Girlfriend bundled with Separation Anxiety

[TooMuchInformation]

I really don't know how to express what I need so I apologise If this comes off jumbled and random in advance.

My girlfriend(19) and I(20) met in our first year of university (last year), and we have been dating almost a year now. And our relationship is great, I truly love her and all her quirks and I want to see her grow as a person and keep her safe and I will do a lot to do that.

The thing I'm hoping to get advice about is her Anxiety, especially her Separation Anxiety from me. I knew prior to us dating that she was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression, so I was aware that I would have to be careful around some subjects and way of doing things.

My girlfriend is riddled with anxiety deep in her soul and it hinders her life so much; she cannot go on public transportation of any sort and even struggles with car rides, she struggles going shopping, she finds herself getting overwhelmed very quickly and she overthinks (from social dilemmas to health). This results in her not going outside when shes by herself, or us even going out to places together or with friends, she will rush us through shopping because she wants to get out quickly. 

If a friend invites me or suggests doing something with me that she wouldn't enjoy (i.e. cinema or watching a genre that she doesn't like) or if I tell her I've made plans on a day which means I wouldn't see her for a while or be able to message, if over text she will give short responses and her mood clearly changes. If its in person she will again change her mood and she will go quiet, and once it's getting close to me leaving (the day before me doing a day out for example) she will jokingly say 'Don't go' and things along those lines. But since she has expressed to me how anxious she gets when I travel and she is alone, I really feel like she isn't joking. And I often feel like the bad guy because, I have to go out, and when I tell her so, she will be upset.

The times in which we are apart for a few days, she will usually cry the day before or even a few days before we separate and it will hang over her. She isn't able to enjoy things the days before we part because it is all she can think about, and she really struggles being apart from me. 
Whilst I find it endearing that she truly loves to be with me, I can recognize that this is unhealthy and it restricts her from being able to be independent. She is often bed-ridden when we are apart. And it stops me from doing things with my friends, because I don't want to upset her. Of course I miss her when we are apart, but when its for a couple days I can look forward to the next time I see her, whereas she struggles so much.

There are smaller things as well like; when she would want to go for a nap, she would assume that I would go with her, even though I don't really like to nap, meaning I would have to leave our friend(s) or whatever I was doing to go to her room and lay down until she woke back up. But then the times in which we would be together in bed and I would want to nap, she would 'playfully' complain and poke me to stop me sleeping. But she's not joking, she just doesn't like to be the only one awake.

I have suggested she gets back into therapy on multiple occasions, but she will not take my advice. I know we don't have a lot of money as we are uni students, but I would happily pitch in for her. I love her so much and I just don't know how to navigate her anxieties all the time. She is so aware of her own anxieties and gets incredibly frustrated that it is the way it is, she is exhausted by it often.

I just want to be able to help her get to a point where she can be able to do these things independently, I want her to be able to sleep the night before she gets on a train. I want that pit in her stomach when we're apart to ease up for her. I want to be able to say I made plans without her thinking 'but what will I do'.

 

[In case it matters - I do know where her Anxiety and Depression stem from, her emotions come from past traumas and experiences]

I know I need to talk to her about it, she has a lot on her plate at the moment and it will ease up in a couple weeks, I was just hoping to get some advice in how exactly to go about it. Thank you for reading.

 

[ShySoul]

First, recognize that no one on here is a professional. We can only give our opinions and nothing that is said should be taken as truth or a full proof plan. It's all just ideas. 

Second, you also aren't a professional and can't fix this. Her issues go deeper then anything you can do. It is sweet and honerable of you to care much about her. Your love and support is a great help and a reassurance for her. You aren't wrong to want to help and for doing all those things for her. And she isn't wrong for having these issues. It's a sad and unfortunate condition.

The best thing to do is just be supportive and undestanding. Don't judge her or be critical. Approach it with the love and compassion you clearly have for her. She already knows it is an issue. She's having all the same concerns you are, only worse and that is what is holding her back. So just express your love and concern. Reassure her you are there for her and not going anyway. Let her know you want to see her thriving and happy, not constantly afraid. Tell her you want to help her overcome this and you can't bear to see her like this anymore. Politely suggest you need help to work through it, together.

Do your own reseach and see what people who have gone through it say. See if there is a support group. Be patient and understanding.

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/self-harm/how-to-help-a-friend-with-separation-anxiety/

https://davidballcounseling.com/blog/not-say-someone-anxiety/

[Capricorn3]

I'll probably get flamed for this, but ...

OP, when reading your post, it is clear this is not something you are going to be able to solve or fix in any way.  All I see is that she is literally suffocating your life. How long are you prepared to live like this? Because it really is (and will be) life changing for you - you'll be restricted and held back in almost everything you want to do because of fear of how she will react etc etc.  You're still really young, but give this a lot of thought how you want your future to look and what path you want to go down.

Clearly she needs intensive therapy - that is the only way she'll learn to cope with her anxieties etc.  She needs professional help (imo).

[catfeeder]

On 8/17/2024 at 7:53 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I'll probably get flamed for this, but ...

OP, when reading your post, it is clear this is not something you are going to be able to solve or fix in any way.  All I see is that she is literally suffocating your life. How long are you prepared to live like this? Because it really is (and will be) life changing for you - you'll be restricted and held back in almost everything you want to do because of fear of how she will react etc etc.  You're still really young, but give this a lot of thought how you want your future to look and what path you want to go down.

Clearly she needs intensive therapy - that is the only way she'll learn to cope with her anxieties etc.  She needs professional help (imo).

I second this. I've had to walk away from someone I loved, even though he didn't manipulate me to make my world very small in spite of his problems. But my world just started getting smaller anyway, and I had to decide whether to allow someone else to take me down with him.

You can't fix this for her, she needs to do it on her own, and you may not want to hear this, but you are enabling her problem. That's not helpful to her. Consider telling her that she's welcome to contact you if she ever reaches a point where she feels willing and able to pursue a healthy social life, and if you're available at that time, maybe you can meet to catch up. But in the meantime, you wish the best for her and hope she will pursue intensive treatment to help herself.

[smackie9]

She needs a kick in the pants...you need to get serious with her about her getting help. She's a grown a$$ adult, she needs to seek out professional help. She can start with counselling that is usually provided by the university she is attending...and it's for free. Secondly, what about her family? Why is she not getting support from them? IMO if her condition is that bad, maybe she needs to take a break from uni and use that money for treatment. Her education will be of no use to her if she doesn't address this.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/17/2024 at 1:35 PM, TooMuchInformation said:

I have suggested she gets back into therapy on multiple occasions, but she will not take my advice.

Well, while I do have compassion and empathy for those who struggle with mental disorders (I myself have been diagnosed with GAD [general anxiety disorder] and Bipolar 2), I view what's quoted above as quite selfish and extremely irresponsible of her.  And in a way disrespectful to you, as well.

What she's saying by refusing therapy is she'd rather burden you and restrict your life (nearly beyond belief) rather than get help for herself so she can live a happy and productive life.

That is not caring nor is it love imo, it's unhealthy dependence which is an entirely different thing. 

Please think about that. 

Yes, again it's quite selfish indeed and while I know you think you're helping her, you're not, you're enabling her to remain in this unhealthy state and so dependent on you which will eventually destroy both of you in some form or fashion. 

Where are her parents?  How does she manage Uni, going to class, studying, homework etc when she's literally unable to get herself out of bed when she doesn't see you for one day? 

I am shocked you've been able to tolerate it for as long as you have! 

It's not flattering, it's insulting and disrespectful to you, the opposite of what you're thinking. 

I realize my response is quite harsh, but as I said, I've been diagnosed with GAD myself and have worked damn hard, on my own and with the help of therapists, to manage my disorder and become independent so as to NOT burden others. 

I think it's time you start thinking of yourself and your own life and happiness and tell her the only way your relationship has a chance of surviving is for her to begin therapy, intense therapy, ASAP.

She may also need medication at least at first for her anxiety and also what sounds to me like depression.

Mental disorders such that you describe are VERY serious and should be taken seriously.

She need professional help, I'm sorry. 

[Coily]

There's a line between enabling her and compassion, sadly this has drifted into the enabling side of things.

She needs some significant professional help. I find it off putting that she is using you as a surrogate for the therapy she so desperately needs; while also reducing your ability to live life. With how crippled by her condition she has allowed herself to become, I'm in the chorus of people who are amazed she can even function at Uni.

The question is can you live in such a small world? A world where in 5 years you feel guilty for say work travel? Or even wanting to take a vacation is nearly impossible?

 

 

[catfeeder]

26 minutes ago, Coily said:

...she is using you as a surrogate for the therapy she so desperately needs; while also reducing your ability to live life.

Exactly. OP, you may view this clamp down on your life as a sacrifice you're willing to make in order to 'help' GF, but you are not helping, you're doing the opposite of helping, and the more you do this, the more of a bottomless pit of neediness GF will become.

Without treatment, GF's mental health will never get better, it will only get worse. 

[yogacat]

It sounds like your girlfriend has panic disorder and attaches to you for a sense of safety and security when she feels anxious. She may also have agoraphobia, which is the fear of being in places or situations where escape may be difficult.

I struggle with these things too. But I don't burden others with it. If I am feeling overwhelmed, I will go out for a walk by myself or just go sit somewhere alone to calm down, then join in family things afterwards. Sometimes having alone time helps. But the thing is, does she accept these feelings? Is she able to recognize what anxiety is and then actively try to find peace within? Is she meditating? Working out? Journaling? Anything active she can do when anxiety arises? Try my suggestions with her. If she is willing to accept her anxiety and work it, even one of those activities can create a sense of control (especially journaling).

She has a deep fear of being alone or not being able to get to you if she needs you, and that fear triggers her anxiety. It's hard for someone who doesn't have anxiety to understand, but it's a very real and intense experience for those who do.

The best thing you can do for her is to support her in getting professional help.

Therapy and possibly medication can greatly improve her symptoms and help her manage her anxiety better. I know you've suggested it before, but it would be helpful to have a more serious conversation about it. Let her know that you love her and care about her well-being, and that you want her to be able to enjoy life and do things independently. You can offer to go to therapy with her or help her find a therapist that she feels comfortable with.

In the meantime, try to set boundaries with her. Let her know that you love spending time with her, but you also need time for yourself and with friends. Encourage her to do things on her own, even if it's just going for a short walk or running an errand alone. Gradually increasing her independence will help her feel more confident and less anxious about being alone. It's also important for you to take care of yourself and not feel guilty for doing things without her. Self-care is essential for both of you in this situation.

If she gives you flack for it for wanting to do things without her or for suggesting therapy again, remind her that her anxiety is not her fault, but it is her responsibility to take care of it.

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes, again it's quite selfish indeed and while I know you think you're helping her, you're not, you're enabling her to remain in this unhealthy state and so dependent on you which will eventually destroy both of you in some form or fashion. 

This ^^^^100%. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

...try to set boundaries with her. Let her know that you love spending time with her, but you also need time for yourself and with friends. Encourage her to do things on her own, even if it's just going for a short walk or running an errand alone. Gradually increasing her independence will help her feel more confident and less anxious about being alone. It's also important for you to take care of yourself and not feel guilty for doing things without her. Self-care is essential for both of you in this situation.

@yogacatI think this^ is excellent advice, as well as suggesting, actually insisting she seek professional help, including meds to balance out her brain chemistry.  But leave the meds part to her doctors.

Otherwise OP it really is doubtful your relationship will survive. 

Good luck, to her too! 

Both of you! 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

@ShySoulI read the links you posted and white I do agree with what they stated, I think in a situation like the OP's where her disorder(s) is negatively impacting and restricting his life to such a great degree, a bit of harder approach is warranted. 

It's not healthy for either of them for her to be so dependent on him for what it sounds like, her very survival!  

But he can balance it as yoga suggested which again I personally think was great advice. 

[AuthenticSelf]

On 8/18/2024 at 8:35 AM, TooMuchInformation said:

I know I need to talk to her about it

Good point, look like you know the next step.

How do you know if the conversation was successful a week or a month after talking to her about it?

[Andrina]

On 8/17/2024 at 4:35 PM, TooMuchInformation said:

I have suggested she gets back into therapy on multiple occasions, but she will not take my advice.

You're young, and I imagine this is your first serious relationship, so you'll be learning along the way that love cannot conquer all. It's important to have standards with a list in your mind of must-haves and dealbreakers.

I'm sure she possesses some good traits, but her selfishness and manipulation should not be ignored. She's trying to control you by doing what SHE wants by playing on your heartstrings with crying and punishing you with her moodiness when you, in her mind, had the gall to spend time with friends without her. 

She should never have even dated and subjected a partner to this abuse. With normal, daily stressors in life, relationships are hard enough even when two people are mentally healthy. It's her responsibility to enter therapy, which if he she was partaking in sessions already, then yes, I'd advise you to give it time to see if she was making improvements. If you and/or her parents can't talk her into therapy, then I advise you no longer subject yourself to further abuse. Do you have a good relationship with her parents to address your concerns with them? Perhaps they don't know the extent of her issues, if they've progressed.

I highlighted your quote because in my first marriage my husband suffered from depression but behaved in different ways than your gf. It didn't work for me to threaten leaving in divorce in a heated argument. He only became scared when it was a mellow moment and I told him I couldn't live like that anymore. He knew I was serious so sought treatment and went on anti-depressants and was a better person for several years. Unfortunately, he decided to stop all treatment and became worse and I eventually divorced him. I'm telling you this as this time you should tell her that you feel punished and like you're controlled and that you can't enjoy your friendships and time apart from her and that's not fair. And so if she doesn't get therapy and there is no improvement in her behavior, that you two will have to go your separate ways.

Sometimes people have to be called out on their bad behavior and be given ultimatums. It's not cruel. It's giving them a chance to retain the pleasure of your company by spelling out your reasonable rules. You are worthy of good treatment and it's in your best interest to walk away if someone's abusing you.

And being young, you might not have had the foresight to think about what will happen if you have children together. Will you be abused even more when she dumps too much of the child-raising responsibilities on you to take the kids to the doctor, to and from school, because she's too afraid to go out, and then bars them from hanging out with their own friends, isolating them like she isolates you? Don't bring any children into the world under those circumstances if you choose to stay without major progress from her. Good luck. You certainly need it because you've  taken on quite a bit stress with her when you've already gotten a lot on your plate with your uni studies.

[TooMuchInformation]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Where are her parents?  How does she manage Uni, going to class, studying, homework etc when she's literally unable to get herself out of bed when she doesn't see you for one day? 

I am shocked you've been able to tolerate it for as long as you have! 

Uni wise, it is because we live in the same accommodation, so uni is ongoing alongside us being together. It's primarily the times in which we both go to our own homes that she experiences this (or me going home and her staying). She does struggle with uni work due to motivation and as previously mentioned mental health problems.

Her parent tries but often makes comments which will worsen a situation.

As to 'tolerating', this is something that has simply worsened drastically in the last few months, if you had told me about this 6 months ago I would have laughed and not believed you. She has a lot of stressful changes happening in a short span and it has built up on her a lot, so I am not surprised she is at her worst now. This time next month, the stressful events are passed.

[TooMuchInformation]

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

Therapy and possibly medication can greatly improve her symptoms and help her manage her anxiety better. I know you've suggested it before, but it would be helpful to have a more serious conversation about it. Let her know that you love her and care about her well-being, and that you want her to be able to enjoy life and do things independently. You can offer to go to therapy with her or help her find a therapist that she feels comfortable with.

In the meantime, try to set boundaries with her. Let her know that you love spending time with her, but you also need time for yourself and with friends. Encourage her to do things on her own, even if it's just going for a short walk or running an errand alone. Gradually increasing her independence will help her feel more confident and less anxious about being alone. It's also important for you to take care of yourself and not feel guilty for doing things without her. Self-care is essential for both of you in this situation.

If she gives you flack for it for wanting to do things without her or for suggesting therapy again, remind her that her anxiety is not her fault, but it is her responsibility to take care of it.

Thank you for your response, your last line particularly stuck with me and I will definitely be using it in conversation with her.

Therapy is definitely the route I will be leading her towards, we actually had a conversation last night and we discussed therapy and different options. She is planning (so far at least) to do a self-referral to a clinic that someone she knows has recommended once we move into our accommodation, which is very soon.

She is waiting to do this then as they need a mailing address and she would prefer it to be there but obviously doesn't want it being there before she is. Secondly she is having her contraceptive implant removed before we move in and she tells me that a lot of her mental health (brain fog, anxiety, depression and more she has discussed with me) has either started since it was implanted or worsened. So she is wanting to wait to see how this effects her, albeit I will still be pushing her towards referrals and considering options regardless as we both know this extends beyond her implant.

But thank you, really.

[TooMuchInformation]

3 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said:

How do you know if the conversation was successful a week or a month after talking to her about it?

Not necessarily a time frame, but more of her behavior and attitude towards everything and moving forward with the things we have discussed, I hope that she is researching into options just as I am researching into ways to help her.

But with everything going on in her life at this moment in time, I would say it would be good to see an improvement in her in a month, and even if not, I would hope she is referred somewhere or along those lines.

[ShySoul]

TooMuchInformation, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to be there for her. It's a delicate thing and you are handling it as well as can be expected. I can tell that while it might be frustrating, you sincerely want to see it through. And it's that kind of support that can make the biggest difference. You're a great guy. 

She also seems to understand there is a problem and wants to get better. But it's not so easy to just get help or change when you are the one with the issue. Her current situations are causing her more anxiety, hence the situation has worsened. Added stresses magnify issues for all of us. Taking care of that should hopefully bring things down to a more manageable level. 

Please keep in mind that even should she get therapy, it may get worse before it gets better. Seems like part of the process entails confronting the roots of the anxiety which is likely to trigger her responses more. Both of you should be prepared for that and know what you are walking into. Also make sure she feels safe with who ever she works and that they work at a pace she is okay with. If something doesn't feel right in the process, it's okay to step back and reexamine things, seeing if there might be a better plan. 

It's a long and challenging road to recovery. It's going to take time and patience. You'll both have times you feel like it's hopeless. And if you really can't handle it, protect yourself. But you both can do this. Just keep pushing forward. It's a journey, not a lightswitch. And making that journey together can make the end destination feel that much more incredible.

[AuthenticSelf]

24 minutes ago, TooMuchInformation said:

Not necessarily a time frame, but more of her behavior and attitude towards everything and moving forward with the things we have discussed

Do you have a script on what to talk about with her? 

 

I know a lot of us telling their partner something like "We need to talk". 

Then, it goes all the way toward nothing. 

 

From experience, having something to make sure everything sticks is pretty good. 

Feel free to put the script here so we can help you if needed. 

[TooMuchInformation]

44 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Do you have a script on what to talk about with her? 

I don't have a script so to say and most likely won't write a "what I want to discuss" but I do know the rough idea what I need to express, won't be in one conversation, will be split up.

If I do decide to write something, I will likely post it here.

[TooMuchInformation]

56 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Please keep in mind that even should she get therapy, it may get worse before it gets better. Seems like part of the process entails confronting the roots of the anxiety which is likely to trigger her responses more. Both of you should be prepared for that and know what you are walking into. Also make sure she feels safe with who ever she works and that they work at a pace she is okay with. If something doesn't feel right in the process, it's okay to step back and reexamine things, seeing if there might be a better plan. 

It's a long and challenging road to recovery. It's going to take time and patience. You'll both have times you feel like it's hopeless. And if you really can't handle it, protect yourself. But you both can do this. Just keep pushing forward. It's a journey, not a lightswitch. And making that journey together can make the end destination feel that much more incredible.

Thank you, I do appreciate it. I know it won't be overnight and I do remind her of this as well, but it is something I am willing to do with her, as long as she is willing to do the same.

[Batya33]

Are you all set with alternative birth control?

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, TooMuchInformation said:

Thank you for your response, your last line particularly stuck with me and I will definitely be using it in conversation with her.

Therapy is definitely the route I will be leading her towards, we actually had a conversation last night and we discussed therapy and different options. She is planning (so far at least) to do a self-referral to a clinic that someone she knows has recommended once we move into our accommodation, which is very soon.

She is waiting to do this then as they need a mailing address and she would prefer it to be there but obviously doesn't want it being there before she is. Secondly she is having her contraceptive implant removed before we move in and she tells me that a lot of her mental health (brain fog, anxiety, depression and more she has discussed with me) has either started since it was implanted or worsened. So she is wanting to wait to see how this effects her, albeit I will still be pushing her towards referrals and considering options regardless as we both know this extends beyond her implant.

But thank you, really.

You're welcome!

While you can be supportive and offer her encouragement, you can cannot be her therapist or hold her hand the whole way through. She has to be willing to put in the work and take action.

I'm really glad to hear that she is open to therapy. Because honestly, if she chose to forgo it, then that would be a problem. It could mean:

1) She put greater importance on her own thoughts, feelings and irrational fears over you and your love for her, your growth as a couple.

2) She's not serious about her own progress, her own confidence. That she craves your attention to relieve her anxiety and allowing her feelings to take precedence over your needs exposing you to stress and tolls on your own psyche and future together where she serves herself at your expense.

But since she is open to it and looking for ways to address her anxiety, that's a really good sign. 

Can she get therapy through her uni?

When you say move into your accommodation, does that mean you're both moving into the uni dorms or into a more long-term type of living space?

Are you sharing a place with her?

Implants do mess with hormones. But it wouldn't be sudden to turn into a werewolf. 

Have you talked about what other contraceptive options she is going to explore? 

[TooMuchInformation]

50 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Can she get therapy through her uni?

When you say move into your accommodation, does that mean you're both moving into the uni dorms or into a more long-term type of living space?

Are you sharing a place with her?

Implants do mess with hormones. But it wouldn't be sudden to turn into a werewolf. 

Have you talked about what other contraceptive options she is going to explore? 

Sadly the waiting time for the uni therapy is exceeding 8 months waiting time, I have expressed to her that it would be worthwhile in the long run, but it is unfortunate that it is such a long wait. Hence exploring other options.

We've got a house that we are renting with two others.

We have our separate rooms, but yes same living space. I recognise that this will likely have an impact with her aforementioned separation anxiety as it means we will be living in closer quarters, but the housing situation was all arranged late last year. Definitely will be setting up boundaries and the likes from the get-go to ensure that her independence doesn't worsen.

She had the implant put in at the start of her last relationship, she isn't going to be perusing any other contraceptive as her experience with them before were not good (could be poor timing with her other medication at the time). We won't have any pregnancy scares though regardless, so if she want's to go forward with birth control for her periods, that is up to her probably at a later date.

 

I am glad she is open to a form of therapy again, I know she is hesitant toward the idea but she recognizes the importance. I'm just hoping we can get through this together.

[TooMuchInformation]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Are you all set with alternative birth control?

Won't be having any pregnancy scares, don't worry! Might be young but I'm not dumb