my LD boyfriend isn‘t a nice person in real life

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I had a second date with a nice guy who owned a kick boxing studio.  He told me proudly how a fellow passenger had stared or looked at him rudely so he threatened to beat him up.  I don't remember if he followed  through -I don't remember because I didn't care - I heard all I needed to know. Last date.

I had a first date with a person in law enforcement. He told me he was on suspension because he beat up a gang member. Thought that was odd in so many ways, I didn't want to find out more and the first date was the last.

7 minutes ago, shellpy said:

I genuinely do hate it. I tend to just shut down completely and can‘t bring myself to talk to him for days after until i feel lonely and just need someone. 
I have a very hard time standing up for myself and leaving situations that are bad for me.

I have tried breaking up with him 3 times but every time he tells me he will do better and i go back. I am not into this at all, i just lacked the self confidence and the self respect to leave.

I wrote my reasons down on a list now so i don‘t forget. He is at work right now so i‘ll be breaking up tomorrow morning over the phone.

 

He's shattered your self-confidence and self-respect.

You need to become strong before entering any relationship, otherwise your life will continue to be miserable.

I wouldn't break up with him over the phone, you've taken him back before and he might try to change your decision. Be firm and don't reveal anything personal to him that you don't need to. If he becomes argumentative, just tell him you've made your decision and not to contact you again.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I had a first date with a person in law enforcement. He told me he was on suspension because he beat up a gang member. Thought that was odd in so many ways, I didn't want to find out more and the first date was the last.

Believe it or not, there are women who get turned on by this sort of thing.  Probably more than we realize!

There are men who DO seem proud of it, on the men's forum I used to frequent (I don't anymore), there were men who literally bragged about it, they're under the warped impression it makes them appear "masculine" or something and this is encouraged by the media etc.

Did you ever see the movie "Goodfellas"?  True story about Henry Hill who at a young age was lured into joining the Mafia in his neighborhood and his young wife Karen whom he married and remained married to for many years.

There was a scene wherein a male neighbor hit on Karen and Henry literally beat the living crap out of him right in front of Karen.

She admitted (during a narrative) that this turned her COMPLETELY on, Henry even asked her to hold his gun which turned her on more!

Again, true story.

Below is the video clip.  Great movie by the way, one of my faves!!  Despite all the violence.

RIP Ray Liotta...

 

 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, shellpy said:

I genuinely do hate it. I tend to just shut down completely and can‘t bring myself to talk to him for days after until i feel lonely and just need someone. 
I have a very hard time standing up for myself and leaving situations that are bad for me.

I have tried breaking up with him 3 times but every time he tells me he will do better and i go back. I am not into this at all, i just lacked the self confidence and the self respect to leave.

I wrote my reasons down on a list now so i don‘t forget. He is at work right now so i‘ll be breaking up tomorrow morning over the phone.

I'd tell him as soon as possible, before you lose the nerve. Every second that passes is another moment to doubt and hesitant. Cut yourself free as soon as you can.

The problem with people like this is that there is just enough positive things and good moments to make you doubt yourself. It's difficult to reconcile the two sides that you have seen. You want to keep believing in the good person. You want to believe they will change for you. But at a cetain point the bad becomes too overwhelming. The person you see in person is them. And that is not someone healthy to be around. 

It's okay to feel lonely, we all do at times. We often struggle to separate ourselves from things we know are bad for us. But staying there just hurts us more and will only leave us more lonely. If you want to be truly happy, you need to focus on loving and embracing yourself more.

You have all the strength you need inside of you. You can break away from him, for good. 

It always comes down to respect. He's not respecting you. So respect yourself and walk away,

[ShySoul]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Believe it or not, there are women who get turned on by this sort of thing.  Probably more than we realize!

There are men who DO seem proud of it, on the men's forum I used to frequent (I don't anymore), there were men who literally bragged about it, they're under the warped impression it makes them appear "masculine" or something and this is encouraged by the media etc.

Toxic masculinity and gender stereotyping are way to pervasive in society. It factors into so much of how people behave and how they think things should be. And those who believe in it tend to isolate themselves in echo chambers and reinforce the same negative way of thinking.

I really have never understood why anyone would be proud to talk about getting into fights or think that somehow makes them a man. And I'll never get why someone would be turned on by such violence. I'll always say a real man uses words not fists and compassion instead of anger. The measure of a man is heart and if he treats people with respect and kindness.

Even those into martial arts know it's for self defense and a last resort. Fighting is nothing to brag about and doesn't make you more of a man. Probably the opposite.

[DarkCh0c0]

22 hours ago, shellpy said:

 catch in the sense that it‘s very hard to find guys from my culture that are not muslims that have morals that align with mine. I might also just be thinking this because i never actually searched for someone like that

You're 21 and it's your first relationship. He is not a catch.

Ofc he's got a good side. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to lure you in. But his anger, rudeness and disrespect are HUGE deal breakers and should send you running to the hills.

There are plenty of muslim men who will treat you right, be kind, consistent, thoughtful and sweet to you.

2 hours ago, shellpy said:

have tried breaking up with him 3 times but every time he tells me he will do better and i go back. I am not into this at all, i just lacked the self confidence and the self respect to leave.

You got the courage. He might beg, plead, scream, guilt trip or use a manipulation tactic but you tell him that's it. It's definite. Please block him everywhere afterwards and go no contact for forever.

Usually men like him will want their victims to stay because they don't want to put in all the work again to find another one. He'd have to date, fake nice and pretend to care for a while as he hopes another lady with poor self esteem and experience doesn't see his through bs. 

You got this. You got the courage.

[TeeDee]

23 hours ago, shellpy said:

Does this sound fixable or am i overreacting? this is my first relationship, i know this isn‘t not normal but i am not sure if this is worth breaking up over if he is fine in private.

You are not overreacting.  It might be fixable but that is unlikely. 

My husband was a bad tipper when we 1st met & rarely asked if I wanted anything.  If you outside of the US where tipping is not the cultural norm, that would be part of it.  After 15 years of being married my husband is better about thinking of others but that took a lot of work for him to get to the point where he finally learned to say "would you like something?" when he got himself a drink or something to eat.   He still misses a lot of social conventions.  For example he's going to his father's this week without me by my choice & I had to remind him not to show up empty handed. 

My husband was never rude or aggressive.  That part may not be fixable. 

9 hours ago, shellpy said:

Im done with him i just need to let him know

Good for you! 

 

3 hours ago, shellpy said:

I have a very hard time standing up for myself and leaving situations that are bad for me.

I have tried breaking up with him 3 times but every time he tells me he will do better and i go back. I am not into this at all, i just lacked the self confidence and the self respect to leave.

I wrote my reasons down on a list now so i don‘t forget. He is at work right now so i‘ll be breaking up tomorrow morning over the phone.

You have to work on this part of yourself.  You can't be a doormat.  Good for you for writing down your reasons & picking a medium where you can't be bullied.   

[Cherylyn]

I've known men like your boyfriend.  ☹️  They're actually scary and dangerous. 😠 😡 You are putting your safety at risk. 

Also,  I've known men (and women) who behave properly in snippets and only when they feel like it.  Then when you get to know them better,  they're very disdainful and ugly.  The best thing for you to do is escape and then tell yourself you've since fled. 

Many times,  I observe serene and content people in my midst and they're wises because they're authentic truth tellers regarding how they think and their unwavering,  steadfast principles.  They value basic virtues such as respect,  dignity,  integrity and honorable behavior.  Anyone who falls short of their checklist is automatically disqualified to be in their life.  Rejects are eliminated in order to survive one's sanity.  They're quite strict and I admire them because only recently have I had the courage to follow suit.  The happiest people know how to control their lives so it's normal and stable.  There are no other exceptions whatsoever or so I've noticed.  🫢

There are times when the relationship is hopeless and you hit a wall.  There is no other recourse except to go your own way courageously and in order to protect yourself from future harm.  This is absolute and then you feel empowered,  develop high self esteem,  self confidence and self worth.  Be kind to yourself because at the end of the day,  no one cares more for your welfare except you.