Why can't i leave my abusive boyfriend?

[soggybread11]

Myself 26F and my boyfriend 26M have been together for 6 months. Our relationship has always been unhealthy, he's very toxic and abusive and for someone reason i can't leave.

My boyfriend is horrible to me, he yells and swears, tells me he doesnt care about me etc, verbally attacks me if i try to communicate with him, i'm not allowed to show emotion regarding our relationship otherwise im "sensitive" and "irritating". He gets incredibly angry very quickly over tiny things like me asking him to say please when he wants me to do something, this leads to verbal abuse. He went to ibiza with some mates recently, got drunk, called me and was horrible to me over the phone. I expressed my dislike for the way he spoke to me to which he literally ignored me for the rest of his trip, and then sent me a paragraph explaining how i ruined his vacation by "overreacting" and being "sensitive". He admitted to hurting me on purpose because he thinks its normal for partners to hurt eachother when angry, he says i live in a fairytale if i believe otherwise. Its like he justifies his behaviour by saying im "too sensitive" to take his horrible disrespectful words, to which i know im not.. he's just an ***. There's way more but I'll be here forever if I type it all out. 

My boyfriend had an abusive childhood and im 99% sure he's a narcissist, he emotionally, mentally and verbally abuses me, shows 0 remorse and treats me like ***. You're probably wondering why I'm still with him and i honestly don't know. I'm a very kind, loving person, I'm very confident in myself and who i am as a person, i dont have low self esteem, i dont rely on him for anything (house, finances etc), i'm pretty so i'm not afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life, i know i could find someone else. I have a lot to offer someone and all i want is a healthy relationship, im very aware this isnt that. My friends hate my boyfriend, they don't understand what i see in him or why I'm with him, they tell me to break up with him almost daily. 

I'm incredibly aware of how poorly I'm being treated and i know for a fact i deserve better, but why can't i leave? I've had a very healthy upbringing, never experienced abuse before. I cry everyday and I tell myself im done each time but i can't bring myself to leave him, its like i still care about him even though he very obviously doesn't care about me. I don't know if anyone can try to shed some light on this or help me understand why i refuse to leave this situation, i deserve happiness but i won't allow myself to have it. What is wrong with me?

[ShySoul]

Why did you get in the relationship in the first place?

There was something about him that drew you in. And some part of you doesn't want to let that go. Despite all the bad, you still want to cling to the idea that there is good. You don't want to admit that part wPas a lie or that you've made a mistake.

People also have the tendency to repeat themselves and fall into a routine. There might be some part of you that is so used to it that you just accept it as the way it is. It's what you know, what you are used to. Leaving means opening yourself to the unknown. Yes, it would probably be better. But it's also a blank slate. You have no idea what will happen. That can be scary. I've seen it before, people staying with something bad because at least they know what they are getting as opposed to not knowing what will happen next.

Nothing is wrong with you. You are the victim here, not the one at fault for anything. Leaving an abusive situation is difficult and scary. You don't know what will happen, how he will respond. Women (and men for that matter), stay in situations like this all the time. You aren't alone in these struggles. Don't blame yourself for not leaving sooner.

Instead look within yourself. You know there is a problem. You know he isn't good for you. So take that step and cut contact. Block him out of your life. Don't think about it. Don't hesitate. Don't feel bad or wonder why you can't. Just do it. You have that strength within you, just believe in yourself.

[Cherylyn]

What is wrong with you?  You have low self esteem,  lack self confidence and low self worth.  You think that your boyfriend is all that you deserve and there's no one out there better for you.  This is why you tolerate his abuse. 

He's your boyfriend so it's easier to leave him than if he were your husband.  If he's your husband,  you'd feel very trapped.  You have an opportunity to flee so be kind to yourself by dissolving and exiting this abusive,  toxic and dysfunctional relationship otherwise you're enabling him.

[ShySoul]

https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/why_leaving_abuse_is_hard/

Leaving an abusive situation is complicated. It's not a simple matter of having more confidence or self esteem. You can have a good opinion of yourself, be strong in so many ways, and still not leave. There are lies and manipulation. There are justifications that go on in the mind. There are insecurities. 

The hardest part is recognizing it. You've done that. Believe you can do the rest. Be the strong person you know you are.

Hope you can find a way out and onto better days.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

So, what environment do you come from? Did you experience abuse growing up? Were your parents emotionally available? How's your self esteem?

Maybe you should read up about trauma bonding. It sounds like you have it too.

And as for accurate reason why, I think you are craving the attention, affection, or something else desperately. You are also possibility re-acting a trauma from your family home in the hopes of healing it (it does not heal this way). Only some introspection and therapy can help you get in touch with those feelings and figure out the rest.

Definitely you should cut him out of your life asap so that when you are doing the internal work, it's not tainted by the toxicity. Honey, he should be history by now. Don't waste your precious youth by acting like a victim to someone who doesn't love you.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others. Did you find him "masculine" when you first met? Do you belong to or do you know of any places of worship? Sometimes it's good to go there and ask to speak privately to someone and share what is going on -they often have appropriate resources.  Since it's a short relationship and no kids you might not feel as connected to women in abusive marriages with a family etc so maybe starting like that could help.  Also if there are women's support or networking groups around start to meet other women who do have self-worth -networking groups in your industry are self-selecting -for sure professional educated women are victims of abuse too as we all know but maybe you'll meet some women who do know their worth and you'll see how awful it is for you to stay with this person. 

When I was 20 and a summer intern during college I didn't have low self esteem but it wasn't great.  I met one of my fellow interns who referred to her classmates as "women" (in my world -we were girls lol) - and spoke of her professional plans -she went to a highly ranked college, she was brilliant, she had male and female friends but was strong and fiercely independent.  I'd never met anyone like her before -not a woman I mean.  She inspired me and broadened my perspective.  (Last I checked she is highly successful and yes married and had kids too).

Once you know your worth someone who would dare treat you with such disrespect and so regularly will be like an annoying fly you brush away the very first time it happens.  You won't find it masculine or exciting.

[smackie9]

Seek out a domestic violence crisis hotline for some free counselling. Talking to someone about this will give you some relief to clear your head, and to support you to get out of the relationship. I also suggest you reach out to family for help. When you are ready to leave, DO NOT tell him. Do not let him know of your plans.

I think you should do your research about how domestic violence works with the pursuer. I feel once you see the patterns, and how they get a hold of their victim mentally, you will be able to figure this out.

[Coily]

Stockholm Syndrome?

I agree you need to call a hotline to help your cognitive dissonance with this animal. Are you two living together? If so you need to pack a bag and leave during the work day. Be willing to abandon a few things, nothing is worth staying in a trash situation.

[SooSad33]

You sound young & vulnerable & they prey on these ones 😕 .

YOU need to find that inner strength tho and get away from this.

I'm older and have gotten to the point, I can see right thru people now... I pick up on their toxicity quite fast.  I ended something with a guy within a month, seeing his behaviour. For you, it hasn't even been a year, only a few months. You CAN do this,

Last thing you want is to be damaged by someone's toxic behaviour!

So, you write it all down- what you have to say and do NOT fall again to his words... You know how he is!

[catfeeder]

It’s not that you can’t leave him, you won’t.

Whenever you apply such helplessness to yourself, change the word “can’t” to “won’t” for accuracy and to take your power back. From there you can make a better decision.

[ShySoul]

21 hours ago, soggybread11 said:

My boyfriend had an abusive childhood and im 99% sure he's a narcissist, he emotionally, mentally and verbally abuses me, shows 0 remorse and treats me like ***. You're probably wondering why I'm still with him and i honestly don't know. I'm a very kind, loving person, I'm very confident in myself and who i am as a person, i dont have low self esteem, i dont rely on him for anything (house, finances etc), i'm pretty so i'm not afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life, i know i could find someone else. I have a lot to offer someone and all i want is a healthy relationship, im very aware this isnt that. My friends hate my boyfriend, they don't understand what i see in him or why I'm with him, they tell me to break up with him almost daily. 

Read this paragraph to yourself. Read it again and again. Let it sink it. Get yourself psyched up. Then take the steps you know you need to take.

"I'm very confident in myself and who i am as a person."

"I dont have low self esteem."

"I dont rely on him for anything."

Trannsaltion: You don't need him. He needs you to fuel his ego and vanity. Don't give him what he wants. Be the confident person you know you are. You do have self esteem. You are strong. You can do this.

 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

14 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So, what environment do you come from? Did you experience abuse growing up? Were your parents emotionally available? How's your self esteem?

Maybe you should read up about trauma bonding. It sounds like you have it too.

And as for accurate reason why, I think you are craving the attention, affection, or something else desperately. You are also possibility re-acting a trauma from your family home in the hopes of healing it (it does not heal this way). Only some introspection and therapy can help you get in touch with those feelings and figure out the rest.

Definitely you should cut him out of your life asap so that when you are doing the internal work, it's not tainted by the toxicity. Honey, he should be history by now. Don't waste your precious youth by acting like a victim to someone who doesn't love you.

She says:  "I've had a very healthy upbringing, never experienced abuse before".  So, it's difficult to understand why she chooses to stay in such a toxic, dysfunctional relationship. OP, I can only suggest you look to counseling/therapy to help get the bottom of why you choose to stay with an abuser.