the same space. How do you plan to nip that in the bud and also have space to be a couple and separately so that expectations do not become unreasonable?

I really hope the two of you can come up with a system together that allows some sort of balance as individuals and couple life. Has she been open to suggestions and brainstorming? How have you balanced what you can personally handle on the subject without it causing stress to you? How has she responded well to suggestions in most cases?

I'm also assuming that since she is no longer open to female contraceptives, that you will be prepared for condom usage. Sorry, don't mean to be so personal, but just in case it needed to be brought to the table. I mean, her getting pregnant would definitely cause an emotional/work/future stress so just being mindful of that and and her ability to cope with that kind of stress and looking for alternative contraceptives.

She comes from a family with a difficult financial situation so whilst they may be able to pitch in some money, it would be a short term loan rather than anything. We are moving in less than a week, so it really isn't too long at all to wait. I will definitely inquire about sliding scale!

I have already established with her that I will be doing a lot of work in my room for my course, and she has a deadline coming up very soon so she has to get on with that, and due to the specifics of it she will have to be in her room to do it (due to the chemicals and safety mask required when doing this). Our university course doesn't start up for a few weeks so we will be in the house together for a period of time, and during this time I will be trying to spot certain behaviours and prevent them from developing.

I have also already made plans that do not involve her (she was invited but she doesn't want to do it), and I will be continuing to make plans. I really do not want to limit my world, and I am going to make it abundantly clear.
 

I have talked to her in regards to her nap specifics, as I just generally do not like to nap unless I am absolutely shattered. She is okay to nap when I am in the house (not in the room), or someone else is. She just is not happy with the idea of sleeping in the house alone. Which is manageable as there is three other people outside of her, but I have told her there will be instances where the three of us will not be home and she needs to be okay with that at some point.

I am aware of my own personal limits about her dependency, and I will admit I do find myself to get frustrated with her behaviour from time to time, but never once have I took it out on her, I never start a conversation with her about it unless I have a cool head on my shoulders. When I make certain suggestions in how she can manage independently, she will more often than not make a 'joking' comment saying that she doesn't need to because she has me. I know she is half joking, she knows she has to manage without me, but would just much rather not learn to have to. 

It's fine to ask! It makes sense from your perspective. More than prepared to do exactly that, we are not in any sort of a situation to be having a kid, not taking risks.

Hey well you certainly sound like you are being thoughtful in this journey together!  

I'm hoping it's a team effort and she welcomes a team effort. Sounds like you're getting there slowly but surely.

Glad to hear you're not limiting your world. It's fine is she declines to go and you go alone. That's her choice.  Who knows maybe in the process of your journey she decides instead that she would like to join them afterall.  And maybe at some point she would prefer to do some of those things alone. Let her do things she used to do before you started dating by herself so she can see the pros and cons of alone time. 

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to ask my curiosity about this.🙂

[Andrina]

On 8/19/2024 at 8:00 PM, TooMuchInformation said:

We've got a house that we are renting with two others.

We have our separate rooms, but yes same living space

A huge mistake to share the same house with the fragile state of your union. Harder to break up when you have agreed to a lease. A bad predicament that might lead to you sticking it out longer than if you lived apart, if you can no longer stand the unhealthiness of this relationship.

I see that you are a caring person who is bound and determined to give her time to see if she does seek therapy and to see if it works. I wish the best for you both. I also hope that you can give yourself the same care you offer her. 

[TooMuchInformation]

17 hours ago, Andrina said:

A huge mistake to share the same house with the fragile state of your union. Harder to break up when you have agreed to a lease. A bad predicament that might lead to you sticking it out longer than if you lived apart, if you can no longer stand the unhealthiness of this relationship.

Yes I realise that this might not be the move, but this was all paid for and arranged in September/October last year, so this was actually before we had officially gotten into a relationship. So, all of these issues that have risen.

Thank you for your wishes, I'm trying my best.

[TooMuchInformation]

18 hours ago, yogacat said:

Glad to hear you're not limiting your world. It's fine is she declines to go and you go alone. That's her choice.  Who knows maybe in the process of your journey she decides instead that she would like to join them afterall.  And maybe at some point she would prefer to do some of those things alone. Let her do things she used to do before you started dating by herself so she can see the pros and cons of alone time. 

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to ask my curiosity about this.🙂

Thank you for taking the time to expand my thinking.

[TooMuchInformation]

On 8/21/2024 at 1:20 PM, MissCanuck said:

What do your friends and family make of this relationship, OP?

Do they know the extent of the problems here? 

They are aware of the situation and they have the same mindset that she needs professional help, my family as well as hers  and our friends do ask and check up on her. Sadly due to trust issues with her family (no one being able to keep something confidential, and it becoming gossip of sorts), she limits what she says, minus her mother, she is often open to her.