relationship boundaries

[yegguy]

hi Everyone,

I find myself in an awkward position, ive tried to set boundaries with my gf, but it seems to fall on deaf ears...I love her and until recently we have been talking about marriage...but i don't know what to do with a certain situation. im a firm believer that when in a relationship (especially a serious one) nobody should maintain contact with anyone you have a sexual history with, nor should you give attention to someone that has clearly shown sexual interest...not only does that open doors to cheating (been through that before) but its not respecting the relationship and it tells the third party its ok to disrespect the relationship and the partner...especially if explicit photos have been sent.

 

a while ago i saw a screenshot my gf took in snapchat of his *Johnson*.......the time stamp was last November (this was just before we moved in together)...this was the first time i learned of this...i confronted her about this because I knew they were still talking...she said she told him it wasn't acceptable because she's in a relationship...I asked why she didn't cut ties with him outright...she said its because they're friends. I said he's not a "friend" if he's interested in you sexually...I tried to let the matter go and put my trust in her.....about a month later she suggested we do something "adventurous"....wanting to be a good boyfriend, i said ok.

 

right after doing the deed, she grabs her phone and starts typing...I asked her what is she doing (it was 2:30am)...she says im texting *Friend* to tell him about this...I was completely shocked that she was doing this and all i could think to say was why??? she informs me that they swap sex stories like trading cards.

 

it took me a couple days to process the shock and assess how i actually felt about it, and it ended up making me extremely mad....I ended up confronting her about it and told her that it was a complete breach of my trust (our intimate relations are nobodies business and its certainly not a public matter) its bad enough that she told anyone, but she told it to the guy i do not like or trust, she apologizes for breaking my trust and asked if I would like her to delete him from snap chat (she didnt say anything about instagram or facebook)....so I told her I dont want him to have any contact at all with her, because I dont like him and I certainly dont trust him...once again I left the matter wuith her because I want to trust her....a day or two later I see her phone light up and she has a notification from him.....clearly im not getting through to her......what do I do....at this point, I feel like I can no longer marry her....if I do with how things are, im concerned it will just be a life time of stress and constant wonder about whats going on

 

 

any advice is greatly appreciated!

 

thanks 

[smackie9]

There's no way she's invested in you...Boot her to the curb. TBH she's more suitable for an open relationship.

[Kwothe28]

34 minutes ago, yegguy said:

clearly im not getting through to her......what do I do

You send her to the streets where she belongs.

You tried to put the line in the sand. And she repeatedly crossed that line over and over again. That should tell you that she doesnt respect your line in the sand and that she will cross it in a future too. Save yourself future troubles and boot her to the curb now.

[Cherylyn]

It's not about trust.  It's about her being a real nut job.  😖 Run for the hills. 

Marriage?  No way.  👎

You need to dump her.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with your particular rules.  Separately I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who interacted with a friend of the opposite sex in this way.

[Kwothe28]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with your particular rules.

Whats wrong with his rules? SO maintaining contact with exes and with people showing clear sexual intent toward them is a red flag regardless of gender. I would maybe think differently if he said "All men in her proximity" or something like that. But this is quite reasonable request. 

Yeah, yeah, I know, you still maintain contact with your ex, we heard the story 100 times. That doesnt mean its not red flag. 

[yegguy]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with your particular rules.  Separately I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who interacted with a friend of the opposite sex in this way.

i have no concern over platonic friends...its specifically talking to guys that theres a sexual history existing or a guy trying to get with her sexually and shes in a relationship with me...i get wanting to be polite and "not being mean" but theres also FAFO....if a guy approaches a woman in a relationship, sending pics and such...he deserves to get more than his feelings hurt....period

[yegguy]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with your particular rules.  Separately I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who interacted with a friend of the opposite sex in this way.

heres extra context since you clearly think im a "bad guy"...after our first date, I had to go to vegas for a work conference (im canadian)..she asked me to give her a call...she says she has her fwb coming over and just wanted to let me know because I deserve honesty...i told her i was very not ok with that...even though it was just one date, i am only giving her my attention and nobody else (im old school and date with purpose, not casual fun) and I would ask she gives the same in turn, otherwise this cant go any further...she let me believe that nothing happened....i found out at the same time i saw that pic, that she did ineed have her fwb over that time because there was pics

[Andrina]

Boundaries should've been discussed at the point you were deciding to become exclusive with her, since I'm assuming you've now been together several years since you're engaged. You might've saved yourself from investing all this time with her if you'd known her views from the get-go.

However, better late than never, and you've now learned an important lesson about dating for the next time. Yeah, when people have opposite views on important issues like this, if you stay, you will probably develop ulcers from the stress. And why would you stay a second longer with the "yuck factor" after she messaged the guy about your sexual activity?

You deserve a classy lady who knows how to be a decent partner. Free yourself to eventually find a keeper.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, yegguy said:

I love her and until recently we have been talking about marriage...but i don't know what to do with a certain situation. im a firm believer that when in a relationship (especially a serious one) nobody should maintain contact with anyone you have a sexual history with, nor should you give attention to someone that has clearly shown sexual interest

Um marriage?  No.

Clearly this girl has issues!  Who, in their right mind would keep tabs and act out this way with a member of the opposite sex?

She seems to be trying to either 'compare' her 2 guys here or she's got some real self esteem issues, but that;s unreal!

Nope, be done, because trust has been broken and she clearly has NO respect for you & this relationship!

[DarkCh0c0]

This chick likes the attention and chase. She has you as the "good guy" to provide for her, and the other guy as plan B for extra attention.

Honestly, since your first date she showed you who she was when you said:

2 hours ago, yegguy said:

heres extra context since you clearly think im a "bad guy"...after our first date, I had to go to vegas for a work conference (im canadian)..she asked me to give her a call...she says she has her fwb coming over and just wanted to let me know because I deserve honesty...i told her i was very not ok with that...even though it was just one date, i am only giving her my attention and nobody else (im old school and date with purpose, not casual fun) and I would ask she gives the same in turn, otherwise this cant go any further...she let me believe that nothing happened....i found out at the same time i saw that pic, that she did ineed have her fwb over that time because there was pics

Seriously, it's about time! She belongs to the 🗑️

You are worth way more man. She is not and won't be loyal. It's time to cut her and her BS out. Use your brain. You got this.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, yegguy said:

a while ago i saw a screenshot my gf took in snapchat of his *Johnson*.......the time stamp was last November (this was just before we moved in together)

Honestly, tell her to go get it.

Ridiculous. I'm sorry man.

[HeartGoesOn]

3 hours ago, yegguy said:

if a guy approaches a woman in a relationship, sending pics and such...he deserves to get more than his feelings hurt....period

I agree with you there, but you also have to take into account her participation in this. She had the means to block him, etc, yet she didn't. 

What does that tell you?  If you can't have 100% trust with her, where do you see this going?

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Whats wrong with his rules? SO maintaining contact with exes and with people showing clear sexual intent toward them is a red flag regardless of gender. I would maybe think differently if he said "All men in her proximity" or something like that. But this is quite reasonable request. 

Yeah, yeah, I know, you still maintain contact with your ex, we heard the story 100 times. That doesnt mean its not red flag. 

Nothing is wrong with his rules.  I never wrote that. His rules are fine and would never work for me.  Way too restrictive in my situation and in my life.  Both my husband and I have kept in touch with exes and still do.  One of them is a friend  of mine -his ex - no idea if they had sex, I don't care and I didn't ask.  They're also still connected as colleagues.  We saw their family pre-covid -they live in a different city.

I have no stories about exes and I've likely mentioned it over 100 times since this issue frequently comes up.  It's relevant for context IMO.

  We would never ever stay in touch with anyone who was pursuing a romantic relationship with us let alone sex -of course not -I would never be ok with that and neither would he.  That is not what I was referring to.  Then it wouldn't matter if it was someone I dated or some random guy coming on to me.  I get messages from men like that on FB and I delete/block and report as needed.  If it's not a sexual message then depending on context I might ask if he knows me or my husband so I don't inadvertently block someone I actually know, know of, or where one of us works with the person.  If the response doesn't clarify, I delete and block. 

If i were single I'd likely do the same but when I was single I invited contact from men on dating sites.

 I think her behavior is wrong IMO even if he did not have those rules.  It would never be ok with me in any romantic relationship -even just dating.  

[yogacat]

This woman is crossing so many lines she makes a corn maze seem like a straight to the end road.

Firstly she told you that she doesn't like the dude because he likes her sexually and she won't cut ties because they're "friends." Let's move on to the sex stories trade what the actual heck is this?  If a man ever told me this I would break up with him instantly. 

So it's your move. If you break up she's gonna cry and tell you they're just friends and they don't do anything wrong and YOU ARE NOT BEING FAIR TO HER. This is all irrelevant.

The only thing that matters here is that this is making you mad. She knows it is. She knows this is pretty much bush league cheating but she's not stopping it. Eek! She's not even hiding it from you: she told you she's texting the guy while she still has his wiener photos on her phone. 

Most would send her packing right now and leave no room for negotiation. You're not in that position. 

It can't continue this way. Either she fixes it in five minutes by breaking all ties with the guy or it is over.

As for the third party problem, that will be your next problem should you stay and tell her you don't want her associating with any of her former partners. She will tell you you're controlling and demand to see which friends you'll need to get her approval for now. 

Bottom line: She has no respect for you or the relationship.

[catfeeder]

We can't impose boundaries on another person, we can only raise them for ourselves and what we are willing to tolerate from another before it's time to walk away.

So if you have boundaries, then use them. You're not going to change this person.