am i the only one putting effort into fixing the relationship?

[melly]

Just now, catfeeder said:

Sounds as though he's either tired of being tethered to the phone, or he's tired of the relationship altogether.

How is he when you see him?

Depends on where we are. When we are outside, things r usually fine but when we are at home, i usually just feel used now. The last few times we met up at home, i was hoping that maybe it‘s easier for him in person to connect to me but the energy is just off and i feel disrespected and used sexually. 

I told him the last time we spoke about this that i am not willing to do anything rn because it makes me feel disgusted by myself after because it almost feels like a hookup

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, melly said:

I told him the last time we spoke about this that i am not willing to do anything rn because it makes me feel disgusted by myself after because it almost feels like a hookup

Okay, and it's not likely that he responded well to this. I think he's done, honey. So the question becomes, when will you be willing to let go?

[ShySoul]

8 minutes ago, melly said:

Yes usually during the phone calls we would watch something or we would both just do our own thing and talk a little in between. Him playing his games and me just studying or something. 

Nothing was wrong with what you were doing. I'm introverted as well. I've spent long hours on a phone watching the same thing at the same time, playing each other songs, falling asleep together. If that's how you related and were happy together, then that was great for you.

4 minutes ago, melly said:

 i usually just feel used now. 

i feel disrespected and used sexually. 

 makes me feel disgusted by myself after because it almost feels like a hookup

If he is into the relationship or not doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel.

No one should be in a relationship if they feel used, disrespected and disgusted with themselves.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, melly said:

Yes usually during the phone calls we would watch something or we would both just do our own thing and talk a little in between. Him playing his games and me just studying or something. 

I have a hard time opening up so i haven‘t really spoken much about my relationship to my therapist yet, im slowly getting there. 

If you cannot open up with this therapist even to that extent perhaps look for a different therapist?

[melly]

27 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, and it's not likely that he responded well to this. I think he's done, honey. So the question becomes, when will you be willing to let go?

I mean he did say that he doesn‘t really understand why i feel that way and that he doesn‘t know what could have changed. 

Im having a hard time detaching from him because i wanted this to work but yes i don‘t know

[melly]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you cannot open up with this therapist even to that extent perhaps look for a different therapist?

I don‘t think it‘s the therapists fault, i just struggle a lot with being vulnerable. I like her a lot and finding a new one would take a while unfortunately:(

[melly]

35 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Nothing was wrong with what you were doing. I'm introverted as well. I've spent long hours on a phone watching the same thing at the same time, playing each other songs, falling asleep together. If that's how you related and were happy together, then that was great for you.

If he is into the relationship or not doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel.

No one should be in a relationship if they feel used, disrespected and disgusted with themselves.

Yes that‘s what we were doing for like 2 years and, you said earlier that routines change and i totally agree. There is nothing wrong with that, however i feel like i deserve to know? because my schedule is a little more flexible than his, so i always made sure to match my times to his times. It‘s still a habit so i will still make sure to be available at 11-2pm because that‘s what i have been doing for a year now. I will make sure that, even on his off days, that i do most of my work before 11 so that when he wakes up, i am not extremely busy. 

I never thought that was doing too much or overwhelming him because it never overwhelmed him before. 

 

[ShySoul]

18 minutes ago, melly said:

Yes that‘s what we were doing for like 2 years and, you said earlier that routines change and i totally agree. There is nothing wrong with that, however i feel like i deserve to know?

melly, think you skipped the real heart of my message. Schedules, timing, routines... it's window dressing. Here's what matters most:

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

1 hour ago, melly said:

 i usually just feel used now. 

i feel disrespected and used sexually. 

 makes me feel disgusted by myself after because it almost feels like a hookup

If he is into the relationship or not doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel.

No one should be in a relationship if they feel used, disrespected and disgusted with themselves.

If you aren't happy or respected, don't be with him. It's that simple. You don't need a therapist to say it. You don't need to look at what he does or why he does it. 

This relationship doesn't make you happy. It makes you feel the opposite. That's all you need to look at. Being with someone else is supposed to make us feel better about yourselves, uplift us and helps us to be our best selves. If you feel this way, he isn't right for you and you deserve better.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, melly said:

Depends on where we are. When we are outside, things r usually fine but when we are at home, i usually just feel used now. The last few times we met up at home, i was hoping that maybe it‘s easier for him in person to connect to me but the energy is just off and i feel disrespected and used sexually. 

I told him the last time we spoke about this that i am not willing to do anything rn because it makes me feel disgusted by myself after because it almost feels like a hookup

You know this is poor treatment from him. 

You know he disrespects and uses you.

Honey, you don't need more validation. You got this.

Trust your judgement and learn to have the difficult talk: the break up. Since you are far way and he has treated you so poorly, just shoot him a message or while on a call say "hey, this isn't working out for me anymore. It's not how I envisioned us to grow together. I'm breaking up with you. It's over." And then hang up shortly afterwards. Don't let him guilt trip you or manipulate you. If he yells, you hang up and don't put up with it.

And then you block him and go no contact for a few months while you heal as a single gal in an exciting world!

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I don't think yelling and being ignored is healthy for any relationship, rather you are male or female.

^^Agree, I didn't see that part at first (my bad) and modified my post, deleting the entire quote and my first sentence. 

And one doesn't need a "degree" to be knowledgeable, in fact those with professional degrees can be the biggest quacks out there, including many therapists! 

Many lack genuine insight and a general understanding of human nature that you cannot get from any book. 

Imo and experience.

I've learned a lot from John Gray.  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

@melly  I only meant that he may possibly need more space than you and that a balance of togetherness and distance can often benefit a relationship.

I also encourage you to watch Esther Perel videos, I've learned A LOT from her too.  

All that said, sometimes relationships simply run their course.  You may have outgrown each other.

The "energy" isn't there for him anymore, and if you're unhappy perhaps it's time to walk away. 

At 21 years of age, there is an entire world out there to discover and enjoy!

Let go of dead weight and embrace that!  💛

 

[Capricorn3]

7 hours ago, melly said:

 He will do something, he knows upsets me and then he will act completely oblivious to get me to say what exactly hurt my feelings when i have repeated myself so many times by now. 

He will yell or ignore me for a few days and then he asks me what‘s wrong, as if we didn‘t have the same thing happening like 2 weeks ago. 

I did tell him a few weeks ago already that i feel very disconnected due to how drastically he changed.

^ Read that many many many times.  Really fully absorb it.  To me, it's very obviously emotional abuse. It's also called gaslighting. I'm so sorry you're going through this.  No-one deserves this.

OP, time to re-think this relationship which is fast heading towards being toxic for you.  When a partner resorts to yelling at you and then ignoring etc, that's your cue to pack his bags and show him the door.  You are still young. Please don't waste the best years of your life on someone who is showing you who they really are (which is not very nice at all).  You can do a lot better.  I wish you well.

[yogacat]

When you feel like a stranger in your relationship, things aren't good.

You're in a young adult relationship with someone who prefers to not want to communicate with you right now beyond the basics. He's 21, he wants light and breezy. Give him what he wants.

Start drawing back. Reply slowly, sometimes with short answers. Don't squeeze in an hour talk before he goes to work. Live your life and stop trying to "connect." 

Let HIM do him and you decide what amount of communication suits YOU.

See where that gets you. Maybe you'll find some freedom in living life in the present.

If this makes him grow distant quickly and things collapse, you have your answer.

But please, stop trying to fix it. This guy is not the guy for you. He is NOT a source of happiness for you.

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

also encourage you to watch Esther Perel videos, I've learned A LOT from her too.  

I didn't know till this years old lol that she made videos. OP I listen to her podcast regularly and I point this out because sometimes it's more convenient to listen than to watch. Really really interesting her take, her perspective and her guests/patients.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

When you feel like a stranger in your relationship, things aren't good.

You're in a young adult relationship with someone who prefers to not want to communicate with you right now beyond the basics. He's 21, he wants light and breezy. Give him what he wants.

Start drawing back. Reply slowly, sometimes with short answers. Don't squeeze in an hour talk before he goes to work. Live your life and stop trying to "connect." 

Let HIM do him and you decide what amount of communication suits YOU.

See where that gets you. Maybe you'll find some freedom in living life in the present.

If this makes him grow distant quickly and things collapse, you have your answer.

But please, stop trying to fix it. This guy is not the guy for you. He is NOT a source of happiness for you.

I agree although I wouldn't define it as young adult as if that gives him a pass or redfines this from serious to casual.  My friend's daughter and son in law married at 17/19 and had their first of three kids when she was 19.  Son in law started and runs a business and has been working in that sort of business since he was in middle school.  My parents married at 21/23 and moved away for the first year or so so my dad could start a business.  My best friend from high school married at 21 to her 23 year old fiancee and they've been married 35 years.  All of them started dating as teenagers.  Many more examples like that. 

I was engaged briefly at 23 and we'd started dating when I was 20. She said they've discussed getting engaged and married after graduating.  That's not casual or easy breezy.

For sure it's more likely a 21 year old might prefer casual dating but he is an adult and they are supposedly serious and exclusive.  My son is 15 and would know it was mean to be as dismissive as he is being, etc.  

[melly]

20 hours ago, ShySoul said:

melly, think you skipped the real heart of my message. Schedules, timing, routines... it's window dressing. Here's what matters most:

If you aren't happy or respected, don't be with him. It's that simple. You don't need a therapist to say it. You don't need to look at what he does or why he does it. 

This relationship doesn't make you happy. It makes you feel the opposite. That's all you need to look at. Being with someone else is supposed to make us feel better about yourselves, uplift us and helps us to be our best selves. If you feel this way, he isn't right for you and you deserve better.

It‘s hard for me because i don‘t even think me feeling used is his fault because he doesn‘t necessarily do anything to disrespect me. I have a hard time letting go because i had my whole future planned with him but i agree with you. He makes me feel paranoid and over the top but i think my feelings matter and i don‘t want to feel like this anymore

[melly]

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

When you feel like a stranger in your relationship, things aren't good.

You're in a young adult relationship with someone who prefers to not want to communicate with you right now beyond the basics. He's 21, he wants light and breezy. Give him what he wants.

Start drawing back. Reply slowly, sometimes with short answers. Don't squeeze in an hour talk before he goes to work. Live your life and stop trying to "connect." 

Let HIM do him and you decide what amount of communication suits YOU.

See where that gets you. Maybe you'll find some freedom in living life in the present.

If this makes him grow distant quickly and things collapse, you have your answer.

But please, stop trying to fix it. This guy is not the guy for you. He is NOT a source of happiness for you.

I have a hard time pulling back because i do love loving him a lot. I wouldn‘t really know where else to put the energy i put in this relationship, also because i have a very avoidant attachment style (unfortunately) and I put in so much hard work to show more of what i show and it feels like if i pull back, all my work will go to right to the trash. I could be very wrong here because it‘s probably a lot more liberating to just give him the same treatment he gives me. 

[Coily]

I think there is too much remote connection between you two.  The long sleep on the call thing, the playing games and studying time, all of this is in a sense unhealthy. 

You two are turning your communication into a digital adventure,  not a physical(not in a sexual sense) one. In general people tend to have weird attention spans with the digital world.

The physical realm is where you both need to be shifting your focus, if you want a future with this guy. 

The yelling part, not cool; same with him walking off while out and about. The latter may be his feeling overwhelmed or suffocated. Which he needs to communicate with you about, rather than getting in a huff.

You two need to start having more meaningful interactions and less digital. Again, I think that's at the heart of your problems.

Side note, in the history of humanity never once has a man known what his woman is thinking.  Haha

 

[melly]

11 minutes ago, Coily said:

I think there is too much remote connection between you two.  The long sleep on the call thing, the playing games and studying time, all of this is in a sense unhealthy. 

You two are turning your communication into a digital adventure,  not a physical(not in a sexual sense) one. In general people tend to have weird attention spans with the digital world.

The physical realm is where you both need to be shifting your focus, if you want a future with this guy. 

The yelling part, not cool; same with him walking off while out and about. The latter may be his feeling overwhelmed or suffocated. Which he needs to communicate with you about, rather than getting in a huff.

You two need to start having more meaningful interactions and less digital. Again, I think that's at the heart of your problems.

Side note, in the history of humanity never once has a man known what his woman is thinking.  Haha

 

We were able to do both (on the phone and physically) for 2 years, i don‘t understand what could have suddenly changed especially because he is more distant in real life too. I act the same way when we meet. 

I don‘t think there is a way to meet more often and talk less because we already barely talk. On that 1 hour call, that isn‘t even 1 hour anymore, we sit in silence because i can‘t get a word out of him. My "what are you doing today“, gets a "nothing“ and then i have to search for something to ask him AGAIN because at this point we probably haven‘t spoken in days. It‘s really not a lot of talking and interacting over the phone. 

I know that many men don‘t know what women are thinking but men are not children. They‘re grown, they can think. My boyfriend is a very smart person. He knows what he is doing. He does not need me to tell him that yelling at me is upsetting me or that walking off in a city i am not familiar with, at night, without looking back even once, will upset me. He genuinely isn‘t dumb, he just wants me to say it but i don‘t know why. 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think he's done, honey. So the question becomes, when will you be willing to let go?

melly I'm sorry but at this point, I think this^^ as well.

You're struggling for answers when the only real answer is the relationship has run its course, 

It happens, especially when both people are so young, which you both are at 21 years of age, and began dating when you were teenagers!

HE isn't going to say it.  My take is he feels much too guilty and wants to avoid being seen as the "bad guy."

So he's doing what is known as a "slow fade" and wants YOU to end it, which imo is worse and way more hurtful.

So just end it melly.  Wish each other well and move on. 

Yes it's sad and very painful.

But you will get over it, and become a stronger person for having experienced it. 

I'm sorry. 😞

((Hugs))

 

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, melly said:

He genuinely isn‘t dumb, he just wants me to say it but i don‘t know why. 

He doesn't want you to say what upsets you, he wants you to say you're done.

You don't need to travel to him to do that.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, melly said:

I know that many men don‘t know what women are thinking but men are not children. They‘re grown, they can think. My boyfriend is a very smart person. He knows what he is doing. He does not need me to tell him that yelling at me is upsetting me or that walking off in a city i am not familiar with, at night, without looking back even once, will upset me. He genuinely isn‘t dumb, he just wants me to say it but i don‘t know why. 

So listen to your senses and break up with him. Do him the favour.

Honestly, the way he talks to you sounds like you are an annoyance to him. Idk how you put up with such behaviour. Your friends and colleagues don't talk to you like that, why tolerate such poor treatment from him?

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, melly said:

I put in so much hard work to show more of what i show and it feels like if i pull back, all my work will go to right to the trash. I could be very wrong here because it‘s probably a lot more liberating to just give him the same treatment he gives me. 

Well, that's what happens sometimes, unfortunately. We put work into a relationship but the other person doesn't reciprocate and it eventually fizzles out. That doesn't mean that your efforts were wasted, just that the other person was not the right fit for you.

You went in full blast with constant communication, partly because this is a long distance relationship and you wanted to show your commitment. Maybe it ended up being too much and what you now need to do is to balance it out somewhat.

Step back, and make your own life be full of goals and activities outside this relationship. This relationship sounds like it needs to be replaced with something else that you are good at and that gives you genuine satisfaction.

It sounds like he's doing the "fading out" thing.

This is where a lot of people "hide" or "retreat" and don't want to break up with you (yet) but wait for you to make the brave decision. And quite honestly, a lot of people do this because they have no other solutions.

When he wanted to end the relationship 2 or 3 months ago...that would have been smoother and kinder when issues had come up. Allowing it to go on longer is not a good thing. He's not emotionally invested any longer, at least not in you.

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, melly said:

It‘s hard for me because i don‘t even think me feeling used is his fault because he doesn‘t necessarily do anything to disrespect me. 

On 8/17/2024 at 9:36 AM, melly said:

He won‘t make time for me anymore.

could be raising his voice or just not speaking to me for 3-4 days straight 

he wants me to communicate and i do but then he does the same thing again.

He is on his phone constantly. He saw my message and he chose not to respond.

On 8/17/2024 at 10:30 AM, melly said:

He will do it again and we have to have the exact same conversation again with him acting like it‘s the first time we are talking about that topic. 

On 8/17/2024 at 10:09 AM, melly said:

He will yell or ignore me for a few days

All of that is him doing things to disrespect you. All of that is him demonstrating that he doesn't really care about you. Respect would be taking the time to communicate with you and not ignoring you for says. Respect would be calmly talking about problems, not yelling at you. And respect would be to learn from those problems and be extra careful to avoid them in the future.

It's hard when you've made these future plans and dreams. When I was a year older then you I met someone and we got so close we talked of how we would want the proposal to go, what the wedding would be like. I've talked with someone about potential baby names. It's a nice fantasy to engage in and you may have the best of intentions and really want and expect it to came true. But life can throw things at you. People can change. And you have to be ready to adjust with it.

He isn't showing you the love, care, and respect you deserve. Don't stay in something that is only going to hurt you more the longer you are there. You really deserve better.

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, melly said:

I know that many men don‘t know what women are thinking but men are not children. They‘re grown, they can think. My boyfriend is a very smart person. He knows what he is doing. He does not need me to tell him that yelling at me is upsetting me or that walking off in a city i am not familiar with, at night, without looking back even once, will upset me. He genuinely isn‘t dumb, he just wants me to say it but i don‘t know why. 

Just because a man (or woman) is grown, doesn't mean they can't act like children. That is what he is acting like. If he is smart and knows what yelling at you is doing, then it means he is hurting you on purpose. Why isn't important. You can try to rationalize it and make excuses. Won't change that he is doing it and doing it intentionally. You have tried to talk to him. You have given him his chance. He isn't willing to take it. So he is forfeiting his chance to be with you. 

And in this matter, he is being very dumb indeed.