I have feelings for my friend but telling her could ruin a lot

[shakeNbakericky]

So I have a friend that over the past 2-4 months I'd say I have begun to like romantically as well as a friend but for the usual just fear of confessing I also stress over some of her past. For context, she has had multiple instances where friends of hers just were friendly simply in hopes of getting with her and they've gone south quickly after being rejected. I fear that I'll be lumped in with them if I tell her how I feel and I also feel like I am just as bad as one of them if I keep hiding this from her so there doesn't seem to be a win in this situation for anyone. We've been friends about 2 years now and I do not wanna ruin it but telling her makes me think there's a chance she'll think those two years were for that but not telling her is just as bad as I feel like I'm deceiving her for not only these past couple months but also for the future and overall I just really don't want her to get hurt with any of my decisions but it's seeming like its almost inevitable. By all means, if I do come clean at a certain point it will be simply for that, not necessarily to start anything as not 100% as of recent, but I think I know what her response would be to this information. All in all I'm just very conflicted as to what I should do.

[Kwothe28]

55 minutes ago, shakeNbakericky said:

For context, she has had multiple instances where friends of hers just were friendly simply in hopes of getting with her and they've gone south quickly after being rejected.

But that is a normal thing to happen. I mean not “friends in hopes on getting with her” part, but going south after rejected part. If you do get rejected, are you telling me you would just stand there while in a week or so she finds another boyfriend and parades him around you? After stuff like that, its normal that you cant be close friends as before. You arent friends at all in a close meaning of that word. You harbor feelings for her. You are not just her friend. 

That being said, you are right. Unless she harbors feelings for you(which has incredibly low chance, more likely she friendzoned you as she did with other men before and doesnt see you as a boyfriend material) there is no “win” here. You will inevitably ruin friendship with her and couldnt be friends as before. Which is again, fine. After all, you arent friends when one of you harbors feelings. 

[Coily]

The question, as Kwothe mentioned, is do you want to just sit on your hands when some new guy of hers is in your face? Look, you have two options. Tell her something or be her emotional towel when some Boyfriend crops up?

That said, don't make it some confession or proclamation of never ending love. Rather consider this: Let her know that you are getting too close emotionally, it's not fair to the friendship. So, you need to step back a bit.

[Batya33]

Does she have or has she had a boyfriend over the 2 years you've been friends with her?

[AuthenticSelf]

13 hours ago, shakeNbakericky said:

For context, she has had multiple instances where friends of hers just were friendly simply in hopes of getting with her and they've gone south quickly after being rejected.

What happen to all these guys after getting the rejection? 

Do you mean they are only friendly with her just in hope of getting with her? 

If you get rejection, is there any changes in your behavior and action to her? 

13 hours ago, shakeNbakericky said:

I fear that I'll be lumped in with them if I tell her how I feel and I also feel like I am just as bad as one of them if I keep hiding this from her so there doesn't seem to be a win in this situation for anyone.

What is supposed to happen for you to eliminate that fear of being lumped in with them? 

[ShySoul]

Any choice you make will run the risk of hurt feelings. Anytime feelings are involved there is a chance it will hurt. But there is also the chance of something more. It's a gamble. But the bigger the risk, the bigger the potential reward.

Take it one step at a time. First, how do you really feel about her? Does the thought of her give you butterflies? Do you find yourself wondering off and daydreaming about her? Do you look forward to seeing her, being in her presence give you that extra kick? If it starts reaching that point then you need to say something. You will only be hurting yourself by not opening up. Keeping it all bottled in will only drive you crazy and fill you with regret and sadness, eventually losing your chance for good when someone else tells her instead.

If you do tell her, don't worry about anyone else. You aren't those guys. Her relationship with you isn't her relationship with them. All that matters is the conversation you have with her.

If you don't want her to get the wrong impression, then be honest about things and speak from the heart. Tell the truth. You didn't expect to have feelings, but they grew. You value the friendship and don't want to damage it. However she feels, you don't want to pressure her or mess up what you currently have. But you needed to get it out in the open and say what you are feeling. 

I've found most people appreciate the honesty and will think its sweet. They aren't likely to judge you and will give you back the same honesty and compassion. Even if it's not meant to be, they can continue with the friendship. The reason these other people failed with her is because the friendship was a lie in the first place. But if you approach it with honesty and sincerity, there is a good chance things can at least continue as friends and possibly as more.

[ShySoul]

And don't believe it's normal for a friendship to go south if one person doesn't return another's affections. Yes, it happens. But there are plenty of people who can maintain good, close friendships despite one having had feelings for the other. I've seen it happen several times.

If things don't work out romantically for you, it may sting for a time. But that feeling doesn't last. If you have built a solid friendship for the past few months, then it can endure.

You also can't tell what will happen in the future. Who says she would be parading a new guy in front of you? It could easily be you who finds someone you are interested in. She could get jealous. Or you could have accepted things because you and her had a reasonable conversation about it. Seeing her with someone who makes her happy might be okay because in the end you will know she is happy. 

It is entirely possible for two people to have a conversation about their feelings, agree to not take things further, and for both sides to come out of feeling okay. It is entirely possible to continue the friendship, and even become stronger friends afterwards.

[rainbowsandroses]

I don't think you need to "confess" or "come clean" about your feelings or anything, that is an extremely odd way of viewing this.

I am curious what you are basing these newfound "feelings" you have on?  Do you find her attractive, HOT?  

I ask because in my experience, when something is happening between two people, they BOTH feel it, they both KNOW it, it's their energy, how they vibe together, it all just comes together.  And they will gradually and organically begin moving closer to each other emotionally and then physically.  Even if it begins as just a friendship.

If that is NOT happening, which is the sense I get, simply begin distancing yourself.  No words need to be spoken at all, whether it's you confessing or telling her you are getting too close emotionally.  I am a woman and trust me, you do NOT want to be saying this to a woman who considers you only a friend.  It will not serve you well.

Simply begin distancing.  She may begin wondering about you and that's OKAY!  Even good!   Let her wonder.  Wondering and uncertainty is one way of building attraction so it's possible when you distance, she MAY discover she has feelings for you too.

And she will reach out and it will all come together, naturally and organically.  It's happened to me and other women I know.

If not, then you move on.

Your so called "friendship" is disingenuous because you have an another agenda other than friendship and that's a form of deception.

Not cool.

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, shakeNbakericky said:

I feel like I'm deceiving her for not only these past couple months but also for the future

Did you go into this trying to get with her and only being her friend to get closer to her? That would be deceiving her.

If instead you started just having a regular friendship but found your feelings growing as you got to know her, then that's not deceiving her. It's not an ulterior motive or agenda. It's how things work. You don't control who he have feelings for, they develop. It's not something you could have controlled, and not something you did to lie to or hurt her. So cut yourself a break on that part.

[Andrina]

Although some men and women can be lifetime friends, this happens in fewer instances than same-gender friendships. Because hanging out the way you used to with in-depth conversations will probably go to the back burner or the friendship might even end when one or both of you eventually meets a serious partner. As for her, her bf would sense you want more from his gf and he might give her an ultimatum, or she might see it's bad for her primary relationship and let your friendship fade.

If you have any hope she might feel more for you than friendship, in your shoes, I might say: We get along so well as friends. What would you think about actually trying to go on a date?

IMO, I don't think you have anything more to lose than if you don't say anything at all. Because as I've said, I don't think what you have with her will be sustained in its present state, anyway.

If she says no, actually you'll win in another way because you can emotionally move on and bond with a single, available lady instead. This friendship's been a barrier to that.

[greendots]

How can you be so certain that she only sees you as a friend? What if she never thought of you romantically because it didn't cross her mind at all.

Friends can become a couple. In fact, a solid friendship is a great foundation. Add to that a deepening emotional connection with mutual attraction.

She just needs to see you in a different light. In practical terms, don't declare your feelings right off the bat. Instead, provided she is single, flirt with her, have a positive attitude, be fun to be around and do all that stuff that leads to building attraction which leads to romance. And no, I'm not talking about sex. Should she be responsive, escalate.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, greendots said:

She just needs to see you in a different light. In practical terms, don't declare your feelings right off the bat. Instead, provided she is single, flirt with her, have a positive attitude, be fun to be around and do all that stuff that leads to building attraction which leads to romance. And no, I'm not talking about sex. Should she be responsive, escalate.

I like this idea!! 

In fact, I had forgotten about this but it's what my first serious boyfriend began doing after one year of "friendship" - one night while we were out and had a few drinks, he kissed me!!

And that was pretty much it.  I recall not even knowing how I felt about him because I always thought he saw me as a friend!  

But then after he kissed me?  Well, I knew after that.

It's all in his kiss...... lol 😂

 

 

[ShySoul]

33 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I like this idea!! 

In fact, I had forgotten about this but it's what my first serious boyfriend began doing after one year of "friendship" - one night while we were out and had a few drinks, he kissed me!!

And that was pretty much it.  I recall not even knowing how I felt about him because I always thought he saw me as a friend!  

But then after he kissed me?  Well, I knew after that.

It's all in his kiss...... lol 😂

 

That was bold. Glad it worked for him. Don't imagine I'd do to well with that. My luck I'd get a pull back and confused stare. 

I have experienced ''the look'' though. There's a moment when the connection is so intense that you can read it in each others eyes. I was with one friend just lying there, looked in her eyes, and I was gone.

If you feel it, its worth pursuing. Spend the time together, make the effort to put your best self forward. See what happens. When the moment comes to say or do something, you'll know. But the worse thing to do is bottle it up and do nothing. You'll end up regretting it forever.

[yogacat]

Here is a potential scenario for how it may play out:

You stuff those feelings down and have this long drawn out painful crush on- your- friend thing happening..... Oy, those can be tough to get over!

You tell her how you feel, she may be flattered but also express that she sees you only as a friend. You may feel disheartened or awkward for a little while, and your friendship continues. She might meet someone, you might meet someone, and your friendship transitions back to being totally normal.

Or, drum roll...

She could be like - you know, having the warm and desi feels all this time herself...

Storytime, I've had two long term friends confess feelings for me after years of friendship (sadly I did return them). I knew it was kinda headed in that direction because sometimes they'd ramp up a flirt a bit here and there. Our friendships were able to bounce back fairly easily. On the flipper, a friend who is now married, her husband and her were friends for like 10 years! He always had a "secret thing for her..." One day, he and her, I don't know what or how it happened, but they fell madly in love with each other!

So you see, it can go one of multiple ways, and the sad truth is, you'll never know which it is, unless you tell her. Or, you can play the waiting game. Or, let things unfold organically.

Pick your poison.