Have you ever declined an invitation due to a grudge?

[Cherylyn]

I've been invited to a family bridal shower and wedding despite no apologies from several people after serious offenses committed two years ago.  If anyone did the following to you such as lie,  cheat,  steal,  deceive and betray you,  would you accept these invitations for the sake of keeping up social appearances for relatives,  in-laws,  friends and acquaintances?  Would you accept these invitations in order to keep the peace while knowing these relationships are dead?  You are expected to play along to get along.  😒 Note there are zero intentions to offer apologies nor make amends from perpetrators.  They expect you to accept what they did without any consequences whatsoever.  It's insulting.  There's zero interest towards reconciliation.  😠  I don't want to feel uncomfortable being with certain people after a major fall out.  It would be easier to decline invitations from friends but not local relatives.  Thank you enotaloners!

[smackie9]

Going or not going is just personal preference. They say to eliminate toxic people from your life, which leads to, how can the person throwing the baby shower or the person having the baby can accept those people who behave like that? 

Me personally have np declining invitations no matter what. I don't do baby showers or bachelorette parties regardless. As for a toxic person, if it's a big party I don't have to see them, I keep my distance. If it's a group, small party, hell no, I don't need to be around that crap. 

[Cherylyn]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Going or not going is just personal preference. They say to eliminate toxic people from your life, which leads to, how can the person throwing the baby shower or the person having the baby can accept those people who behave like that? 

Me personally have np declining invitations no matter what. I don't do baby showers or bachelorette parties regardless. As for a toxic person, if it's a big party I don't have to see them, I keep my distance. If it's a group, small party, hell no, I don't need to be around that crap. 

Bride and groom do not know about the 'bad blood' (discord) with several family members.  Grudges are with a sibling and cousin.  What if the bride is your niece?

[Kwothe28]

Oooooh, is it your sister bridal shower and wedding? 😁

It depends. Where you invited to somebody else bridal shower and wedding and your sister(or whoever person that offended you) is going to be there. Or is it that person events? I am asking because its OK to miss if its that persons events. After all, you are there to celebrate the baby or the wedding. And dont think you can do that while in dispute with bride/mother. While if its somebody else wedding and you are going to be there with that person, you can be civil for the sake of another person celebrating their vows or the baby. Its about that person, and not you or your sister.

On the other hand I do have a fresh story of a disaster it happened on somebody else event between 2 women there. My friends had a baby a month ago. Its a tradition here for a man to organize a celebration right after baby gets born. Anyway, sister of my friends wife and their cousin had a dispute from forever ago. Since they are both very volatile(one of them might be even certified crazy), and they got heavily drunk, a very ugly scenes occurred. Cousin called sister a "w word". And sister retaliated by asking cousin who the father of her second kid is. It was both hilarious drama and sad at the same time. Anyway, I am sure you and your sister are not like that. And think you should go if bride is your niece. But just be careful and civil and dont let it get away from you. 

[yogacat]

39 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I've been invited to a family bridal shower and wedding despite no apologies from several people after serious offenses committed two years ago.  If anyone did the following to you such as lie,  cheat,  steal,  deceive and betray you,  would you accept these invitations for the sake of keeping up social appearances for relatives,  in-laws,  friends and acquaintances? 

Nope, I would not go. And haven't with a past friend, and I have no regrets! Family, if it was really bad, same too.

How bad is the offense are we talking? Can you share a tiny bit? If not, completely understand!

 

[catfeeder]

I view showers and weddings and the like as being about representing my own wishes for the bridal couple or the parents-to-be. I won't contaminate that with any turbulence with anyone else. I'd also factor in any elders who are invested in the beneficiary of the event. If I punk out over a grudge with others, I wouldn't expect them to understand that and think well of me for it.

There is no 'wrong' answer, I simply speak for myself. I've showered many a couple or baby even while I'm not thrilled with their parent or other family member. I simply avoid them because this is between me and the beneficiary, and nobody else.

Head high, and focus on the beneficiary in a way that doesn't allow any side 'stuff' to interfere. You'll thank yourself for your own integrity.

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Oooooh, is it your sister bridal shower and wedding? 😁

It depends. Where you invited to somebody else bridal shower and wedding and your sister(or whoever person that offended you) is going to be there. Or is it that person events? I am asking because its OK to miss if its that persons events. After all, you are there to celebrate the baby or the wedding. And dont think you can do that while in dispute with bride/mother. While if its somebody else wedding and you are going to be there with that person, you can be civil for the sake of another person celebrating their vows or the baby. Its about that person, and not you or your sister.

On the other hand I do have a fresh story of a disaster it happened on somebody else event between 2 women there. My friends had a baby a month ago. Its a tradition here for a man to organize a celebration right after baby gets born. Anyway, sister of my friends wife and their cousin had a dispute from forever ago. Since they are both very volatile(one of them might be even certified crazy), and they got heavily drunk, a very ugly scenes occurred. Cousin called sister a "w word". And sister retaliated by asking cousin who the father of her second kid is. It was both hilarious drama and sad at the same time. Anyway, I am sure you and your sister are not like that. And think you should go if bride is your niece. But just be careful and civil and dont let it get away from you. 

My local sister is hosting her daughter's bridal shower at my sister's house.  My sister is the one who never bothered to sincerely apologize to me because it's the way she is.  She says whatever she wishes and you're expected to simply take it and keep moving on as if you have amnesia.  Remaining stoic is not easy to do after a person calls you a liar (after you've told the truth). 

[Cherylyn]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Nope, I would not go. And haven't with a past friend, and I have no regrets!

How bad is the offense are we talking? Can you share a tiny bit? If not, completely understand!

 

My sister called me a liar after I told her the truth about my mother telling me that my late father gave my mother "a present" on her 26th birthday.  Her 26th birthday present was a black eye.  My mother never tells my sister anything about my late father.  Just me.  My mother doesn't want to get involved because she doesn't want an argument, conflict or confrontation with my sister.  My mother is neutral and prefers to play 'Switzerland.'  My brother knows and he prefers to play Switzerland, too.  My mother and brother do not have my back. 

My cousin committed different offenses from several years ago.

[itsallgrand]

Same as catfeeder, I only go based on the people whom the event is for. 

Do you have a relationship with your niece? If so, is it important to you? 

 

[Cherylyn]

7 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Same as catfeeder, I only go based on the people whom the event is for. 

Do you have a relationship with your niece? If so, is it important to you? 

 

No relationship with my niece.  We seldom see each other. 

I'm actually concerned about my reputation if I don't attend.  If I don't attend both the bridal shower and wedding,  I'll be chastised by my siblings,  brother-in-law (BIL),  mother,  mother-in-law (MIL),  sister-in-law (SIL) and other extended relatives.  Most relatives and in-laws are local.  I'll be accused of being the scapegoat.

[Seraphim]

Well, you can’t have it both ways, right ? You can’t say I am not coming due to a grudge but then say it means my reputation. 
 

Decide if your values or reputation mean more . 

[itsallgrand]

18 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

No relationship with my niece.  We seldom see each other. 

I'm actually concerned about my reputation if I don't attend.  If I don't attend both the bridal shower and wedding,  I'll be chastised by my siblings,  brother-in-law (BIL),  mother,  mother-in-law (MIL),  sister-in-law (SIL) and other extended relatives.  Most relatives and in-laws are local.  I'll be accused of being the scapegoat.

I personally don't think social pressure is a good reason to do anything. That's just me, other people put more emphasis on conforming with the group on their lives. I'd only go if you want to and/or feel it is the right thing to do. 

Will it be meaningful to your niece to have you there? I'm sure it'd be nice, but I highly doubt most reasonable people would hold it against a relative they barely know or see if they politely decline the invite to the wedding. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

My sister called me a liar after I told her the truth about my mother telling me that my late father gave my mother "a present" on her 26th birthday.  Her 26th birthday present was a black eye.  My mother never tells my sister anything about my late father.  Just me.  My mother doesn't want to get involved because she doesn't want an argument, conflict or confrontation with my sister.  My mother is neutral and prefers to play 'Switzerland.'  My brother knows and he prefers to play Switzerland, too.  My mother and brother do not have my back. 

My cousin committed different offenses from several years ago.

All you were doing is being truthfully honest.

This is actually serious.

A physical event occurred, which should not have happened.

That physical event should of held more precedence. It's bad enough that, that did happen. Sure, you can't get your sister to say/do anything -- her feeling on it are hers, if she wishes to believe it never happened, so be it. That shouldn't make you out to be a liar.

So this niece is getting married and her mother is this sister you're referring to? Or, is it a different niece? How does the cousin fit into this? How does the niece feels towards you? Obviously she thinks highly of you if she invited you to her wedding. I only say that because my nieces are off to college and while we don't talk often, we both think very highly of the other. They actually have an issue with my sister (their mother) but that's a whole other story.

But, I don't know, not going because of the rift between you and the sister (or, that is what I'm getting) may be kind of rebuffing the niece so to speak. But that is really up to you. If there is bad blood between family members maybe choosing not to go would be best. But I wouldn't do it because you'll be accused of being the scapegoat; I'd do it because you are really uncomfortable.

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

No relationship with my niece.  We seldom see each other. 

Well, the way I view this is if you choose to go, it wouldn't be for your niece, it would be for your sister who given your acrimonious relationship, needed to invite you otherwise SHE would have looked like the "bad guy" in your family's eyes.

It wasn't a genuine invite based on her desire to actually have you there celebrating this event, it would be for HER, too keep up social appearances, etc.

Again, just my opinion, how I would view it.

Anyway, if me, I would thank her for the invite, politely decline and send a gift to your niece.

As for your family, I can't imagine them being so vicious that they'd trash you for not being able to attend, but if they did, so be, they'll get over it.

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

39 minutes ago, yogacat said:

All you were doing is being truthfully honest.

This is actually serious.

A physical event occurred, which should not have happened.

That physical event should of held more precedence. It's bad enough that, that did happen. Sure, you can't get your sister to say/do anything -- her feeling on it are hers, if she wishes to believe it never happened, so be it. That shouldn't make you out to be a liar.

So this niece is getting married and her mother is this sister you're referring to? Or, is it a different niece? How does the cousin fit into this? How does the niece feels towards you? Obviously she thinks highly of you if she invited you to her wedding. I only say that because my nieces are off to college and while we don't talk often, we both think very highly of the other. They actually have an issue with my sister (their mother) but that's a whole other story.

But, I don't know, not going because of the rift between you and the sister (or, that is what I'm getting) may be kind of rebuffing the niece so to speak. But that is really up to you. If there is bad blood between family members maybe choosing not to go would be best. But I wouldn't do it because you'll be accused of being the scapegoat; I'd do it because you are really uncomfortable.

Yes,  it's the truth and straight from my mother's mouth.  The mouth that was punched courtesy of my late father's fists besides the black eyes he gave my mother during the course of their marriage made in hell.  For years,  my mother couldn't afford to fix her missing teeth so she covered her mouth whenever she spoke due to embarrassment and shame.  There is stigma attached to domestic violence.

I agree.  It doesn't make me a liar at all.

Yes, this betrothed niece is my sister's daughter. 

The cousin is a different story with different offenses.  Both my cousin and sister are now close after a falling out with my cousin. 

I'm on good terms with my niece even though we're not close.  She doesn't know what's going on between her mother (my sister) and me nor does she know about my cousin.  My niece doesn't know about what her late maternal grandfather did to her maternal grandmother.  The cousin offenses would curl your toes. 

[Cherylyn]

49 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well, the way I view this is if you choose to go, it wouldn't be for your niece, it would be for your sister who given your acrimonious relationship, needed to invite you otherwise SHE would have looked like the "bad guy" in your family's eyes.

It wasn't a genuine invite based on her desire to actually have you there celebrating this event, it would be for HER, too keep up social appearances, etc.

Again, just my opinion, how I would view it.

Anyway, if me, I would thank her for the invite, politely decline and send a gift to your niece.

As for your family, I can't imagine them being so vicious that they'd trash you for not being able to attend, but if they did, so be, they'll get over it.

 

 

 

Yes, @rainbowsandroses, you hit the nail on the head.

My sister wants to look good.  Her thoughts:  See?  I invited my sister (me) and look!  I'm the bigger person!  Look how nice I am!  🤮

I agree,  it's for HER and HER show to keep up social appearances and blast it all over social media (FB), too. 

You view it very accurately. 

Yes,  my relatives and in-laws can be vicious and they'd trash me 'til kingdom come.  I wouldn't put it passed them to really let me have it.  They would have no qualms lecturing me about how wrong I was for being a no-show. 

[shouldhavelearned]

I have 

[Batya33]

I would go if the people being celebrated were people I wanted to celebrate or -sorry to be morbid -I'd go to a funeral if I wanted to support the immediate family/loved ones of the deceased even though others might attend who were in the "grudge" category.  

So - hypothetically - I have an old friend who is now involved with a man who is disabled -he wasn't always.  She is his caregiver and they are not married -she is doing this from the goodness of her heart and wow what a heart.  We have a mutual friend - well this friend is no longer my friend -I finally ended our almost 30 year friendship over 15 years ago because it was just too toxic.  If Toxic Friend organized an event for our friend - like an event to either support her -show her a good time -or like fund raise to help her continue to be the awesome caregiver she is and perhaps hire someone to get a break - I'd likely suck it up and show up even though Toxic Friend organized it (meaning if TF invited me).  Yes I might just send a gift/give $ but I'd want to show up for this other friend who would welcome the support.

I think if you want a relationship with your niece -and her future family - in the future then show up IMO.  If that's not a concern of yours which is totally fine then I wouldn't show up for "reputation" -it's not a work thing (where I would say -want to keep your professional reputation then yes show up).

[Seraphim]

15 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, @rainbowsandroses, you hit the nail on the head.

My sister wants to look good.  Her thoughts:  See?  I invited my sister (me) and look!  I'm the bigger person!  Look how nice I am!  🤮

I agree,  it's for HER and HER show to keep up social appearances and blast it all over social media (FB), too. 

You view it very accurately. 

Yes,  my relatives and in-laws can be vicious and they'd trash me 'til kingdom come.  I wouldn't put it passed them to really let me have it.  They would have no qualms lecturing me about how wrong I was for being a no-show. 

However, you have said your husband has your back so it won’t be that big of an issue . Just ignore what people have to say and carry on. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

I personally don't think social pressure is a good reason to do anything. That's just me, other people put more emphasis on conforming with the group on their lives.

I agree with this in general, although I do make exceptions for specific elders who are important to me. My relationship with them means more to me than anything else. They are worth shifting my perceptions in the face of some minor discomfort in order to see them enjoy happiness surrounded by full family and without strife.

As for anyone else's opinion? It's not on my radar. As long as I have these elders as my guiding light, my focus is fixed, and I am pleased with each outcome and hold no regrets. I don't view a private boycott as having any impact on anyone but me, and it would only amplify my stress rather than serve any other purpose but to upset those who I love the most. So I put my 'lovin' it' cap on, and I credit myself with finding enjoyment in every event that I opt to attend.

[Cherylyn]

39 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

However, you have said your husband has your back so it won’t be that big of an issue . Just ignore what people have to say and carry on. 

Yes,  even if he has my back,  the criticisms would be blatant every which way I turn given that I visit my local mother,  brother and in-laws every several months.  I would never hear the end of it.   Also,  my sons would want to attend since they like their cousins.  Only my husband and I would be a no-show.  This dilemma splits up the family.  My sister would feel giddy that my sons would want to attend while my husband and I decline.  She wants to make my husband and me look bad and label us as party poopers.

[Cherylyn]

My siblings and mother reside locally as do my in-laws.

On the RSVP card,  should I write a postal letter to my sister?  Example:  Dear  ___________ ,

We will only attend if you were to humbly apologize to me in person.  Then I will know that you are putting forth sincere efforts to make amends and reconcile our sibling relationship.  If you refuse to apologize,  we will opt out by declining both your bridal and wedding invitations.  Congratulations and wishing the nuptials all the best.  Your Sister,  Cherylyn

(P.S.  Please return my wedding china set which I gave you since you said that you would gladly return it if I wanted it back.) 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

My siblings and mother reside locally as do my in-laws.

On the RSVP card,  should I write a postal letter to my sister?  Example:  Dear  ___________ ,

We will only attend if you were to humbly apologize to me in person.  Then I will know that you are putting forth sincere efforts to make amends and reconcile our sibling relationship.  If you refuse to apologize,  we will opt out by declining both your bridal and wedding invitations.  Congratulations and wishing the nuptials all the best.  Your Sister,  Cherylyn

(P.S.  Please return my wedding china set which I gave you since you said that you would gladly return it if I wanted it back.) 

JMO but I think sending that will make the rift between you WORSE not better.  I highly doubt she believes she did anything wrong so in her eyes, there is nothing to apologize for.

Here's the thing Cherylyn (again my opinion based on my own experience with family abuse).  Family denial re abuse is very common and when you told her your late dad abused your mom, she went into immediate DENIAL because facing the reality that your late dad (who was also HER dad) was abusive was too hurtful, too painful for HER to deal with.  

So into denial she went and of course given she was in complete denial you HAD to be lying!  There was no other explanation because again facing the reality that your dad was abusive was out of the question!

So in the end, while her accusation was extremely hurtful to you, it may not have been anything against you personally, but rather her own inability and unwillingness to face the truth.

Again just my opinion based on the little you've shared, I don't know all the details nor anyone in your family and I sincerely apologize if I've read the situation incorrectly.

In any event, it's something to consider versus taking it personally and IF you can do that, then there may be hope for some sort of understanding and reconciliation, I don't know.

Family abuse DESTROYS, I can tell you that.   But heck if I can forgive my own my mom for the horrible abuse I endured from her throughout my entire childhood and into early adulthood, then there may possibly be room for forgiveness too on both your parts.

For your sake, for her sake, for your niece's sake for everyone in your family's sake.

Like is too damn short!

 

 

[Seraphim]

Well,  then decide grudge or reputation . 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

My sister wants to look good.  Her thoughts:  See?  I invited my sister (me) and look!  I'm the bigger person!  Look how nice I am!

53 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

My sister would feel giddy that my sons would want to attend while my husband and I decline.  She wants to make my husband and me look bad and label us as party poopers.

Your sister uses "appearance" and you not wanting to go to a social event as a means to make her look good, to put the "he said/she said" amongst relatives diffusing the situation.

Don't get involved in her drama. Your feelings are true and valid.

You're not close with her daughter. This is serious about being called a liar with regard to your mother's black eye. That's turning a blind eye to what your father did. Of course, your niece knows nothing and you don't want to punish her for her awful mothers behaviour either.

But you going sends the message ever since the falling-out with your sister, you've done an about turn and you're to blame for your sisters behaviour towards you?

If you really genuinely want to be there for your niece, and share this special day with her, then go. Otherwise it's just another "keeping up with the joneses" event.