How to tell him I need him to lead

[FailingForward]

I (34f) would love some guidance on starting a conversation with my husband (30m) in which I intend to tell him that I need him to step up as the leader of the family.

I admit I am a rather bold and independent woman. I have always been proud of this, but as I am getting older I am finding my desire to be led is growing. For context, I have always been the more serious partner while my husband is the more silly one.

I feel as though I am the one making life happen. I am the one to sign our kids (two daughters, 11 and 4) up for sports, I am coaching, I handle school forms and supplies, I volunteer at daycare, I manage our schedules, I manage our finances (I'm the only one investing and the only one looking to build wealth and plan for retirement), if anything breaks in the house I am the one to fix it or call a specialist, I am the one to plan 98% of quality family time. If I don't plan a family activity or outing then we would all sit home watching television every day, and often I feel like he partakes in activities not because he wants to, but because I want him to. There really are no conversations deeper than "how was work today?" unless I initiate them, and even then it feels like a mostly one-sided conversation to me.

I want to be fair, he does do his share of housework (dishes, vacuuming, laundry) and he works for himself doing construction. I am white collar and he is blue collar. But I feel like I work and do chores and then do so much more. I am feeling like I am the man of the house and it's making it hard to respect him, which makes it hard to feel connected to him, which makes it hard to be interested in sex or intimacy. He has a history of not receiving my feelings well, and while he has improved, I still find myself choosing to bite my tongue, and this is something I don't think I should continue biting my tongue about. I need him to hear me without being defensive.

Please share your thoughts. I appreciate you very much, there is no where else I can be so transparent. 

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, FailingForward said:

I am the one to sign our kids (two daughters, 11 and 4) up for sports, I am coaching, I handle school forms and supplies, I volunteer at daycare, I manage our schedules, I manage our finances (I'm the only one investing and the only one looking to build wealth and plan for retirement), if anything breaks in the house I am the one to fix it or call a specialist, I am the one to plan 98% of quality family time.

"I took over all leaders duties in the family. But now I suddenly remembered that he was suppose to be a leader". Basically you.

You are contradictory. You want him to be "The man of the house" while you simultaneously took over that role over the years. Yes, you can talk. But really cant see what it would change being that you took over and suddenly now remembering he should be "The Man" and how you "respect him less" that he isnt. Other thing is, you do realize that he is a construction worker? You have cozy white collar job that allows you time and energy to do other things. He probably doesnt have that energy since he works physical work all day long. No wonder he can only think about couch and TV in home lol.

This is not the critique on you. I do realize its hard to juggle so many things regarding home and that you want more help from him. But again, given that you took over and given the circumstances of his and your work, its dubious if you can get what you want in that field. 

 

[Coily]

Are you willing to step back and follow his lead? Or do you want him to lead your way?

This is a huge question honestly.

This may be a blanket statement, and a bit unfair without knowing you; but it seems as if you are someone who expects constant motion in life. Not everyone is; your husband comes across as a man who would like to watch the flowers grow; which some people maliciously call lazy. As he works construction standing down from constant motion at home could be a relief for him.

There may be part of your husband who has stopped trying or wanting to be the leader. Some could be from receiving criticism for not doing it your way, thus giving up on trying to assert his will as he thinks it won't matter and you'll just do what you want. (Kind of like the "What do you want for dinner honey? meme)

This is going to rub some here the wrong way, but have you thought about trying to be more "submissive" towards your husband? Putting him in the divers seat when it comes to decisions for what to do for family time, even if it's do nothing on Saturday. (for a month or so).

What it boils down to, is even if you disagree with his decision (assuming it's not fiscally irresponsible or dangerous), that you support it. Relinquishing this power will be difficult, he will stumble and make plans that don't suit you. However, if you want him to lead more; he has to be treated as the leader, period.

37 minutes ago, FailingForward said:

He has a history of not receiving my feelings well, and while he has improved, I still find myself choosing to bite my tongue, and this is something I don't think I should continue biting my tongue about. I need him to hear me without being defensive.

I have to ask, how does this sort of discussion go?

 

I say this as someone who runs my own business, I hold leadership positions in various voluntary organizations; and I know it annoys my GF when I step back and let her plan a weekend. I have to deal with everyone else's crap; when I'm having downtime with her I just want not to have to make life and death (and I mean that in a very tangible sense) decisions like I do everywhere else.

Overall, you need to slowly relinquish a little more to him and let him either rise or fall to the occasion.

 

[Cherylyn]

Having been married for a while,  I can somewhat relate even though @FailingForward our marriages are not exactly the same. 

I signed up for organized sports,  piano lessons which our sons wanted to partake in,  handled school supplies,  filled out forms,  manage our finances and suggest outings.   At the dinner table,  we discuss our work days and days in general. 

Like your husband,  I'm fortunate to have an extremely helpful husband regarding housework.  He even does yard work,  enjoys mowing front and back yards,  tends to our rose garden,  always ensures both cars have a full tank of gas as I don't even remember the last time I pumped gas at our local gas stations.  It's been so long. 

My thoughts are,  as long as your husband is a very decent human being,  very honorable,  possesses the highest integrity and treats you and the children well,  I wouldn't complain.  I'd feel grateful.  As long as a man is hard working and not the type to be inappropriate in any way,  shape or form,  again,  I'd count my blessings because so many men are bad apples.  Granted,  not all men are but I've lived long enough to know that once you have a good man,  hang onto him for dear life because they're like finding a needle in a haystack.  A good man is a rare gem indeed.

Your husband does housework despite his hard physical labor outside the home which says a lot.  I've known so many men either white or blue collar who would consider housework to be "women's work" and they would never lift a finger to help in a million years.  Be grateful for a helpful husband because they're a godsend. 

My husband has always helped me with everything such as housework,  baby care,  tending to our sons,  errands and chores.  You name it,  he does it.  He's right on it.  I can depend on him and it gets done.   Four hands make for light work.

If many wives had only what you're complaining about taking the lead,  they would trade places with you within a heartbeat. 

Each spouse has their strengths and talents.  I know nothing about construction,  plumbing,  electrical,  house repairs / maintenance,  car repairs / maintenance,  some technical / mechanical matters yet my husband is a jack-of-all trades and wears a lot of hats.  He does anything except he'll only help cook because he's not as good at cooking as I am.  He'll help cook and clean up but I do the majority of weekly menu planning for dinner ideas.  He defers to my penmanship because I'm neat and meticulous.   I like to make things,  sew,  quilt,  decorate cakes,  embroider,  crochet,  knit, etc.  whereas he's all thumbs.  He's not the crafty type.

Is your husband goofy?  Then ask him to dial his goofiness down.  Ask him to tone it down.  Ask him to suggest various ideas regarding outings,  date nights or family activities.  Ask him what he would like to do?  There is a way to be nice and respectful while requesting him to step up.  It's not always what you say.  It's how you say it. 

I will say that after a long day at work,  my brain is fried and after discussing our work days or days in general,  I'm starving by dinnertime.  I have limited brain space other than wanting sleep!  😴 💤  If I or my husband worked outdoors in all sorts of inclement weather such as blistering heat, 😰 under the sweltering sun,  🥵 in wind,  rain,  snow,  cold or any extreme temperatures plus constant physical labor,  we need to be cut some slack because at the end of the day,  we're exhausted and in no mood for a confrontation.  😡 😠

I know what you're saying though.  My friend's mother-in-law (MIL) is married to a fire captain and they have four children.  Since her husband is at the fire station consecutive days in a row every week,  he is never home much.  My friend's MIL does everything from pounding nails on the roof top for repairs,  raising four children,  takes care of all chores,  errands and the like.  She looks worn out because she has zero time for herself but she's very content because her husband is a good man.  He is faithful,  loves and respects the mother of his children,  appreciates his wife,  defers to her and they have a solid marriage even if it is taxing.  It's all about perspective. 

Pick your battles. 

Have a calm,  lucid discussion minus all distractions and see where it takes you.  Just remember not to sound like a whiny nag and you should be alright.  🙂  I hope he cooperates and will work with you instead of you taking the lead the majority of time. 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, FailingForward said:

He has a history of not receiving my feelings well, and while he has improved, I still find myself choosing to bite my tongue, and this is something I don't think I should continue biting my tongue about. I need him to hear me without being defensive.

How exactly have you worded your requests? Perhaps you could improve in that area. If you're saying things in an accusatory way like, "You never do XYZ. Can you ever take on some these tasks without me asking?" And also think about what must be done versus your choices which aren't mandatory. Such as volunteering at the daycare. If that's not mandatory, I can see why he would not be comfortable nor have the energy to do that. But school forms are mandatory so you can just say to him, "I have to give our younger one a bath, so can you please fill out the form?" That's a concrete request and there is nothing vague about it, which some people respond better to rather than blanket statements.

Also, don't think that your way is necessarily the better way, if you're trying to pack a lot of activity into an already busy family life. Just because you're home doesn't mean everybody has to watch TV. Maybe the family can work together on puzzles or Legos, have a picnic on the living room floor on a beach blanket, have each family pick a book or magazine and have reading time. 

But if you want him to plan something, say, the last weekend of each month, tell him you'd love it if he took that on because you think he can come up with some cool, different ideas that you've never thought of. But as said, don't pooh-pooh his ideas as positive reinforcement is the best way to have someone wanting to repeat the behavior, and happily.

Why isn't he saving for retirement? Does he have very little or no money left after monthly expenses? If he has some, maybe he doesn't know how to invest. What have your discussions with him about this topic been like?

I don't think it's healthy for you to think you're losing respect for him. Maybe see it as you're frustrated because you're the planner and he's not. If everyone had the same traits, strengths, personalities, etc., the world would be a boring place. And often, couples are attracted to each other because subconsciously they see their prospective partner possess what their missing. You say you're serious and you saw the fun he brought into your life, and he saw someone with organizational skills he's not so great at. 

Maybe you should lighten up, and maybe he'll be willing to step up for the necessary things if you state you're requesting it because you're tired and would appreciate his help. Making a schedule is another concrete way for everyone to know their tasks to make the week run more smoothly. Also remember your kids can do some chores within reason, like folding their own clothes and putting them away or hanging them up. And the 11 year old can vacuum. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

I'd make this a 'me' thing rather than a reflection on him. I'd treat him to a nice meal without interruptions, even if that means hiring a sitter, and I'd make this about telling him how much he means to me and how much I appreciate his hard work and all that he does for me and the family.

No 'buts' in any attempt to lead this convo anywhere else. Let him soak up your sincere acknowledgment. Let him take the convo wherever he wishes. Learn whether he has any goals, dreams or fantasies of his own. Ask encouraging questions to learn what conditions he believes will help him reach toward any of those aspirations.

Ask him whether he'd be open to spending more time together like this. Offer that the two of you can use this time to check in with one another, whether you spend it out on dates or at home. Ask him to plan and arrange the next time you'll spend together. Use that time to build discussions about combining your efforts to work together as a team. Suggest starting with the finances, which you'll begin doing together every month so that you can discuss your shared goals and investments along with any discretionary money you both take for separate savings or spending.

Bottom line, build a bridge toward shared interests, then inspire him to further invest himself in managing those. You can also raise you own exhaustion and ask him for his input on how the two of you can resolve it together. 'How' questions are important, because they enliven the rational brain to come up with solutions rather than defend against accusatory statements.

[chess103]

potentially try to get some help to take the load off you and see if that improves your marriage.

[Batya33]

Perhaps he thinks you overschedule your kids with all the activities and sports so he doesn't care to lead and hasn't expressed this to you -have you asked him for his input? I am not a Sports Mom for a couple of reasons -our son never took to team sports in any real way, I am not interested in all the overscheduling (husband and I are in our late 50s, son is 15 neither of us grew up overscheduled and yet we had such interesting and diverse childhoods and teenager years).  

My husband and I have a decent division of labor but we were thrilled to have me be home full time the first 7.5 years and I have now worked part time back in my industry (had 15 years under my belt when I gave birth) - for almost 8 years.  We know what we're good at so we try to divide it up that way and we try to keep the scheduling and lists to email so we can have more interesting and fun conversations.

Do your kids like all the scheduled stuff? Are you fun mom the way he is fun dad? Some of my friends' kids love team sports -so they say but I'm not sure they love all the time spent in vehicles, time spent eating crappy food on the run, time spent planning for the next meet/tournament/ pool party/practice/running to the big box store to find the right snacks for the team, finding the right private coach for in between games, and on and on.  But seriously some of the Dance Moms and Gymnastic Moms and Football Parents have kids who thrive on it.  But I'd evaluate if your kids do.  And how your husband feels about it.  

Also you kinda got what you wished for??

[Andrina]

Also, you mention all that time poured into the children's activities and running of the household, but not once do you mention any one-on-one quality time with your husband. Make sure you carve out time for that, and use that time NOT to talk about the kids. You can always Google fun topics to discuss like bucket list vacations, the funniest thing that ever happened to you as a child, three things you'd wish for if a magic genie appeared before you.

Sounds like you two need to reestablish an emotional connection. A good way is through loving touch. Give each other foot or back rubs while watching a favorite show together. If you have relatives who can watch the kids for a long weekend, take a mini vacay with your hubby at a nearby city.

Believe me, you want this to work with a faithful man with a high work ethic so appreciate what you have. You don't know what dating life is like nowadays. You have to swim through a swarm of sharks before finding someone decent. You already have someone decent, but every marriage can usually be improved. If he keeps seeing you biting your tongue and sees disdain in your eyes when you look at him, be aware he could lose the love he once felt for you. Good luck, and I hope you two can achieve a consensus that you'll both be happy with.

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

Believe me, you want this to work with a faithful man with a high work ethic so appreciate what you have. You don't know what dating life is like nowadays. You have to swim through a swarm of sharks before finding someone decent.

I agree,  good ones are so hard to find and if you find a winner,  it's like finding a needle in a haystack.  They're so rare and few and far between.

[tattoobunnie]

Welcome to being stuck with the mental load of running a household that society has spent years indoctrinating that it's the mom's job to do it all.

Read: https://healthy.kaiserpermanente.org/health-wellness/healtharticle.mental-load

It doesn't matter that he helps with chores; let me guess, you have to tell him what to help with, right?

Watch together: https://www.youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships

What I recommend, regularly going over this.  It's took decades to make them the way they are - there is no magic words; just takes time and practice to have them take on some of the mental load.  

It takes 30 days to pick up a habit. 90 days to make a life change.

Why are you biting your tongue?  Let them know calmly that you "feel unseen when ..." and "I feel unloved when ..."

[tattoobunnie]

Start with:

When you feel like Roommates in your Relationship: 

 

Stop Helping your Wife...

 

Reciprocated Validation: