Have you ever declined an invitation due to a grudge?

[Seraphim]

I hope you and your sister can come to peace. I could never imagine my life without my brother. He is very dear to me . I dearly wish I had a sister and I hope you can make up with yours. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  the rainy comment was her hair trigger and she became absolutely unglued like some madwoman. 😡 I was unfriended then friended which took years to be friended again.  All I wrote was that we really needed rain due to our prolonged drought and pow!  I was on her nasty list just like that.  She said it was rude of me to write about how we needed rain.  Huh?  Yeah,  go figure.  🙄 

She depends on me regarding cooking because my mother taught me to cook whereas she didn't teach my sister how to cook.  I also have all the beautiful serve ware for home entertaining whereas she does not.  I've accumulated quite the stash of beautiful serve ware over the years.  They're beautiful items for serving food at large gatherings.  I have everything imaginable.  It's all very stylish,  chic,  pretty and unique.  Ha!  I could've easily become a food stylist in my other life! 

I actually texted my sister and suggested we do lunch and meet in the middle so neither one of us has to drive more than 30 minutes.  My sister's house is an hour's drive away.  She suggested that I meet at her house for lunch but nope.  I don't want to be trapped there and if her obnoxiously rude husband is there to say something inappropriate to me,  I'll feel trapped.  No can do.   I want a neutral location without her family members hovering in the house with me there.  There's no privacy.

To my shock,  she was actually receptive to the idea and accepted meeting me for lunch.  I couldn't believe it.  We're currently figuring out a location and a nice restaurant in between our houses.  We shall see but I will say that if I'm made to be the scapegoat,  I will get up and walk away. 🚶‍♀️ I will be fair but I won't go so far as to being treated unreasonably.  I draw the line there.  This has to be a calm,  mature,  grown up discussion otherwise it will fail and we're back to estrangement.  Everything hinges upon her being fair and reasonable with me or it's not going to work.  I will be prepared either way.  I've extended the olive branch and we'll see how this lunch transpires.  🙏

If she's up to her old shenanigans again with using me as her mere utility,  exploiting me and treating me as just a transaction,  I will pump the brakes on the relationship and revert to enforcing boundaries all over again.  She has to show me respect and treat me as a sister;  not some community friend.  There is a difference because we grew up together.  A sister has higher status,  obviously.  I should be treated as such. 

However,  since my mother is of no help due to her chronic ailments,  I have a feeling my sister wants me to help her host the bridal shower and wedding because this type of planning and entertaining is extremely overwhelming considering the 300+ guest list for the wedding and over 50 to 100 guests at the bridal shower.  Go figure.  She has over 1,000 FB friends yet no one is stepping up to help her.  Would you call that real friends? 

She knows I'm extremely organized and I have beautiful penmanship.  I can do the calligraphy for addressing wedding invitations ~ if my sister's behavior had since improved.  We shall see what I'm willing to do or not commit to.  Everything hinges upon either her respect or disrespect for me.  I'll have a wait and see attitude.  I'm a good read.  If I sense or take a whiff of insincerity from her,  I'll have to back away. 

She'll most likely want me to cook for my niece's bridal shower since I'm adept at my culinary skills and I have all the fancy serve ware.  I've always hosted amazing parties even at my house.  I know how to roll out the red carpet for everyone and make sure everyone eats delicious food and plenty of it.  I'm not stingy.  I go above and beyond.  I'm very generous by nature.   I've done the same for my in-laws, too.  They all depend on me because they can count on me to deliver.  I never do a half ______  job.  In my other life,  I could've been a party planner and caterer because I know I excel at it.  Call me Martha Stewart.  I'm very crafty, too and love to make things (Sew, quilt,  knit, crochet, cake decorate, calligraphy, card embossing, stamping, scrap booking,  create greeting cards, jewelry making, etc.)  I love to create things.  However, I don't know plumbing,  electrical,  construction,  car maintenance,  car repairs,  house repairs,  etc.  I defer to my husband for all that. 

I agree family is not always supportive.  My mother is of no help and neither is my brother.  If anything,  I do more for them lately.  As for my sister,  I have a hunch,  she's suddenly desperate because she knows I'm reliable and the very responsible type which is a form of respect I guess.  No one depends on a flake.  Since we don't have additional sisters,  there's no father in the picture,  my mother and brother are useless and my sister is married to a jerk,  I'm all there is.  Her 1,000 FB friends are of no assistance whatsoever.  My in-laws are not helpful types either. 

I don't think my sister enjoys feeling overwhelmed.  She's counting on me to rescue her as I've done so many times in the past.  And, btw,  I gave her a free mint car for her 16th birthday.  No one can top that.

 

I don't quite understand your desire to extend an olive branch when it sounds like you have nothing but disdain for your sister, down to her very social life on social media. I do have to ask why are you offering or even extending the help you say you intend to offer if you seem to have a lot of sore feelings towards her?

It's like you want to reinforce that you're better than she is, you have an imagined height of care, thought, organization, and skills above her all the while pulling up years of grievances in how she's treated you. What are you after in the long run to be so involved despite the possibility of ending the relationship again?

She didn't believe you when you explained that your father was physically abusive towards your mother and you're hesitant to give signs of clear kindness as you have experiences of feeling used in the past. Have you actually forgiven her for being so careless and thoughtless or are you keeping score against her for being so dismissive to your own family's feelings?

You're grievances with regard to your father are completely valid and it would be very hard for me to move on beyond those things.

I'm sorry you did not receive much warmth from your family where you would have expected.

[Cherylyn]

34 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't quite understand your desire to extend an olive branch when it sounds like you have nothing but disdain for your sister, down to her very social life on social media. I do have to ask why are you offering or even extending the help you say you intend to offer if you seem to have a lot of sore feelings towards her?

It's like you want to reinforce that you're better than she is, you have an imagined height of care, thought, organization, and skills above her all the while pulling up years of grievances in how she's treated you. What are you after in the long run to be so involved despite the possibility of ending the relationship again?

She didn't believe you when you explained that your father was physically abusive towards your mother and you're hesitant to give signs of clear kindness as you have experiences of feeling used in the past. Have you actually forgiven her for being so careless and thoughtless or are you keeping score against her for being so dismissive to your own family's feelings?

You're grievances with regard to your father are completely valid and it would be very hard for me to move on beyond those things.

I'm sorry you did not receive much warmth from your family where you would have expected.

Because I'm giving her one last ditch effort to say her piece,  that's why.  I want to hear what she has to say.  Something gets lost in electronic correspondence translation whether it's text,  emails,  messages,  voice mails,  phone calls (2nd best),  Zoom,  etc.   Since we reside locally,  in person is best with facial expressions,  verbal dialogue and there's less hard feelings in person or so I've noticed historically.  People can explain better and more articulately in person.  I've compared the two and it's always better in person whether it's my immediate circle or extended family and friends, too.  In person is most effective above all else. 

I'm not heartless.  I'm willing to help her with the bridal shower and wedding if she treats me right.  If she shows me respect,  I'm willing to knock myself out for her because my mother and brother are of zero help.  She's married to a jerk.  All is not so rosy with her.  I'll do it for my niece. 

I can forgive dependent on how my sister treats me during lunch.  I can be kind again,  if her behavior has since mellowed and she hears me out, too.  Hopefully we can arrive at a mutual resolution as sisters should.

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I hope you and your sister can come to peace. I could never imagine my life without my brother. He is very dear to me . I dearly wish I had a sister and I hope you can make up with yours. 

That was a beautiful thing to say, @Seraphim .  Thank you very much. ❤️

Thank you for the past crocheting lesson, too! 🙂

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

That was a beautiful thing to say, @Seraphim .  Thank you very much. ❤️

Thank you for the past crocheting lesson, too! 🙂

Ultimately I want you to be happy . We all deserve peace after a hard life . 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Ultimately I want you to be happy . We all deserve peace after a hard life . 

Likewise @Seraphim  ❤️ Thank you very much.  Yes,  peace is great.  A hard life is indescribable.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I can forgive dependent on how my sister treats me during lunch.  I can be kind again,  if her behavior has since mellowed and she hears me out, too.  Hopefully we can arrive at a mutual resolution as sisters should.

👍💛😂

Good luck and let us know how it goes!  

[Cherylyn]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

👍💛😂

Good luck and let us know how it goes!  

It's in the works! ❤️ Thank you @rainbowsandroses 🌈 🌹 🌹 🌹

[yogacat]

38 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Hopefully we can arrive at a mutual resolution as sisters should.

 

I really hope so too!

Me and my sister are in a much better place now as well but it was more kind of like things just ironed themselves out that way. Keep in mind, too, we were estranged for a couple of years, but there was A LOT of tension between us during that time. We're there for each other again like in the past, it's been nice.

I wish the same for you and your sister. ❤️‍🩹

I enjoy hearing people resolve and get along with their families -  if not only because I know the difficulties and risk of there being smoother surfaced relationships with them. 

Life can be so sweet when you have a sister for a built in best friend. I'm really close with my brother and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. And my sister and I working back towards that, slowly and surely. I really hope that's how it turns out for you as well.

These things take time, often much more time than we realize.

I'm happy you found some resolve through talking it out all on here! Maybe you'll attend the wedding and this will all be put to rest and you'll be able to work together and weather past indiscretions, to remain a family, not just sisters.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I really hope so too!

Me and my sister are in a much better place now as well but it was more kind of like things just ironed themselves out that way. Keep in mind, too, we were estranged for a couple of years, but there was A LOT of tension between us during that time. We're there for each other again like in the past, it's been nice.

I wish the same for you and your sister. ❤️‍🩹

I enjoy hearing people resolve and get along with their families -  if not only because I know the difficulties and risk of there being smoother surfaced relationships with them. 

Life can be so sweet when you have a sister for a built in best friend. I'm really close with my brother and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. And my sister and I working back towards that, slowly and surely. I really hope that's how it turns out for you as well.

These things take time, often much more time than we realize.

I'm happy you found some resolve through talking it out all on here! Maybe you'll attend the wedding and this will all be put to rest and you'll be able to work together and weather past indiscretions, to remain a family, not just sisters.

It's great to hear there's a happily ever after for you @yogacat ❤️ 🩹  I hear you about estrangement.  No one enjoys being at war forever. 

I sense that my sister actually needs me not so much for only the free hired help but because even though outwardly her affluent life looks so enviable,  when you dig deeper at the type of humiliating marriage she endures,  it's actually sad to be entrenched in a resigned marriage like that.  It's sort of a stuck feeling as opposed to being truly happy.  A lot of times a "look at me life" is merely a facade because there's an undercurrent of unfortunate circumstances no one else knows or sees except me.  However,  only a sister is intuitive and perceptive to figure it out.  Friends?  Not always.  It's a familial thing. 

You never know the battles one must tolerate in any given household.  Battles not meaning full on fights but something "off" in a person's home life.  Something doesn't add up.

You and your sister are on the mend which is heartwarming to know. ❤️ 🩹  I'm happy for you, too @yogacat  In an ideal world,  people would patch things up,  make amends and take the risk to make the first move otherwise no one would and disputes would never get resolved. 

I think my sister was not prepared for me to cease contact for 3 years after her "liar" comment.  She didn't realize that I could give her severe punishment.  She didn't think I was serious nor capable of estrangement.   Perhaps she knows this is her chance to readjust and behave properly.  Hopefully,  a positive outcome will hinge upon her improved behavior otherwise we'll repeat estrangement all over again.  If she's smart,  we can sincerely make amends.  We'll see though.  She has a hair trigger,  volatile,  very impulsive temper like dynamite ready to explode at any second.  🧨 🔥💣🔥  In that regard,  she's actually reminiscent of my violent father;  not physically but with her cruel words. 

My sister was actually receptive to my overture much to my shock. 😮 I couldn't believe it because historically, she would predictably decline meeting for lunch and a walk. 🚶‍♀️ It was always an emphatic "NO,  I'm too busy!  Get lost."  answer.  Perhaps she had time to grow up.  We'll see.  Perhaps planning my niece's bridal shower and wedding is what it took to heal old wounds.  👰 👨‍⚖️ Perhaps my niece was inadvertently the catalyst to bring two feuding sisters together.  We'll see though.  I'm prepared for any and all outcomes either way. 🙏 🤞