Narcissistic Mother

[SooSad33]

 

I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place for a couple of months now.

I have a nasty neighbour who's quite toxic towards others and her kids.  We live below her and have been affected by things like her dogs, ongoing barking to her blow outs at her kids. ( over last 4-5 yrs).

Our one neighbour calls her psycho 😕 . 

I'm pretty sure her son did intentionally cause the dogs to bark & act out just to tick us off - to the point it drove one of my kids crazy & he left a cpl yrs back 😕 . 

She's been heard outside, draggin my name thru the mud a number of times. eg. Doesn't she fn work or something?  Have anything better to do? And, that my shih tzu has caused her one dog to 'lose it', when encountered.  When my dog is normally calm and NO threat!  It is her dog.

It has now come down to a real challenge, as with my anxiety, I've been withholding facts and just avoiding any encounters with her - as she's quite unsettled and as I said, narcissistic!

She had it out with her son a cpl months ago, as he had freaked out & broke a door, then fled. ( after he;s had numerous charges laid for fighting & kicked out of school a cpl yrs back) - Yah, they all need prof help 😕 .

But now, it;s just been her daughter, who's 8 yrs old.  Mom leaves her alone all day Saturday and goes to work. So, kid stays home up to 10 hrs, alone! ( she would also take off for 3-4 hrs a night, when she first met her new BF, but has since eased off on all that, good).

I have been told to call it in. Call the cops & make a report.  I also want to actually go have a decent chat with childrens aid about this family, with all I know about her & her negligence, plus the way she is towards them. Always yelling & cursing and I heard the dtr has also tried to run away a time or two.  Recently, she has told the girl she is free to knock anyone out who's in her face or 'raises their hand' to her - as the poor kid was trying to argue this and say they are not allowed to do that!  Then mom says, I don't care!  No one is allowed to touch you, and if you do, then you can even tell them that your mom said you're allowed!  😮 

BUT, I need to first make this call to police, soon.  It really sucks, that I live below and we've got this bad blood, I guess you can say, lol.

FACT:  I am not to blame for her actions or negligence.  She is.  But of course, tries to turn it all around and make the other person feel guilt!  

I need to get over this mental hurdle and say something soon, don't I?  😕 

I just need some encouragement and others to agree with me/ convince me, that my concerns for this 8 yr old is correct and I am NOT the one at fault for anything in this, lol. 

My brother has an 8 yr old and I know they'd never leave her alone all day, every Saturday like that.  ( in ways, I wish she'd get charged for this one).  But, she is negligent, inconsiderate, conniving and selfish!

Thanks all 🙂 

[ShySoul]

First I'll say it's possible to leave a child at home and it be okay. Look up latchkey kids from the 80s. There are circumstances where a parent may need to be away from the home and a mature child can take care of themselves. So that by itself may not be a sign of a problem.

However, I'm not there and don't know the situation, so I'll trust what you say. 

If you have reason to believe she is negligent and poses a risk to her children, then you have to report it. It's not about fault or blame. It's not about what she thinks about you. It's not even about her.

It's about the children.

These children should have a safe, loving environment to grow up in. They should be treated well and with respect. If that isn't happening, it's going to cause them harm now and in the long term. 

Do you have reason to believe it's turn violent? If so, report it now. If not, you don't know when it could. For their own protection, speak out.

Though I would be careful. Without proof, there may be only so much that can be done. But I'd still say something is better then nothing.

And no, you are not at fault. You are being a caring person trying to look out for the well being of children. I'd call that a hero.

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  I would definitely call the police and child protection services.  Your concerns are very valid.  Everything about your neighbor disrupts your peace and right to live in a quiet,  stable place.  Your neighbor lives a very reckless,  chaotic life which is abusive towards her children.  She neglects and abandons her children for hours on end which is child endangerment.  Unsupervised children is a dangerous situation.  Anything can occur such as burning the apartment building 🔥 🚒 and eventually bored children become delinquent criminals or get into trouble somehow in many cases.  Idle hands are the devil's workshop.  👿

Perhaps you can video the next insane incident and you can present your video to law enforcement or the authorities.  That could be your evidence.

Would it help to speak with your apartment manager?

I was a latchkey kid ever since I was 6 years old.  My mother instructed me to put the house key in my shoe.  She was employed at 3 jobs 7 days a week after my late father left us with nary a good-bye nor child support.  My mother couldn't afford childcare.  However,  I wouldn't go so far as to say I disrupted anyone's life in my suburban neighborhood.  We co-existed peacefully and my family never bothered anyone. 

[Batya33]

Where I live there are guidelines for how long you can leave a child alone -of a certain age- and that age might be right around 8 -including ages but no strict "laws" but for example at a certain age (maybe 8 or 9) a public school bus can leave a child at a stop alone even if no adult is there for him.  

But yes I agree with Cheryln - 10 hours is way too long for an 8 year old plus everything else as Cheryln mentioned

I wanted to say your heart is in the right place, this is a very tough situation and I am so sorry you are in this situation.  Take care.

ETA - in my specific situation I still wouldn't leave our son alone for 10 hours -he is 15 but that's because we live in the middle of the city, and for personal reasons he doesn't have all the keys needed just yet.  I started leaving him alone for short periods of time starting at around age 10 or so when he was asleep -to go downstairs one flight to the gym for 40 minutes, like that.  10 hours means the child either is only eating cold food or is having to cook/heat stuff up - I mean I could at 8 years old -every child is different but I don't think at 8 I was allowed to use the stove unsupervised.  I was allowed to go to the candy store a few blocks away and come back.  But our grandparents babysat so it was never an issue plus when my sister was a teenager we stayed together alone when our parents went out but not 10 hours.  I know it's all so individual but I can't fathom leaving an 8 year old alone that long other than in a true emergency.  

[Starlight925]

Can you move?

[Coily]

Tough situation. 

While your heart is definitely in the right place for the kids, you need to think about the unintended consequences. 

If she's as vicious as she seems to be, she could and would probably figure out that you or someone else in the building is responsible for CPS being called. What will that look like for you and your living situation? Could she become violent?

So brace yourself.  Also just call CPS, police can't/won't be able to do much other than call in CPS. Also, be very very precise about what you report. Rumors and speculation will do nothing but cloud thr investigation and possibly result in nothing, well nothing but you giving this nutty neighbor a reason to get after you more.

Be smart, be concise, and be aware.

[ShySoul]

Research the laws on child endangerment in your area and see if she really is breaking the law. I'm seeing the guideline in the US is a child of eight should be alone no longer then an hour and a half. This is clearly violating that.

https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/consequences-of-leaving-a-child-home-alone.html

Just my opinion, but the safety of a child should trump any other concern. If the children are at risk, do what you have to for their protection.

[catfeeder]

How many of the actual events of neglect or abuse have you documented, including audio recordings or video?

Do you intend to move out of this place, or will you stir up a hornet's nest and continue to live with the consequences?

How well have you researched CPS in your area, and would you be certain that, should this child be taken into their custody, the outcome would be beneficial to the child rather than causing her more hardship and possible abuse through a foster care system?

I'd be careful about how much of my intended efforts are provable with an outcome that will be clearly in the best interests of the child versus my own irritation with this parent, because once a bureaucratic agency is involved, all outcomes are dependent on the skills and abilities of that agency to improve the life of the child rather than expose the child to potentially abusive foster situations and psychological damage to the child.

[ShySoul]

Do the homework to make sure the children are to receive the best care possible. But I'd take the chance they end up someplace better for them then stay in the place you know isn't healthy and is psychologially damaging.

[Kwothe28]

Isnt it against the law in West to leave kids alone at home? I have a cousin in France who did that and they called child services on him and his then wife. I found it for your country

Quote

Every year, thousands of parents/guardians ask this question to Child Safe Canada. The age at which children can be left at home alone for reasonable periods varies by province, ranging from 10 to 12 years of age. No child under the age of 10 should be left alone for any period of time.

 

Since her kid is 8, you can safely call child protective services on her narcissistic but. Same with the dog. Pretty sure there are laws against raising noise in the neighborhood and that you can call police for that. There is no point in just letting her do whatever she wants. When she is clearly breaking the law in her actions.

 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

How many of the actual events of neglect or abuse have you documented, including audio recordings or video?

Do you intend to move out of this place, or will you stir up a hornet's nest and continue to live with the consequences?

How well have you researched CPS in your area, and would you be certain that, should this child be taken into their custody, the outcome would be beneficial to the child rather than causing her more hardship and possible abuse through a foster care system?

I'd be careful about how much of my intended efforts are provable with an outcome that will be clearly in the best interests of the child versus my own irritation with this parent, because once a bureaucratic agency is involved, all outcomes are dependent on the skills and abilities of that agency to improve the life of the child rather than expose the child to potentially abusive foster situations and psychological damage to the child.

Yes this makes me rethink my response.  Thank  you.