How important is pictures for average guy?

[yogacat]

57 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Adding that to the list of horrible pickup lines. It doesn't even have the absurdity and cheesiness that you can laugh about later. Come on man, try a little harder. 😉

Right? I must have been putting on my best "deep in thought" face because he later said he can imagine me having a nice smile. I was on a mission while stopping to get my decaf Americano before heading out in search of a white and seagreen tank top to match a pair of capris already found while shopping that afternoon. I guess my face just didn't get the memo!😚

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I did cancel a first date because after he asked me (we'd had a first meet, he didn't call for a date then we ran into each other during the work day outside and he called and asked and I figured why not) he changed his photo of him staring down at his bare chest.

I'm guessing he thought the photo of his bare chest was the male equivalent of cleavage? He tried to Right Said Fred you! 🤭

[poorlittlefish]

On 8/15/2024 at 7:51 PM, waffle said:

Actually studies have been done that show that the more choices one has, the more likely they are not to choose anything at all.  Presented with a few good choices is optimal.

edited to add:  I was responding in the post above to the comment that online works great for women because we have so many men after us.  That is simply not true.  There might be lots of men but again, Quantity and Quality are not related.

I've seen posts claiming that women get 100+ likes/messages a day.  Maybe that's the case for young women or those whose photos are heavily Photoshopped, but I've never received anywhere near that number and no-one I know who's done OLD has either.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Not online but once someone made an opening to me by saying "I should smile more."

That turned me off immediately. It felt like a backhanded comment disguised as a pickup line.

He asked for my number and I politely declined. I don't like when people make assumptions about how I should present myself or behave. LOL!

Lol, I think this line must be written in some pua manual or something, it's pretty standard and yeah it irritates me too!

Here's an interesting article about it from The Huffington Post.  The last sentence:

"Telling or even asking women to smile is not sexy, cute, witty, charming or any of the things some men think. It's sexist, it's harassment, and it doesn't lead to success with women. 

is a bit much imo but it's definitely annoying and has never rendered a man a positive result although I realize to him he's just flirting. 

But, um, just no.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-i-feel-when-men-tell-me-to-smile_b_8687410#:~:text=The most popular excuse I,a contract I never signed. 

 

 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, yogacat said:

Not online but once someone made an opening to me by saying "I should smile more."

That turned me off immediately. It felt like a backhanded comment disguised as a pickup line.

He asked for my number and I politely declined. I don't like when people make assumptions about how I should present myself or behave. LOL!

That's also basically sexist -women should smile etc. 

I met many men in person with no photo -personal ads and blind dates - we described ourselves- in non-sexual ways of course (otherwise I wouldn't have met if asked to do that). 

These days I would never meet without a photo in particular because to me it's a red flag if someone refuses this where in the 1990s it wasn't easy to get a photo in general to send by snail mail or even by email. Early on in my online dating adventures I met a man who lied with his photo -back when photos weren't as focused/good quality.  Half his face and neck were deeply disfigured and scarred after multiple surgeries and a horrific accident. The other side of his face which is what mostly showed in the photo was very handsome.  He didn't tell me about the accident or anything.

That was maybe the hardest first meet I ever had as I saw why he lied and I also felt treated  somewhat unfairly- he looked frightening at first glance and it was extremely hard for me not to show any reaction.  I did not. He then told me all about the accident and multiple surgeries.  He otherwise was a lovely person. I felt so badly for what he had been through and I knew I wouldn't date someone out of pity, etc.

I had a deep talk with myself after and knew I was not the person who would ever be attracted in this situation -romantically- despite it being "shallow".  It is the definition of shallow on my part.  I think there are shallow/superficial parts of dating with rare exceptions.  I am not a rare exception and nor was I picky about looks or requiring arm candy or male model looks or even close.

I knew I was not the right person for him and yes totally because of his face.  He asked me out again and I told a lie -that I'd met someone else or maybe my ex had called me whatever -there was no way I'd have a discussion about the real reason and I believe he likely knew.

Out of curiosity years later I looked him up and yes -as I suspected with modern medicine his scarring is greatly diminished and I believe he was married etc. I'm happy for him.  I also have no regrets at all about my decision back then.  I understand why he provided misleading photos and didn't share before we met about his situation.  In that situation looks mattered more than average.  I'm glad I was honest with myself.  

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

Right? I must have been putting on my best "deep in thought" face because he later said he can imagine me having a nice smile. I was on a mission while stopping to get my decaf Americano before heading out in search of a white and seagreen tank top to match a pair of capris already found while shopping that afternoon. I guess my face just didn't get the memo!😚

I'm guessing he thought the photo of his bare chest was the male equivalent of cleavage? He tried to Right Said Fred you! 🤭

I don't know what that is! This was over 20 years ago I think.  It was gross.

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

Right? I must have been putting on my best "deep in thought" face because he later said he can imagine me having a nice smile

Why not just ask what's got you thinking so hard? Take the time to get to know you instead of telling you how you should be acting. And if he wants to see a pretty smile, talk to you and make you smile.

It's not just with women or people trying to flirt. I've been told plenty of time I need to smile more, or to talk and socialize. Maybe I'm just not in the mood or have something on my mind? I'll smile if I feel like it and are given a reason to smile. I'll do something because I want to do it. So respect a person's space and right to however they feel without judgement. Let them be them.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I've seen posts claiming that women get 100+ likes/messages a day.  Maybe that's the case for young women or those whose photos are heavily Photoshopped, but I've never received anywhere near that number and no-one I know who's done OLD has either.

How many of those are from the same obsessive people, spam, or complete wastes of time?

Why would anyone want 100 messages a day? All the time spent to go through them becomes a job. And you can't really appreciate or take in each individual message and each person. 

I'd rather only have one message and be able to devote my time and attention to cultivating a real interaction with them.

[ShySoul]

People with amazing photos can lie and be scumbags. People with no photos can be sensitive, caring people who treat others well. 

How a person looks has no bearing on who they are or how attractive they are. 

A person could genuinely by shy or have insecurities on their appearance despite nothing being wrong. They could be worried that people will judge or ignore them based on their photos because they have had people say things to them before. Or they could want to focus on the things that are far more important - minds, hearts, and souls. 

Probably the odd one out, but I'd rather not see a photo. Rather not be distracted with the superficial and get right to the heart of a person.

[Batya33]

I think there are people for whom looks don't matter at all for purposes of a serious romantic relationship.  I don't know any people like this in my life and that doesn't mean they don't exist.  I recall meeting someone like this many years ago.  We'd gone on a couple of dates. I wasn't attracted to him but we stayed in touch as friends.  He was an attractive looking person and a good person.  He told me point blank looks didn't matter to him at all.  This was the late 90s.  I offered to set him up with a newer friend of mine.  She and he had a lot in common as far as interests and both were good people and very intelligent, educated and had successful careers.  She also was around 100 pounds overweight and not attractive looking.  No photos - this was the late 90s and none was requested.

They met and he told me he was very upset with me as I'd not told him in advance that she was very overweight.  Apparently although he'd told me -he knew he had -that looks didn't matter to him at all -this -did.  I was very upset with him for being dishonest.  He ended up seeing her one more time as she bought tickets for a performance (I wish he'd declined) and then of course didn't call her again.  I wish he'd been honest with me that if the woman was obese then looks did matter to him rather than wasting her time and hurting her feelings (obviously no reason was given but she likely knew).

I knew I would not be attracted to anyone obese (although there was one exception to that in my dating years), anyone with long hair or tattoos or body piercings - someone who wasn't relatively clean cut - or anyone who was very very skinny - just didn't do it for me romantically.  No matter what a great person he was.  Photos can help in this and prevernt from wasting someone's time.  

[rainbowsandroses]

43 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Why not just ask what's got you thinking so hard? Take the time to get to know you instead of telling you how you should be acting. And if he wants to see a pretty smile, talk to you and make you smile.

^^Just my take but I don't think the men who say it think too deeply about it, it's a pick-up line, nothing more, nothing less. Imo

The guy finds the woman attractive and it's a flirt!

I don't get the sense his intent is to be sexist or harassing like the article I linked stated; I do find it annoying just as I do most standard pick-up lines.  To me, they're contrived. 

When I meet men randomly, I would prefer the conversation happen naturally, organically not with a forced pick-up line. 

I recall one time, a man approached me and said in a flirty way "is life really that bad, smiling helps" 😉 and because of the mood I was in,  I responded by saying "now really, wouldn't we all look pretty silly walking around with big ole smiles on our faces all the time"?  Lol

He laughed and said "fair point" and we started chatting after that, this was in front of Whole Foods.

Honestly though, I do try to give men a bit of a break, approaching a woman and striking up a conversation is not easy and as I said, personally I don't think their intent is to be sexist or harassing, I see it as they find me attractive and it's a way to talk to me.

I take it just as I do online dating - with a big grain of salt! 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Probably the odd one out, but I'd rather not see a photo.

You know what @ShySoul, me too!!

However with online dating, and so many people to choose from, it's understandable as there's not much else to go by when scrolling through profiles.

Not everyone has the time or inclination to draft a detailed thoughtful profile so the photo is all they've got when scrolling though 100s of profiles.

There have been a few times wherein I developed a great connection with a man I met online, NOT on a dating app, but on sites like this for example.

To quote a line from Jerry McGuire, he had me at hello, 100% truth!   Not even sure what it was exactly -  online chemistry? 

To this day I don't know but will never forget the feeling I had when he first messaged me, we just clicked, felt like I'd known him forever. 

We eventually exchanged pics, and I found him (his pic haha) super attractive..

But yeah I hear ya, some people put so much focus on the pics, they begin fantasizing and idealizing before even bothering to have a conversation!

That's why with online I have only two, one face shot and one body (clothed lol).

When a man asks me for more before meeting him in person, that tells me he's all about the pics, looks and fantasy and he gets deleted (in most cases).

I once attended an event "Dating in the Dark" where we were all in a dark room and all we had to go by was their voice and well, their personality and "vibe."

That was super interesting!  I didn't end up connecting with anyone though.

 

 

[ShySoul]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The guy finds the woman attractive and it's a flirt!

I don't get the sense his intent is to be sexist or harassing like the article I linked stated; I do find it annoying just as I do most standard pick-up lines.  To me, they're contrived. 

A lot of things people say may not have the intent to be sexist, harassing or demeaning. Some things may be said with the best of intentions. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Even if it's not your intent, those things still are demeaning. 

You also don't know what another person has been through or how they will take something. I'd be extra careful what I say to someone I don't know. I wouldn't want to risk insulting or even just annoying them. I mean, if the point is to have a conversation, why start with something that could potentially shut things down or make her roll her eyes and walk away?

I honestly just don't fit in this world of dating/flirting/being attracted to random people I just happen to see. I've never been anywhere and saw a person that I thought was attractive or felt compelled to talk to. Every single person I've ever thought more of has come based off their internal qualities after taking the time to develop a friendship. I've never had a need to flirt as the banter just happens because of how well we already get along. And I don't see the point in dating or seeing multiple people. Few people have stirred my soul in that way. What it happens,it happens naturally and I give it my full attention. No need to search through a bunch of stuff that goes nowhere .

To each there own. Guess I'll get comfy on my own little island. Plenty of room and the view is pretty nice. And shall I encounter another like minded soul, would make it paradise. 😁

[ShySoul]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I once attended an event "Dating in the Dark" where we were all in a dark room and all we had to go by was voice and well, their energy. 

I was considering posting this question, so this gives me the perfect excuse: What do blind people think of this topic?

They can't go off of someone's looks. A photo doesn't mean the same thing to them. And yet, they find love. There more intuned to other things - a voice, a scent (and not necessarily the spray on kind), a touch. Maybe people should take a page from there book. 

Maybe we should organize a Voice like matchmaking service. People sit back to back in big comfy chairs and if they both like what they hear they can push a button saying I want you then swivel around to see each other. 😉

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But yeah I hear ya, some people put so much focus on the pics, they begin fantasizing and idealizing before even bothering to have a conversation!

That's why with online I have only two, one face shot and one body (clothed lol).

No undressed pics until after the third date. Got to make them work for it. 😉

I'd also be tempted to put a random silly picture of something completely different. You're scrolling through person after person, everything blurring together. Then you see something completly different that makes you stop, look again, and laugh. Might stand out just as much as any high quality professional photo. Also sends the message I don't take myself or any of this too seriously. 

Maybe I need to find the right photo....

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I've seen posts claiming that women get 100+ likes/messages a day.  Maybe that's the case for young women or those whose photos are heavily Photoshopped, but I've never received anywhere near that number and no-one I know who's done OLD has either.

I think that can happen when they're brand-new to the site and still high-up on the algorithms. 

The 100+ likes/messages a day claim is definitely not the norm for most women on OLD. It may happen for a select few, as you mentioned, but for the majority I'm not sure. And even for those who do receive a lot of likes/messages, it’s not a guarantee that they will be from quality matches or that there will be a significant amount of compatibility. That's why it's claimed OLD is just a numbers game and people are swiping right on anyone and everyone.

Sometimes when you first join OLD you get flooded. It can feet disingenuous because of the sheer number of messages/likes and the quickness with which they occurred. Maybe in their minds it was the "numbers game" approach? 

I don't want to be negative and say that men are mostly looking for sex or men are mostly looking for superficial things, because there are men who are genuinely looking for a meaningful connection and have genuine intentions on OLD. I'm not sure those are the men that are constantly swiping right on every profile they see and messaging them. Then again, maybe they do in the hopes that ONE woman will respond. But a lot of men online dating can be readily sought after too, depending on how they construct their profiles in order to appeal to potential matches.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't know what that is!

The "I'm too sexy for my shirt song." 😆

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That's also basically sexist -women should smile etc. 

Yes, it could be construed as sexiest but I didn't interpret it as such. My initial thoughts were he's just trying to make conversation. He did say right after that he just new I had a gorgeous smile and that he was imaging how it would look. So he was completely superficial in his opening but I get that some men stick their foots into their mouth's too... 😊

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Yes, it could be construed as sexiest but I didn't interpret it as such. My initial thoughts were he's just trying to make conversation. He did say right after that he just new I had a gorgeous smile and that he was imaging how it would look. So he was completely superficial in his opening but I get that some men stick their foots into their mouth's too... 😊

Yes.  I feel uncomfortable when people tell me to smile or anything of the sort. In my life experience it is something routinely said to, and expected of, women.  (And sometimes children).  To each her own!  I didn't mind a man messaging me on a dating site complimenting my looks unless it was overtly sexual and if so the conversation ended right then.   

[yogacat]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  I feel uncomfortable when people tell me to smile or anything of the sort. In my life experience it is something routinely said to, and expected of, women.  (And sometimes children).  To each her own!  I didn't mind a man messaging me on a dating site complimenting my looks unless it was overtly sexual and if so the conversation ended right then.   

I view the "you should smile more comments" as trying to tell me to be something I'm not for their preferences. Not cool! I get to decide my smile... And personally the only times when I'm not smiling is when I am reflecting or upset or in deep concentration/thinking/analyzing. 

I also understand it could be meant as a compliment when backed up with praise (i.e. "you should smile more, I bet your smile is very nice, I'm imaging what it looks like"..I don't know, I can't recall word for word how he phrased it) but it made me feel uneasy.

Maybe that's sexist.

Either way, I wasn't impressed.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

I view the "you should smile more comments" as trying to tell me to be something I'm not for their preferences. Not cool! I get to decide my smile... And personally the only times when I'm not smiling is when I am reflecting or upset or in deep concentration/thinking/analyzing. 

I also understand it could be meant as a compliment when backed up with praise (i.e. "you should smile more, I bet your smile is very nice, I'm imaging what it looks like"..I don't know, I can't recall word for word how he phrased it) but it made me feel uneasy.

Maybe that's sexist.

Either way, I wasn't impressed.

Yes I'd feel the same. I don't need or want compliments like that.  And - I also understand that sometimes someone means well with a compliment even if it doesn't work for me.  My favorite compliment is when someone likes my sense of humor -either because they genuinely laugh or like my husband tells me when I've come up with a good joke or funny take on something.  

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I'd feel the same. I don't need or want compliments like that.  And - I also understand that sometimes someone means well with a compliment even if it doesn't work for me.  My favorite compliment is when someone likes my sense of humor -either because they genuinely laugh or like my husband tells me when I've come up with a good joke or funny take on something.  

I like when someone truly, unevocably, knows why I tick the way I tick... Oh and I love men that wear cool socks... especially if they pulled them off themself 😉 Oh, and their scent/cologne. Umhmm!

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I like when someone truly, unevocably, knows why I tick the way I tick... Oh and I love men that wear cool socks... especially if they pulled them off themself 😉 Oh, and their scent/cologne. Umhmm!

I've been complimented on my scent (natural baby), and that I can understand and see to the hearts of people and why they are who they are. However, I'm going to need some clarification on what would classify as cool socks. Strickly for research purposes, of course. 😉

And now I'm imagining how to show these cool socks in a profile picture without implying I have a foot fetish.  And how to show my scent? I don't think scratch and sniff screens are a thing yet. 😉

[yogacat]

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I've been complimented on my scent (natural baby), and that I can understand and see to the hearts of people and why they are who they are. However, I'm going to need some clarification on what would classify as cool socks. Strickly for research purposes, of course. 😉

And now I'm imagining how to show these cool socks in a profile picture without implying I have a foot fetish.  And how to show my scent? I don't think scratch and sniff screens are a thing yet. 😉

I know, can't really show those things online. lol. I was speaking in general terms.

I get complimented on my perfumes a lot, which I guess ties into the scent compliment. As for the latter comment, oh, I can see that. 😱😉

Socks? I can't give away all my little ticklish secrets! 😆 I like that they're kind of similar to ties or pocket squares. A little unexpected pop of personality in a typically mundane item. White athletic socks are spicy too!

Hmm.. We'll have to come up with a way you can show off those cool socks without ~~getting banned from the dating site~~ 🤪

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I get complimented on my perfumes a lot...

Can't go wrong with "Angel" eau de parfum by Thierry Mugler, which is my signature scent.

Guys go absolutely gaga for it!! 

I often wonder if it does increase their attraction!  In real of course until they develop smell-o-vision from our computers or something.

Which would bring online dating to a whole n'other level! 

[ShySoul]

41 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I often wonder if it does increase their attraction!  In real of course until they develop smell-o-vision from our computers or something.

Can't speak for other guys, but I'm generally not a fan of perfume. Can only think of one scent I really liked, though I am drawing a blank on the name. 

Think it was more the cherry on the sundae. Her personality, the smile and way she looked at me, the way she looked in her outfit, her touch, her voice... add in the scent and sensory overload, I'm gone!

Smell-o-vision virtual reality dating. That could either be brillant or a sign of the apocolypse. 😄

[yogacat]

45 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Can't go wrong with "Angel" eau de parfum by Thierry Mugler, which is my signature scent.

Guys go absolutely gaga for it!! 

I often wonder if it does increase their attraction!  In real of course until they develop smell-o-vision from our computers or something.

Which would bring online dating to a whole n'other level! 

I like just wearing brown sugar and vanilla, or something with coconut. Not too heavy. Maybe a little woodsy too. I like womens fragrances that have a bit of a masculine undertone. Don't know why. 

Online dating matched by scent/fragrance 🥰😅.