Have you ever declined an invitation due to a grudge?

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you are looking at it too much through your beef with her. This event is not about you and her. Its about your niece marriage and baby. Might be her only one in life for both. If you want to celebrate that, then go. If you think its about your sister and you, then don't.

Also have you thought that even your sister and niece wants you to genuinely be there? I kinda doubt your sister is some mustache twirling cartoon villain calling you to a wedding so she would look good. She might, there are people who are like that. But kinda doubt she would call you just for that. 

I don't know if my sister wants me to genuinely be there.  She's inviting me so she won't look bad if she were to exclude me from her invitation list. 

It's the same as whenever she invites MY in-laws to her house for Thanksgiving first and then as an afterthought invites my husband,  sons and me as a "Oh btw,  I invited your in-laws to my house for Thanksgiving several days ago and (a few weeks later) decided that you are welcome as well."  Gee,  thanks.  🙄 😒

My siblings,  mother and in-laws believe that I have to do everything for appearance's sake for all the world to see and to pretend that our family life is all about rainbows 🌈  and lollipops. 🍭🍭🍭

And,  yes narcissists are mustache twirling villains in order to make themselves be the star of the show and shine.  Narcissists are wolves in sheep's clothing.  They never want you to peel off their mask. 

[Seraphim]

Okay, but a wedding is about the people involved and no one else . If you feel it would be a shyte show and you can’t stomach your sister it is best to stay home . A wedding is a celebration of love, let your niece have that. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I didn't have intentions of contacting my niece.  I was referring to contacting my sister

I get that. I wouldn't misuse the occasion to make it about me.

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

It is your niece’s wedding and she isn’t a part of the hoopla, let her have her happy day. Everyone deserves a happy wedding day. It isn’t the place for a battle over generational trauma. 
 

It is probably best to stay home as it sounds all over emotional. 
 

I think you said your sister is a lot younger than you and didn’t see the abuse . All siblings are so different even if they have the same parents and the same experiences they are different people and process and experience the same experience differently.  My younger brother is 3.5 years younger than me . I remember experiences from 1970 onwards and he says he doesn’t remember most experiences before 1979 when he was 9 years old. In 1970 I was 3 years old . So he relies on MY memories of our early life . 
 

I would just stay home and send your niece and her new husband a card. 

Yes,  you are correct.  My sister didn't witness domestic violence.  Out of the three children,  my mother confided in me the most ever since I was 12 years old.  I know everything as does my brother.  The problem is,  my mother never confided in my sister and I often asked my mother why?  My mother said it's because my sister and late father were close because she was the youngest,  the baby of the family.  They adored each other so my mother was always protective of my sister's childhood memory of her late father.  The problem with that is it's a great disservice to me.  It does indeed make me look like a liar because my mother refuses to vouch for me and my brother doesn't defend me because he's a coward.  He's a coward because he doesn't want to alienate my sister and he's only concerned about his own position with her.  He couldn't care less about my welfare. 

You remember experiences whereas your brother doesn't but I doubt he would go so far as to call you a liar @Seraphim . 

I don't mind not being believed because everyone is entitled to their opinion.  However,  I don't approve of being called a liar whether verbally or in writing because being called a liar is crossing the line and taking it too far.   Being called a liar isn't petty _______.  Being called a liar is a major offense because my integrity is at stake.   

It's similar to someone calling you a thief,  a cheat, a fraud,  swindler,  shady business person,  etc.  No one in their right mind appreciates being painted as someone they are not and then you're supposed to party while the perpetrator gets away with murder.  Lather,  rinse and repeat.  ☹️

[Cherylyn]

59 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

My mom is a narcissist so I understand what you are going through. We all know they are insecure, and crack at any sign of criticism or non belief. They only cope with vindictiveness, hate, manipulation, vengeance, etc. There is no reconciliation. So having lunch and trying to convince her to set this aside is a waste of time. The only way to pacify a narcissist is to apologize and agree with them. That's the only way this will go away. I had to do this with my mother ONCE. I spoke my mind about why things are terrible between her and her partner. She didn't like it and went on a tangent. As soon as I apologized, it all disappeared. I didn't agree with it but I wasn't going to spend years bickering over it. Let her believe what she wants to believe is my advice.

I can relate @smackie9.  I, too groveled,  not once but more than twice to my mother,  siblings and my cousin.  (Another story about the cousin.)  I'll never grovel again and I'll never apologize for being innocent in the first place.  I only apologized in the past because I wanted to get back into a person's good graces.  I'll never do that again because it's humiliating and demeaning.  ☹️

When your mother went on a tangent,  that's gaslighting because gaslighting is manipulating the narrative with deflection. 

I agree,  as soon as you apologized,  all was well at your expense,  that is.  Been there,  done that.  I vow never to apologize for what I did not do which is asinine and absurd.  No more repeated apologies for what I'm not sorry for and not even for the sake of peace because I'm very expensive and my price is very high.  People can't afford me.

I've often heard people not caring if they were falsely accused of lying,  stealing,  cheating,  deceiving and betraying because they know who they are and they know their truths.  That philosophy is beautiful.  I agree.  However,  I'm not a robot.  I have feelings.  An insult is a painful insult through and through.  There is no way around it.  Being falsely accused of nefarious grievances is a tremendous hit to one's dignity.  It makes you feel less of a person which is quite unforgivable.  There are no free passes on this one.  Everyone simply brushes it under the rug as if it's permissible to get away with saying and writing whatever one wishes without facing consequences.  You're expected to pretend that it's time to skip in the meadow with chirping birds and butterflies.  This is what's so disgusting about it.  You're expected to play along to get along.  It's the game you're expected to play,  again,  for the sake of appearances and at the expense of your hurt feelings.  The price is too high.

 

[Coily]

The way I see it you should absolutely avoid the bridal shower, it’s clearly not a place or time you would enjoy. Those should be fully about the bride; while I think showers like that are weird, they should be free of tension and drama.

The wedding on the other hand, if you can humbly, kindly, and lovingly be there for your niece I think she would like to have her Aunt Cherlyn be there to celebrate this beautiful new chapter in her life.  This shouldn’t be about appearances, or this beef between you and your sister; this is about your niece and her husband. Even if you aren’t close to her, doesn’t your niece deserve to know that you wish her happiness? Put aside this fractious relationship with your sister and prove you are bigger than the petty trifles between you two for a few hours.

As for pictures and all the garbage that has been shoved into weddings these day, you can (and should) politely walk away. Going to a wedding isn’t about being a prop, it’s about graciously cheering for a happy future for the couple getting married.

Bottom line, go to the ceremony, congratulate the newlyweds either immediately after the service or at the start of the reception; and then hightail it out of there. Don’t linger for the meal, don’t engage with all the hangers on. If you can’t control yourself, then save the bride and groom a scene.

[Cherylyn]

And,  there's an engagement party invitation.  They have deep pockets and hundreds of local friends.  They are very flashy "look at me" people.  Masters at narcissism. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

And,  there's an engagement party invitation.  They have deep pockets and hundreds of local friends.  They are very flashy "look at me" people.  Masters at narcissism. 

I had none of those and wanted none of those but I know of many people who have multiple events related to a wedding and multiple related to a baby like gender reveal and also shower.  I don't presume they are narcisisstic or wealthy (I know of people who go into deep debt for all these events - or save for years).  I understand this is what you think of your sister and her family but if all those events float someone's boat - go for it even though it's not my thing at all.

[Cherylyn]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I had none of those and wanted none of those but I know of many people who have multiple events related to a wedding and multiple related to a baby like gender reveal and also shower.  I don't presume they are narcisisstic or wealthy (I know of people who go into deep debt for all these events - or save for years).  I understand this is what you think of your sister and her family but if all those events float someone's boat - go for it even though it's not my thing at all.

Oh yes,  it's indeed narcissism at its "finest."  It's all about show,  blasting every pic on social media (FB / IG) imaginable,  "Look at me,  I live such a fantastic,  amazing life!  I'm charismatic,  I'm charming,  I'm popular.  I'm better than you!"  😋 😛 They don't go into debt either.  They reside in an exclusive,  gated,  very affluent community where houses start at the minimum around $3mil.  It's party city,  fully catered,  some homemade food and very expensive events.  They live the high life and they're not low-key types.  They're extremely flashy.  They are members of the country club set which don't invite just anyone.  You have to be approved in order to be accepted.  People who show off are very insecure.  They have to impress you all the time.

They don't like it when you peel off their mask.

This narcissistic behavior stems from my sister growing up the same way my brother and I did:  Very poor. 

Everything about my sister is done big.  Big parties,  big social events always.  There's nothing small about it.  You would think Thanksgiving would be family only at her house?  But,  NO.  She invites her former neighbors,  her teenage children's friends,  their boyfriends and girlfriends,  my sister's friends,  their teenage children,  friends of friends,  current neighbors,  my in-laws and then my husband,  sons and me are just part of the wallpaper.  Same goes for her big New Year's Day parties.  Everyone and their brother is at her house.  The more the merrier?  It's a watered down crowd and we don't know anyone.  Every party is like a giant 4th of July party.  It's insane.   

Same for the engagement party,  bridal shower,  wedding,  future baby showers,  holidays,  First Communion,  all occasions,  events,  etc.  Everything is done enormously big.  It's the old Texan saying:  "Go big or go home." 

Funny thing is my in-laws are extremely affluent yet they don't show off.  They're rather quiet or so I've noticed.  I've noticed that people with more money than you can ever imagine tend not to call attention to themselves because they're self confident and secure.  They enjoy their lifestyle but they don't tell anyone about it.  They just quietly enjoy their life and live under the radar.  It's the ones who are below my in-laws' income who tend to be the loudest,  most obnoxiously "in your face" brash.  🙄

[Seraphim]

It is obvious you dislike them greatly so why not stay home . It is about your niece after all. 

[yogacat]

19 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  I hear you @yogacat.  Yes,  I've noticed my sister blasts away on social media (FB,  IG, etc) with abandon. 

If I attend,  it will definitely feel unnatural,  awkward and uncomfortable.  😒  My eyes will be downcast and I have a hard time looking people in the eye during bitter and resentful atmospheres just as anyone would. 

Right but this is a feud between you and your sister. I asked before. Do you genuinely want to be there for your niece? If so, then try to put your feelings aside for her sake. 

Your sister is not changing anytime soon.

My situation was a bit different when I chose not to go. It was a best friend that was getting married. Right before the wedding, she did something that hurt me very much. I didn't go because I couldn't genuinely be there and happy for the bride so I didn't pretend I was.

I heard from others that it was beautiful and I was glad I didn't go because the one person I would hoped I'd have a good time with turned out to be the actual bad guy. We didn't speak for YEARS. She reached out and apologized, and now we're cool.

Sorry, going back to you. I wouldn't decline going specifically for the offenders. Like I said, what are your true intentions going? For your niece? If yes? Then, I think you should go. Do what you feel is right in your heart.

Don't make this about proving that you're not a liar in your sister's eyes. You know you're not so there's nothing to prove. Just be. Show who you are vs. trying to convince someone of who you're not.
 

[Cherylyn]

38 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Right but this is a feud between you and your sister. I asked before. Do you genuinely want to be there for your niece? If so, then try to put your feelings aside for her sake. 

Your sister is not changing anytime soon.

My situation was a bit different when I chose not to go. It was a best friend that was getting married. Right before the wedding, she did something that hurt me very much. I didn't go because I couldn't genuinely be there and happy for the bride so I didn't pretend I was.

I heard from others that it was beautiful and I was glad I didn't go because the one person I would hoped I'd have a good time with turned out to be the actual bad guy. We didn't speak for YEARS. She reached out and apologized, and now we're cool.

Sorry, going back to you. I wouldn't decline going specifically for the offenders. Like I said, what are your true intentions going? For your niece? If yes? Then, I think you should go. Do what you feel is right in your heart.

Don't make this about proving that you're not a liar in your sister's eyes. You know you're not so there's nothing to prove. Just be. Show who you are vs. trying to convince someone of who you're not.
 

Yes,  this bad blood is between sisters.  Her husband, too but he's another whack job.  He has a historical,  chronic mouth problem but again,  the major feud is the "liar" comment.  It's hard to put up a stoic front socially when there's an undercurrent of hate because calling a person is hate.  No sense sugar coating it.  Calling a person a liar is not love.  It seems hypocritical to be lumped into a social situation when there isn't any respect involved.  You're treated like shyte but expected to do everything for appearances only.   

I agree narcissists will never change.  It's about radical acceptance which means no change.  A narcissist is a hopeless situation.

My niece is a fine,  young lady.  She is nice,  gracious and kind.  I'll give her that.  It's her parents who are some piece of work.  ☹️  They make me vomit.  🤮

It's much easier to decline a friend's wedding invitation or any parties associated with friends whether it's an engagement party,  bridal shower,  wedding itself,  perhaps future baby shower,  birthday parties and the like because there are no local familial ties.  Heck,  it's even easier to decline family invitations if long distance travel is required.  There are more valid excuses such as expenses associated with travel including air fare,  long road trips,  gas,  wear 'n tear on a vehicle,  TIME,  time off work for travel,  money for traveling,  hotel stay,  dine out meals,  possible rental car,  traveling hassle,  major inconveniences and on top of all that,  a not so cheap wedding gift is expected.  It's a lot so therefore,  it's much easier to decline invitations under those circumstances. 

Your case was an eventual game changer with an APOLOGY.  If I were you,  I'd thank my lucky stars knowing that your friend actually possessed remorse,  had a guilty conscience and did the honorable thing by telling you how sincerely sorry she was and that she held herself accountable.  I don't know of hardly anyone in my midst who would actually take responsibility for what they had done.  I would say zero.  How this world would be a much better place had there been more people such as your friend who actually apologized.  In a dream world,  it would happen.  In the real world?  Highly unlikely.  ☹️ In the end,  your friend made the right,  very intelligent decision to make things right with you.  Your friendship recovered because of her apology.  Without a sincere apology,  all relationships flounder and die.

Yeah, you're right,  attend,  head high.  Still it's hard to display a stiff upper lip as if I'm a robot without hurt feelings and the injustice of it all while engaging in phony,  idle,  superficial chit chat,  pretending to be merry and making every local familial social gathering all about only rainbows 🌈 🌈 🌈and lollipops. 🍭 🍭 🍭 It feels unnatural.

 

 

[Seraphim]

So DONT GO. Then you don’t have to pretend anything. Values or reputation? 

[Coily]

I retract my previous suggestion. 

DO NOT GO TO THIS WEDDING.  Do not have anything to do with this event all.  If you cannot humble yourself and be happy for the bride and groom on such an auspicious day, do not stir up drama. Which if you do go, I fear you will come across as the narcissist as you will lash out at your sister.

Do you want to give your sister fuel? Do you want to be simmering full of rage, waiting to snap and cause a scene? Which from your posts here, you are teetering on the edge of erupting.

So again, if you value your honor and dignity, DO NOT GO.

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't cause a scene.  I'm not the type.

The other alternative would be to attend the bridal shower hosted by my sister in her enormous house,  pop in for just a quick minute to say my congrats to my niece,  give my niece a gift,  not stay nor partake in the bridal shower itself and quickly drive home.  🚗 The turnaround would be fast. 

As for the wedding,  we (the 4 of us husband and 2 sons) can attend the wedding ceremony,  leave a toaster,  say our quick congrats and decline attending the reception which is a sit down dinner for 300+ guests.   We could just attend the brief church service,  say a quick,  rushed 'congrats' and immediately drive home.  🚗  We can dash in and out.  We could leave abruptly.  That could work. 

 

[Seraphim]

All the “ abrupt rushing “ is designed to provide a “ scene “ to be noticed and insult your sister without insulting your sister. Staying home and eating popcorn watching TV is a better idea. 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

All the “ abrupt rushing “ is designed to provide a “ scene “ to be noticed and insult your sister without insulting your sister. Staying home and eating popcorn watching TV is a better idea. 

Yep. Send a gift and be done with it.

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

All the “ abrupt rushing “ is designed to provide a “ scene “ to be noticed and insult your sister without insulting your sister. Staying home and eating popcorn watching TV is a better idea. 

No,  I can personally say 'congrats' to my niece,  hand over the gift to her at the bridal shower (at my sister's huge house),  make my exit,  jump in my car 🚗 and drive home.  I do not have to stay and partake in bridal shower games and my sister doesn't know how to entertain with good food.  (In the past,  I did the majority of cooking.  Whenever I've left my sister to her own devices,  she serves deli chicken nuggets,  store bought potato salad,  cheap rolls and frozen cake.  Yuk.  I have no nerve to serve my guests slop. 🤮)  My niece will know that I made the hour long drive to tell her 'congrats' in person and give her a gift. 

For the wedding,  same thing.  We (the 4 of us) can attend the church wedding service,  say a quick 'congrats' to the bride and groom,  here's your toaster,  jump in the car and drive home.  We do not have to stay for the dragged out reception dining on typical banquet food which consists of an over cooked dry bird drowned in mushroom sauce,  MSG laden steamed broccoli / carrots (ew),  MSG rice pilaf (yuk),  hard crusty roll with a pat of butter and overly sweet cake. 😕 We will say our quick 'congrats' and quietly slip out of the wedding following the church service.  My niece will know that we were there for the vows,  told her and the groom 'congrats,' gave them a toaster and then it will be the same for her baby shower in the future.  As long as it's in person and brief with boundaries,  it is indeed doable.  No one can say I stayed home because we were there to say 'congrats' in person bearing gifts.  We did not ignore my niece and her new husband.  😋

[Seraphim]

You’re doing that so you don’t get roasted not out of joy for your niece she will know that too. But carry on. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Seraphim said:

You’re doing that so you don’t get roasted not out of joy for your niece she will know that too. But carry on. 

I'll do what works.  🙂

[yogacat]

15 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  this bad blood is between sisters.  Her husband, too but he's another whack job.  He has a historical,  chronic mouth problem but again,  the major feud is the "liar" comment.  It's hard to put up a stoic front socially when there's an undercurrent of hate because calling a person is hate.  No sense sugar coating it.  Calling a person a liar is not love.  It seems hypocritical to be lumped into a social situation when there isn't any respect involved.  You're treated like shyte but expected to do everything for appearances only.   

I agree narcissists will never change.  It's about radical acceptance which means no change.  A narcissist is a hopeless situation.

My niece is a fine,  young lady.  She is nice,  gracious and kind.  I'll give her that.  It's her parents who are some piece of work.  ☹️  They make me vomit.  🤮

It's much easier to decline a friend's wedding invitation or any parties associated with friends whether it's an engagement party,  bridal shower,  wedding itself,  perhaps future baby shower,  birthday parties and the like because there are no local familial ties.  Heck,  it's even easier to decline family invitations if long distance travel is required.  There are more valid excuses such as expenses associated with travel including air fare,  long road trips,  gas,  wear 'n tear on a vehicle,  TIME,  time off work for travel,  money for traveling,  hotel stay,  dine out meals,  possible rental car,  traveling hassle,  major inconveniences and on top of all that,  a not so cheap wedding gift is expected.  It's a lot so therefore,  it's much easier to decline invitations under those circumstances. 

Your case was an eventual game changer with an APOLOGY.  If I were you,  I'd thank my lucky stars knowing that your friend actually possessed remorse,  had a guilty conscience and did the honorable thing by telling you how sincerely sorry she was and that she held herself accountable.  I don't know of hardly anyone in my midst who would actually take responsibility for what they had done.  I would say zero.  How this world would be a much better place had there been more people such as your friend who actually apologized.  In a dream world,  it would happen.  In the real world?  Highly unlikely.  ☹️ In the end,  your friend made the right,  very intelligent decision to make things right with you.  Your friendship recovered because of her apology.  Without a sincere apology,  all relationships flounder and die.

Yeah, you're right,  attend,  head high.  Still it's hard to display a stiff upper lip as if I'm a robot without hurt feelings and the injustice of it all while engaging in phony,  idle,  superficial chit chat,  pretending to be merry and making every local familial social gathering all about only rainbows 🌈 🌈 🌈and lollipops. 🍭 🍭 🍭 It feels unnatural.

Certainly you have a lot of animosity towards your sister. I agree with what's been said. I think it's best you don't go. One too many "don't goes" have gone down. 

But, it really means that you have to let this go. Realize that, and work on you. Live for you. I think that is the best medicine for the boo boos that have happened. Go out there and live life to the fullest or just sit still, sip a cuppa in your home alone, and reflect inward. Either way gives you a chance to let go and to move on.

The longer you hold onto, the longer you carry a grudge. And holding onto that grudge, all we do is hurt ourselves because, in my opinion, everyone moves on doing whatever they want while we keep thinking of the hatred. It's exhausting. Been there, done that more times than I can count.

You genuinely don't want to be around your family including your sister. It's part anger and pride on your part. Your sister seems to thrive on social media, all these posts of how happy she is. Stop following her or just hit unfollow or whatever it is. She has her platform for whatever she wants. It's who she is. Don't worry of what people on social media think because of what may happen regarding the wedding.

I mean, I still think you could have gone IF you really wanted to. But you're dead set on not going and not changing your mind for whatever reason. That's perfectly fine but let this extra stress leading up to the wedding go by the wayside.

It's not always easy to ignore people we do not like. It's not easy when someone we don't like is in front of us, dancing happily and showing #winning. That's when we wonder why our life isn't as grand. Grin and bear it? Not everyone goes through life contemplating "🐉Murphy's Law". They just deal with it as they go. 😉

[Cherylyn]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Certainly you have a lot of animosity towards your sister. I agree with what's been said. I think it's best you don't go. One too many "don't goes" have gone down. 

But, it really means that you have to let this go. Realize that, and work on you. Live for you. I think that is the best medicine for the boo boos that have happened. Go out there and live life to the fullest or just sit still, sip a cuppa in your home alone, and reflect inward. Either way gives you a chance to let go and to move on.

The longer you hold onto, the longer you carry a grudge. And holding onto that grudge, all we do is hurt ourselves because, in my opinion, everyone moves on doing whatever they want while we keep thinking of the hatred. It's exhausting. Been there, done that more times than I can count.

You genuinely don't want to be around your family including your sister. It's part anger and pride on your part. Your sister seems to thrive on social media, all these posts of how happy she is. Stop following her or just hit unfollow or whatever it is. She has her platform for whatever she wants. It's who she is. Don't worry of what people on social media think because of what may happen regarding the wedding.

I mean, I still think you could have gone IF you really wanted to. But you're dead set on not going and not changing your mind for whatever reason. That's perfectly fine but let this extra stress leading up to the wedding go by the wayside.

It's not always easy to ignore people we do not like. It's not easy when someone we don't like is in front of us, dancing happily and showing #winning. That's when we wonder why our life isn't as grand. Grin and bear it? Not everyone goes through life contemplating "🐉Murphy's Law". They just deal with it as they go. 😉

I will attend.  For the bridal shower at my sister's huge house,  I'll say 'congrats' to my niece,  give her a gift, not stay for the bridal shower partaking in bridal shower games and eating the slop my sister serves.  My sister does not know how to cook worth a darn.  🤮  She serves deli chicken nuggets,  commercially prepared potato salad,  buys cheap yeast rolls and serves frozen defrosted tin cake.  (In the past,  I did the majority of cooking for my sister's parties and holidays.)  After my 'congrats' greeting to my niece and giving her a gift,  I'll jump in my car 🚗 and make the hour long drive to go home.  🏡

As for the wedding,  my husband,  sons and I will attend the church wedding service,  say our 'congrats' to the bride and groom,  give them their toaster,  jump in the car 🚗 and drive home.  🏡  We will not stay for the reception dining on typical banquet food,  overcooked,  dry chicken,  gravy from powdered mix,  MSG broccoli / carrots (ick),  MSG boxed rice pilaf,  hard cheap yeast roll with a pat of butter and overly sweet cake.  We can skip all that.   We'll be there for their vows,  say 'congrats' to the bride and groom in person bearing gifts and drive home.  🏡  🙂  That is doable.

[Seraphim]

If you are putting congrats in quotation in regards to your niece it means you don’t give a damn. Going to someone’s wedding and snidely wishing well is really nasty . Don’t assume your niece or her husband are stupid. What you would be doing says more about you than your sister. Give that some thought. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/15/2024 at 9:47 PM, Cherylyn said:

Your forgiveness was beautiful. 

Thank you!   I actually forgave him for ME, not him.  What he said to me was hurtful but I tried to understand where it came from, HIS denial. 

However, I've never forgotten it, I just didn't allow my hurt about it to destroy our relationship because he was a GREAT dad.

We did eventually talk about it (my mom's abuse) and he came to understand it.  

Forgiveness is for ourselves not the person who wronged us because honestly living life with all that resentment, anger and animosity especially toward family ultimately hurts US more than them IMO, it can destroy our hearts and even our souls if one is a spiritual person and believes in that.

Forgivenessis is a way to release all that. 

I realize I can't speak for you @Cherylynand you have to do what's right and best for you and your family.

But for me?  I couldnt live that way. 

In any event, good luck whatever you decide. 😀

 

[Cherylyn]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

If you are putting congrats in quotation in regards to your niece it means you don’t give a damn. Going to someone’s wedding and snidely wishing well is really nasty . Don’t assume your niece or her husband are stupid. What you would be doing says more about you than your sister. Give that some thought. 

You don't know my niece.  She's appreciative of anything.  She's very nice.  I'll attend the bridal shower and wedding bearing gifts and doing the congrats thing in person to my niece and later to both the bride and groom. 👰 👨‍⚖️However,  my family and I will not stay after the church wedding service.  I do not have to stay for the bridal shower.  I will wish my niece well at her bridal shower bearing gifts,  not stay and I will go home after that.  🚗 🏡  It works and it's very doable.