my LD boyfriend isn‘t a nice person in real life

[shellpy]

Hey!

Pls bear with me, i will have to give some context to make it make sense!

We are both 21 and met online. 

Inside, over text he‘ll be the kindest soul but the second we step a step outside he turns angry and just rude with no manners at all. 

He doesn‘t compliment me (today i literally got 2 compliments from guys when he was literally right next to me but he did not say A THING), he gets extremely angry when he is driving his car (even when it‘s like not a big deal), he won‘t ever tip anyone (he is not struggling financially at all), he picks fights with people outside, he is always huffing and puffing etc etc.

It genuinely irks me off so much, i have to step a big step back and just think about this is the guy i wanted to marry. 

Today something tiny happened that really made me feel like, okay maybe this isn‘t the right man for me.
It will sound insignificant but to me it really means a lot.

I‘ve always been taught, when i meet someone or when i buy something, i either ask whoever is with me if they want something or i just get them something to. When i meet a friend and get myself a drink on my way, i WILL get them a drink too. 

This is common sense to me and was common sense to all my friends because im not slurping my coffee next to you, while u have nothing. It‘s rude.

He went to the grocery store while i waited outside because he was hungry (Did not ask me if i am hungry or if i want something).

He returned with food for himself and 2 drinks. I thought one was for me but they were both for himself. 
He didn‘t ask me if i wanted something while he was eating or anything. He just sat there eating while i was sitting next to him. 

Another time he wanted to buy himself a drink. So we went to the grocery store and he was super indecisive on what to get, he got angry because he didn‘t know what to get.

When he finally decided after 10 minutes of looking, we went to the cash register and there was a super long line. He started huffing and puffing and almost yelling about how this is the worst store he has ever been to and why would they let the line get so long.

I felt so embarrassed in that moment. 

My problem is that, i love him so much and he is so kind when he is not in public. I don‘t even want to go outside with him anymore because not only does he embarrass me, he‘s also mean to me and i get scared when he gets mad in his car and yells at everyone (including me). 

Now to the context part: I am middle eastern, born in Germany, with strict muslim parents. I am not religious and my parents don‘t know that (Other Asians will definitely understand), it‘s hard but i can never ever tell them. They would disown me. 

My boyfriend has a very similar upbringing and also isn‘t a muslim. He isn‘t a misogynist or anything else that is worrying. Apart from his behavior outside he is a catch.

To my family it‘s very important that i marry someone from my culture who is religious (or was raised muslim because they don‘t need to know that he isn‘t, it‘s none of their business) and i was so happy that i found my boyfriend because he literally ticks all the boxes but i don‘t know if i can be with someone like this.

Does this sound fixable or am i overreacting? this is my first relationship, i know this isn‘t not normal but i am not sure if this is worth breaking up over if he is fine in private.

[yogacat]

Apart from his behavior outside he's a catch? How can you say that? He is rude, mean, and disrespectful in public and even towards you. No matter how "perfect" he may seem behind closed doors, his behavior in public is not going to change. I mean, if you're embarrassed to be out in public with him, and you're scared when he gets mad, then those are red flags that absolutely should not be ignored. 

What do you plan to do? Have a relationship with him entirely indoors so you don't cringe each time you're out in public? I'm not trying to be funny or condescending, but that's what it sounds like. You're not "overreacting" at all. You sound mature. He sounds immature and a bit erratic.

[shellpy]

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Apart from his behavior outside he's a catch? How can you say that? He is rude, mean, and disrespectful in public and even towards you. No matter how "perfect" he may seem behind closed doors, his behavior in public is not going to change. I mean, if you're embarrassed to be out in public with him, and you're scared when he gets mad, then those are red flags that absolutely should not be ignored. 

What do you plan to do? Have a relationship with him entirely indoors so you don't cringe each time you're out in public? I'm not trying to be funny or condescending, but that's what it sounds like. You're not "overreacting" at all. You sound mature. He sounds immature and a bit erratic.

a catch in the sense that it‘s very hard to find guys from my culture that are not muslims that have morals that align with mine. I might also just be thinking this because i never actually searched for someone like that. 

I thought maybe he would grow up and deal with his anger but i am starting to think, after today, that he doesn‘t see an issue with how he is acting. 

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, shellpy said:

a catch in the sense that it‘s very hard to find guys from my culture that are not muslims that have morals that align with mine. I might also just be thinking this because i never actually searched for someone like that. 

I thought maybe he would grow up and deal with his anger but i am starting to think, after today, that he doesn‘t see an issue with how he is acting. 

Remember you will be judged too if you are together with him when he is rude to service people.  Not as harshly but yes.  It's easier to be nice when you type .  Also if you have a child with him how are you going to raise that child to have good manners and good values when interacting with people in public?

My son and I as long as it is safe wave or greet people who are homeless as we do our mile walk to a school bus stop every morning.  He always says please and thank you.  He is 15 and has been doing this many years.  My husband is polite, low key and has great manners from the heart. 

I am less low key but do my utmost to be kind and patient with hardworking service people I interact with.  Even if I have to complain or have a problem resolved.  So you see in part where my son learned this from. 

If you are religious then typically you're thinking of a family, right? How does he have morals that align with you if he treats people in this way?When he selfishly doesn't ask if you want anything? My husband and I do this long walk to an ice cream place and I don't always get ice cream but he does.  He asks me at least two-three times if I'm sure I don't want anything and insists I have some of his lol.  I agree with you- it's selfish and self-absorbed.  Please don't settle.  It's not worth it. 

[shellpy]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Remember you will be judged too if you are together with him when he is rude to service people.  Not as harshly but yes.  It's easier to be nice when you type .  Also if you have a child with him how are you going to raise that child to have good manners and good values when interacting with people in public?

My son and I as long as it is safe wave or greet people who are homeless as we do our mile walk to a school bus stop every morning.  He always says please and thank you.  He is 15 and has been doing this many years.  My husband is polite, low key and has great manners from the heart. 

I am less low key but do my utmost to be kind and patient with hardworking service people I interact with.  Even if I have to complain or have a problem resolved.  So you see in part where my son learned this from. 

If you are religious then typically you're thinking of a family, right? How does he have morals that align with you if he treats people in this way?When he selfishly doesn't ask if you want anything? My husband and I do this long walk to an ice cream place and I don't always get ice cream but he does.  He asks me at least two-three times if I'm sure I don't want anything and insists I have some of his lol.  I agree with you- it's selfish and self-absorbed.  Please don't settle.  It's not worth it. 

I know and i feel so embarrassed every single time. I am not religious myself, hence why it‘s important for my future husband to also not be religious (simply bc i think our views would clash completely). I thought because he was raised muslim, he would have manners and be kind because that‘s how i was raised and all my friends too but he wasn‘t and it worries me. 

What i meant by morals that align with mine i was talking mostly about homophobia, misogyny, racism and ableism. Most guys around me that have the same ethnic background at me are misogynistic and homophobic. He isn‘t, that‘s what i meant mostly. Of course i am disgusted by his behavior but i always end up forgetting about it when we don‘t go outside. We can‘t meet that often so i don‘t experience it every day (ik i would if we get married), so it‘s bearable but not for long. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, shellpy said:

a catch in the sense that it‘s very hard to find guys from my culture that are not muslims that have morals that align with mine. I might also just be thinking this because i never actually searched for someone like that. 

I thought maybe he would grow up and deal with his anger but i am starting to think, after today, that he doesn‘t see an issue with how he is acting. 

Besides his public persona, lest we forget that your family will disown you if you marry him. At the same time, you don't seem too excited about presenting him to your family.

Maybe you have something wonderful between the two of you in private—something extraordinary that perhaps no one else in the world has ever shared with another soul but at the end of the day what you see outside is the real him. I know that you love your boyfriend very much and you want things to work out between the two of you.

But the thing is, the end result will never work out to your favor in this situation. You know that he's utterly the wrong person to marry since neither your family nor your background community will accept you if you marry him.  

How it makes you feel when he gets angry, snaps and his driving behaviours is all not good. That's going to become a sticking point, until you get sick of the lot and can’t take it anymore. That or he gets even ruder.

[Cherylyn]

@shellpy

He doesn't compliment you,  he's belligerent,  has major anger management issues,  he's dangerous as a motorist,  he doesn't tip anyone,  he yells at everyone including you,  has no qualms embarrassing and humiliating you.  He is some piece of work.  ☹️

Forget marriage.  He's a loser. 

It IS significant that he never asks you if you'd want something such as food or a beverage or both.  He never asks you if you're hungry or thirsty.  He only thinks of himself,  the selfish ogre that he is. 😠 😡

He's kind via text,  emails and electronic correspondence.  Beware.  He's extremely deceitful.  He's a wolf in sheep's clothing.  I know his type very well.  ☹️

Don't be fooled by his behavior online because he's a monster in real life.  He will give you matrimony made in hell.  😪

He doesn't tick all the boxes.  He's an automatic REJECT.  👎

No, he's not fixable.  You need to dump him immediately.

He's a catch?  He makes me want to vomit.  🤢 

Do yourself a favor by getting rid of him now. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Coily]

From your description of your cultural situation I can see why you are trying to look past his glaring shortcomings.  I won't say I viscerally understand it, but I get the problems and possible concerns that may exist. This currency guy seems like a way to avoid pitfalls you could be facing I presume?

That however, doesn't mean you should saddle yourself with this guy. Are you getting family pressure to marry?

Would you feel comfortable/safe leaving your family behind long term to pursue men who may be culturally different, but fundamentally more compatible?

[ShySoul]

So he is perfect as long as you never have to go outside or be around people?

That's not a relationship and certainly wouldn't be a marriage. It would be a prison sentence.

I won't say he is a bad person. I am sure he has many great qualities that he shares with you. But he also has a lot of really negative qualities. There are anger, control, and respect issues. There are probably layers of unresolved conflicts within him that is causing him to behave this way. And he doesn't seem ready to admit there is an issue, let alone work on them. You won't be able to fix this yourself. And ignoring it won't make it go away or get better. You would continue feeling bad until it becomes unhealthy for you. And there is the risk he would eventually turn on you and treat you that way. He is already showing a lack of respect and consideration. It could get a lot worse.

Don't allow your desire to find something outweigh your common sense. The right one will not have you this worried or asking questions. They will match your values and treat you and others well all the time, not just in virtual land.

In your heart you know he isn't right for you. If he was, you wouldn't need to be asking us. There is someone better out there. And you deserve that instead of what you currently have.

[shellpy]

7 hours ago, yogacat said:

Besides his public persona, lest we forget that your family will disown you if you marry him. At the same time, you don't seem too excited about presenting him to your family.

Maybe you have something wonderful between the two of you in private—something extraordinary that perhaps no one else in the world has ever shared with another soul but at the end of the day what you see outside is the real him. I know that you love your boyfriend very much and you want things to work out between the two of you.

But the thing is, the end result will never work out to your favor in this situation. You know that he's utterly the wrong person to marry since neither your family nor your background community will accept you if you marry him.  

How it makes you feel when he gets angry, snaps and his driving behaviours is all not good. That's going to become a sticking point, until you get sick of the lot and can’t take it anymore. That or he gets even ruder.

Yes i have been thinking about that too! My family would definitely not like him because of his lack of manners. 

[shellpy]

4 hours ago, Coily said:

From your description of your cultural situation I can see why you are trying to look past his glaring shortcomings.  I won't say I viscerally understand it, but I get the problems and possible concerns that may exist. This currency guy seems like a way to avoid pitfalls you could be facing I presume?

That however, doesn't mean you should saddle yourself with this guy. Are you getting family pressure to marry?

Would you feel comfortable/safe leaving your family behind long term to pursue men who may be culturally different, but fundamentally more compatible?

My family doesn‘t necessarily put pressure on me to get married right now but if I do ever want to get married, my dad made it very clear, it should be someone from their religion bc it‘s a sin to marry someone outside of that religion. 

I love my family a lot and they are all i have. I thought because i have him, none of this will cause any issues because technically he IS all they want but that‘s definitely not happening.

 

[shellpy]

7 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

@shellpy

He doesn't compliment you,  he's belligerent,  has major anger management issues,  he's dangerous as a motorist,  he doesn't tip anyone,  he yells at everyone including you,  has no qualms embarrassing and humiliating you.  He is some piece of work.  ☹️

Forget marriage.  He's a loser. 

It IS significant that he never asks you if you'd want something such as food or a beverage or both.  He never asks you if you're hungry or thirsty.  He only thinks of himself,  the selfish ogre that he is. 😠 😡

He's kind via text,  emails and electronic correspondence.  Beware.  He's extremely deceitful.  He's a wolf in sheep's clothing.  I know his type very well.  ☹️

Don't be fooled by his behavior online because he's a monster in real life.  He will give you matrimony made in hell.  😪

He doesn't tick all the boxes.  He's an automatic REJECT.  👎

No, he's not fixable.  You need to dump him immediately.

He's a catch?  He makes me want to vomit.  🤢 

Do yourself a favor by getting rid of him now. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i know it‘s absolutely terrible. Whenever we go outside, i tend to shut down completely for half of the date because his behavior makes him so unattractive to me. Like i can‘t get myself to let it go because it‘s unbearable. 

He will have staring contests with other men, roll down his window when someone drove in a way that angered him and yell something at them, it‘s genuinely a nightmare.

I try to play it down at times but the more i think about it, the more it disgusts me.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, shellpy said:

Apart from his behavior outside he is a catch.

Translation: he is hot. 

As you can see, just because he is, doesnt mean he cares about you or is respectful toward your needs. Its basic courtesy to ask your girlfriend if she is hungry or thirsty. He doesnt even have that. Let alone to not have rage outbursts. Some catch lol. But hey, he is a “bad boy” and from different culture so you are rebellious toward your parents so that makes him a catch. Right?

[shellpy]

11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Translation: he is hot. 

As you can see, just because he is, doesnt mean he cares about you or is respectful toward your needs. Its basic courtesy to ask your girlfriend if she is hungry or thirsty. He doesnt even have that. Let alone to not have rage outbursts. Some catch lol. But hey, he is a “bad boy” and from different culture so you are rebellious toward your parents so that makes him a catch. Right?

He isn‘t a "bad boy“ at all tbh. I never really thought of him that way. I am not into that at all, which is why this is an issue. I would never even have fallen in love with him if i knew that he acts like this. When we met in real life for the first time, he already showed a little bit of this side but it came across more like anxiety and shyness. You know when people don‘t know how to be around people and then they seem very rude.

That‘s how it‘s right now too! It‘s not cool, nobody thinks he is cool when he acts like that. He seems awkward and antisocial but with a lot of confidence that he gained since we met for the first time. 

I understand how it might sound like I only like him because he looks good and ofc i am attracted to his looks, he is my boyfriend.

My goal never ever would be rebelling against my parents. He is from my culture and was raised muslim too! my goal has always been finding someone i can love and LIKE as a person and who at the same time won‘t make my parents disown me.

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, shellpy said:

He is from my culture and was raised muslim too

Ah, same culture and you are just not religious. I understand.

Anyway, my point stays. Somebody who doesnt even ask you if you are hungry or thirsty and just orders from him doesnt even have basic manners or courtesy. The fact that you think he is a catch, tells a lot about you as well. He is not a catch. He is a rude simpleton that would never respect you enough to even order you a drink when you are thirsty. 

[MissCanuck]

58 minutes ago, shellpy said:

He will have staring contests with other men, roll down his window when someone drove in a way that angered him and yell something at them

He's not only an angry person, he's also quite daft. 

What do you think is going to happen the day he confronts someone even more unhinged and angrier than him? It won't go well, and it could be you in harm's way too, just by virtue of being there with him. 

I would have dumoed this clown by now. He wouldn't pass my standard of men to date. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, shellpy said:

i know it‘s absolutely terrible. Whenever we go outside, i tend to shut down completely for half of the date because his behavior makes him so unattractive to me. Like i can‘t get myself to let it go because it‘s unbearable. 

He will have staring contests with other men, roll down his window when someone drove in a way that angered him and yell something at them, it‘s genuinely a nightmare.

I try to play it down at times but the more i think about it, the more it disgusts me.

That is putting you in imminent danger -his road rage and also if he triggers or provokes the wrong person and you are right there with him.  Especially these days.  

[shellpy]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He's not only an angry person, he's also quite daft. 

What do you think is going to happen the day he confronts someone even more unhinged and angrier than him? It won't go well, and it could be you in harm's way too, just by virtue of being there with him. 

I would have dumoed this clown by now. He wouldn't pass my standard of men to date. 

Yes he proudly told me yesterday abt how he and another guy almost fought on a parking lot (i was already gone by this time). I don‘t really know how to go about breaking up with him yet but i‘ll definitely have to

[shellpy]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

That is putting you in imminent danger -his road rage and also if he triggers or provokes the wrong person and you are right there with him.  Especially these days.  

Yes i know and it‘s super scary. He is extremely confident that he could take any man in a fight because he does bodybuilding and obviously i don‘t want to tell him otherwise to not offend him but it‘s dangerous and scary. 

 

[shellpy]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Ah, same culture and you are just not religious. I understand.

Anyway, my point stays. Somebody who doesnt even ask you if you are hungry or thirsty and just orders from him doesnt even have basic manners or courtesy. The fact that you think he is a catch, tells a lot about you as well. He is not a catch. He is a rude simpleton that would never respect you enough to even order you a drink when you are thirsty. 

I told him about this today! I asked him if he wasn‘t taught that u get ur friends/loved ones something from the store even if they didn‘t ask for anything and he just said that he had no way of knowing i was thirsty lol. 

Im done with him i just need to let him know

[Starlight925]

48 minutes ago, shellpy said:

Im done with him i just need to let him know

I'm glad you have reached this decision.

I've been in your exact situation, with a LDR.  Sweetest, cutest, funniest, most loving guy.  Flowers, daily  calls, big hugs when we'd see each other.  Until "that" driver cut him off.  Or "that" person had too many items in the 10 or less line.  

I brought this up to him, and he profusely apologized, said he didn't want me to be uncomfortable, and would work on it.  And he kept reminding me that he never expressed his anger at me, only to others.  Then more flowers, more romantic dinners, more big hugs.

Until it did turn against me.  

Please, don't let it turn against you.  Just leave now, quietly, slowly.  No big "you are this, you are that" arguments.  Simply tell him that you would like to move on, and wish him the very best.

It's been almost 15 years since mine, and there are still times I have fear.  Please don't let that be you.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, shellpy said:

I am not into that at all, which is why this is an issue. 

First off, I agree with @Kwothe28and as to your response to him quoted^^, if you truly were not "into it" you'd LEAVE.  Period.

The mere fact you remain in this horrid relationship with this "monster" shows you're "into it" on some level, I truly believe that.  

And guess what"  HE is getting that same message.!

I don't mean to be harsh, but "loving" him doesn't hold water.

If he beat the crap out of you would you still stay because you "love" him?

As @ShySoulsaid, use common sense.  And self-love.

HE and this "relationship" are disgusting, horrid, deplorable, atrocious and flat out unacceptable. 

Think about that and the message your reactions and actions send.  To him, to others, to yourself.

Gather up your self-respect and self-love and LEAVE.

If you don't, you may end up in a hospital bed someday with your face disfigured or dead.  It happens, I've seen it!!

Your choice.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, shellpy said:

I'm done with him i just need to let him know.

Just saw this^^ - excellent!!

The sooner the better.  IMO, a text would be fine (and best) in this situation.

Then block and delete!

Let us know, we're here for support. 😀

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, shellpy said:

Yes he proudly told me yesterday abt how he and another guy almost fought on a parking lot (i was already gone by this time). I don‘t really know how to go about breaking up with him yet but i‘ll definitely have to

I had a second date with a nice guy who owned a kick boxing studio.  He told me proudly how a fellow passenger had stared or looked at him rudely so he threatened to beat him up.  I don't remember if he followed  through -I don't remember because I didn't care - I heard all I needed to know. Last date.

[shellpy]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

First off, I agree with @Kwothe28and as to your response to him quoted^^, if you truly were not "into it" you'd LEAVE.  Period.

The mere fact you remain in this horrid relationship with this "monster" shows you're "into it" on some level, I truly believe that.  

And guess what"  HE is getting that same message.!

I don't mean to be harsh, but "loving" him doesn't hold water.

If he beat the crap out of you would you still stay because you "love" him?

As @ShySoulsaid, use common sense.  And self-love.

HE and this "relationship" are disgusting, horrid, deplorable, atrocious and flat out unacceptable. 

Think about that and the message your reactions and actions send.  To him, to others, to yourself.

Gather up your self-respect and self-love and LEAVE.

If you don't, you may end up in a hospital bed someday with your face disfigured or dead.  It happens, I've seen it!!

Your choice.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

I genuinely do hate it. I tend to just shut down completely and can‘t bring myself to talk to him for days after until i feel lonely and just need someone. 
I have a very hard time standing up for myself and leaving situations that are bad for me.

I have tried breaking up with him 3 times but every time he tells me he will do better and i go back. I am not into this at all, i just lacked the self confidence and the self respect to leave.

I wrote my reasons down on a list now so i don‘t forget. He is at work right now so i‘ll be breaking up tomorrow morning over the phone.