catfeeder Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 1 hour ago, penpal999 said: I sent another voice message back just before work started....and I still haven't heard back. It's been about 12-13 hours. Honey, people leave off ongoing message conversations all the time. Life gets in front of it. It's perfectly typical behavior. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 I feel a chill pill is in order for you my friend. Send when you are ready, but 12 hrs? Goodness gracious.......*sigh* You have to anticipate that there will sometimes be lulls with a bit of distance between messages or replies. Don't be alarmed by the lull. Keep breathing, chill, roll your eyes at yourself when you catch yourself creating storylines. Ahahaha I'm a visual person, so I tend to do silly things to psych myself out, then look at the silliness at which point I can laugh at my own silliness. Then I remind myself: it's ok, it's ok, no such thing as magic bullet. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 Pal, a person writing paragraphs to you isn't going to disappear on you in 12 hours. Life happens. Sometimes we get busy, forget to check messages, are tired, or any number of other things. You will see her, you will have a great interaction, and you will be fine. When these thoughts happen, ever considered writing them down? Turn them into a story to get it out. You can look at them one day and laugh at the wild thoughts you had, just as I laugh at some of the fears I had. And you can see that whatever things you are imagining, are better suited for a romcom film and aren't likely to happen in real life. Relax, take it easy. Things are good, your doing good. All those paragraphs speak volumes about where she's at. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penpal999 Posted August 22 Author Share Posted August 22 Thank you all again so much for your input. She still hasn't responded, and I'm just going to head to bed now so I guess I'll see her tomorrow. I took people's advice and just relaxed, took a hot shower, kept myself busy and honestly didn't drive myself too crazy thinking about it. I'm 100% anxious about this, for sure. I think the thing that gets me is that I read all over the internet (e.g., Reddit, dating websites, etc) stuff like "top 10 signs she's not interested!" and "how to tell she doesn't like you over text!" and I always see the stuff about who engages first, how quickly they respond, if she asks questions, etc., and I feel like I just amplify things I see and look for the worst case scenario. I'm trying to stay positive, really, but it's so hard when year after year I get to the first date (if that) and I just ruin things somehow or the girl just loses interest or gets "the ick" and I'm back to square one. I want to do things differently this time, if I still can. I don't want to be pushy, I don't want to come across as needy or clingy, I don't want my anxiety or low confidence to be what she sees in me but man is it hard. You've all been so helpful though. I genuinely appreciate all of the advice and tough love everyone's given me, and I'll keep providing updates as often as I can (assuming that's ok with the forum rules?). Thanks everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 Are you planning on asking her out on a date soon? I don't want you to keep her in the friendzone for too long. 2 hours ago, penpal999 said: I'm trying to stay positive, really, but it's so hard when year after year I get to the first date (if that) and I just ruin things somehow or the girl just loses interest or gets "the ick" and I'm back to square one. But she already knows you. There's no ick to feel for her to feel at all. There is interest. You're past any such stages. You got this. And, she has given you many green lights already, so you will most likely get a happy yes. Worse case scenario; she says no thanks hon'. And you keep living and breathing. You'd still be you and you'd still be a good catch. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Are you planning on asking her out on a date soon? I don't want you to keep her in the friendzone for too long. But she already knows you. There's no ick to feel for her to feel at all. There is interest. You're past any such stages. You got this. And, she has given you many green lights already, so you will most likely get a happy yes. Worse case scenario; she says no thanks hon'. And you keep living and breathing. You'd still be you and you'd still be a good catch. Agree. And even if she had responded with paragraphs it wouldn't mean she was interested in going on a date with you. Last night I dropped off text conversations because my mom called. It's one of many reasons I do that and I turn my phone off on the earlier side at night so texts after 9pm or so aren't responded to for 12 hours depending on the other person's morning schedule/urgency, etc. You don't know her well enough. If you were married/serious and she was away and dropped off like that there might be cause for worry about her safety of course. She also might have mistakenly not sent a text. So please don't go there especially since you have no clue if she is interested in going on a date with you. Right now you know she is interested in texting with you and enjoys hearing from you when she responds that she does. Keep it real, keep it grounded. 4-7-8 breathing, Weil method (google) helps a lot with grounding IMO. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penpal999 Posted August 22 Author Share Posted August 22 Update, maybe the last one: So I worked with her today. It was kind of awkward, as I didn't really know what to say to her. I got to work and she wasn't there. I poured myself some coffee in the kitchen and she walked in and smiled. I said hey, how's it going? I just smiled and walked out. I just didn't really have much to say. Later in the day she came by and just put her hand on my shoulder and said hey, how's it going? I said good! How are you? and she just went straight into "I'm sorry I didn't respond to your message, I haven't even listened to it yet to be honest, I was just having a really anti-social day". I told her "no worries! We all have anti social days and to not worry about prioritizing me above all else haha" The rest of the day was good, we laughed, joked around, and didn't touch me again but I would walk by and just place my hand on her shoulder "hey! you're doing okay?" she'd laugh and just go "getting through the day you know?" At the end of the day I helped her clean up in the office and we walked to the parking garage. I had extra tote bags in my car that I could give to people and I told her she could come to my car and get some if she wanted to and she said sure. Here's where I feel like I'm done for - please tell me if I'm crazy: After I give her a few bags I tell her "by the way it's so nice to have you around. I know i've said that before but you honestly just make work so fun. I appreciate having you here" and she says to me "You're such an amazing friend, you've made me feel so welcome and not be in my head too much about things. Thank you so much". I thought about the old times when I was "such a good friend" to girls who would shoot me down, so I just immediately felt hurt, but didn't show it and just said "great! well see you tomorrow!" and got in my car and left. Is her calling me a subtle way of telling me she's not interested? Is she friend-zoning me? Should I just lay off now? or am I over thinking this too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 22 Share Posted August 22 Overthinking because you are coworkers and she doesn't want to cross boundaries. When you walked out on her in the morning that wasn't very friendly for sure. And the opposite of showing interest in dating. For goodness sake she apologized for not responding to your text -she obviously cares a great deal about being in your good graces and not offending you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penpal999 Posted August 23 Author Share Posted August 23 Final update: I called her and asked her out. She said no. Guess I'm back to square one. Thank you all for the support and advice! I'm sure i'll be back here soon haha. Thanks everyone. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 12 minutes ago, penpal999 said: Final update: I called her and asked her out. She said no. Guess I'm back to square one. Thank you all for the support and advice! I'm sure i'll be back here soon haha. Thanks everyone. Ah darn. The biggest clue it was a no go was when she said you're such an amazing friend. That's pretty much a very clear sign that she wasn't interested, so it's no surprise she said no. I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way you hoped, but at least you went for it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NighttimeNightmare Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 1 hour ago, penpal999 said: Here's where I feel like I'm done for - please tell me if I'm crazy: After I give her a few bags I tell her "by the way it's so nice to have you around. I know i've said that before but you honestly just make work so fun. I appreciate having you here" and she says to me "You're such an amazing friend, you've made me feel so welcome and not be in my head too much about things. Thank you so much". I understand the story concluded but I wanted to comment on this: I don’t think this in and of itself is a negative. Not everyone uses “friend” to let you know you’re in the “friendzone”. Sometimes that is just what you are to someone - a friend. Because you’re not dating, so what are you? It doesn’t have to mean they wouldn’t date you, or that they don’t have feelings for you. in the situation specifically with your coworker it could be that she really did just see you as a friend, or she didn’t want to date a coworker. But I’ve had a situation in my life where I referred to a woman as a “friend” when I also had romantic feelings for her. Strong foundations of friendship isn’t a bad thing. There’s this song my ex used to play years ago, and this line always stuck with me: “I’m more than your lover, I’m your friend” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 21 hours ago, penpal999 said: I read all over the internet (e.g., Reddit, dating websites, etc) stuff like "top 10 signs she's not interested!" and "how to tell she doesn't like you over text!" and I always see the stuff about who engages first, how quickly they respond, if she asks questions, etc., and I feel like I just amplify things I see and look for the worst case scenario. Ignore the internet. Most of that stuff is clickbait. It's designed to feed anxiety such as yours and make it worse so people have to keep clicking on and reading the articles. Everything you need to know is common sense you most likely already know. 1 hour ago, penpal999 said: Final update: I called her and asked her out. She said no. Guess I'm back to square one. Thank you all for the support and advice! I'm sure i'll be back here soon haha. Thanks everyone. It's not square one. You got up the nerve to ask her. You put aside the fear and anxiety and did something you were scared to do. That's an accomplishment and something to be proud of. Even if it didn't end the way you wanted, you tried. And it wasn't the end of the world. So next time, don't be scared. Don't think the worse. Know you did it before and can do it again. Eventually, it will work out and you'll get the yes. You've also gained a friend. And friends are always nice to have. You never know when they will come in handy. I mean, for all you know she could have been so impressed with you that she tries to set you up with a friend. Happened to me. And you might even like her better. 😉 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said: But I’ve had a situation in my life where I referred to a woman as a “friend” when I also had romantic feelings for her. Strong foundations of friendship isn’t a bad thing. There’s this song my ex used to play years ago, and this line always stuck with me: “I’m more than your lover, I’m your friend” I've had the same. And I've had a woman call me friend when she did have romantic feelings. Strong foundations of friendship aren't a bad thing. It doesn't have to be something to avoid. It can be something to seek out and cherish. And you never know what the future holds. I had that "friendship" turn into something more. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 6 hours ago, penpal999 said: and she says to me "You're such an amazing friend Oof. Yeah, as soon as they go with “friend” narrative you know it’s over. O well, at least you tried. Even if it didnt ended like you hoped for, you didnt lost months on this but went for it right away and now you can move on. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 7 hours ago, penpal999 said: called her and asked her out. She said no. Guess I'm back to square one. Thank you all for the support and advice! I'm sure i'll be back here soon haha. Thanks everyone What did she exactly say? She sure was sending mixed signals until she said: 8 hours ago, penpal999 said: You're such an amazing friend, you've made me feel so welcome and not be in my head too much about things. Thank you so much Touching your elbow, dreaming about you, going back to you to apologise over a non-issue, giving you her number, and then boom "friend". Sigh... Well, now you know where she clearly stands. She is too friendly and appreciates you. Please don't take it as a bad thing. If she likes you and enjoys spending time with you, then other ladies would absolutely love to do that and more. You got it in you 💪 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 9 hours ago, penpal999 said: Final update: I called her and asked her out. She said no. Guess I'm back to square one. Thank you all for the support and advice! I'm sure i'll be back here soon haha. Thanks everyone. No you're not back to square one. You asked her for a date. You showed yourself you can ask a woman you are interested in out on a date. You should feel proud of this accomplishment IMO. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penpal999 Posted August 23 Author Share Posted August 23 Thanks everyone for being so kind. Here’s how it went. She listened to my voice messages and made some jokes about it, and I asked her if I could call, she said yeah sure. I called and said hey I think you’re really great and I love spending time with you and I’d love to get to know her more and if I could take her out for dinner, or go for drinks. She kind of went quiet and said “uhhhhh…….yeah okay”, and I said “…..I mean a date, just be to be clear”, and she goes “oh ummm…..I’m not saying no but…” and i immediately knew there. i just responded “hey you know what, if you’re not really feeling it that’s totally fine. I just thought I’d ask but if you don’t want to we don’t have to and I still appreciate your friendship”. She said something like “I’m not saying no but I don’t want to turn you down harshly….maybe we can think about this once I finish probation?.” and I said “it’s all good. I’ll see you at work tomorrow, have a great night.” I was pretty choked, but it’s all good. I went to take a shower and when I got back out I got a long text from her stating something along the lines of “hey I’m super flattered by the conversation we just had. I seriously think the world of you. You’re so kind and such a charismatic person and I would have liked to get to know you on a different level too. But I have just started seeing someone and am wanting to see where that goes. (I’m about all my eggs in one basket kind of girl), but if the timing is right in the future I’d love to get to know you more. I’m sorry I couldn’t say this on the phone, I was just a little surprised is all. I promise things won’t be weird between us” I just responded “hey no worries, thank you for your honesty. Coffee is definitely on you tomorrow though haha” so that’s how it ends. It sucks. I was really into this girl, but I’m not going to wait around to see how her relationship goes with this guy, (or whether she was just saying those things to soften the blow). I appreciate all of the kind words and support you’ve all given me. The streak continues, single for 13 years coming up lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 My sense is she really might have met someone which would explain her previous flirtatious behavior and then going quiet. Or it could be an excuse. I vote for former. Just seems like that. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 Yeah, I vote for excuse too. From “maybe we can think about once I finish probation” to just “I started seeing someone”. Too many BS instead of saying simple No”. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 Is there anything in any interaction you have had that would indicate this was an excuse? I'm not seeing it. She has always been open with you. If anything she has shared more then usual. When a person talks they generally tell the truth. So believe her. 3 hours ago, penpal999 said: I’m not saying no but I don’t want to turn you down harshly….maybe we can think about this once I finish probation?.” and I said “it’s all good. I’ll see you at work tomorrow, have a great night.” You caught her off guard and she didn't know how to respond immediately. So she bought herself some time. She does like you and didn't want to say something to hurt your feelings too much, so she said she would think about. Nothing bad about it. It's a good thing as it shows she really does care about you. 3 hours ago, penpal999 said: hey I’m super flattered by the conversation we just had. I seriously think the world of you. You’re so kind and such a charismatic person and I would have liked to get to know you on a different level too. But I have just started seeing someone and am wanting to see where that goes. (I’m about all my eggs in one basket kind of girl), but if the timing is right in the future I’d love to get to know you more. I’m sorry I couldn’t say this on the phone, I was just a little surprised is all. I promise things won’t be weird between us Yep, she even told you she was caught off guard. She's being honest with you. Believe her. She also didn't reject you or say it would never happen. It wasn't anything about you. It's not anything about her. It was that wildcard we have no control over (and the bane of my existance), timing. Be friends with her. Have fun together. The future isn't written and you have no idea what will happen. This guy could be a dud and in a month she could reconsider. You could meet someone else tomorrow. Don't think or worry about it. Just enjoy being friends with a really cool person and everything else will tend to itself. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 18 minutes ago, ShySoul said: e friends with her. Have fun together. The future isn't written and you have no idea what will happen. This guy could be a dud and in a month she could reconsider. You could meet someone else tomorrow. Don't think or worry about it. Just enjoy being friends with a really cool person and everything else will tend to itself. I would not do so unless you want to hear about her relationship and feel good that she met a man she is into. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 16 hours ago, penpal999 said: I called her and asked her out. She said no. Guess I'm back to square one. Thank you all for the support and advice! I'm sure i'll be back here soon haha. Thanks everyone. So the fact that you posted this update means being turned down for the date was not fatal. I am sure she wasn't cruel or mean in any way so learn from all this. Once you make a connection move it along to a dating situation sooner. It will save you tons of wondering and grief and allow you to see things clearly. It sucks she said no but you have shown you can get better at communication, interactions and finally making the move. You just need to accelerate it a little more is all. To be sure you didn't ruin your chances even though you had some missteps along the way. If she was interested in you romantically those wouldn't have mattered. Hold your head up high, treat her just as friendly as you did before and remember this: Women have women friends so she just might know someone that is perfect for you. Translation: Don't burn bridges. The new job awaits so focus on that. Lost 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 10 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I would not do so unless you want to hear about her relationship and feel good that she met a man she is into. As someone who has maintained a good friendship with someone who did have another relationship, I had no problem hearing about it. I was just happy to have the person in my life and appreciate that we could get still get along so well. I was also happy that she had someone period to care about her and who made her happy. All I wanted was her happiness, even if it was with someone else. But it's really about what they want. If they want to be friends, they should be friends. And she certainly seems to want to stay friends, not entirely slamming the door shut on anything in the future. And based on how complimentary and thoughtful towards him she has been, I think she would be pretty careful about what she says about this guy to him. I mean, he wasn't even aware of his existance until now. Not like she is blurting out every detail. 4 hours ago, penpal999 said: but if the timing is right in the future I’d love to get to know you more. I’m sorry I couldn’t say this on the phone, I was just a little surprised is all. I promise things won’t be weird between us” Wouldn't not being friends be doing the very thing she doesn't want? Wouldn't that be causing things to be weird between them? Wouldn't that eliminate any chance of getting to know each other more? Being friends is fine. If they want to be friends, they should. Penpal, do what's right for you. And about that streak, I'd have fun with it. Laugh at it. Take pride in it. You've done something most people won't. Don't make it something that drags you down, make it somethig silly that you makes you laugh at the amazing amount of coincidences and bad timing that has contributed to such a milestone. And beware that 13 is an unlucky number. If you view the streak as a good thing, then bad luck will come along and break you streak. Which means you will probably find someone soon. 😉 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 Well IF she does have a boyfriend, I think all her messaging with numerous paragraphs etc, flirting and touching were pretty crappy and disrespectful to her boyfriend and relationship. I mean she totally misled you, her rather blatant flirtation was more than being "friendly." Which resulted in you asking her out which any man would naturally have done in that situation. Then springs on you "oh I'm seeing someone"? What the *. Lord. Just imagine if you were her boyfriend and she goes around sending long, enthusiastic and flirty messages to other men and tells them she dreams about them, touching them etc. She's an attention um "seeker" consider it a bullet dodged! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 23 Share Posted August 23 3 minutes ago, ShySoul said: As someone who has maintained a good friendship with someone who did have another relationship, I had no problem hearing about it. I was just happy to have the person in my life and appreciate that we could get still get along so well. I was also happy that she had someone period to care about her and who made her happy. All I wanted was her happiness, even if it was with someone else. But it's really about what they want. If they want to be friends, they should be friends. And she certainly seems to want to stay friends, not entirely slamming the door shut on anything in the future. And based on how complimentary and thoughtful towards him she has been, I think she would be pretty careful about what she says about this guy to him. I mean, he wasn't even aware of his existance until now. Not like she is blurting out every detail. Wouldn't not being friends be doing the very thing she doesn't want? Wouldn't that be causing things to be weird between them? Wouldn't that eliminate any chance of getting to know each other more? Being friends is fine. If they want to be friends, they should. Penpal, do what's right for you. And about that streak, I'd have fun with it. Laugh at it. Take pride in it. You've done something most people won't. Don't make it something that drags you down, make it somethig silly that you makes you laugh at the amazing amount of coincidences and bad timing that has contributed to such a milestone. And beware that 13 is an unlucky number. If you view the streak as a good thing, then bad luck will come along and break you streak. Which means you will probably find someone soon. 😉 Yes for sure if he wants to hear about who she is dating or wants to date and if he has a strong stomach for that -go for it. If he's not holding out hope she'll want to date him in the future. I stayed friends with a colleague I had a major crush on and I was crushed that he started dating a much prettier coworker. Big difference was -he never ever knew I had a crush. I stayed friendly with him - she was not a nice person and not nice to me. He ended up breaking their engagement and marrying someone else. He rarely spoke of her to me. Bythe time they ended things my crush had faded thank goodness. If I'd asked him out and he'd said no i don't think we could have stayed friendly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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