Have you ever declined an invitation due to a grudge?

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you!   I actually forgave him for ME, not him.  What he said to me was hurtful but I tried to understand where it came from, HIS denial. 

However, I've never forgotten it, I just didn't allow my hurt about it to destroy our relationship because he was a GREAT dad.

We did eventually talk about it (my mom's abuse) and he came to understand it.  

Forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting.

It's for ourselves because honestly living life with all that resentment, anger and animosity especially toward family ultimately hurts US more than them IMO, it can destroy our hearts and even our souls if one is a spiritual person.

I realize I can't speak for you @Cherylynand you have to do what's right and best for you and your family.

But for me?  I couldn't live that way. 

In any event, good luck whatever you decide. 😀

 

It sounds like your dad was a great dad.  I wish I could say the same about mine.  ☹️ Even though my late father had some good fatherly traits in snippets,  I can't say he was even a good father because no child wants to see their mother repeatedly punched in the face through the years courtesy of her husband.  That cancels out everything.  He left us high and dry with nary a good-bye,  zero child support and left my mother with insurmountable debts.  An alcoholic,  womanizer, chain smoker,  wife beater.  A real cad.

I'll attend the bridal shower,  say my congrats to my niece,  give her a gift and then jump in my car 🚗 and go home. 🏡 I will not stay for the bridal shower though.  Whenever my sister home entertains,  her food tastes unpalatable.  She has the nerve to give her guests slops of supermarket chicken nuggets,  commercially prepared potato salad,  cheap yeast rolls,  frozen defrosted tin cake but the decorations are great but you can't eat house decorations.  In the past,  I did the majority of cooking and treated her guests well whether for parties or holidays. 

As for the wedding,  my husband,  sons and I will attend the wedding church service,  say our congrats to the nuptials,  give them their toaster,  jump in the car 🚗 and go home. 🏡 We will forgo the reception of typical banquet food consisting of a dry bird drowned in MSG packet gravy,  MSG rice pilaf,  hard broccoli / carrots and overly sweet cake.  That is doable. 

Same for future baby shower.  Same thing. 

I can forgive as long as there are a new set of enforced boundaries. 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You don't know my niece.  She's appreciative of anything.  She's very nice.  I'll attend the bridal shower and wedding bearing gifts and doing the congrats thing in person to my niece and later to both the bride and groom. 👰 👨‍⚖️However,  my family and I will not stay after the church wedding service.  I do not have to stay for the bridal shower.  I will wish my niece well at her bridal shower bearing gifts,  not stay and I will go home after that.  🚗 🏡  It works and it's very doable. 

Lucky for you she is a nice girl. 
 

How did she get to be so nice being raised by two such horrible terrible people one wonders. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I can forgive as long as there are a new set of enforced boundaries. 

What do you mean? 

Your sister said something hurtful due to HER denial of your dad's abuse, which she still can't accept!

My take on her comment was she didn't literally mean you're a liar, it was a figure of speech that reflected she chose/chooses to not believe your dad was an abuser and prefers to live in a perpetual state of denial and delusion.

You took it literally and personally and as a result you're carrying around all this anger and borderline hatred, want revenge, HER children (niece) suffer the consequences and believe it or not your children are as well in some form or fashion, witnessing their mom so angry and resentful.

So again what new set of enforced boundaries would have to be in place for you to let this go? 

 

[yogacat]

40 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I will attend.  For the bridal shower at my sister's huge house,  I'll say 'congrats' to my niece,  give her a gift, not stay for the bridal shower partaking in bridal shower games and eating the slop my sister serves.  My sister does not know how to cook worth a darn.  🤮  She serves deli chicken nuggets,  commercially prepared potato salad,  buys cheap yeast rolls and serves frozen defrosted tin cake.  (In the past,  I did the majority of cooking for my sister's parties and holidays.)  After my 'congrats' greeting to my niece and giving her a gift,  I'll jump in my car 🚗 and make the hour long drive to go home.  🏡

As for the wedding,  my husband,  sons and I will attend the church wedding service,  say our 'congrats' to the bride and groom,  give them their toaster,  jump in the car 🚗 and drive home.  🏡  We will not stay for the reception dining on typical banquet food,  overcooked,  dry chicken,  gravy from powdered mix,  MSG broccoli / carrots (ick),  MSG boxed rice pilaf,  hard cheap yeast roll with a pat of butter and overly sweet cake.  We can skip all that.   We'll be there for their vows,  say 'congrats' to the bride and groom in person bearing gifts and drive home.  🏡  🙂  That is doable.

Well, kindly, this is a bit immature and passive-aggressive, imo. Your sister is not holding a gun to your head, *making* you do anything. Everyone, including yourself, has the option to decline the invitation, as you are aware.

I still think there is a fear on your end of looking bad on social media and it is driving your decision, to be honest. You're assuming everyone is going to see the happy family pictures and wonder why you weren't there? Who cares? Why does that matter so much to you?

Either go, smile and be gracious for an hour or two, or decline and absent yourself completely. Trying to be falsely minimally polite just seems like a recipe for further drama to me. Either go and contribute something positive to the proceedings, or stay home.

I'm not saying you're all to blame in this dynamic, your sister sounds like a piece of work but, kindly, you're not behaving wonderfully either.

You have the right to feel the way you do. But your methods are not getting you in a better place with regards to your sis. You don't have to be friends with her, but can you get to a neutral place someday?

[Cherylyn]

12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Lucky for you she is a nice girl. 
 

How did she get to be so nice being raised by two such horrible terrible people one wonders. 

Yes,  go figure.  🙄  It seems I've noticed that even though some parents are horrible,  some offspring go off in the opposite direction and emotionally intelligent enough not to follow their parents' footsteps.  They draw the line somewhere and don't take it that far.  Funny how that works.

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well, kindly, you're behaving a bit immature and passive-aggressive, imo. Your sister is not holding a gun to your head, *making* you do anything. You and everyone else is free to refuse to attend, as you well know.

I still think your fear of looking bad and on social media is driving your decision, to be honest. You're assuming everyone is going to see the happy family pictures and wonder why you weren't there? Who cares? Why does that matter so much to you?

Either go, smile and be gracious for an hour or two, or decline and absent yourself completely. Trying to be falsely minimally polite just seems like a recipe for further drama to me. Either go and contribute something positive to the proceedings, or stay home.

I'm not saying you're all to blame in this dynamic, your sister sounds like a piece of work but, kindly, you don't sound like you're behaving wonderfully either.

You have the right to feel the way you do. But your methods are not getting you in a better place with regards to your sis. You don't have to be friends with her, but can you get to a neutral place someday?

Oh we'll attend both the bridal shower and wedding bearing gifts,  saying our congrats to the bride and groom but not staying for the whole thing.  We'll bow out,  make our exit and make the hour long drive 🚗home.  🏡

Yes, getting to a neutral place some day is possible if she is emotionally intelligent enough to sincerely offer a humble,  in person apology.  Until then,  there will be enforced boundaries. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, getting to a neutral place some day is possible if she is emotionally intelligent enough to sincerely offer a humble,  in person apology.  Until then,  there will be enforced boundaries. 

She can't offer an apology if she doesn't believe she did anything wrong, to apologize for.

My guess is she'd be shocked to learn you're holding such a big a grudge over this.

That's why I thought maybe taking her to lunch and clearing the air was a good idea!

Communicate how you feel, that her comment hurt you, let her explain why she said it and allow her the opportunity to tell you she's sorry for saying it and for hurting you. 

Just a suggestion, it's what I would do anyway. 

G'luck.

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

If you are putting congrats in quotation in regards to your niece it means you don’t give a damn. Going to someone’s wedding and snidely wishing well is really nasty . Don’t assume your niece or her husband are stupid. What you would be doing says more about you than your sister. Give that some thought. 

Also when I've attended showers you don't typically hand the bride to be the gift-it's placed on a table with other gifts or the host/hostess takes it from you to do so -so if  you specifically seek out your niece - will you wait if she is busy with other guests? -she will know or find out why you behaved as you did which is not a good look or a positive vibe for her -which she deserves, right?

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

She can't offer an apology if she doesn't believe she did anything wrong, to apologize for.

My guess is she'd be shocked to learn you're holding such a big a grudge over this.

That's why I thought maybe taking her to lunch and clearing the air was a good idea!

Communicate how you feel, that her comment hurt you, let her explain why she said it and allow her the opportunity to tell you she's sorry for saying it and for hurting you. 

Just a suggestion, it's what I would do anyway. 

G'luck.

Good point @rainbowsandroses 🌈 🌹 🌹 🌹 🙂

Yes,  denial and apathy are typical coming from narcissists.  They're famous for it.  😕

In the past,  whenever I've confronted her with what she said (and said to my husband which was awful),  she asked,  "You're still stewing."  You see?  That's a typical gaslighting comment to say.  Classic deflection and forcing you to change your perception of the facts is what gaslighting is.  ☹️  I know what gaslighting is because my siblings do it,  my mother-in-law (MIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) all do it:  Gaslighting.

Yes,  perhaps I can treat her to lunch since she has an upcoming birthday. 🍰 🎂We'll see how that goes but as in the past,  she could very well decline because she doesn't want to risk having a conversation with me when she knows she is clearly in the wrong. 

[yogacat]

14 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Oh we'll attend both the bridal shower and wedding bearing gifts,  saying our congrats to the bride and groom but not staying for the whole thing.  We'll bow out,  make our exit and make the hour long drive 🚗home.  🏡

Yes, getting to a neutral place some day is possible if she is emotionally intelligent enough to sincerely offer a humble,  in person apology.  Until then,  there will be enforced boundaries. 

Yes, boundaries are good.

In this case the only downside was that your niece got caught in the middle.

I would try to enforce them a bit more related to you and your sister's interactions outside of family events. I personally would suggest not reading her posts for starters since it seems to be a big key for you. My sister and I have had a bumpy road these past couple of years and seeing some of her posts just drove a further wedge. I just don't read them often and have started posting less (well, I barely post as is but it's worked for me). I know though that there are certain things I don't call her out on anymore because it was adding to tension and just accept her as part of who she is and she's been doing the same toward me.

Try to get rid of some of that venom. It's not serving you well. You don't have to be best friends with your sister but at least be at peace yourself (your niece won't be around forever!). Unfurl from the "correctness" or an apology. Maybe an apology isn't as big for a big friendship book writer than it is for others. The apology ingredient is just a side thing. Get to a neutral place without her apology beforehand so you "got past" what happened in the first place.

[Kwothe28]

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, getting to a neutral place some day is possible if she is emotionally intelligent enough to sincerely offer a humble,  in person apology. 

By your own admission, she is a narcissist. Dont expect an apology there lol. Narcissists are infamous by not doing apologies at all. At least not a sincere one. They only do it if they would need something.

My late mother always said how church wedding is the wedding and the reception later is only food and drinks for the guests. Here its usually like that. So in a way, yes, you would be at the wedding. Just dont think it would cause an effect you wish for. Its quite possible she doesnt even comprehend why you are mad at her. Again I dont think you should do any statements in your niece wedding and baby shower. Itss not about that but about celebrating niece. 

[Cherylyn]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yes, boundaries are good.

In this case the only downside was that your niece got caught in the middle.

I would try to enforce them a bit more related to you and your sister's interactions outside of family events. I personally would suggest not reading her posts for starters since it seems to be a big key for you. My sister and I have had a bumpy road these past couple of years and seeing some of her posts just drove a further wedge. I just don't read them often and have started posting less (well, I barely post as is but it's worked for me). I know though that there are certain things I don't call her out on anymore because it was adding to tension and just accept her as part of who she is and she's been doing the same toward me.

Try to get rid of some of that venom. It's not serving you well. You don't have to be best friends with your sister but at least be at peace yourself (your niece won't be around forever!). Unfurl from the "correctness" or an apology. Maybe an apology isn't as big for a big friendship book writer than it is for others. The apology ingredient is just a side thing. Get to a neutral place without her apology beforehand so you "got past" what happened in the first place.

Yes,  definitely enforced boundaries. 

Regarding my niece,  even though she is caught in the middle,  I would never tell her why.  That's her mother's job but her mother (my sister) would never admit to anything even if her life depended on it.  That's how narcissists operate.

I'm actually no longer on FB.  My husband is and he showed me her posts.  In the past,  when I was on FB,   she posted something about the rainy weather,  I commented that we needed the rain due to a prolonged drought and she went ballistic and impulsively unfriended me.  You see how unhinged she is?  It was an innocuous comment yet she exploded with furor and chastised me.  😡 🤔 She is mentally ill.  Normal,  sound people don't act like that.  Then she friended me just like that.  (Even though she lives a very affluent lifestyle,  her husband is an obnoxious,   shameful embarrassment so it's all a front whenever she only wants the world to see the good stuff and not the real dirt.  She's extremely insecure.)    When I was on FB,  I didn't comment at all.  I never posted anything about myself nor did I comment on other people's posts regularly and rarely at random. 

I'm sorry about you and your sister.  It sounds like you know what works with your sister which is good.  👍

As for the apology,  it's usually gaslighting but no sincere,  humble in person apology is ever offered which is typical of my relatives and in-laws. 

I did send my sister a text suggesting we do lunch since she has an upcoming birthday but if she declines it's back to ignoring each other's birthdays which are spaced closely together,  reverting to estrangement,  declining her Thanksgiving invitations,  declining her New Year's Day parties,  declining other events / occasions,  (note I'm the one who spends a ton of grocery money for her holidays & other parties,  does the majority of cooking because she can't cook worth a darn and she invites everyone and their brother ~ former neighbors,  current neighbors,  her teen friends friends,  girlfriends,  their children,  her teen friends boyfriends,  girlfriends,  their families,  my in-laws and then my husband,  sons and me who don't know anyone from Adam. 😒  Her version of entertaining is feeding everyone slop on the cheap 🤮  She serves penitentiary food).  I did extend the olive branch and if she declines,  then there will be an alternate course of action or non-action.

[Seraphim]

Instead of lamenting EVERYTHING down to the last exacting detail of what you hate about your sister concentrate on your niece . None of your niece’s wedding is about your sister. Period. Don’t involve your niece in this BS. 

[Cherylyn]

31 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

By your own admission, she is a narcissist. Dont expect an apology there lol. Narcissists are infamous by not doing apologies at all. At least not a sincere one. They only do it if they would need something.

My late mother always said how church wedding is the wedding and the reception later is only food and drinks for the guests. Here its usually like that. So in a way, yes, you would be at the wedding. Just dont think it would cause an effect you wish for. Its quite possible she doesnt even comprehend why you are mad at her. Again I dont think you should do any statements in your niece wedding and baby shower. Itss not about that but about celebrating niece. 

I agree,  narcissists would never apologize in a million years.  I agree,  they only apologize if it's self serving,  if they benefit from you,  if they can use you,  exploit you in order to meet their own ends and you're merely a transaction to them.  I know narcissistic types very well.  😒 

Yes,  your late mother was correct.  A church wedding is the wedding and the reception is to feed guests.  This is a big society formal wedding mind you with 300+ guests to serve at a sit down banquet dinner,  live band or DJ,  dancing and my sister and brother-in-law (BIL) have very deep pockets.  They reside in a $3mil house in an exclusive, very affluent community.  This is my sister's show,  her 'look at me' party. 

Oh my sister knows what caused the estrangement.  She may be stupid but she's not dumb. 

I did text her and suggested we do lunch just the 2 of us because my sister has an upcoming birthday.  Our birthdays are spaced close together.  If she declines,  then it's reverting to estrangement all over again,  ignoring each others birthdays,  my declining her holiday dinner invitations (where I do the majority of cooking because she doesn't know how to cook worth a darn),  she over invites people whom we do not know,  again for show and back to going our separate ways once more for months or years on end.  I've extended the olive branch and if she declines,  I have every right to decline, too.

 

[Cherylyn]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Instead of lamenting EVERYTHING down to the last exacting detail of what you hate about your sister concentrate on your niece . None of your niece’s wedding is about your sister. Period. Don’t involve your niece in this BS. 

I will navigate this with enforced boundaries.

[yogacat]

44 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  definitely enforced boundaries. 

Regarding my niece,  even though she is caught in the middle,  I would never tell her why.  That's her mother's job but her mother (my sister) would never admit to anything even if her life depended on it.  That's how narcissists operate.

I'm actually no longer on FB.  My husband is and he showed me her posts.  In the past,  when I was on FB,   she posted something about the rainy weather,  I commented that we needed the rain due to a prolonged drought and she went ballistic and impulsively unfriended me.  You see how unhinged she is?  It was an innocuous comment yet she exploded with furor and chastised me.  😡 🤔 She is mentally ill.  Normal,  sound people don't act like that.  Then she friended me just like that.  (Even though she lives a very affluent lifestyle,  her husband is an obnoxious,   shameful embarrassment so it's all a front whenever she only wants the world to see the good stuff and not the real dirt.  She's extremely insecure.)    When I was on FB,  I didn't comment at all.  I never posted anything about myself nor did I comment on other people's posts regularly and rarely at random. 

I'm sorry about you and your sister.  It sounds like you know what works with your sister which is good.  👍

As for the apology,  it's usually gaslighting but no sincere,  humble in person apology is ever offered which is typical of my relatives and in-laws. 

I did send my sister a text suggesting we do lunch since she has an upcoming birthday but if she declines it's back to ignoring each other's birthdays which are spaced closely together,  reverting to estrangement,  declining her Thanksgiving invitations,  declining her New Year's Day parties,  declining other events / occasions,  (note I'm the one who spends a ton of grocery money for her holidays & other parties,  does the majority of cooking because she can't cook worth a darn and she invites everyone and their brother ~ former neighbors,  current neighbors,  her teen friends friends,  girlfriends,  their children,  her teen friends boyfriends,  girlfriends,  their families,  my in-laws and then my husband,  sons and me who don't know anyone from Adam. 😒  Her version of entertaining is feeding everyone slop on the cheap 🤮  She serves penitentiary food).  I did extend the olive branch and if she declines,  then there will be an alternate course of action or non-action.

Oof, she was set off by that one comment?

Mental gymnastics for sure.    

Maybe she thinks because you do all the cooking and grocery shopping that you are “happy to oblige”.....I mean I agree that her cooking contributions aren't very impressive or elevated at all nor does her cooking prowess exist….You could let her know you guys could chip in and cook together and she won’t get a free pass to sit around and do nothing all day…Or, just not cook altogether yourself.

Overall though I think distancing yourself is good, for your own peace of mind. I am not sure what good extending her the branch further hope to accomplish in this situation and I wouldn't use it as leverage for choosing to attend/not attend events. It should be sound decision based on how you think that will affect you and if it's worth it regardless of her behavior or how you personally feel towards your sister and her actions. 

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was suggesting you would share with your niece why you are behaving this way. Saying, "I don't feel comfortable doing/attending xyz" or "I don't feel right about going" without involving others into our issue with someone else, reflects that. Silence or claiming "I'm busy now, can't come" without elaborating additionally shows you're not seeking engagement either.

It's hard, isn't it, when you can't quite count on certain relatives to be engaging or supportive. It kind of feels like being a stranger at times within your own family.

[ShySoul]

Cherylyn, just do what you are comfortable with. Find whatever balance is right for you. It's your life, your family, your feelings. No need to stress yourself out or do somethng you don't want to.

I wish you well in this. And I wish family could be less of a pain most of the time. 😉

[Cherylyn]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Oof, she was set off by that one comment?

Mental gymnastics for sure.    

Maybe she thinks because you do all the cooking and grocery shopping that you are “happy to oblige”.....I mean I agree that her cooking contributions aren't very impressive or elevated at all nor does her cooking prowess exist….You could let her know you guys could chip in and cook together and she won’t get a free pass to sit around and do nothing all day…Or, just not cook altogether yourself.

Overall though I think distancing yourself is good, for your own peace of mind. I am not sure what good extending her the branch further hope to accomplish in this situation and I wouldn't use it as leverage for choosing to attend/not attend events. It should be sound decision based on how you think that will affect you and if it's worth it regardless of her behavior or how you personally feel towards your sister and her actions. 

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was suggesting you would share with your niece why you are behaving this way. Saying, "I don't feel comfortable doing/attending xyz" or "I don't feel right about going" without involving others into our issue with someone else, reflects that. Silence or claiming "I'm busy now, can't come" without elaborating additionally shows you're not seeking engagement either.

It's hard, isn't it, when you can't quite count on certain relatives to be engaging or supportive. It kind of feels like being a stranger at times within your own family.

Yes,  the rainy comment was her hair trigger and she became absolutely unglued like some madwoman. 😡 I was unfriended then friended which took years to be friended again.  All I wrote was that we really needed rain due to our prolonged drought and pow!  I was on her nasty list just like that.  She said it was rude of me to write about how we needed rain.  Huh?  Yeah,  go figure.  🙄 

She depends on me regarding cooking because my mother taught me to cook whereas she didn't teach my sister how to cook.  I also have all the beautiful serve ware for home entertaining whereas she does not.  I've accumulated quite the stash of beautiful serve ware over the years.  They're beautiful items for serving food at large gatherings.  I have everything imaginable.  It's all very stylish,  chic,  pretty and unique.  Ha!  I could've easily become a food stylist in my other life! 

I actually texted my sister and suggested we do lunch and meet in the middle so neither one of us has to drive more than 30 minutes.  My sister's house is an hour's drive away.  She suggested that I meet at her house for lunch but nope.  I don't want to be trapped there and if her obnoxiously rude husband is there to say something inappropriate to me,  I'll feel trapped.  No can do.   I want a neutral location without her family members hovering in the house with me there.  There's no privacy.

To my shock,  she was actually receptive to the idea and accepted meeting me for lunch.  I couldn't believe it.  We're currently figuring out a location and a nice restaurant in between our houses.  We shall see but I will say that if I'm made to be the scapegoat,  I will get up and walk away. 🚶‍♀️ I will be fair but I won't go so far as to being treated unreasonably.  I draw the line there.  This has to be a calm,  mature,  grown up discussion otherwise it will fail and we're back to estrangement.  Everything hinges upon her being fair and reasonable with me or it's not going to work.  I will be prepared either way.  I've extended the olive branch and we'll see how this lunch transpires.  🙏

If she's up to her old shenanigans again with using me as her mere utility,  exploiting me and treating me as just a transaction,  I will pump the brakes on the relationship and revert to enforcing boundaries all over again.  She has to show me respect and treat me as a sister;  not some community friend.  There is a difference because we grew up together.  A sister has higher status,  obviously.  I should be treated as such. 

However,  since my mother is of no help due to her chronic ailments,  I have a feeling my sister wants me to help her host the bridal shower and wedding because this type of planning and entertaining is extremely overwhelming considering the 300+ guest list for the wedding and over 50 to 100 guests at the bridal shower.  Go figure.  She has over 1,000 FB friends yet no one is stepping up to help her.  Would you call that real friends? 

She knows I'm extremely organized and I have beautiful penmanship.  I can do the calligraphy for addressing wedding invitations ~ if my sister's behavior had since improved.  We shall see what I'm willing to do or not commit to.  Everything hinges upon either her respect or disrespect for me.  I'll have a wait and see attitude.  I'm a good read.  If I sense or take a whiff of insincerity from her,  I'll have to back away. 

She'll most likely want me to cook for my niece's bridal shower since I'm adept at my culinary skills and I have all the fancy serve ware.  I've always hosted amazing parties even at my house.  I know how to roll out the red carpet for everyone and make sure everyone eats delicious food and plenty of it.  I'm not stingy.  I go above and beyond.  I'm very generous by nature.   I've done the same for my in-laws, too.  They all depend on me because they can count on me to deliver.  I never do a half ______  job.  In my other life,  I could've been a party planner and caterer because I know I excel at it.  Call me Martha Stewart.  I'm very crafty, too and love to make things (Sew, quilt,  knit, crochet, cake decorate, calligraphy, card embossing, stamping, scrap booking,  create greeting cards, jewelry making, etc.)  I love to create things.  However, I don't know plumbing,  electrical,  construction,  car maintenance,  car repairs,  house repairs,  etc.  I defer to my husband for all that. 

I agree family is not always supportive.  My mother is of no help and neither is my brother.  If anything,  I do more for them lately.  As for my sister,  I have a hunch,  she's suddenly desperate because she knows I'm reliable and the very responsible type which is a form of respect I guess.  No one depends on a flake.  Since we don't have additional sisters,  there's no father in the picture,  my mother and brother are useless and my sister is married to a jerk,  I'm all there is.  Her 1,000 FB friends are of no assistance whatsoever.  My in-laws are not helpful types either. 

I don't think my sister enjoys feeling overwhelmed.  She's counting on me to rescue her as I've done so many times in the past.  And, btw,  I gave her a free mint car for her 16th birthday.  No one can top that.

 

[Seraphim]

I don’t mean to be mean, really, but some of the stuff between you and your sister is just noise. Fights and dislike about houses and silverware and food and rain is , noise and immature . Both of you in that way are being petty. The issue is you didn’t experience the same dad despite having the same dad. That is what you both need to get past. You could be angry that your mom parentified you and not your sister. That anger needs to be pointed at your mom not her . My mom used me as her confidant against my dad and it is WRONG. She never did that to my brother and it makes me angry. However, that is against her. Kids are NOT a parent’s confidant . That could be where your anger comes from. 

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Cherylyn, just do what you are comfortable with. Find whatever balance is right for you. It's your life, your family, your feelings. No need to stress yourself out or do something you don't want to.

I wish you well in this. And I wish family could be less of a pain most of the time. 😉

Thank you sweet @ShySoul.  You are a kindhearted soul!  ❤️ As I type,  my sister is receptive to my overture.  I've extended the olive branch.  I texted her suggesting we meet for lunch before her upcoming birthday as our birthdays are spaced close together.  Hopefully,  it can be a lucid,  calm,  mature conversation.  If she shows respect as a sister and not a friend because I deserve higher status as a sister than a friend,  she might even request that I help her with planning,  organizing and hosting the bridal shower with 50 - 100 guests and wedding with 300+ guests including sit down dinner.  It is a formal affair.  She knows I do calligraphy so she'll most likely request that I address each invitation.  She knows I'm adept at culinary skills so she'll ask that I cook for the bridal shower plus I have all the fancy serve ware for entertaining large gatherings.  I have everything and she knows it.  She's rather helpless without my areas of expertise.  I excel at doing Martha Stewart skills. 

Despite her affluent lifestyle,  her situation isn't great because even though her husband is a great provider,  he's a jerk or an __________.  You fill in the blank!  😒 She has over 1,000 FB friends yet no one is willing to help her.  She sounds overwhelmed,  stressed and desperate actually.  She wants me to come to her rescue and bail her out. 

For her 16th birthday,  I gave her a free mint condition car.  No one can top that.

[Seraphim]

My brother is a multimillionaire and I am not . I am never never never jealous and angry about anything he has ,ever. I am very happy  for him as he has worked his arse off for it . He is always happy when I am doing well . He told me anything my mom has to leave is mine because he needs nothing . 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Seraphim said:

I don’t mean to be mean, really, but some of the stuff between you and your sister is just noise. Fights and dislike about houses and silverware and food and rain is , noise and immature . Both of you in that way are being petty. The issue is you didn’t experience the same dad despite having the same dad. That is what you both need to get past. You could be angry that your mom parentified you and not your sister. That anger needs to be pointed at your mom not her . My mom used me as her confidant against my dad and it is WRONG. She never did that to my brother and it makes me angry. However, that is against her. Kids are NOT a parent’s confidant . That could be where your anger comes from. 

I agree with you.  My mother doesn't want to confide in my sister because she doesn't want to hurt her given that she's the baby of the family and was close to my father.  Well,  it created a problem because my mother's unwillingness to tell the truth to my sister makes me look like a liar.  Same with my brother.  They both don't tell my sister the truth because they don't want to alienate her which is cowardly.  They care more about their own skin and don't mind sending me out to slaughter at my expense.  They don't mind throwing me under the bus. 🚌

Yes,  like you,  my mother used me as her confidant, too and not so much with my brother and never to my sister.  It is very wrong indeed.  

Regarding this bridal shower and wedding,  my mother and brother are useless.  They are of zero help.

My sister agreed to meet me for lunch.  I declined meeting at her house because I'd feel trapped with her obnoxiously inappropriate husband and her 3 kids hovering over me.  Nope.  I want a neutral location where we can have a calm, grown up, private discussion.  However,  I will say if I'm made out to be the scapegoat,  I will get up and walk away.  I expect to be treated with respect as a sister.  I'm not a friend so I have elevated status as a sister.  There's a stark difference between a sister and a friend.  Yes,  I've heard friends can be close, too but this is different especially when it's about familial matters. 

I have a feeling she's desperate and overwhelmed and needs my help with planning and organizing with hosting the bridal shower with 50 - 100 guests and for the wedding with 300+ guests.  Funny how she has over 1,000 FB friends but none are willing to help her.  

I can execute everything because I know I excel at it.  Just call me Martha Stewart.  However, I'm not good at construction,  plumbing,  electrical, car repairs, house repairs,  etc.  I defer to my husband.  We all have our talents and gifts.  Perhaps she'll ask me to do the calligraphy for the invitations and all other details.  I'll help if I'm treated right.  We shall see. 

Btw,  I gave my sister a free mint condition car for her 16th birthday.    No one can top that. 

 

[Seraphim]

As I said all that other crap is noise. Stick with the main issue . 

[Cherylyn]

16 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My brother is a multimillionaire and I am not . I am never never never jealous and angry about anything he has ,ever. I am very happy  for him as he has worked his arse off for it . He is always happy when I am doing well . He told me anything my mom has to leave is mine because he needs nothing . 

I respect anyone who has worked hard for what they have.  However,  I don't respect those with an inflated ego and the types of people who throw their weight around as they treat everyone else as their mere minions.  There is a difference.  As long as people are habitually kind and decent,  I fully support them no matter who they are monied or no money.   I don't like people who grow hot and cold on me either.  When they're consistently and habitually HUMBLE, conscientious with respectful manners,  I'm very receptive.  I'll knock myself out for them.  I'm extremely generous.  If they're mean and flippant,  bye.  🖐️

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

As I said all that other crap is noise. Stick with the main issue . 

I've already done that.  Text,  lunch,  tremendous help with bridal shower / wedding,  all hands on deck, etc.