penpal999 Posted August 18 Author Share Posted August 18 But how do I even respond to a text that seems so final? My take away was "thanks, had fun, take care!", so I don't want to be that pushy guy who can't take a hint. However I'm god awful at signals and messages so I don't trust my gut instinct lol. What's the best response I could give that text? Or should I just hope to see her around (which I'll only see her maybe 2-4 times over the next couple months) and try to be friendly and chat then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 59 minutes ago, penpal999 said: But how do I even respond to a text that seems so final? My take away was "thanks, had fun, take care!", so I don't want to be that pushy guy who can't take a hint. However I'm god awful at signals and messages so I don't trust my gut instinct lol. What's the best response I could give that text? Or should I just hope to see her around (which I'll only see her maybe 2-4 times over the next couple months) and try to be friendly and chat then? I would wait to see her in person. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 How is "thanks, had fun, take care" final? Final would be along the lines of "no thanks", "not interested", "get lost." Thanking you for a good time, saying she had fun, wishing you well... all good things. There is no best response. There is just how you feel. Respond however you feel. Say what you are thinking. If you had a good time, say it. If you want to meet up again, say it. Your psyching yourself out. You're trying to hard, agonizing over the smallest of insignificant details. All that is going to do is frustrate you until you get so exhausted that you just give up. It will cause you to other do nothing or do something foolish that will backfire and hurt any chance you have. So calm down. She is like any other person. She enjoys your company, you enjoy hers. You both get along and have fun together. All you need to know and think about. So treat her like any other person you would want to spend time with. Just send her a friendly message and see if she want to do something together. Then make plans like any two people would. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 10 minutes ago, ShySoul said: How is "thanks, had fun, take care" final? Final would be along the lines of "no thanks", "not interested", "get lost." In my experience a person who wants to stay in touch and meet in person doesn't do the close ended final "take care" they leave the door open for keeping in touch and potentially meeting or meeting again. Most people are not blunt especially in a coworker situation -that would be incredibly risky to type that to a coworker. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 3 minutes ago, Batya33 said: In my experience a person who wants to stay in touch and meet in person doesn't do the close ended final "take care" they leave the door open for keeping in touch and potentially meeting or meeting again. Most people are not blunt especially in a coworker situation -that would be incredibly risky to type that to a coworker. "No thank you" is not blunt, it's generally considered the polite and respectful way to decline. The majority of interactions I've had - friends, family, co-workers, relationship based and non relationship based - usually end with some form of "take care." It's wishing a person well and telling them to be safe until the next time you meet. Its simple etiquette. Seems rather open ended to me, open to seeing them again. https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/vkte71/what_does_take_care_mean/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 16 minutes ago, ShySoul said: "No thank you" is not blunt, it's generally considered the polite and respectful way to decline. The majority of interactions I've had - friends, family, co-workers, relationship based and non relationship based - usually end with some form of "take care." It's wishing a person well and telling them to be safe until the next time you meet. Its simple etiquette. Seems rather open ended to me, open to seeing them again. https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/vkte71/what_does_take_care_mean/ I disagree. And each time I've received a take care response there's never been any suggestion of getting together again or meeting (yes including if I responded open ended). Take care from an ongoing friend is different as they are in your life and it might be contextual like take care on your trip, take care feel better from your cold, etc. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 16 hours ago, penpal999 said: Another update! Laura responded: Thanks for the message, it was a ride haha! Thanks so much for inviting me and I had so so much fun and thank you for all the kind words! Please don't feel any kind of way about anything seriously I wasn't touched by anything! Hopefully you're feeling somewhat alive today lol. I guess it's positive but also kind of closed ended? I did suggest we go for brunch but she kind of skirted around that. I don't really know how to respond to this lol. I want to see her again but I don't want to be pushy, but I also don't want this to fizzle out, but if it does then it does and I can't really control that. Any thoughts? She is definitely open and receptive to you. I think you are reading too much into her response. She seemed to have a good time and made the effort to come out with the group and joke around with you. Don't read too much into her not mentioning brunch explicitly - it was a late night for her and there was a lot of activity and there were drinks involved. She may just not be in the head space right now to make plans for the future. I would say just continue to stay in touch, and maybe suggest brunch or something quieter in a week or so when things have had a chance to settle down. And keep it light and casual - don't bring up any expectations or feelings. Just continue to get to know her and have a good time in her company. Who knows where this may lead! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 2 hours ago, penpal999 said: But how do I even respond to a text that seems so final? My take away was "thanks, had fun, take care!", so I don't want to be that pushy guy who can't take a hint. However I'm god awful at signals and messages so I don't trust my gut instinct lol. What's the best response I could give that text? Or should I just hope to see her around (which I'll only see her maybe 2-4 times over the next couple months) and try to be friendly and chat then? I'd leave it alone for now. Too soon. I just had a great night with some girlfriends. We all did the 'got home safely, great time!' texts, but nobody launched straight into planning the next get together. We were tired last night, and we are tired today. Just let it go... you have plenty of time to invite her out down the road. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 26 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I disagree. And each time I've received a take care response there's never been any suggestion of getting together again or meeting (yes including if I responded open ended). Take care from an ongoing friend is different as they are in your life and it might be contextual like take care on your trip, take care feel better from your cold, etc. Person who loved me the most in my life romantically would end every call with "love you, take care." I would say the same. There was always the underlying knowledge that we would see each other and talk to each other again. And the two people involved here are at the very least developing an ongoing friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 2 hours ago, penpal999 said: My take away was "thanks, had fun, take care!", so I don't want to be that pushy guy who can't take a hint. Did she actually say this?^^ Use those words? In your update, I read what she actually did say and it wasn't remotely close to that. "Thanks for the message, it was a ride haha! Thanks so much for inviting me and I had so so much fun and thank you for all the kind words! Please don't feel any kind of way about anything seriously I wasn't touched by anything! Hopefully you're feeling somewhat alive today lol." Where did she say "take care"? She didn't! So, my take is your takeaway is incorrect, and most likely based on some sort of fear. Best to figure that out otherwise you'll be self-sabotaging and reading into things that aren't there before anything even gets started. Her message was upbeat and enthusiastic, there was nothing indicating she was blowing you off. Anyway, determine where you fear comes from, give this some space and reach out later. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 22 minutes ago, yogacat said: She is definitely open and receptive to you. I think you are reading too much into her response. She seemed to have a good time and made the effort to come out with the group and joke around with you. Just continue to get to know her and have a good time in her company. Who knows where this may lead! My sentiments exactly. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 41 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I disagree. And each time I've received a take care response there's never been any suggestion of getting together again or meeting (yes including if I responded open ended). Take care from an ongoing friend is different as they are in your life and it might be contextual like take care on your trip, take care feel better from your cold, etc. ^^She never said "take care." That was HIS takeaway, most likely based on FEAR. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 Her actual message: 17 hours ago, penpal999 said: Laura responded: Thanks for the message, it was a ride haha! Thanks so much for inviting me and I had so so much fun and thank you for all the kind words! Please don't feel any kind of way about anything seriously I wasn't touched by anything! Hopefully you're feeling somewhat alive today lol. All signs seem positive. She thanked him multiple times, said he was kind, said she had fun, and even joked around playfully. Perfectly fine message between two people developing a friendship. My original point was even if he wanted to make his translation based off of fear, it's still not that bad. She would still be saying she had fun and wishing him well. Nothing in either message is an indication she isn't interested or doesn't want to see him again. Just the opposite. At every opportunity she has jumped at the chance to be around him. Honestly @penpal999, why are you so worried? What's causing this fear? I know what it's like to be terrified to speak to a woman I'm interested in, to tell her my feelings. But when she showed she was receptive to me, it was no problem. This woman has been nothing but receptive. She's been nice, thoughtful, and seeked you out. So why all the anxiety? Like a great man once said, you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penpal999 Posted August 18 Author Share Posted August 18 4 hours ago, ShySoul said: Her actual message: All signs seem positive. She thanked him multiple times, said he was kind, said she had fun, and even joked around playfully. Perfectly fine message between two people developing a friendship. My original point was even if he wanted to make his translation based off of fear, it's still not that bad. She would still be saying she had fun and wishing him well. Nothing in either message is an indication she isn't interested or doesn't want to see him again. Just the opposite. At every opportunity she has jumped at the chance to be around him. Honestly @penpal999, why are you so worried? What's causing this fear? I know what it's like to be terrified to speak to a woman I'm interested in, to tell her my feelings. But when she showed she was receptive to me, it was no problem. This woman has been nothing but receptive. She's been nice, thoughtful, and seeked you out. So why all the anxiety? Like a great man once said, you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Thank you all so much for wonderful insight and advice! Sorry she didn't actually say "take care", that was my take away! Her text just seemed like it didn't want me to respond in any way, and not to mention I mentioned taking her out to brunch, and her text mentioned nothing about that, seems like she just ignored it entirely on purpose - that's where I just get the feeling she's over me. Also this whole fear thing is real. You all hit the nail on the head. I've been single for...12 years now? I've had little bouts of interest in others here and there, but it never goes past the first date. I've just sort of succumbed to the idea that I'm terrible with people when it gets to the first date, and I panic otherwise. I read too much into little things, I get anxiety when they don't message me, I feel like they'll lose interest in me and they'll just drop me. I've tried working on my confidence and self esteem but it's clearly not there yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 You either need to talk to her in person or on the phone meaning actually calling her and having a voice to voice conversation. This removes your missing signs or reading things into a text message that may or may not be there. It sounds like you will run into her again at least twice and if not make that happen in about a week. When you do sack up and ask her out on a date. Be brave, don't hide behind texting and ask her out with words like "date" "dinner" "just the two of us" "get to know you better" This is the only way to know for sure... Good luck Lost 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 31 minutes ago, lostandhurt said: You either need to talk to her in person or on the phone meaning actually calling her and having a voice to voice conversation. This removes your missing signs or reading things into a text message that may or may not be there. It sounds like you will run into her again at least twice and if not make that happen in about a week. When you do sack up and ask her out on a date. Be brave, don't hide behind texting and ask her out with words like "date" "dinner" "just the two of us" "get to know you better" This is the only way to know for sure... Good luck Lost Exactly. Why are you reducing something so important to you down to reading tea leaves? You're leaving this job, so you have zero to lose by just asking her out on a date. If she passes, then so what? You're not running onto her everyday, so carry on. If she accepts, then, hey! There you go. All the 'confUsion' is done, and you can make the most of this opportunity. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 On 8/18/2024 at 4:09 PM, penpal999 said: Also this whole fear thing is real. You all hit the nail on the head. I've been single for...12 years now? I've had little bouts of interest in others here and there, but it never goes past the first date. I've just sort of succumbed to the idea that I'm terrible with people when it gets to the first date, and I panic otherwise. I read too much into little things, I get anxiety when they don't message me, I feel like they'll lose interest in me and they'll just drop me. I've tried working on my confidence and self esteem but it's clearly not there yet. Just 12 years? That's nothing. 😉 A male friend and I once came up with superhero identies based on our perpetual singleness. He became SingleMan and I was the Solitary Stranger. Think we realized that rather than give into our fear or let it mess with our confidence, we would fight it off with humor. We didn't take ourselves or our supposed lack of success seriously. We would just keep being us and let things happen when they were supposed to. I've been afraid on things like this as well. But I've learned that only makes things worse. The best thing sometimes is to not think. Be in the moment. Enjoy what is there. If you want to read into things, read into the fact that she did message you, she has searched you out multiple times. Don't focus on what could happen or she could mean. Focus on how fun the interactions you do have are, on what is actually happening in those moments. Keep it up. Don't put pressure on yourself or her to do/say/be anything. Just be you and have fun with it. What happens is going to happen. Might as well enjoy the ride. Hoping you can break that being single streak. And if you do, can you send some luck my way? 😉 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 On 8/18/2024 at 4:09 PM, penpal999 said: Sorry she didn't actually say "take care", that was my take away! On 8/18/2024 at 4:09 PM, penpal999 said: Also this whole fear thing is real. You all hit the nail on the head. I've been single for...12 years now? I've had little bouts of interest in others here and there, but it never goes past the first date. I've just sort of succumbed to the idea that I'm terrible with people when it gets to the first date, and I panic otherwise. I read too much into little things, ^^ @penpal999 I'm very familiar with such fear, it IS very real for many people. Yes, 'panic' is a word I'm very familiar with. So you are not alone or weird or whatever you may be thinking about yourself. For me and others I know, it wasn't a fear of rejection per se, it went far deeper and more complex than that. I mean it could be part of it, but 12 years is a long time, so it's worth exploring on your own and/or with the help of a qualified therapist. Imo. Relationship/commitment anxiety and fears are deep rooted and are quite complex and unless one has experienced it, they are difficult to understand. The standard question "What's there to be afraid of"? Well for you and others, quite a lot, too much to get into here, we are not therapist's which to overcome and resolve, is necessary. I mean it stems from somewhere most likely from your childhood, either witnessing your parents' marriage OR observing others' relationships and the dysfunction in those relationships. Or perhaps you felt suffocated and stifled in a previous relationship, like you couldn't breathe and would rather be alone than experience that again. Or you were deeply hurt in a previous relationship. Or maybe you've just become accustomed to being alone and feel content. Could be anything really, even the media. For me, my fears were not nearly as pervasive as yours, I was able to date, and develop relationships, even long term relationships. I even got married! Didn't last sadly. I typically chose men who had their own issues and as such there was quite a bit of distance in the relationship which suited me, us, just fine. Anyway that's my advice. Work with a therapist and determine where your fears stem from. Determine what you need, your own comfort level, if you need a certain amount of distance and space that is OK! Everyone, every couple defines commitment for themselves what works for them. Try to not allow your anxiety to drive your ship. Challenge yourself, push yourself, you might find it's not so "scary" after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 20 Share Posted August 20 On 8/18/2024 at 7:09 PM, penpal999 said: I've tried working on my confidence and self esteem but it's clearly not there yet. There have been many times -in dating, personal relationships, interviews, professional situations -I had to fake it till I made it. Do whatever worked -the positive affirmations as I walked over to a first meet or a blind date or a date - affirmations I knew weren't "fact" but got me through. I was thrown into the fire professionally more times than I could count and I'm glad I took up the challenge. I work on personal growth I'd say -daily -and I'm almost 58. My husband was so painfully shy when he first asked me to lunch when we were coworkers and literally had a conference call with his buddies as a sort of pep talk in advance of calling to ask me. For me getting over the fear of rejection and for me the fear of making the wrong choice in a forever partner - was essential because getting married -to the right person, without settling -and having the opportunity to have a child - was so very important to me from the time I was a young teenager. It's amazing what people can do when the goal is so important. I'd stop "waiting" till you "work" more on your self confidence and take the action of asking her out on a date and then take additional baby steps towards your goal of getting to know her better -thinking of it in broad terms obviously is scary -baby steps! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penpal999 Posted August 21 Author Share Posted August 21 Another update! I sent her a voice message instead of a text, just because we would joke about that. And she responded almost immediately! My voice message was just joking about our work day, how we came across some really funny clients today, and she says: "Hahaha this made me laugh! Took me way too long to realize you were talking about my clients, I legit thought we had the same day for a good few seconds :), and thank you so much for all the positive feedback and encouragement! how was your day?" I'm not going to overthink it, I'm just going to be fun and joke around and try to just be her friend and see how things go, but I feel like this is a really good sign? I just hope I don't come across as too much of just "the friend". I also don't want to go "haha yeah fun day. So anyway, wanna date?" Also, thank you all so much for all of your advice. I'm genuinely so taken aback by all the support you've all given me. I come back to this thread daily to re-read your advice, so please feel free to keep offering as much as you can! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 Wish I had had a thread like this to help me out. 😉 Still doing good. Sense a good spirit in you, jus one that needs a little boost. So keep coming back as often as you need it. Warning, at some point you will need to ask her out or indicate you want more. But it doesn't have to be a big deal or something scary. Do it when it feels right. If your having fun and spending time together already, it can be just an extension of that. Just my experience, but it was something I could sense. I did it because I felt the time was right, no prior thought, no worries or anxiety. Luckily it worked out well. And contrary to what some may say, being the friend is good. You're becoming someone she trusts, has fun with, and shares things with. All things that can be very attractive. Keep up the good energy. Have fun. And show her just what an awesome find you are. 😍 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NighttimeNightmare Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 On 8/18/2024 at 4:09 PM, penpal999 said: Sorry she didn't actually say "take care", that was my take away! Her text just seemed like it didn't want me to respond in any way Geeze. This is why whenever someone asks for my advice in person I’ve taken to asking them to let me read the chat transcripts for myself. when you’re asking people for advice I know it’s usually because you’re already in a fearful and frantic state, but try to keep to the facts. The advice you get is only as good/clean as the story you’re telling ~~edit~~ I had to re-read this thread and it seems you did mention the “take care” was your own interpretation of one of her texts you shared on a previous page, I missed that. With that said, it’s crazy how our feelings can obscure reality so much. I did not get a “thanks take care. Goodbye forever!” vibe from her text message… at all. Hopefully you can pull yourself up from seeing everything so negatively and not being able to read her enthusiasm. You’ll end up making her feel unwanted 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said: Geeze. This is why whenever someone asks for my advice in person I’ve taken to asking them to let me read the chat transcripts for myself You're right. Need to start that policy myself. 😆 Actually think its hard for the person in the issue to be objective and not insert their own feelings into it. Which in turn impacts the advice given. I've seen plenty of cases where people jump to one conclusion based on the facts given only to not have been given accurate or vital information. Thus the real answer was something completely different. When asking for help, try to be as clear and balanced as possible. Penpal, cheering you on. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penpal999 Posted August 21 Author Share Posted August 21 Update In case anyone was wondering, since this entire forum is now a part of this lol: Seems like we started out great. A few messages here and there, just joking around. I sent her a voice message last night around 7 and woke up to paragraph texts from her this morning. It was really sweet! She just said a lot of nice things about the messages, how she looks forward to seeing me later at work in the week, and how she had a great time at the event and how she appreciates how supportive I am of her at work. I sent another voice message back just before work started....and I still haven't heard back. It's been about 12-13 hours. I'm being neurotic and paranoid. The first thing I think is "alright so she's not interested in me, I need to just move on", but then I feel like I'm self sabotaging and I just want to think about other things and move on from this. I should see her at work tomorrow but I hope she at least messages me once before I see her tomorrow or I feel like I'll feel so awkward around her. Anyway, that's where I'm sitting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 21 minutes ago, penpal999 said: I sent her a voice message last night around 7 and woke up to paragraph texts from her this morning. It was really sweet! She just said a lot of nice things about the messages, how she looks forward to seeing me later at work in the week, and how she had a great time at the event and how she appreciates how supportive I am of her at work. Dude! Focus on this^^ and see her at work tomorrow. I'm not sure why you would feel awkward if she doesn't respond back tonight, she most likely didn't want to overdo the texting and will see you tomorrow anyway! No offense to you but this is a big issue I have with some guys. They expect women (me!) to basically jump like puppies at every text and lord forbid we wait a day. Have you sought treatment for your anxiety? If not, I would suggest you do otherwise you're going to blow this by either pushing her away or bailing yourself. Try to hang with it! I suffer from anxiety too, when it gets bad I go for a run or do yoga. I recommend both! 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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