What would you do?

[Scottyb0y89]

I'm at a crossroads and I can't figure this out for myself so I'm putting it out there to see what the public thinks.....

 

I met a guy, we got close, I could tell pretty quickly he wasn't your typical man. He had issues with his head, the way he acted was strange - I subsequently discovered he had bad ADHD.

 

In the beginning though things were good, he was almost the perfect gent with me, we had fun, we did things, sex was good (although infrequent) and gradually we fell in love. He would however not commit for a lot longer than I liked.

Things turned however when he did a spell in jail. Once he came out he wasn't the same, he was upset a lot, his head was in pieces and he dealt with it by smoking large amounts of weed.

I tried to help him, but there were many red flags, he took me for granted for months....I had many red flags but I was too insecure and blinded by love to leave.

We had always spoke about moving abroad and it happened....too quickly. It didn't work out, not especially because of me and him, but events happened while abroad that meant I had to leave and come home, he chose to stay.

He lasted another couple of months and then came back. We were together another 4 months before he decided he could not live in the UK and headed off back to Europe and the relationship ended. During this 4 month period his head was literally in pieces, there was no sex, no affection, nothing relationship like....I felt like a taxi to restaurants and not much else!

Since then all had been quiet...but after 4 months, he's been in touch. He's been having therapy and still is, he says he still loves me and wants me back in the long term....however he needs to stay abroad to complete therapy and can't commit to me until it's all done. I don't know how long this would be, and I don't know if I even believe what he's saying.

My head says I should run as fast as I can but unfortunately, I still love him.

Part of me really wants to see him through his therapy and hope that he will go back to being the fun loving, good time enjoying guy I met and fell in love with. 

I fear that a lack of sex and arguments about living situations would arise pretty quickly unless he can deal with his demons properly.

The other half thinks that I should say that he had his chance, ruined it and I'm worth more than the misery he gave me.

Just wondering what people think I should do?

[Batya33]

I don’t think he is a good match for you. For many reasons. 

[smackie9]

Yup love makes you stupid. Dump and run, hun. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Scottyb0y89 said:

My head says I should run as fast as I can but unfortunately, I still love him.

I think you need therapy. Therapy to figure out what trauma you are trying to recreate and heal via this man. Was your father around emotionally when you grew up? Did you experience abuse while growing up? Do you have a very low self-esteem and think you can't do any better?

The definition of crazy is doing something over and over and expecting different results. Going back to a mis-matched person will keep you in unfulfilling and mis-matched situation. Maybe it's about time for you to take a break from all of this and seek help?

[AuthenticSelf]

4 hours ago, Scottyb0y89 said:

My head says I should run as fast as I can but unfortunately, I still love him.

Why do you want to run?

Why do you still love him?

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

Therapy isn't like a car wash where you come out the other side all clean and renewed. It's messy, and most people suffer lots of fails in trying to apply what they've learned to real life outside the therapist's office.

I'd view this man's attempt to keep you on ice for the 'someday' when he feels all clean and renewed is just that--an attempt to manipulate you in service of a fantasy. While I wouldn't be punitive about it, you have other options that fall in between telling him he's had his chance, too bad, and putting your own life on hold to wait for a fantasy.

I would NOT reach out to him, but if he contacted me again, I'd tell him that I appreciate him recognizing that he took me for granted, but it's something I won't allow anymore. I've moved forward, and I'll continue to do so. If he's ever in my area and wants to reach out, if I'm still single, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

That would be my last communication, but meanwhile, I'd be out dating other men.

Head high, we all learn from living.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Scottyb0y89 said:

met a guy, we got close, I could tell pretty quickly he wasn't your typical man.

Yers, ADHD along with literal problems that led to him being in jail isnt your "typical man" lol

Its dubious why you would even want to pursue something like that. But messy people have uncanny way to find and bond with other messy people. Which means you need a lot of working on yourself so you would even realize how wrong this is for you as well as not to pursue something similar in the future.

[Cherylyn]

What would I do?  I would dump him immediately.  🙄 🤨

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, Scottyb0y89 said:

Part of me really wants to see him through his therapy and hope that he will go back to being the fun loving, good time enjoying guy I met and fell in love with. 

I don't know why you're talking like things were once so rosy at the beginning. You said he never matched you in the amount of sex you desired and it took him too long to commit.

If the only way you'll be happy with someone if they change in a major way, sticking around in a very iffy cloud of hoping is a very bad risk to your heart.

As said, your self-worth is so low, you've tricked yourself into believing someone like him is all you deserve. You don't only have one shot at romantic love in a lifetime, and love can't be the only basis of who is an ideal partner for you. He has many dealbreakers for women who have standards. Work on achieving self-love and create standards. In doing so, your success rate in love will be far better under those conditions.

[yogacat]

I would not want to encourage anyone to give up on someone they love so easily BUT this can drag out for years and you'll be on the back burner of his life waiting for him to fix himself.

What you see is what you get. I say that because no one changes unless they want to. Even with therapy, it's not a guarantee that he will become the person you fell in love with.

He's been to jail, for what, we don't know. He smokes weed to cope. He took you for granted for months. He's not the same. No affection, no sex.

What do you get out of this relationship? Really think about it.

[ShySoul]

Why did he go to jail? Was this all his fault or did he get caught up in something with others? Was it something major and dangerous or minor?

It sounds like something happened to him that caused him to change. Not saying this is what happened, but going to jail can have long term and negative affects on a persons mental health. If he was already having problems processing things, this likely made it worse. 

https://www.prisonpolicy.org/blog/2021/05/13/mentalhealthimpacts/

I do believe he was a good person to start, a gentleman as you called him. But a person dealing with mental stresses may not have the ability to provide the same level of support that is needed in a relationship. He needs to resolve what is going on inside of him first, before he can have a healthy relationship with anyone. And you both should realize it's not a quick fix. There will be ups and downs even when the therapy is over. Mental health is something you battle everyday, some days being better then others. 

The question is what is your heart telling you? Does it really believe it is over? Does it not believe he can get better? Or does it still hold hope?  Does it believe he can be the person he once was? Whatever you believe in the core of your being, after looking at all the facts and the entirety of who this person has been to you, that's what you should follow. 

[Batya33]

If you want to help him offer to be in touch if he needs a referral for a different type of therapist or a name of a therapist if that is something you think you can offer -if you have those sorts of connections.  If you don't walk away and if you're so inclined volunteer with or donate to programs that help ex cons rehabilitate.  But I see your motive as he;ll go through a car wash type therapy and he'll be fun, clean and not tempted to commit crimes and won't commit crimes.  Not a reason to wait around whatever your heart is telling you.  Head all the way in this situation.

Be stone cold practical as he could bring you down with him and you could be in imminent danger associating with a person who makes these choices and is an ex con.  There are other fun people out there who are not ex cons who treated you like garbage. 

 

[ShySoul]

If you feel being with him puts you in danger physically or emotionally, don't be with him.

If you sincerely believe he is making the effort to be better, then trust your gut. 

There are people who do horrible things and should stay locked up who aren't suitable for a relationship. There are people who go to jail and experience a change and strive to be better. There are people who struggle with mental health upon being release, who have trouble readjusting. And there are people who go jail when they are innocent. How you should treat this really varies with what kind of person he is and you're the best judge of his character.

We don't know him or what he has been through. We don't know why he was in jail or how hard he is working to turn his life around. You do.

 

[ShySoul]

Finding this interesting - a discussion with guys who have been in prison and the issues they have had with relationships coming out. 

 

[Capricorn3]

What would I do?  With that many red flags right from the get-go, I wouldn't have got involved in the first place.  I would head for the hills so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. You can do way way better. Why choose such a mess?

[ShySoul]

On 8/15/2024 at 5:51 AM, Scottyb0y89 said:

In the beginning though things were good, he was almost the perfect gent with me, we had fun, we did things, sex was good (although infrequent) and gradually we fell in love.

A perfect gentleman, having fun, good sex, falling in love.... such red flags at the start of the relationship. 🙄

The problem started after the jail time. It changed something in him. The key here is why did he go and what happened to him. And it's if he can make the effort to over come his demons. 

Think it's also important note that he has chosen to go to therapy and seek help. He chose to walk away rather then stay and hurt the person more. He seems to be trying to be better. 

On 8/15/2024 at 5:51 AM, Scottyb0y89 said:

Just wondering what people think I should do?

Wait. You don't have to make any kind of decision now. See how the therapy goes. See if he really is trying to be the person he was at the start. Let him prove himself to you. You don't have to be in a relationship, you can talk and see if he is behaving better. See if he gives you the attention and affection that was lacking. If he can manage to do that, then you could think of a relationship.

Or if he doesn't change and shows himself to be the selfish person he became, you'll know to walk away. He'll have blown his chance and shown his real colors.

If you are feeling conflicted, it's because both sides have valid arguments. So listen to both sides. You are worth more then he was showing, so don't take that kind of treatment. But there is a chance that with proper help he can overcome what troubled him. So see if that can happen. There is no rush to decide, you can let things play out for now. The right answer will come to you when its time.

[yogacat]

Jail incident aside,

It doesn't matter much.

He is going to be staying abroad and can't commit to you. That is what he's told you. He's not asking you to wait for him, he is giving you the green light to move on with your life. Because from the sound of it, it doesn't seem like he cares one way or the other what you do.

He's done ALL your thinking for you! He's not wanting to be together in a way that would include you moving closer to him emotionally or geographically from what it sounds like.

Those are not signs of someone that wants to work things out.

How do you even know that this therapy isn't just a guise for him to move on to someone else? Or, something related to his jail time? How much do you know about him? Of course we always want to give the one we love the benefit of the doubt and I'm sure he probably is getting therapy but for whatever issues he has, they are what will push him further away from you. It's clear he wasn't acknowledging or dealing with them when he was with you which is why everything fell apart.

On a brighter note, him getting therapy will be very good for him because he will heal from that jail experience and his ADHD. He will become a better person. But, as you can already see, he has to forego any obligations, friendships, needs and wants right now.

He needs to be away from you to address his "issues." Maybe this is the best gift you can give to him.... His freedom.

As for you, there is nothing much to work with here. I am afraid you will need to kindly wake up and let reality sink in.

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

Those are not signs of someone that wants to work things out.

On 8/15/2024 at 5:51 AM, Scottyb0y89 said:

but after 4 months, he's been in touch. He's been having therapy and still is, he says he still loves me and wants me back in the long term....however he needs to stay abroad to complete therapy and can't commit to me until it's all done.

He made the first step in reaching out and telling her he is getting help. He said he loves her and wants her back. Seems like there is still some hope on his side, even if his current status makes him unable to fully commit at this time. Which is actually for the best. Let's him take the time to recover and see what he needs to change about himself, lets her figure out if she can emotional handle it. 

Scottyb089, no rush. You don't have to have anything to do with him if you don't want to. You don't have to give up on it all and move on. You don't have to figure it out now. When something is stressing you out or causing mixed feelings, sometimes it's good to just not think about it. Take a break. The right answer for you will come to you. Just take your time and see what happens.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

On a brighter note, him getting therapy will be very good for him because he will heal from that jail experience and his ADHD. He will become a better person. But, as you can already see, he has to forego any obligations, friendships, needs and wants right now.

He needs to be away from you to address his "issues." Maybe this is the best gift you can give to him.... His freedom.

As for you, there is nothing much to work with here. I am afraid you will need to kindly wake up and let reality sink in.

I agree.  I would also absolutely ignore any expressions of love as any basis at all to remain connected with any future potential for a romantic relationship. Years from now it might be nice to be in touch and catch up if he has changed his life and lifestyle and behaviors and wish him well.  

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

He made the first step in reaching out and telling her he is getting help. He said he loves her and wants her back. Seems like there is still some hope on his side, even if his current status makes him unable to fully commit at this time. Which is actually for the best. Let's him take the time to recover and see what he needs to change about himself, lets her figure out if she can emotional handle it. 

Scottyb089, no rush. You don't have to have anything to do with him if you don't want to. You don't have to give up on it all and move on. You don't have to figure it out now. When something is stressing you out or causing mixed feelings, sometimes it's good to just not think about it. Take a break. The right answer for you will come to you. Just take your time and see what happens.

Shys he took her for granted for months, he left her in Europe, he ignored her for 4 months then said he needs to stay abroad to complete therapy and can't commit to her until it's all done. What is she  suppose to do in meantime if he doesn't care to be together in a relationship with her?

He expects her to wait for him (even implies that) as if she's an option. He has other options or only one or only her. He doesn't care to be together now with her or whether he does but didn't admit it. So basically Shys I hear of her to put her life on hold until his therapy is complete which might be forever or until he finds someone else. This puts her last as if he gets his life in line then wants it for himself not with her but maybe with her. Or she moves then he wants her but she doesn't want him. It's all circuitous with him possibly moving the goal posts. 

[ShySoul]

20 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Shys he took her for granted for months, he left her in Europe, he ignored her for 4 months

On 8/15/2024 at 5:51 AM, Scottyb0y89 said:

but events happened while abroad that meant I had to leave and come home, he chose to stay.

He lasted another couple of months and then came back. We were together another 4 months before he decided he could not live in the UK and headed off back to Europe and the relationship ended. During this 4 month period his head was literally in pieces

We don't know what those events were. She originally left to back home. She left him where he was at, not the other way around. It could have been nothing to do with the two of them as a couple. It could have been family, finances, work, or anything else. And he followed her back.

His "head was literally in pieces." We don't know the mental state he was in. We don't know what he was going through internally. Yes, he was wrong to have treated her poorly. Yes, that shouldn't be forgotten. But maybe whatever was going on internaly was causing him to lash out at the people closet to him, a defensive mechanism to push people away? Maybe leaving her to go back to Europe was his way of helping her, of separating her from his issues until he could get help and resolve them?

31 minutes ago, yogacat said:

hear of her to put her life on hold until his therapy is complete which might be forever or until he finds someone else. This puts her last as if he gets his life in line then wants it for himself not with her but maybe with her.

I don't see him anywhere even thinking about finding someone else. Seems like she's the only one he's been interested in.

I'm not saying put her life on hold and wait for him. I'm saying to go on with life and let what happens happen. If she meets someone else, go with it. If she doesn't feel like giving up hope, don't give up hope. They can stay in touch and be friends. They can care about and support each other. He can demonstrate he has changed. They can both take care of their own lives and situations while still interacting.

This isn't an ultimatum. It doesn't have to be chose him or forget it. This can be an ongoing journey for the both of them that plays out however it is suppose to play out. 

"I do my thing and you do your thing. I am I and you are you. If in the end we end up together, it's beautiful.”

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

We don't know what those events were. She originally left to back home. She left him where he was at, not the other way around. It could have been nothing to do with the two of them as a couple. It could have been family, finances, work, or anything else. And he followed her back.

His "head was literally in pieces." We don't know the mental state he was in. We don't know what he was going through internally. Yes, he was wrong to have treated her poorly. Yes, that shouldn't be forgotten. But maybe whatever was going on internaly was causing him to lash out at the people closet to him, a defensive mechanism to push people away? Maybe leaving her to go back to Europe was his way of helping her, of separating her from his issues until he could get help and resolve them?

I don't see him anywhere even thinking about finding someone else. Seems like she's the only one he's been interested in.

I'm not saying put her life on hold and wait for him. I'm saying to go on with life and let what happens happen. If she meets someone else, go with it. If she doesn't feel like giving up hope, don't give up hope. They can stay in touch and be friends. They can care about and support each other. He can demonstrate he has changed. They can both take care of their own lives and situations while still interacting.

This isn't an ultimatum. It doesn't have to be chose him or forget it. This can be an ongoing journey for the both of them that plays out however it is suppose to play out. 

"I do my thing and you do your thing. I am I and you are you. If in the end we end up together, it's beautiful.”

Well, I must confess, you make a beautifully compelling case!🤗

Your approach has the better path forward for the following: the unknown eventual result, in lieu of the known supportiveness within the unknown of the future. I think that is lovely!

Alas, @Scottyb0y89feels/is torn.

This guy has not treated the relationship as a priority. Additionally, he's left her twice now - once in Europe, and again when he chose to go back to Europe instead of working on their relationship. 

Now he's doing it again...

He is saying to her he wants to be with her, just not right now.

You are right @ShySoul, we don't know what happened between them and why they broke up. But my concern is that he left her when he was in a bad state of mind and didn't try to work things out with her before going back to Europe. Now he has placed her in this state of limbo. 

Maybe he doesn't trust his decision making at the moment. Maybe he wants to make sure it's what he truly wants rather than wanting it out of fear of losing her. Maybe he wants to make sure he won't repeat his previous behavior. Maybe he just wants to take the time to work on his own issues before reintroducing someone else into his life. Maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now until he can commit fully. Maybe he doesn't want to start something he can't follow through on completely.

But that's all conjecture. Without knowing the specifics, we can only speculate. And that's all any of us here are doing based on feelings or ideals that we have. Ultimately @Scottyb0y89, you will have to make the decision that feels right to you. Trust your instincts and do what you think is best for you. If you are meant to be together, you will find a way back to each other. 

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

But that's all conjecture. Without knowing the specifics, we can only speculate. And that's all any of us here are doing based on feelings or ideals that we have. Ultimately @Scottyb0y89, you will have to make the decision that feels right to you. Trust your instincts and do what you think is best for you. If you are meant to be together, you will find a way back to each other. 

Agreed. 

Scottyboy89, trust your instincts. You know what's right for you. Follow that feeling. 

@yogacat I always appreciate your ability to sum things up in a fair and logical way. You have your opinion, but you balance if with understanding to other perspectives. Don't ever change. This world could yse a few more like you.