Navigating a relationship with someone still healing

[DarkCh0c0]

Ohh!! OP, I think you'll understand our rebound warnings in the, albeit sensual and romantic، episode #2 of Love Life serie. The episode is called Bradley Field. It's the name of the guy whom the main character falls for after he'd left his wife of 10 years. It showcases that rebounding aspect nicely without being philosophical at all. It's a comfort fun watch! 😊

[rainbowsandroses]

28 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

He made clear he was failing in love with Faith.

Okay but that is a "mixed message" because while he told her he was falling in love with her, he also told her he's not sure he's ready for a new relationship and "too enmeshed" with ex!

People who are conflicted are notorious for sending mixed messages!

"I am falling in love with you BUT.... I am not sure I am ready for a relationship and too enmeshed (i.e. have feelings for) my ex."  

What?  

Anyway, if I have learned anything in all my dating experiences and observing others and the world, it's be VERY cautious of anyone sending mixed messages like that.  They are confusing and can really screw a person's head up if they're not careful.

Even after he said it, Faith admitted she felt like the "other woman."  So there ya go....

Faith it sounds like your gut/intuition is speaking to you quite loudly, my last piece of advice is please don't ignore that "little voice," be cautious, be prudent, and do what you feel is best and right for you.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

35 minutes ago, Coily said:

Guess i need to revive "/sarcasm"

I got the joke Coily. I agree and liked it.

Unfortunately when I've used sarcasm, it's been used against me. So I'll walk on eggshells on the topic.

On second thought, nah. Let's just have fun with it.

Penis creature bad. Very, very bad. 😉

 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Penis creature bad. Very, very bad.

Come on, Faith's guy is NOT a "penis creature" no one said or even alluded to that.  lol 😉

He sounds like a "good guy" who is a bit conflicted, that's all.

He pretty much admitted it.

 

 

[ShySoul]

32 minutes ago, Openreach said:

Plus as myself and others have pointed out he has admitted to "not being ready"

On 8/14/2024 at 6:17 AM, Faithxxx said:

He has said himself that he questions if he is ready and that he wishes he met me a year further down the road when things were more stable. I pressured him to take a step back if he truly feels not ready for me and he said theres no way he's quitting what we have as he's falling in love. 

He questions if he is ready, which is not the same thing as saying he is not ready. There are doubts and uncertainties, as you would expect. But he is aware of them and openly acknowledges them. He is communicating his feelings with the person he is involved with. I would think those are positive signs that he is at least working through whatever doubts he has and could be able, with support and encouragement, to get past them.

I also think its important to not miss what else he admitted: "theres no way he's quitting what we have.'' If he wasn't sure or didn't think he was ready, he was given the get out of jail free card and told he could leave. He made the choice to stay. He felt he was ready enough to keep exploring what they have. And he did it emphatically.

To be fair, I don't have experience being in a rebound relationship. But it's not matching what I've heard on the subject. I'm not seeing the relationship is a direct reaction to splitting from his ex. It's not happening quickly, if anything it's going to slowly for Faith. I'm not seeing any signs he is using this to cover his hurt feelings over losing someone. He has been separated for nearly two years and admits there wasn't any love or feelings for much longer then that. 

The only rebound thing I'm picking up is that she happens to be the first official relationship post the ex. Some woman is bound to be that. Doesn't necessarily make it a "rebound relationship" or a sign that there are unresolved feelings that will get in the way.

This all comes down to what Faith and him wants. If they believes they have something special, then I believe it. If the two of them are happy together, then I hope they enjoy being together without the added concerns and worries of potential issues that haven't happened yet. Take things as they come and work through them together.

 

[ShySoul]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Come on, Faith's guy is NOT a "penis creature" no one said or even alluded to that.  lol 😉

He sounds like a "good guy" who is a bit conflicted, that's all.

He pretty much admitted it.

See, I knew saying that was going to get me in trouble. Now I've been the bad penis creature. 😉

Ok, I retract that statement in this case. I hereby return to him the title of "nice, decent, good guy."

Maybe we should paraphase from Animal Farm in the future: "all penis creatures are bad, but some are more bad then others." 😂

[rainbowsandroses]

43 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

He questions if he is ready, which is not the same thing as saying he is not ready. There are doubts and uncertainties, as you would expect. But he is aware of them and openly acknowledges them. He is communicating his feelings with the person he is involved with. I would think those are positive signs that he is at least working through whatever doubts he has and could be able, with support and encouragement, to get past them.

I also think its important to not miss what else he admitted: "theres no way he's quitting what we have.'' If he wasn't sure or didn't think he was ready, he was given the get out of jail free card and told he could leave. He made the choice to stay. He felt he was ready enough to keep exploring what they have. And he did it emphatically.

To be fair, I don't have experience being in a rebound relationship. But it's not matching what I've heard on the subject. I'm not seeing the relationship is a direct reaction to splitting from his ex. It's not happening quickly, if anything it's going to slowly for Faith. I'm not seeing any signs he is using this to cover his hurt feelings over losing someone. He has been separated for nearly two years and admits there wasn't any love or feelings for much longer then that. 

The only rebound thing I'm picking up is that she happens to be the first official relationship post the ex. Some woman is bound to be that. Doesn't necessarily make it a "rebound relationship" or a sign that there are unresolved feelings that will get in the way.

This all comes down to what Faith and him wants. If they believes they have something special, then I believe it. If the two of them are happy together, then I hope they enjoy being together without the added concerns and worries of potential issues that haven't happened yet. Take things as they come and work through them together.

 

@ShySoul curious what your thoughts are regarding his statement that he's "too enmeshed" with his ex.  Present tense.

How do you interpret that?

I am trying to keep an open mind however sadly I have witnessed too many instances of this exact sitch or very similar where the woman (or man if roles were reversed) was understanding, patient and supportive while their partner worked through their shyt and it literally never worked out well.

Yes I understand he said he was "falling in love" and "no way I am quitting what we have" and all those positive things and if Faith (or anyone in this type of sitch) wants to focus solely on that message and ignore the other LESS positive message (not sure I'm ready, too enmeshed with my ex), that is certainly their prerogative.

Me?  I utilize both logic and emotion (or try to), I pay attention to words and actions, when I receive a mixed message, I pay attention to BOTH messages not just the positive one, the one I want to hear.

Just me and again Faith should do what is right for HER. 

Inserting laugh emoji before someone else does.🤣😉

 

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

He questions if he is ready, which is not the same thing as saying he is not ready.

SS, of course he's not going to tell her "I am not ready for a RL," that is much too definitive and basically means the end of the relationship.  No one in their right mind (assuming a relationship is what they want) would stick around when their partner makes a statement as definitive as that.

"Not sure I am ready" is a kinder, more gentle and frankly passive way of saying essentially the same thing IMO.

If me, my first question after that would be "well, what needs to happen before you are sure you are ready"?

I have actually asked that!  And it left the guy speechless because what he actually meant was he wasn't ready and hoped I got that message and stepped back so he didn't have to be a "bad guy" and step back himself.

If it happened now, I wouldn't ask him anything, I would just know this wasn't the best time to be embarking on a new relationship and step back myself.
 

JMO!!!😂

 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Faithxxx said:

Those are all very good and sobering points. I will consider them carefully. I think I need to be very clear about my own concerns here and I need to observe his actions in response to my concerns. And yes, I need to be careful to keep things at a slow pace.

Yes, I understand. the problem with telling a rebounder that you fear that he's rebounding. It's that they, themselves, can't see it. So it's up to each of us to look out for ourselves and become the sane person within an insane situation.

This doesn't mean that the guy is a villain, he just has tunnel vision when it comes to his own comfort and his own desired outcomes. The problem there is a blind spot, where he gets exactly what he desires in the moment, only to recognize later that he missed a spot.

He's already told you that he wishes he met you later. There's a reason for that, and it doesn't make him a bad guy. But rather than have a discussion that seeks for him to answer correctly and tow the 'right' line in your estimation, the problem with that is that he'll certainly do that--only to discover LATER that it's not the right line for him.

This is the issue with rebounders. They own no foresight. This doesn't mean that they're stupid or manipulative, it only means that you're the one with ownership of foresight, despite that what you see runs counter to what you wish were true.

So the discussion I'd have is not one of seeking reassurance, because it's not his to give at this time. He can't see what you see. So I'd rather pave the way toward a future outcome that benefits both of us rather than rely on the faulty judgement of a destabilized person.

I'd tell him that I can appreciate how and why this is a destabilizing time for him, and I'd like to give him some breathing room to navigate his new need to find stability with his visitation with his children in addition to stability on his own, without his ex's involvement in his life. And so, I'm crediting him with the ability to work through this turbulence, and once he does that, and he feels secure in his solo relationship with his children, he's welcome to reach out to let me know.

In the meantime, I'm pulling for him, even while I also heard him when he expressed a wish to have met me at a later time. So, I'm offering him the ability to do that, and I trust him to appreciate that and do his best with it for the sake of all involved.

[yogacat]

Perhaps they never really wanted to get married but did so because they had a child and that's the 1950's way of doing things but that's another story. That doesn't necessarily mean he's against marriage with the right person.

I would wonder why he would stay so long though? I've read that staying together in a platonic relationship can rear it's head in to protect the other person's feelings, delay the inevitable and yes, probably the kids involved.

But then, how do you work that out?

Complacency, yes. But, why? Fear of starting over? Fear of change? Not wanting to let go of finding that someone special.

I know that his sense of worth from what he has said has suffered. And he's only beginning to realize this now as he gradually finds out who he really is.

So yes, patience while also not losing yourself in the process. Which, can be quite the challenge.

I would be mindful of how he handles every thing going forward. For sure you learn from someone's actions toward you as well as their words. I hope his actions calm your worries. Your relationship is still new and it's understandable that he is still dealing with the aftermath of his previous long-term relationship. If he is actively working on healing and moving forward, that's a good sign. If her interference and their communication is causing rifts between you, etc. then I would start to be a little more apprehensive.

That would tell me that they're still some emotional involvement there.

Which, there is bound to be...

But that it would be a bit "heavier."

Whether it's romantic or not it will rear its head in some way at some point.

I would hope he's being open and transparent with you regarding these instances. I wouldn't want to put pressure on him but I think it is a good thing to continue being vocal about your expectations and boundaries as he proceeds through his divorce and is dealing with his previous commitments, financial ties, co- parenting and overall healing. 

[ShySoul]

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

curious what your thoughts are regarding his statement that he's "too enmeshed" with his ex.  Present tense.

How do you interpret that?

I saw it as acknowledging the situation. He said it after the ex said to stop contact. Her saying that forced him out of the passive comfort zone he was in. It made him confront that maybe he had been to close to the wife still. And in that moment, he still was as it was just dawning on him that maybe something needed to change.

When you're enmeshed or tangled up in something, it takes work to get yourself untangled. If it was a simple matter of tossing something aside, you wouldn't be saying you were enmeshed. Looking up the word (got to be safe), I see difficult situation from which it is hard to escape. Which is apt here. Given a long history and children, he can't fully extract himself and it might be difficult to separate partially.

I took it as him saying he needs to separate more. The act of doing so is an ongoing thing that I don't think we can judge yet as it's just started. I'm hoping he will work on that and take that time to spend more with Faith and build up what they have. Untangle yourself from one, while becoming closer to the one you do want to be with. I don't think that because he has been too enmeshed with one person, that it means he isn't or can't work his way out of it. 

I also think that having the love and support of someone you care about at your side can make it easier to unmesh yourself. It was the biggest factor in helping me reconcile something I went through that I did want to cling onto. But knowing someone better for me was there made it easier to let go of what I realized was too damaging.

44 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Me?  I utilize both logic and emotion (or try to), I pay attention to words and actions, when I receive a mixed message, I pay attention to BOTH messages not just the positive one, the one I want to hear.

I know I probably seem to focus more on emotions, but I've also been teased for being Mr Spock. I try to be the balance of logic and emotion, words and actions. And I agree, it's good to take in everything and be cautious.

But I'm also a romantic at heart that wants to see the best in people and believe things can work out. I've seen too much bad. It makes me want to fight for the good. And I see two people here who I think can do it. It'll take work and won't be easy, but it's possible.

52 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Faith should do what is right for HER. 

Nuff said from me!!!

Ditto.

Okay, going to try and unmesh myself from this thread. Think everyone knows my view by now. And most probably wish they didn't. 😂

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

I also think that having the love and support of someone you care about at your side can make it easier to unmesh yourself. It was the biggest factor in helping me reconcile something I went through that I did want to cling onto.

Oh I have no doubt having her love and support made it easier for YOU!  What I (and others) are concerned about is it the right thing for Faith!

What happened to the girl once, with HER love and support, you were fully healed?

You don't have to answer, I mean we could go round and round until hell freezes over, I was just curious.

From my observations, once the person is done healing, they realize that the current person, the one whose love and support helped them heal, isn't needed any longer nor the right person either.

It wasn't manipulative, but their partner served as a loving support system versus two emotionally healthy individuals embarking on a new and exciting experience together for all the right reasons.

It's what @catfeedertalked about in her post about "rebounds" which was a great post by the way.

I learned something new and valuable myself from reading it!

 

[Batya33]

 

I agree with the approach Catfeeder suggested.

My friend met a man in a bar in the late 90s 2000s.  Gorgeous man.  She was not actually- she always saw him as way out of her league (yes she's attractive but he looked like a male model).  Both in their early 30s. He called her soon after and he said he was just getting out of a long term relationship with his partner -never married -and they had a son.  Could he call her in (I think it was 2 or 3 months) when he would feel more settled and out of the relationship.  She said yes and hung up and figured would never hear from him again.  I do not think they'd had sex or anything but I'm sure they danced/flirted at the bar.  Well he called when he said he would and they got married a couple of years later.  Now -he ended up not being a good guy and they are still legally married but I think it's -dicey.  But I always loved that story -he was honest and also backed away because as he explained he didn't want to mess things up by not being ready.

[rainbowsandroses]

@Faithxxxnot sure if you're still reading but if you are, a final thought should you choose to play this RL out, which I assuming you will.

PLEASE don't don't become his "therapist" or "best friend" listening to all his issues re his EX etc believing in the end you will be rewarded with his everlasting love for all your understanding and patience.

Please do some reading on rebound relationships and also men with commitment issues which I do believe he has even though he's been in this chaotic RL for 23 years.

In fact, his commitment issues are precisely why he remained in such a chaotic dysfunctional relationship for 23 years, it's a built-in excuse for NOT committing!  (i.e. getting married).  To me this is as clear as day.

I mean think about it, if the RL were going well, he'd have no excuse and he be feeling that pressure to get married.  Those with commitment issues actually prefer chaotic dysfunctional relationships for just this reason -- a built-in excuse to NOT commit/not get married.

I don't know whether he created the chaos with his ambivalence or what, all I know is that when someone is serious about wanting to get married, they do NOT remain in a relationship for 23 YEARS using the excuse "there were too many issues and the marriage never happened."

A person serious about getting married would END a relationship with "too many issues" and seek something more stable and marriage oriented. 

Also keep in mind those with commitment issues are notorious for playing women against each other.  In reality, they don't want to commit to either one!  He will go back and forth, telling you what you need to hear to stay, keeping you both dangling and essentially driving you both crazy.

His EX was smart going NC.  No doubt, she's had enough and when he told her about you, that was the final nail in the coffin.

Anyway, you may ignore all this and that's OKAY.  Like I said before, I have found when people create threads like this, what they're really seeking is reassurance and support versus honest forthright opinions based on our experience and perceptions that go against their own desires.

Be smart, be careful and take care of you!  It's your heart after all.

All the best.

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

He obviously has a pattern of prolonging situations that are emotionally unhealthy for himself, which seems to be his comfort level. If not for the two women in his life objecting and forcing his hand to change his present way of behaving concerning his involvement with his ex and their house, he'd not evolve on his own. With a person like this, do you really think in another year as he said, that there would be huge changes on his end when he's shown his way of changing goes at a snail's pace?

I don't see any reason he should've mentioned you unless he's about to introduce his children to you. Is this the case, or not?

I'd also be concerned if he doesn't want to play the field more, as many tend to do, before going back into a serious relationship after he's just left a very long one. I'm not saying every person feels the need to do this, but it's certainly worth not having the wool pulled over your eyes about that possibility. 

Certainly, you can have a wait-and-see attitude and see if there is progress in his transition from his old life while entering a new way of being. You're probably about to emerge from the honeymoon period with him, so moving into a more realistic period, where the hormonal highs of a new relationship will begin to settle back to normal, will likely be very telling.

I don't know what your life is like besides dating, but be sure you do keep up with time spent with girlfriends, hobbies, family, and enjoyable solo time to ensure that if a break up happens, it doesn't hit you harder than normal because you have a fulfilling life besides dating.

At your age, you also should think about what a financial future with him will look like since his money might be extremely tight until his children reach adulthood, and if you're willing to forego vacations and have to be the one footing the bill on the majority of dates. There's no guarantee a judge will force the sale of the home, because if it's the children's primary shelter and when one parent doesn't want to sell, the judge might rule it can't be sold until both children are adults.

Take care and keep us updated.

[Faithxxx]

Hi everyone, 

I've read all replies and I thank you all for your time. I will be staying with this relationship. He is a good man and very matched to me. We all know that that doesn't come along very often. He is not perfect and I don't expect him to be but he's defiantly worth giving a solid chance to. 

A few things- he did date other women casually after the break-up and before meeting me- a few kisses, few dates- no sex. Once we got together it was clear it was really good. We waited over three months to have sex. We were both nervous and wanted to get to know each other properly. I think that really worked in our favour.  Anyway, we will see how it develops. 

I just wanted to thank everyone for your very helpful replies. I have read everything and considered the advice that I think applies to my relationship. Some advice has been very helpful. I used to come to enotalone many years ago and was very active on here for many years- it's nice to see some of the old reliables' are still on here helping people out (Catfeeder, Batya). Of course, people don't come on here to blindly follow the advice that random strangers give them. We come on to here to hear and consider the perspectives of outside people- some of that advice can be very mixed and that's okay, its my job to take whats helpful and dismiss what I don't feel is correct.

Thank you for all your well wishes. 

[ShySoul]

On 8/15/2024 at 3:12 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

Oh I have no doubt having her love and support made it easier for YOU!  What I (and others) are concerned about is it the right thing for Faith!

What happened to the girl once, with HER love and support, you were fully healed?

The girl who helped me through the pain? I saw how much I loved and cared about her. I saw that the better person had been in front of me the whole time without me even realizing it. And I started something that remains the greatest friendship I've ever had, a support system that remains just as strong as ever.

I care about Faith as well, hence why I am saying exactly what worked for me. I believe it can work and know it can work, because it did.

 

[ShySoul]

20 hours ago, Faithxxx said:

I've read all replies and I thank you all for your time. I will be staying with this relationship. He is a good man and very matched to me. We all know that that doesn't come along very often. He is not perfect and I don't expect him to be but he's defiantly worth giving a solid chance to. 

Good to hear Faith. I hope things can work out for you.

Love is never perfect. No one is perfect. It is difficult and can be a pain to get through all the messes we create. But if you believe in what you have and are willing to work together, you can get through just about anything.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

And I started something that remains the greatest friendship I've ever had, a support system that remains just as strong as ever.

Oh, and that was a mutual support system and friendship if it wasn't clear. I've tried to give back everything she's given me tenfold. I've been there for her through a lot and will hopefully be able to be there for her for many years to come.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Oh, and that was a mutual support system and friendship if it wasn't clear. I've tried to give back everything she's given me tenfold. I've been there for her through a lot and will hopefully be able to be there for her for many years to come.

Fabulous!  I sense @Faithxxxwants more than friendship and a mutual support system, not that those things aren't important.  

She wants love, she wants intimacy (emotionally and physically) she wants marriage someday.

Are you still in a romantic relationship with her, did you marry her?  

NO.

That's my only point however @Faithxxx, I respect your decision and truly do hope it works out for you!! 

 

[ShySoul]

50 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fabulous!  I sense @Faithxxxwants more than friendship and a mutual support system, not that those things aren't important.  

She wants love, she wants intimacy (emotionally and physically) she wants marriage someday.

Are you still in a romantic relationship with her, did you marry her?  

NO.

Sometimes there are external factors beyond your control. But nothing would have happened we hadn't tried. We had intimacy, emotional and physical. And we are still closer then friends. Not sure there is a word for it, but it's special.

There's never any way to know what the future will hold. You can't guarantee anything will work out in the long run. But the two of them seem willing to work together and be happy in this moment. And that's what count. They can face the future as it unfolds.

Faith, again, I'm happy for you. Hope it works out for you.