My boyfriend has anger outbursts, how do I help

[Coily]

13 minutes ago, Sadbreadstick said:

My problem is simply that I don't know how anger feels and simply have no experience with it. I don't want to come off as insensitive when I talk to him about it.. because I'm planning to have a serious conversation about his anger soon.

Anger is complex, more so than I think most will like to discuss. It's not always Zero to hitting someone, rarely it is.

For some people it manifests as a quick shout, some cursing; and then it's gone. A burst of pure hate for a moment. They don't like it, but it's how they keep from bottling things up and it getting under their skin and affecting how they view others. It can seem very intense, but it's like a like popping some bubble packaging. Quick and gone.

For other's it's a slow simmering rage that builds, that they can justify any harm they plot for someone who has "wronged" them. A boiling pot, only when it whistles does it manifest.

I think it's important to see anger in how it manifests in someone. If they just yell, blow off steam; realizes how bad it looks on them and others; and tries to fix it. Not that they won't feel anger again; but they can vent it in a healthy manner.

The other is when they put blinders on and keep ramping themselves up finding more reasons to get angry; blinding themselves to reason. That's when it's dangerous.

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He sure doesn't have the same care and respect for you that you are so eager to display to him. 

This^^

You're so eager to please him and avoid the conflict when he should be the one scrambling to find ways to do so for you to protect you and show he cares about you too.

[Seraphim]

6 hours ago, Sadbreadstick said:

I, in fact, never expected that of him and never asked him to.

I am actively working on myself, take meds for my anxiety and I'm going to therapy. My anxiety has greatly improved over the past months and I continue to live life and not let my anxiety get in my way too much. I work on self improvement actively, and I never asked my boyfriend to treat me differently because of my anxiety. My anxiety is a me problem, I know that and I treat it like that.

BUT, that does not change the fact that I Still have anxiety and it still gets bad for me sometimes. 

Yes, I didn't do as he said because my anxiety was peaking at that moment (multiple factors, his angry yelling, the car troubles, new environment, large crowd, a lot of different things at once).. but I kept that to myself! I didn't ask him to baby me or 'treat me with kid gloves', I didn't act dramatic, didn't take it out on anyone.. I just needed a breather and settle in. Get my emotions under control before I could continue with anything. (we just arrived when he took it out on me) 

This.. does Not give him the right to yell at me because I didn't do as he said. It was unfair of him. It was controlling.. just because he was angry didnt give him the right to control me, i didnt have to listen because he wasnt okay and was yelling. It had nothing to do with my anxiety. Nothing to do with treating me with kid gloves. I just didn't know what to do, and his yelling made it worse.

Same for all the other outbursts. I don't expect him to baby me because of my trauma and anxiety, I simply warned him about it so he Knows what's up. 

 

But I still feel his anger outbursts is something that's getting out of hand

 

 

As I said his outbursts are not okay. I am glad you are working on yourself . I have had an anxiety disorder myself for over 40 years and I know it is difficult. 

[HungryGhost]

This guy is a giant baby. I'm not at all convinced that he's worth all the care and thought that you are putting into approaching him. Even if you were to achieve perfect sensitivity and consideration, I think he would respond badly. It would not surprise me at all if he insists that he doesn’t have a problem, you're crazy for thinking so, you are the problem, etc.

Maybe it's because of my age and/or the fact that I have been down this same road, but I see nothing wrong with giving him a blunt ultimatum. Work on your anger and make real progress, or I'm gone. Be prepared to leave immediately, because it will likely come to that.

As an aside, I have had several relationships over the years, which included many traumatic ones. In almost every case I would have said the same things as you about how pleasant he can be and what good times we have. It's not enough. Having good times with people is relatively easy. I am certain you can have them with someone who is also emotionally stable and treats you with respect. 

[Cherylyn]

9 hours ago, Sadbreadstick said:

I, in fact, never expected that of him and never asked him to.

I am actively working on myself, take meds for my anxiety and I'm going to therapy. My anxiety has greatly improved over the past months and I continue to live life and not let my anxiety get in my way too much. I work on self improvement actively, and I never asked my boyfriend to treat me differently because of my anxiety. My anxiety is a me problem, I know that and I treat it like that.

BUT, that does not change the fact that I Still have anxiety and it still gets bad for me sometimes. 

Yes, I didn't do as he said because my anxiety was peaking at that moment (multiple factors, his angry yelling, the car troubles, new environment, large crowd, a lot of different things at once).. but I kept that to myself! I didn't ask him to baby me or 'treat me with kid gloves', I didn't act dramatic, didn't take it out on anyone.. I just needed a breather and settle in. Get my emotions under control before I could continue with anything. (we just arrived when he took it out on me) 

This.. does Not give him the right to yell at me because I didn't do as he said. It was unfair of him. It was controlling.. just because he was angry didnt give him the right to control me, i didnt have to listen because he wasnt okay and was yelling. It had nothing to do with my anxiety. Nothing to do with treating me with kid gloves. I just didn't know what to do, and his yelling made it worse.

Same for all the other outbursts. I don't expect him to baby me because of my trauma and anxiety, I simply warned him about it so he Knows what's up. 

 

But I still feel his anger outbursts is something that's getting out of hand

 

 

He is two faced with his Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality.  Beware.  He is volatile and dangerous and could very well put your safety and life at risk one day.  Dissolve and exit this ugly relationship.

[rainbowsandroses]

@Sadbreadstick I just want to say I also suffer from extreme anxiety (diagnosed with GAD) and was prescribed meds.  At the time they diagnosed me, I had not slept in several days, I was shaking and basically could not function.  That is how bad it was.

Fortunately I have learned to manage my anxiety without meds and one way I do that is by avoiding situations that cause me anxiety like negative people, negative relationships, negative BOYFRIENDS who yell and otherwise have anger issues and cause me to feel stressed!  

Lord, life is stressful enough without feeling that from my own boyfriend!

I would not have tolerated the way he yelled at you, I can totally relate to the anxiety you must have felt and if me I would have left the scene and reconsidered keeping him as my boyfriend.

Actually if I am honest, him being so out of control and overly emotional would have turned me OFF so dumping him may not have even been that difficult.

Perhaps this is overly harsh, but I don't admire or respect men who allow their emotions to control them to the point they're yelling and lashing out at loved ones, specifically ME!

To me it's WEAK.  It's also disrespectful.

You want a man who has full control of his emotions and who has respect for YOU such that he's not behaving like a raving lunatic because his car broke down, he got a flat tire, he got lost or any other trivial thing that in the grand scheme should NOT be a big deal.

A mature respectful man simply DEALS and life goes on.

16 hours ago, Sadbreadstick said:

Please don't just say break up with him, he's a loving and amazing boyfriend and breaking up is an easy way out.. I want to help him.

Please explain how a man who throws fits and screams at you over petty shyt is a "loving and amazing boyfriend."

You cannot fix him, it's NOT even your place as his girlfriend to fix him or help him.  You are his girlfriend, NOT his therapist, please PLEASE get rid of that mindset immediately and take care of YOU.

He's a grown man, let him fix his own issues.

If you don't, it WILL come back and bite you in the a$$, I can almost promise you that.

I've seen it more times than I can count.

 

  

 

 

[Seraphim]

Your partner should not be a “ project to fix” I made that mistake with my husband when he was young . I was given the example by my mother that” saving people “was what you were supposed to do. Um no. 
 

I am glad to say my husband grew up along the way but not every person does. A relationship is between equals.

[yogacat]

He sounds like a petulant child that throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way or have a good time. 

Is it always like this? Does he often berate you and other people if they fail to read his mind and guess what to do?

I would be holding back my tongue being around a man that cannot behave like an adult. Especially when he blew up at you for something trivial. Not attractive.

What's going to happen when a major shoe drops and throws a wrench into his life? You've got no idea how he will behave, if he'll become more angry than before. Quite the yikes, to be firing at people and cussing them out at a fun event.

"It's just how he is." is a line that has got to stop being taken lightly. You are allowed to have feelings and a breaking point. You should not cater to him and his wants by walking on eggshells. Get.out.now.

[greendots]

Get out now. I don't say this to be mean. But anger management and appropriate treatment isn't instant. He most likely needs to see a psychiatrist or psychologist for a long time and he must do so willingly.

If you don't live together (I only read the opening post), then please don't move in with him.

You can wait for it to worsen or you can take care of yourself before you're too deep into it. Besides, once you're out, it'll be easier for you to help him provided he wants your help.

[DarkCh0c0]

OP if you insist on staying with him for now, please keep this post as a reference for you in the future and re-read our concerned advice for you. Perhaps you'll see it in a different light.

You cannot control his anger outbursts. When they'll happen next time, leave the place/room where possible. Let him know you are not comfortable with his behaviour and you don't feel safe and leave. Don't put up with it in the moment. Tell him "I'll be back when you're calmer so we can talk about this".

[tattoobunnie]

22 hours ago, Sadbreadstick said:

I'm not one to give up on someone without giving them a chance.

He's already had several chances.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

No need to throw yourself on the bomb to show how wonderful you are.  The commonality of abusers is that once you move on, they find themselves another victim. You cannot change selfish people like this.  They spent the first few months boosting you up to ease you into thinking their behavior is okay.  You don't need a few more months of what if.  This is it.

[Massari]

How is your BF's mental health? I am 40, going through divorce , separated 3 months ago from my wife. I was/still am a person who lose their s*** real quick, wrong turn, people cutting me off on the road, and I immediately regret every time I have an outburst. 

So after the divorce I went to see a Physiatrist, and she didn't need 1 hour, in fact after 15 mins of talk with me she said I have mild depression, which developed long before even I got married in 2016. It was never discovered so now that I know I am taking meds for it and its getting much much better.  

I am just conjecturing here, but it could very well be the case here with your BF. I hope you can calmly and collectively convince him to go see someone about this anger issues. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but before throwing the torch and leave, I suggest having this discussion and take it from there. 

[Cherylyn]

The best thing you can do for yourself is dump him!  He's trash.  😠

You can never change a man.  ☹️  Never be stuck with a loser otherwise you're wasting your time and energy on a guy who doesn't matter. 

 

[SooSad33]

On 8/12/2024 at 5:21 AM, Sadbreadstick said:

Today I decided to finally post about it because when we went out, his car broke down twice. He, of course, got really angry. Which is reasonable, but my issue is that he took it out on me later. 

Not reasonable and not okay,

YOU are already full of anxiety and this behaviour around you will just make it worse 😕 .

No one deserves to experience someone else's wrath. THEY are responsible for their own behaviour, so, IF he were truly wanting to get help in learning how to 'control' and work thru his 'anger moments', is all on him here.

His relationships will not last, with any smart gal who comes accross him 😉 

[catfeeder]

With millions of people in the world, there’s no reason to put up with anyone who behaves like this.

Raise your standards.

[Capricorn3]

On 8/13/2024 at 2:02 AM, Sadbreadstick said:

I am actively working on myself, take meds for my anxiety and I'm going to therapy.

Have you told your therapist about being in an abusive relationship?  If not, why not?  If you have told your therapist, what does s/he advise?