am i the only one putting effort into fixing the relationship?

[melly]

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a little over 2 1/2 years and we are both pretty young, 21, so we have a lot to learn. I have a lot to learn and nobody to talk to, which is why i am turning to this forum.

A little backstory: met online when we were both 18, met up after 3 weeks of talking and decided to be together. We live 2 hours away from each other but i never considered it a long distance relationship because we still get to meet 1-2 a week usually.

The things we do might sound weird to people, especially older people but bear with me here please. 
We both have busy schedules, so we tend to just sleep on the call together. It‘s a thing that we have done almost every night since we started dating. 

We also, text quite a bit but usually it‘s just small talk throughout the day, that‘s also very very normal.

However, a 2-3 months ago he just randomly changed? He doesn‘t respond to my texts as quickly as he used to and i don‘t expect an answer every 10 minutes, just so that my "how are you“ isn‘t answered 4 hours later.

Another thing that we do, to stay connected, is to make time for the other, or so i thought?

He goes to work pretty late, so he will wake up at 11am and if he has work the next day (he works 3 days and then is free for the next 7 days and so on) he‘ll be gone at 2pm, to go to the gym and then to go to work.

For the past year i would ALWAYS make sure to be free for the hour we can talk a little before he leaves the house. Every single work day without fail because we don‘t get to talk much for the rest of the day. 

Now he just doesn‘t really want to anymore. He won‘t text me when he is up, he just tells me that he got ready and is leaving the house.

While this was weird to me, i just accepted it because he must be tired. Work is tiring, he probably wants peace and quiet before he leaves. 

But now he is doing it on his free days too.

He won‘t make time for me anymore. We maybe speak for 1 hour and that‘s just me trying to get him to talk to me and then giving up and then he will spend his day out the whole day, while i always make sure to make time for him because that‘s what we always did. 

I communicated this but i don‘t get much out of him other than that he is tired but for some reason only too tired to interact with me. 

When he does something to upset me, could be raising his voice or just not speaking to me for 3-4 days straight and i get a little quiet and just mind my own business to not lose my mind, he wants me to communicate and i do but then he does the same thing again.

I want this to work so bad. Today he did it again. I made sure to hurry home at 1pm so that we can talk before he leaves because we haven‘t spoken properly in 4 days. I told him that i am home and if he wants to talk a little bit and he responded at 2pm saying that he can‘t because he will be leaving now. 

He is on his phone constantly. He saw my message and he chose not to respond.

I am so tired of telling him about this, i just said that it‘s fine and went back outside to do what i couldn‘t do because i was trying to make time for him. 

Now he is blowing up my phone about "what‘s wrong“ and "what did i do wrong again“ because i didn‘t feel like texting him back because why would i waste my time texting him when i am getting my response in 5 hours or maybe even 10. 

I feel like i am the only one putting effort into the relationship and i feel like him asking me what‘s wrong whenever he very clearly and very obviously did something to upset me, is to get me to be normal again.

I‘ll give u a scenario:

he yells at me because he is stressed 

i get sad (obviously, I don‘t need to communicate that, everyone with a brain can tell) 

he doesn‘t apologize 

I don‘t talk to him much after because i am hurt

he then hours later asks me what‘s wrong to then get it out of me and THEN apologize. 

 

I am just heartbroken and i want to fight for this relationship but i feel like i am the only one doing it. 

Should i end it? 

 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, melly said:

am just heartbroken and i want to fight for this relationship but i feel like i am the only one doing it. 

He doesn't care about you anymore.

He won't end it himself cause he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He's too cowardly.

Why do you want to fight when he clearly doesn't give af about you girl anymore? He's shown you over and over that he's no longer into you.

If you have no self esteem and you crave bread crumbs of attention, I get it. Stay and keep humiliating yourself.

But if you want a chance at a fulfilling love in life, you gotta let this go. It's your first break up. Sounds daunting. But that's life. It takes two hands to clap, and he ain't doing it! You can't force him to love you. It should be genuine.

Put your big girl pants on and boot him out of your life. You got this 💪

[Cherylyn]

It sounds like he's burned out from working unconventional hours,  he becomes stressed because of it and it goes hot and cold with texting. 

When my husband and I dated,  we didn't have cell phones and even then we didn't over do it with regular phone chats.  Space keeps the relationship fresh.  Too much contact makes the relationship grow stale quicker.  Have aura and some mystique. 

He yells and doesn't apologize.  Hours later he'll eventually apologize.  He has a temper so beware.  I know his type well. 

I'd end it.  He's unstable and both of you are incompatible. 

[melly]

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He doesn't care about you anymore.

He won't end it himself cause he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He's too cowardly.

Why do you want to fight when he clearly doesn't give af about you girl anymore? He's shown you over and over that he's no longer into you.

If you have no self esteem and you crave bread crumbs of attention, I get it. Stay and keep humiliating yourself.

But if you want a chance at a fulfilling love in life, you gotta let this go. It's your first break up. Sounds daunting. But that's life. It takes two hands to clap, and he ain't doing it! You can't force him to love you. It should be genuine.

Put your big girl pants on and boot him out of your life. You got this 💪

I know and I am considering this of course. I don‘t really know what else it could be because i am afraid that if this ISN‘t the case and i stop trying, he will just fall apart but you‘re right. I can‘t keep this up all by myself

[ShySoul]

16 minutes ago, melly said:

he yells at me because he is stressed 

i get sad (obviously, I don‘t need to communicate that, everyone with a brain can tell) 

he doesn‘t apologize 

I don‘t talk to him much after because i am hurt

he then hours later asks me what‘s wrong to then get it out of me and THEN apologize. 

If you don't communicate you're sad, there are plenty of people who won't pick up on it. There are a lot of people who may have brains, but are very bad about using them. And if he is stressed and angry in the moment, it's usually not the right time to talk anyway. He is running on the anger and so caught up in his own self that he can't see what's around him.

But once he calms down he can sense something is wrong. So he asks and apologizes. That demonstrates he is willing to put in some effort.

22 minutes ago, melly said:

He won‘t make time for me anymore. We maybe speak for 1 hour and that‘s just me trying to get him to talk to me and then giving up and then he will spend his day out the whole day, while i always make sure to make time for him because that‘s what we always did. 

I communicated this but i don‘t get much out of him other than that he is tired

An hour a day is still an hour a day.

What exactly have you said to him? How have you said it? Have you unequivacally stated that you feel ignored and not valued in the relationship? Or was it just saying you want him to talk more? 

Is anything happening in his life? Any big change he is going through? Sometimes a person can be burned out or going through a rough period and it causes them to withdraw. It's still not right how he treats you, but it's good to try to see things from his perspective as well.

[melly]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It sounds like he's burned out from working unconventional hours,  he becomes stressed because of it and it goes hot and cold with texting. 

When my husband and I dated,  we didn't have cell phones and even then we didn't over do it with regular phone chats.  Space keeps the relationship fresh.  Too much contact makes the relationship grow stale quicker.  Have aura and some mystique. 

He yells and doesn't apologize.  Hours later he'll eventually apologize.  He has a temper so beware.  I know his type well. 

I'd end it.  He's unstable and both of you are incompatible. 

I was thinking that too but he has been working this job for over a year and has half the hours he had back then. even on his free week he barely makes time for me anymore. 

I am really just doing what was routine for us for almost 2 years and i thought i was finally done acting like i don‘t care or acting like i want to talk even less than we do now so i am practically incapable of being in even less contact with him because this is already super bad. We will maybe text 2-3 times a day for a few days straight, even when he is not at work. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

4 minutes ago, melly said:

I know and I am considering this of course. I don‘t really know what else it could be because i am afraid that if this ISN‘t the case and i stop trying, he will just fall apart but you‘re right. I can‘t keep this up all by myself

Trust your gut and judgment. Don't fall for endless self-doubt.

He is not into you anymore, and it seems he's living his new life/schedule. You may not fit in it anymore like before. And he's too cowardly to break up.

Better let him go so you can find someone nearby who wants you, wants to see you, date you, treat your right and hold you close.

[melly]

1 minute ago, ShySoul said:

If you don't communicate you're sad, there are plenty of people who won't pick up on it. There are a lot of people who may have brains, but are very bad about using them. And if he is stressed and angry in the moment, it's usually not the right time to talk anyway. He is running on the anger and so caught up in his own self that he can't see what's around him.

But once he calms down he can sense something is wrong. So he asks and apologizes. That demonstrates he is willing to put in some effort.

An hour a day is still an hour a day.

What exactly have you said to him? How have you said it? Have you unequivacally stated that you feel ignored and not valued in the relationship? Or was it just saying you want him to talk more? 

Is anything happening in his life? Any big change he is going through? Sometimes a person can be burned out or going through a rough period and it causes them to withdraw. It's still not right how he treats you, but it's good to try to see things from his perspective as well.

I understand what you‘re saying and i also understand how important communication is but the problem is that i KNOW he knows. He will do something, he knows upsets me and then he will act completely oblivious to get me to say what exactly hurt my feelings when i have repeated myself so many times by now. 

He will yell or ignore me for a few days and then he asks me what‘s wrong, as if we didn‘t have the same thing happening like 2 weeks ago. 

 

I asked him why he doesn‘t talk to me anymore and that i feel like he doesn‘t want to talk to me anymore. We will be on that 1 hour call and it will just be asking him a few questions and he will respond and that‘s about it. 
I did tell him a few weeks ago already that i feel very disconnected due to how drastically he changed.

I don‘t think anything has changed in his life recently. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, melly said:

He will yell or ignore me for a few days and then he asks me what‘s wrong, as if we didn‘t have the same thing happening like 2 weeks ago. 

 

Hot and cold, push pull behaviour is not healthy nor loving.

He is not treating you right. He does not care anymore. I'm sorry.

[ShySoul]

Just now, melly said:

I am really just doing what was routine for us for almost 2 years and i thought i was finally done acting like i don‘t care or acting like i want to talk even less than we do now so i am practically incapable of being in even less contact with him because this is already super bad. We will maybe text 2-3 times a day for a few days straight, even when he is not at work. 

Routines can change. It doesn't have to be bad, it can just take time to get used to. It is also good to separate a bit and not have to constantly be in contact with each other. I get wanting to talk for hours on end. But everyone needs their own space and time as well. Two or three times a day for some couples would work just fine, enough to know you are thinking of each other.

Having said that, if you feel ignored, then it is a problem. It is a problem he needs to be told in no uncertain terms. If he doesn't listen, then that's disrespect you shouldn't take from anyone. You should never hide your feelings or act like something doesn't bother you if it does. Relationships need communication. Not talking about your feelings will only make things worse.

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, melly said:

I was thinking that too but he has been working this job for over a year and has half the hours he had back then. even on his free week he barely makes time for me anymore. 

I am really just doing what was routine for us for almost 2 years and i thought i was finally done acting like i don‘t care or acting like i want to talk even less than we do now so i am practically incapable of being in even less contact with him because this is already super bad. We will maybe text 2-3 times a day for a few days straight, even when he is not at work. 

 

Well,  I remember back in the day when I worked grave yard shift full time while enrolled in college full time by day and it was very rough.  Whenever I had short weekends off,  my brain was fried.  Time off from work came and went fast.  I was stressed and chronically fatigued.  A bad work condition is bad mentally and physically.  It's very unhealthy.

It doesn't sound like your relationship will endure at this rate.  Perhaps short term but not long term.  I'd end it if I were you and be with someone who is stable.  Stable people tend to be content,  secure and much easier to get along with. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He is not into you anymore...

I'm not getting this^ sense from what melly wrote.

If that were the case, when @mellypulled back, he wouldn't come forward asking what's wrong, etc . which he does.

He just wouldn't care. 

My feeling melly is he feels pressured by your relationship and needs some major breathing room.

Perhaps he needs more "space" than you and that's OK!

When things settle down, talk openly and honesty about what you're both needing to make this work.   See if you can reach some sort of compromise.

Don't eexpect him to be a mind reader, speak up but also know when to back off too.  It's a balance. 

Long term relationship can go though many different growth changes, you're both growing and evolving as well. 

Ideally you want to grow and evolve together and that takes communicating, understanding and spending quality time combined with a bit of distance too.

Again, it's a balance. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, melly said:

i KNOW he knows. He will do something, he knows upsets me and then he will act completely oblivious to get me to say what exactly hurt my feelings

You've answered your own question.

If you believe he knows and is doing this on purpose, then he's not respecting you. All the talking won't matter if you honestly feel like he is intentionally doing something to hurt you. 

It's hard to break away. And I'm more likely then anyone to give people a chance and consider their feelings. But if he is taking out his frustrations and stress on you and doesn't make the effort to respect your feelings, it's not going to work. 

Relationships are a team effort. You don't feel he is making the effort. And you seem ready to not put in the effort either. So why continue on this wheel where no one is happy? 

[rainbowsandroses]

@melly have you read John Gray's Mars/Venus series of books and articles?

It's not always about  "push/pull" which gets an extremely bad rap in out current dating culture. 

Learn to understand how men move closer and fall in love, they often need to distance a bit before inching forward, if you can leave him alone during this process versus nagging, hassling, seeking reassurance, assuming he's no longer into you, all will be fine and you can progress.

Again, balance. 

 

[Batya33]

Before this change what were your plans for the future - engagement eventually? Moving closer to each other? He has a lot of free time if he can go to the gym and work -what if one of you gets a job that requires more than traditional 7-8 hours a day? I think he has checked out but it would be helpful to know if there were future plans to strengthen the commitment.  Do you each live with parents and have you met his friends, family and parents?

As the late Dr. Joy Browne said if something has changed something has changed.  For sure people go through rough patches at work, feel more tired than usual and their behavior to their partners might change -meaning the nightly call might be skipped or shortened but people who care are very transparent about this I find.  I am.  My husband and I were long distance before we were married for quite awhile and we never missed a nightly phone call that I can remember but I'm sure some where shorter like if we were in different time zones or were tired etc. i don't remember because they were blips on the radar -no biggie - had there been significant changes like you are describing I would have remembered and indeed remember one specific day like that which turned out to be nothing too where he was strangely out of touch with me and I did worry.  One time early on around 18 years ago.  

He also might be keeping you as a backup plan.  I'm sorry but I wouldn't be surprised if he's crushing on someone -maybe a woman he met at the gym or at work?

[melly]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm not getting this^ sense from what melly wrote.

If that were the case, when @mellypulled back, he wouldn't come forward asking what's wrong, etc . which he does.

He just wouldn't care. 

My feeling melly is he feels pressured by your relationship and needs some major breathing room.

Perhaps he needs more "space" than you and that's OK!

When things settle down, talk openly and honesty about what you're both needing to make this work.   See if you can reach some sort of compromise.

Don't eexpect him to be a mind reader, speak up but also know when to back off too.  It's a balance. 

Long term relationship can go though many different growth changes, your both growing and evolving as well. 

Ideally you want to grow and evolve together and that takes communicating and understanding.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But he knows. He doesn‘t have to read my mind. He knows exactly how I feel about certain things. I communicated that to him already. He will do it again and we have to have the exact same conversation again with him acting like it‘s the first time we are talking about that topic. 

A good example would be when we went to watch a movie together, this was before he started changing. He‘s BEEN doing this.

We watched the movie and because it was 10pm, in winter, it was dark and we walked to the train station together. 

I don‘t know what happened but he was in a mood and he just walked very far in front of me. Again, it‘s 10pm, i don‘t know this city. He would walk so far in front of me, that i could barely see him, the whole 20 minute walk.

I think it‘s common sense that u don‘t let ur partner, especially not your female partner, walk far behind you in YOUR city at 10pm. 

Later he kept pressing me about why am i being so distant and when i told him  he acted like he didn‘t even know that that‘s a problem for me.

He has been doing this. He is just doing it more often now and it‘s incredibly irritating when u have to repeat yourself so many times.

[Kwothe28]

50 minutes ago, melly said:

I‘ll give u a scenario:

he yells at me because he is stressed 

i get sad (obviously, I don‘t need to communicate that, everyone with a brain can tell) 

he doesn‘t apologize 

I don‘t talk to him much after because i am hurt

he then hours later asks me what‘s wrong to then get it out of me and THEN apologize. 

That sounds like my first relationship when I was in high school. Except I didnt yell and she pouted and didnt talk to me until I notice that she doesnt even listen what I am saying. Only to discover its something I said 15 minutes ago lol

Anyway, I dont think there is anything wrong per se. I mean there is, but not in a way you think its wrong. After a while all that passion, all those phone calls and messages kinda die down. After 2 years you cant expect the same passion as in the beginning. I wouldnt also exclude somebody else but just think his passion died down from the initial phase which is quite normal. 

I dont condone him yelling nore ignoring you though. That is whats really wrong with this. You are maybe young so you contemplate that with him being passionate about you. But its really not that. Both are signs that yes, maybe something is wrong and that this relationship has maybe run its course. 

[melly]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Before this change what were your plans for the future - engagement eventually? Moving closer to each other? He has a lot of free time if he can go to the gym and work -what if one of you gets a job that requires more than traditional 7-8 hours a day? I think he has checked out but it would be helpful to know if there were future plans to strengthen the commitment.  Do you each live with parents and have you met his friends, family and parents?

As the late Dr. Joy Browne said if something has changed something has changed.  For sure people go through rough patches at work, feel more tired than usual and their behavior to their partners might change -meaning the nightly call might be skipped or shortened but people who care are very transparent about this I find.  I am.  My husband and I were long distance before we were married for quite awhile and we never missed a nightly phone call that I can remember but I'm sure some where shorter like if we were in different time zones or were tired etc. i don't remember because they were blips on the radar -no biggie - had there been significant changes like you are describing I would have remembered and indeed remember one specific day like that which turned out to be nothing too where he was strangely out of touch with me and I did worry.  One time early on around 18 years ago.  

He also might be keeping you as a backup plan.  I'm sorry but I wouldn't be surprised if he's crushing on someone -maybe a woman he met at the gym or at work?

we planned on getting engaged when i am done with Uni, which is in 1 1/2 years. Then get married and move in together. I don‘t have any friends (due to mental health issues but im working on that), i have met his friends and his family. He has met my mom too.

He has quite a bit of free time. On his three work days he will wake up at 11, leave the house at 2, go to the gym and then to work till 2am. Then he has 7 days off. 

[Batya33]

Just now, melly said:

we planned on getting engaged when i am done with Uni, which is in 1 1/2 years. Then get married and move in together. I don‘t have any friends (due to mental health issues but im working on that), i have met his friends and his family. He has met my mom too.

He has quite a bit of free time. On his three work days he will wake up at 11, leave the house at 2, go to the gym and then to work till 2am. Then he has 7 days off. 

Wow that's a lot of time off he has.  Has he ever expressed feeling overburdened as your only friend or expressed concern about your mental health issues?

[melly]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

That sounds like my first relationship when I was in high school. Except I didnt yell and she pouted and didnt talk to me until I notice that she doesnt even listen what I am saying. Only to discover its something I said 15 minutes ago lol

Anyway, I dont think there is anything wrong per se. I mean there is, but not in a way you think its wrong. After a while all that passion, all those phone calls and messages kinda die down. After 2 years you cant expect the same passion as in the beginning. I wouldnt also exclude somebody else but just think his passion died down from the initial phase which is quite normal. 

I dont condone him yelling nore ignoring you though. That is whats really wrong with this. You are maybe young so you contemplate that with him being passionate about you. But its really not that. Both are signs that yes, maybe something is wrong and that this relationship has maybe run its course. 

I kinda feel like, even though this is my first relationship, this is not what like the time after the "honey moon phase“ should look like. It all just feels very wrong to me but i don‘t know

[melly]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Wow that's a lot of time off he has.  Has he ever expressed feeling overburdened as your only friend or expressed concern about your mental health issues?

I am very introverted, so i don‘t really even bother him that much. I usually do my own thing, i just want to connect for a little bit every day. He has never complained about that or said anything about it. 

We both r kinda in the same boat when it comes to mental health issues so it was always kinda normal for us. Except that i go to therapy now

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, melly said:

I am very introverted, so i don‘t really even bother him that much. I usually do my own thing, i just want to connect for a little bit every day. He has never complained about that or said anything about it. 

We both r kinda in the same boat when it comes to mental health issues so it was always kinda normal for us. Except that i go to therapy now

So you said you had long phone calls that is why I asked.I'm glad you are in therapy -what does your therapist say about the health of your relationship?

[melly]

Just now, Batya33 said:

So you said you had long phone calls that is why I asked.I'm glad you are in therapy -what does your therapist say about the health of your relationship?

Yes usually during the phone calls we would watch something or we would both just do our own thing and talk a little in between. Him playing his games and me just studying or something. 

I have a hard time opening up so i haven‘t really spoken much about my relationship to my therapist yet, im slowly getting there. 

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though he's either tired of being tethered to the phone, or he's tired of the relationship altogether.

How is he when you see him?

[ShySoul]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is normal, have you read John Gray's Mars/Venus series of books and articles?

John Gray? The person whose degree was from a defunt and fradulent institution and who never studied all the things about you claimed to be an expert on? The person who was divorcing his wife at the same time as releasing a book about how to stay in a successful relationship?

https://culteducation.com/group/958-john-gray/9120-the-naked-truth-about-john-gray.html

And I don't think yelling and being ignored is healthy for any relationship, rather you are male or female.

I know I'm not the typically male, but that's not how I communicate. I don't need to pull back before I go further. I inch forward to start, but when I commit, I fully commit and go all in. Can't generalize about a person based on gender.