Sensitive to smells

[Hellohibonjour]

Hi!

so, my wife is very sensitive to smells. I recently went back home to visit for a week, and my mom is a chain smoker. When I came home my wife took my luggage and opened it to air it out of the cigarette smoke. The cigarettes smell really make her feel ill, and she has asthma. She started saying she can’t breathe and has a migraine because of third hand smoke. She then turned on 3 air purifiers and started throwing my computer mouse, chargers, laptop bag, hair dryer and drawing pad away saying that they were unsaveable from the smell, after cleaning and wiping them off with Clorox wipes. She then started taking my new clothes me and my mom bought and started washing them multiple times. She’s done this before and has ruined my clothes in the process. This time they didn’t get destroyed due to the material thank god. I asked her not to wash them so much and the smell will go away on its own, and she said no the smell is horrendous and can cause cancer.she told me I shouldn’t buy clothes when I go visit my mom cause I know she will wash them multiple times and will get destroyed. She also texted me just now that she’s returning my luggage from Amazon because it smells too bad. I JUST bought it before I left to visit my mom.

she told me to figure something out when I go visit my mom because she doesn’t want to deal with the smell anymore. She says third hand smoke can cause cancer and other illnesses and it takes days for her to clean the house to get rid of the smell. She also said that she feels anxious when I come back because of the cig smell and wishes that I don’t come back because of the smell.  I don’t visit my mom often because I dread coming back getting my things destroyed or thrown away. I know smoking is bad my mom isn’t going to stop though she’s 65 and set in her ways. I know my wife has a point of not wanting to smell the cig smoke, I just don’t know what to do? I’d like to visit my mom and go shopping with her in peace it’s one of our favorite things to do together! So what can I do? Is there any smoke proof luggage I can buy? My wife also said that there’s no point in buying luggage because my mom is a chain smoker and is unhealthy and that smoking is a health hazard. Which I know obvi but idk.

[Coily]

While I'm not a fan of cigarette smoke, your wife is a bit much.

With her level of unhealthy obsession; I would suggest you consider going to a thrift store and getting some "disposable" clothes for visits to your mother. Something that your wife can weird out over and just ruin without you caring.

As far as luggage, if you don't have to fly or take public transport; I'd get some contractor trash bags and throw your clothes in with a box of baking soda. I have a feeling that even if you stopped a public laundry on the way home your wife would still wash everything until it's ruined.

To be blunt, I think your wife needs therapy to overcome this irrational fear of third hand smoke.

[Hellohibonjour]

I do fly! My luggage bag I take is big 24 inches usually. Cause I get a lot of stuff during my trip back to nyc where I’m from. 😕

[Seraphim]

I can understand her not wanting to smell the smoke as it causes me migraines as well, but destroying and throwing away your property is not acceptable. 
 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I can understand her not wanting to smell the smoke as it causes me migraines as well, but destroying and throwing away your property is not acceptable. 
 

Same. My husband and son rented a car during their road trip to Canada. My husband said they both smelled cigarette smoke residue in the first car so they returned it. Also they didn’t want to be blamed for it. 

[catfeeder]

Sounds like the wife is hyper reacting to your relationship with your mother and projecting that onto your belongings.

I bet if you brought in placebo luggage and belongings that were never exposed to your Mom’s home, wife would react the same way.

Consider staying in a hotel, air B&B, or the home of a nonsmoking relative next time you visit. But don’t tell wife. Then see how she behaves on your return.

[ShySoul]

My roommate is sensitive to smells. If not handled quickly and washed and dried properly, smells do stay in clothes and can be a problem. They get in items. Just being around second handsmoke for a few seconds makes me gag and I don't have a strong sense of smell. For those who are sensitive, it could easly make them ill. It's not an overreaction on her part if she can still smell it. It's not something imagined. It's real. Believe her. Ask yourself what is more important, your things or your wife and her health?

Is it possible that your mom doesn't smoke around you our of respect for you and your wife? She can smoke otherwise (though it is a dangerous habit to smoke that much) all she wants, but she should still be able to exert some self control and not do it around you. Or if you are there, have a separate area that she can retreat to for a smoke break. That wouldn't be uncalled of for you to do. It would be expressing a concern you have while still valuing her. And if she is a caring mother, I would think she would be open to it.

You could find alternate living arrangements when visiting to minimize the time around the smoke. But do tell your wife. Tell her everything you try in a way that shows sympathy and understanding. Show her you are trying to find a way to help.

Maybe you could just have a separate set of clothes for when you are visting? Keep those with your mother and wash them when you are down there. Then you'll need only one outfit that can go back and forth with you and may necessitate her washing them when you get back.

[ShySoul]

Is she only washing them to get the smell out? That's probably not going to be effective, hence why she needs to wash them multiple times or throw things out. 

Has she researched alternatives? I'm seeing baking soda is useful. For more ideas:

https://ilovegain.com/en-us/tips-and-topics/how-to-remove-odor/how-to-remove-cigarette-smell

https://www.laundrycare.biz/blog/how-to-get-rid-of-smoke-odor-in-laundry/

https://lifehacker.com/how-can-i-get-the-smoke-smell-out-of-things-1633743079

[Hellohibonjour]

13 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

My roommate is sensitive to smells. If not handled quickly and washed and dried properly, smells do stay in clothes and can be a problem. They get in items. Just being around second handsmoke for a few seconds makes me gag and I don't have a strong sense of smell. For those who are sensitive, it could easly make them ill. It's not an overreaction on her part if she can still smell it. It's not something imagined. It's real. Believe her. Ask yourself what is more important, your things or your wife and her health?

Is it possible that your mom doesn't smoke around you our of respect for you and your wife? She can smoke otherwise (though it is a dangerous habit to smoke that much) all she wants, but she should still be able to exert some self control and not do it around you. Or if you are there, have a separate area that she can retreat to for a smoke break. That wouldn't be uncalled of for you to do. It would be expressing a concern you have while still valuing her. And if she is a caring mother, I would think she would be open to it.

You could find alternate living arrangements when visiting to minimize the time around the smoke. But do tell your wife. Tell her everything you try in a way that shows sympathy and understanding. Show her you are trying to find a way to help.

Maybe you could just have a separate set of clothes for when you are visting? Keep those with your mother and wash them when you are down there. Then you'll need only one outfit that can go back and forth with you and may necessitate her washing them when you get back.

My mom is set in her ways. She smokes in the living room and I have a bedroom and keep my luggage shut the whole time. 
i believe her for sure, but the things she has thrown away the past few times have been very expensive, my drawing pad, my computer mouse, and has destroyed atleast 300 dollars worth of clothes. She yells at me that I don’t care about her health and I’ll give her cancer, and I’ve tried many ways to not have it smell like cigs. I’m from nyc and hotels are expensive down there. And I don’t have relatives that I’m close with enough to stay with them. Cig smell is bad for sure. Not saying it’s not. I really do try my best. I work in an environment that also has smells. I’m a 3D print engineer so I work with resins and etc that also bother her. I’ve moved all of my craft stuff because I’m an artist and paint and glitter bothers her to my work also, idk what else I can possibly do. She has threatened to leave me because of my art, my job, and now the cig smoke. And has called me many gross names and has thrown away 5k worth of art materials.

[Hellohibonjour]

16 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Is she only washing them to get the smell out? That's probably not going to be effective, hence why she needs to wash them multiple times or throw things out. 

Has she researched alternatives? I'm seeing baking soda is useful. For more ideas:

https://ilovegain.com/en-us/tips-and-topics/how-to-remove-odor/how-to-remove-cigarette-smell

https://www.laundrycare.biz/blog/how-to-get-rid-of-smoke-odor-in-laundry/

https://lifehacker.com/how-can-i-get-the-smoke-smell-out-of-things-1633743079

She has bought this thing from Walmart that’s supposed to remove odors. And she also used tea bags. She said it still smelled and threw things away.

[ShySoul]

How long has this been going on? 

Did your wife know about this when you got married? How long have you been married or together? 

If your mother is that set in her ways, I don't imagine this is a new thing she does. So your wife should have known that about her. And I would think your wife would have always been senstive. How were you able to get along before?

[Cherylyn]

My late father was a cigarette smoker.  (He also smoked pipes and cigars.)  My childhood home reeked of cigarette smoke.  Cigarette smoke odors penetrated everything such as drapes,  carpet,  clothing,  hair,  furniture,  towels and linens.  He even smoked in the car with the windows rolled up.  We were always choking and gagging. 🤮 🤧It was inescapable.   I remember my siblings and I suffered a lot of respiratory illnesses due to second hand smoke.  Even then he was an embarrassment because none of my friends' fathers smoked.  Other parents and families were normal whereas my family were misfits. 

I feel for your wife because when I worked my grave yard shift job,  I was surrounded by cigarette smokers.  I felt suffocated and by the time I drove home,  I stank to high heaven from cigarette smoke.  I could not wait to shower and launder everything.  It was bad.  🤒  My respiratory illnesses lingered for years back in the day.  I couldn't breathe. 😶

As for your visits to your mother's home,  bring everything cheap such as a cheap suitcase,  cheap clothing,  cheap everything.  Make these items exclusive for your visits with your mother.  Keep everything separated between items for your trips to your mother's home and other better items for your non-smoking lifestyle.  Leave the good stuff at home.  Yes,  it's a hassle to take this route but do what works. 

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

My late father was a cigarette smoker.  (He also smoked pipes and cigars.)  My childhood home reeked of cigarette smoke.  Cigarette smoke odors penetrated everything such as drapes,  carpet,  clothing,  hair,  furniture,  towels and linens.  It was inescapable.   I remember my siblings and I suffered a lot of respiratory illnesses due to second hand smoke.

Sorry you experienced that. My father was apparently a heavy smoker as well but he luckily quit before I was born. If only he had quit the alcohol as well...

I once had to move apartments because the neighbors downstairs were smoking at all hours of the day and night. Even with all the windows closed and the patio door shut, the smoke would still leak in. We had to use duct tape to block out the smell from getting through all the gaps. 

It gets everyone and doesn't go away. It's serious and causes health risks to everyone around. Something I wouldn't mind seeing erased from use.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Sorry you experienced that. My father was apparently a heavy smoker as well but he luckily quit before I was born. If only he had quit the alcohol as well...

I once had to move apartments because the neighbors downstairs were smoking at all hours of the day and night. Even with all the windows closed and the patio door shut, the smoke would still leak in. We had to use duct tape to block out the smell from getting through all the gaps. 

It gets everyone and doesn't go away. It's serious and causes health risks to everyone around. Something I wouldn't mind seeing erased from use.

I hear you @ShySoul.  My father was a chain smoker and alcoholic.  (Add wife beater, 👿no child support,   womanizer and incurring overwhelming debt to that list.)  

I agree,  cigarette smoke gets everywhere.  I remember a time when my husband,  sons and I stayed at a hotel and the hotel room reeked of cigarette smoke.  We experienced difficulty breathing.  Hence,  we immediately switched to another hotel room which didn't stink. 

[Seraphim]

I think it is time for you to leave. She is abusive . 

[Hellohibonjour]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

How long has this been going on? 

Did your wife know about this when you got married? How long have you been married or together? 

If your mother is that set in her ways, I don't imagine this is a new thing she does. So your wife should have known that about her. And I would think your wife would have always been senstive. How were you able to get along before?

We have been together for 9 years married for 6. Im an artist we went to the same college and I went to school for game art and design. She didn’t really like that either…

how do we get along…she throws tantrums curses me out throws stuff away and I just..let it happen. I know it’s an issue that I need to address but I can’t really talk to her because “everything is my fault” even with the smells, it’s my fault because I can’t smell it it’s obviously me. 🤷🏾‍♀️ “how can you not smell the smoke it’s obviously just you because I can smell it” and then makes me feel bad.

She wasn’t always sensitive to smells like this. She is going through a health craze and wants to be super healthy. We used to be stoners but now she doesn’t smoke and hates when I smoke so I stopped. I take edibles from time to time but she judges me for that too.

[Morello]

I think it's time you rethink whether this relationship is the right one for both of you, OP. From the outside, it does not look that way. You just grew up to become very different people.

[Coily]

This isn't about the cigarette smoke alone, this is about her being destructive towards anything of yours she can't control.  The destruction of $5k of your supplies is abominable! 

She freaks out and  acts like a petulant child, she destroys your things,  she cusses you out... she's abusive.  I don't like jumping there, but she is exhibiting abusive behaviors. 

If it wasn't the cigarette smoke, it would be (and has been) something else. She will not be content until you are whipped and cowering, a hostage to her whims.

She needs professional help, you also need to push for couples counseling.  If she refuses both, it may be time to ask her to leave.

[DarkCh0c0]

10 hours ago, Hellohibonjour said:

My mom is set in her ways. She smokes in the living room and I have a bedroom and keep my luggage shut the whole time. 
i believe her for sure, but the things she has thrown away the past few times have been very expensive, my drawing pad, my computer mouse, and has destroyed atleast 300 dollars worth of clothes. She yells at me that I don’t care about her health and I’ll give her cancer, and I’ve tried many ways to not have it smell like cigs. I’m from nyc and hotels are expensive down there. And I don’t have relatives that I’m close with enough to stay with them. Cig smell is bad for sure. Not saying it’s not. I really do try my best. I work in an environment that also has smells. I’m a 3D print engineer so I work with resins and etc that also bother her. I’ve moved all of my craft stuff because I’m an artist and paint and glitter bothers her to my work also, idk what else I can possibly do. She has threatened to leave me because of my art, my job, and now the cig smoke. And has called me many gross names and has thrown away 5k worth of art materials.

So she uses the smells as an excuse to abuse you and treat poorly.

When she destroys your items, she feels powerful and you feel powerless. It's a power and control tactic. Slowly it chips away at your self-esteem. It's very manipulative.

How long has it been like this?! She treats you so badly. I'm sorry.

Do you have kids? Why put up with all of this?

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, Hellohibonjour said:

... the things she has thrown away the past few times have been very expensive, my drawing pad, my computer mouse, and has destroyed atleast 300 dollars worth of clothes. She yells at me...

There's no way that I'd put up with this for a second. Nobody has the right to discard ANYthing of mine or to yell at me like I'm some idiot. I'd have gathered my things, loaded them into my car, and headed off to a hotel to set up an appointment with an attorney.

The woman is a raving hypochondriac. You get to decide how much of your life you're willing to allow to be made a perfect hell. That's up to you, because this woman is not going to change, and you have your whole future ahead of you to build as you see fit.