My boyfriend has anger outbursts, how do I help

[Sadbreadstick]

My (21F) boyfriend (27M) has anger outbursts, how do I help?

So basically, we've been dating for about a year. And I've come to realize how often my boyfriend gets really angry when things go wrong.

For example when he takes a wrong turn, when a device doesn't work, during gaming.. just if anything doesn't go his way. He yells and cusses really loudly and angrily and it has gotten worse over time.

Today I decided to finally post about it because when we went out, his car broke down twice. He, of course, got really angry. Which is reasonable, but my issue is that he took it out on me later. 

He told me to go somewhere to get something and I didn't listen (because my anxiety was spiking and I didn't know where to go). He yelled angrily at me to just listen. He never got angry at me like that before. 

All and all, all of this made me question if all these anger outbursts are normal? I personally don't experience anger and I don't know what it's like, so I'm completely in the dark here. I want to emphasise this. I do Not know how anger feels and if its something you can learn to control. That's why I don't know how to approach my boyfriend about it.

My question is: Do I talk to him about it, if yes, how? Do I help him, and how do I help him?

His anger lasts mostly until the situation is resolved or passes. 

 

So long story short, how do I help my boyfriend (if at all) with his anger outbursts?

Please don't just say break up with him, he's a loving and amazing boyfriend and breaking up is an easy way out.. I want to help him. I want to be there for him, I just don't know how because of my inexperience with anger as an emotion. 

Any advice is appreciated! 

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. It’s how it’s expressed (or how it’s [dis]regulated in the body) that it becomes an issue for some people.  So what he’s doing with his anger is not healthy, and shouldn’t be normalized. 

The issue with how he’s expressing his anger is that it’s going to get worse and worse, as you’ve already gotten a glimpse of.  First he’s “just mad” and taking it out on himself, you stick around, next he’s taking it out on you verbally, you stick around, eventually he’s punching a hole in the wall, you stick around, on and on…

there is little you can do to help and I advise you not make it your responsibility to soothe him, don’t put this burden on yourself. This is his problem and you are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions. He needs to seek therapy to learn how to properly regulate his emotions, it sounds like he doesn’t have the proper coping mechanisms to experience his own life. 
 

 

[Batya33]

I ended a 3 month relationship many years ago mostly because he had an anger related disorder. He'd told me a month earlier he "had" it and worked it through but then he took me to watch him at a certain activity (which I knew had triggered it in the past) -I was only a spectator -I saw it happen in action - he did NOT hurt anyone else or even himself - but I saw it -then he told me he wasn't planning on getting more therapy for it.  Then later I realized he sure had a lot of empty beer cans at his place and I realized he likely was self-medicating with alcohol. Anyway he never ever got mad at me in that 3 months or anyone else but when I saw that I was DONE especially since he was done getting help.

Tell your partner with I statements "I get scared when you have these outbursts including against me.  I am not comfortable being around you because it's like walking on eggshells. What are  your intentions about how you treat me and how you react to your angry feelings?"

I am a high strung type A person who is not the most patient.  I've learned over the years go to ways to -prevent reacting to angry or frustrating feelings in a way that is inappropriate or hurtful - and how to manage reactions "in the heat of the moment" - I live my life overall so that I minimize getting to a point of feeling too stressed. Angry and frustrating feelings are fine it's all how you react so that you don't hurt yourself or others or live in a stressed out way too much.  I am not a calm, laid back person and never have been -which is fine -it's all in how you react -and it's almost always a choice (I mean there are some instances where it's fight or flight like in an emergency situation where you have to defend yourself).  I am a married mom of a teenager. Who can -of course-push my buttons!

Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Sadbreadstick said:

He told me to go somewhere to get something and I didn't listen (because my anxiety was spiking and I didn't know where to go).

Can you clarify this? What did he tell you to get? I don't understand what you mean when you say you didn't listen - did you just not answer him or..? I am trying to understand what exactly happened during this episode. 

 

1 hour ago, Sadbreadstick said:

Do I help him, and how do I help him?

You can't really help him. It is above your paygrade as someone who is not a therapist or otherwise trained in emotional dysregulation. But yes, you asbsolutely need to talk to him.  Be clear that his angry outbursts frighten you and make you uncomfortable and he needs to take real steps to get his emotions under control. (and not just promises to do so)

Please, be prepared to walk away if he shows no improvement. Your own well-being isn't worth the damage it will endure if this continues. 

 

[Sadbreadstick]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Can you clarify this? What did he tell you to get? I don't understand what you mean when you say you didn't listen - did you just not answer him or..? I am trying to understand what exactly happened during this episode. 

Basically, we went to go airsofting (basically going to a field with a big group and shoot each other with bb guns) 

I went for the first time while he's a regular there. It's a new place for me with a lot of people (around 150) and because of that my anxiety was pretty intense (I am diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, he knows this). 

Long story short, there was an info briefing happening for beginners. My boyfriend told me to go, but I didn't know where it was and I didn't want to go alone (again, anxiety was hitting a high point, I was also of course overwhelmed because of his anger earlier and the car breaking down.)

So I told him I didn't know where this briefing is. He told me to just go walk to the right. He didn't specify where to go, what to do. Anything. He's familiar at this terrain, I'm not... but he wouldn't specify where to go. Yet kept angrily yelling at me to just listen and go. (He didn't come along because he had to prepare the airsoft guns.) 

I walked, couldn't find anything, went back because I was so overwhelmed.

 

He got mad that i didn't do as he said, and gave me silent treatment after.

 

So yeah,

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Sadbreadstick said:

He got mad that i didn't do as he said, and gave me silent treatment after.

You deserve better than this. 

He's not a good boyfriend. Take it from someone more than twice your age. These kinds of relationships don't last long-term. Not without a lot of heartache. 

[Jaunty]

Unfortunately, it's not your place to "help" him change this if he is not actively trying to help himself, and asks for your help in ways that are actually possible for you.

Bottom line, are you fine with this?  Because this is who you are with, and this is how he handles his anger.

He's already aimed it at you.  There is a lot more of this to come.  I would think that with an anxiety disorder that hinders you already, you will be in trouble if you stay with a guy who is going to come uncorked at you whenever you don't do what he wants you to do.  

Is this what you want for yourself?

 

[Tinydance]

I don't actually think that the words "anger outbursts" and "loving person" go together. This is actually very common with abusers to yell and abuse you but then act all sweet. It's called gaslighting. My ex had really bad anger issues too. They weren't constant but they were really bad. Also yelling or punching a keyboard, smashing a floor fan, stuff like that. Other times he was sweet. But the anger behaviour is so unacceptable that it's much bigger than the nice part.

Like, if someone was mostly nice but occasionally they punched you in the face, would you be OK with it? Nobody can help him with his anger. Only he can help himself and it doesn't sound like he wants to.

[DarkCh0c0]

How do you help?

You don't.

It's who he is. It's his character. There's nothing to solve for him here. He yells because that's how he handles frustration and he willingly terrifies you when he yells. It's a control tactic so that you feel you have done something wrong and oblige to his needs, when it's not true. He just likes the power trip.

You have done nothing wrong to cause anger outbursts. It is not your fault.

Funny enough, I went into the same situation with an ex years ago. We also had an age gap. I was your age. He started revealing his true colours and anger outbursts when we got to the 1+ year mark. He waited until I was emotionally and physically attached to him and he started to pull that BS. My friends said it's bad, but I failed to see the red signs.

I know you don't like the sound of break up. But understand this: someone cannot be amazing if they yell and curse at you. Someone is not a good partner material if he enjoys belittling you when he's not feeling good. Anger outbursts are not loving acts. They are not love.

It's up to you to assess if this is in line with what you'd want for yourself out of a partner.

I suspect you feel a combination scared, numb, guilty, disrespected or terrified when he screams. How do you feel when he yells at you? 

Also, not wanting to go into this too far, but for the sake of it; do you have any abusive family members in the household?

[Kwothe28]

I think there is amount of "release" people do with yelling sometimes. For example I yell at TV during sports games. Heck, even in car during traffic when somebody does something bad. But I am mostly alone during those. And, I never yell at people. That is unacceptable thing to do. I would be worried about myself if I did that. 

Your boyfriend has anger issues. There is no help for that unless you want to suggest him "anger management". And I dont think he would be opened to that suggestion. In fact, he would probably yell at you for that idea. There is no help there. And for you, it would be better if you distanced yourself from him. That kind of people dont make a good partners.

[Sadbreadstick]

30 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I suspect you feel a combination scared, numb, guilty, disrespected or terrified when he screams. How do you feel when he yells at you? 

Also, not wanting to go into this too far, but for the sake of it; do you have any abusive family members in the household?

I kind of freeze when he yells/ has his outbursts. Either that or I get scared. 

I do have a long childhood with abusive parents (no longer in that situation, luckily). He's aware of this, I have told him I get panic reactions when I hear yelling or angry tones. So it's not like he's unaware of the effects his yelling causes me. At first he always apologised after his outbursts, but lately not at all anymore.

 

His recent outburst (the one that he ended up taking out on me) he briefly apologised for but it didn't sound sincere at all. He first said sorry, that he didn't mean it.. but then he followed it up with "I just wasn't feeling okay, had a lot to prepare for (for airsoft, which we were doing at the time of the outburst), I just needed you to listen to me" .. which kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He wants us to just forget and move on.. but yeah no that's obviously not how it works. The man literally keeps complaining about how his mom takes out her stress on people around her sometimes.. but then does the same to me??

 

 

[Seraphim]

I would leave this relationship. It is passed the expiration date . He is deregulated and it’s not your fault and you don’t have to put up with outbursts . 
 

Conversely it isn’t his job to treat you with kid gloves because of anxiety. 
 

You both have work to do on yourselves. 

[Cherylyn]

You can't help him.  He needs to help himself by enrolling in an anger management class which I doubt he will.

He is who he is.  You can't change him.  ☹️

Your boyfriend never grew up.  He's a boy stuck in a man's body.  Your boyfriend has temper tantrums and meltdowns just as a 2 year old would. He's a narcissist,  very selfish and self centered because he only thinks of himself and not you.  He doesn't care how he sounds.  It's all about him. 

Don't be fooled just because he temporarily stops his explosive outbursts.  It's only a matter of time before he blows up again.  😠 🤬

Either be stuck with him and tolerate his immature behavior or bail.  Those are your two choices.

[Sadbreadstick]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Conversely it isn’t his job to treat you with kid gloves because of anxiety. 
 

You both have work to do on yourselves. 

I, in fact, never expected that of him and never asked him to.

I am actively working on myself, take meds for my anxiety and I'm going to therapy. My anxiety has greatly improved over the past months and I continue to live life and not let my anxiety get in my way too much. I work on self improvement actively, and I never asked my boyfriend to treat me differently because of my anxiety. My anxiety is a me problem, I know that and I treat it like that.

BUT, that does not change the fact that I Still have anxiety and it still gets bad for me sometimes. 

Yes, I didn't do as he said because my anxiety was peaking at that moment (multiple factors, his angry yelling, the car troubles, new environment, large crowd, a lot of different things at once).. but I kept that to myself! I didn't ask him to baby me or 'treat me with kid gloves', I didn't act dramatic, didn't take it out on anyone.. I just needed a breather and settle in. Get my emotions under control before I could continue with anything. (we just arrived when he took it out on me) 

This.. does Not give him the right to yell at me because I didn't do as he said. It was unfair of him. It was controlling.. just because he was angry didnt give him the right to control me, i didnt have to listen because he wasnt okay and was yelling. It had nothing to do with my anxiety. Nothing to do with treating me with kid gloves. I just didn't know what to do, and his yelling made it worse.

Same for all the other outbursts. I don't expect him to baby me because of my trauma and anxiety, I simply warned him about it so he Knows what's up. 

 

But I still feel his anger outbursts is something that's getting out of hand

 

 

[Coily]

I'm reading a lot of fundamental incompatibility here. Between your anxiety and his outbursts, I see this as a recipe for mutual and cascading problems. The old square peg round hole situation.

Since we do not see what constitutes his angry outbursts, nor can we know how they affect you with your anxiety. For all we know he could be a unhinged loony and you have ringing in your ears by the time he stops; or he could curse a bit and your anxiety builds it up to a terrifying head.

As such you two are a difficult match. As @Seraphim  said you both have to work on yourselves. Find a time when he is receptive and have a discussion about how it makes you feel, calmly. How he reacts will speak volumes; he could have a light bulb moment or he could get angry. Though, I will also say never try to control how someone acts or reacts, that is a recipe for disaster.

It's not up to you to fix him, but you don't have to turn a blind eye either. Come up with your own lines of what is too much and stick with them. We can't and shouldn't tell you how to live your life.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Sadbreadstick said:

I do have a long childhood with abusive parents (no longer in that situation, luckily).

See, that's why I asked. You have his behaviour normalized. As if you're almost no longer sensitive to it. So you're downplaying this and you keep finding excuses to the behaviour instead of using a more healthy response and walking away.

He is familiar to you. The dynamic is familiar to you. He is giving you something your family gave you (abuse) but you're hoping this time he'll change for you/treat you better.

I suggest you read about trauma bonding and codependency.

Basically, consciously or unconsciously, you are still coping like the little girl in you; scared and thinking somehow you caused/deserved/can solve whatever HE feels. But you are not at fault here and you should walk away. Your adult self should protect you from a man like this cause he's throwing you back in a trauma/emotional abuse cycle.

I would really consider talking to a therapist specialized in trauma.

One thing is for sure: by staying with him you are repeating a different pattern of your childhood trauma. I hope you will have enough courage and confidence to walk away with no regrets. When you will walk away, he might beg, plead, cry, scream or use any manipulation tactic to keep you as his victim, but you will still need to go.

1 hour ago, Sadbreadstick said:

At first he always apologised after his outbursts, but lately not at all anymore.

He doesn't appologize because it's his true behaviour and he knows by now you have too little self esteem to stand up to yourself and walk away. You have shown him you have little self respect.

You would be surprised to know how common it is for abusive men to pick women like you (and I was) as we have family trauma. We are easier to manipulate, especially at that young age.

 

1 hour ago, Sadbreadstick said:

which kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He wants us to just forget and move on.. but yeah no that's obviously not how it works. The man literally keeps complaining about how his mom takes out her stress on people around her sometimes.. but then does the same to me??

 

Hypocrisy is very common with abusers. They go by "rules for thee but not for me".

This is your first relationship, and it's very common to fall for such a man considering your upbringing. It takes time to read character and track red flags. The only thing you're now learning is that when there's a red flag, it should be your cue to run away asap. You need to unlearn the making of excuses for bad behaviour and treatment. You are worthy of love, respect and kindness 🩷

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Sadbreadstick said:

He's aware of this, I have told him I get panic reactions when I hear yelling or angry tones.

Even more reasons to NOT pick such partner. Honey, you should be protecting you by walking away from this.

I think you might be interested in hearing the talk about subtle abuse by Avery Neal, or even picking up her book: https://www.averyneal.com/getting-personal-about-subtle-psychological-abuse/ 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Sadbreadstick said:

Please don't just say break up with him, he's a loving and amazing boyfriend and breaking up is an easy way out..

I wanted to comment on this. 

Breaking up is not the "easy" way out. It will take courage and an admission to yourself that this relationship is not viable and that he is not actually a decent boyfriend. That is scary and uncomfortable. It is anything but easy. 

I think you frame it that way because you know people will (rightfully) tell you to run and you don't want to hear that. I get that you don't want to break up, but honey, this relationship is on a collision course anyway. 

[tattoobunnie]

Not for nuthin, but he is what a person who shakes babies looks like.

He has just spent the year little by little normalizing his abuse and gaslighting towards you, and little by little have you questioning if you are overreacting.  I wouldn't even tolerate this behavior from a toddler.

Please talk to friends and family about this.  There is nothing embarrassing about it.  To others, they come off as kind and Mr. Wonderful, so you begin to doubt your own feelings. Behind closed doors, they treat you like you're crazy and dumb.  NOPE.  It will only get worse. You can do it.  You are young, and there are so many awesome dudes who won't flip out over missing a turn getting somewhere.

[NighttimeNightmare]

I’m genuinely scared for you. Had you said “my boyfriend has anger issues, what are some things I can suggest to him as far as him seeking his own treatment go? If he refuses or if there is no serious progress made, I am prepared to leave,” that would be one thing. 
 

but you come here and are making his ailment your responsibility, as if this is a you problem, which I’m assuming likely goes back to the relationship you had with your parents as a child. Did either of your parents scream at you? You were a child, you couldn’t leave, you needed them, so you tried to figure out how you could do better to get the yelling to stop. 
 

In our adult relationships, we tend to replay those dynamics until we heal them.  So your bf is yelling, it scares you, and you go into your anxious spiral and beg him to stop, this person can’t be trusted to stop, so you have to convince yourself the problem is with you. That if only you change yourself, if you do better, if you learn ways to stop “making him scream” it’ll all be ok. 
 

the thing is, his behavior isn’t caused by you, and not leaving isn’t some heroic thing you’re choosing to do, where you fight for the relationship and somehow all of your tears become worth it. You have it backwards.  It’s more heroic to learn what your boundaries should look like, and when to walk away from people who are incapable of respecting them and treating you with kindness and compassion 

[DarkCh0c0]

13 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I’m genuinely scared for you. Had you said “my boyfriend has anger issues, what are some things I can suggest to him as far as him seeking his own treatment go? If he refuses or if there is no serious progress made, I am prepared to leave,” that would be one thing. 
 

but you come here and are making his ailment your responsibility, as if this is a you problem, which I’m assuming likely goes back to the relationship you had with your parents as a child. Did either of your parents scream at you? You were a child, you couldn’t leave, you needed them, so you tried to figure out how you could do better to get the yelling to stop. 
 

In our adult relationships, we tend to replay those dynamics until we heal them.  So your bf is yelling, it scares you, and you go into your anxious spiral and beg him to stop, this person can’t be trusted to stop, so you have to convince yourself the problem is with you. That if only you change yourself, if you do better, if you learn ways to stop “making him scream” it’ll all be ok. 
 

the thing is, his behavior isn’t caused by you, and not leaving isn’t some heroic thing you’re choosing to do, where you fight for the relationship and somehow all of your tears become worth it. You have it backwards.  It’s more heroic to learn what your boundaries should look like, and when to walk away from people who are incapable of respecting them and treating you with kindness and compassion 

Touché! 💯

[Sadbreadstick]

10 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I’m genuinely scared for you. Had you said “my boyfriend has anger issues, what are some things I can suggest to him as far as him seeking his own treatment go? If he refuses or if there is no serious progress made, I am prepared to leave,” that would be one thing. 

That is what I'm trying to ask! I'm sorry if my wording in my post wasn't the best, English isn't my first language. 

 

I Am ready to leave if he doesn't work on himself/gets worse/ ect.

 

Basically, what I was trying to ask in my post was.. "how do I suggest to my boyfriend to work on his anger? What are things I should say /shouldn't?" Or "Are there certain tips I can give him?"

 

I'm not his therapist and all I can give him is tips ect. 

My problem is simply that I don't know how anger feels and simply have no experience with it. I don't want to come off as insensitive when I talk to him about it.. because I'm planning to have a serious conversation about his anger soon.

 

Maybe everyone is right who comments in this post.. but I simply don't want to give up on him, you know? We have amazing memories together, have so much fun and laughs together. He helps me and supports me.. and I want to do the same for him. I simply don't know how. I don't know what to suggest. What tips to give.. ect. 

 

And yes, if it gets worse.. he doesn't change.. I will Leave. I've experienced my entire childhood being treated like *** and I refuse to have the same in my adulthood. I don't deserve that🙄 

I just want to give him a chance to better himself before I make a decision like that. That's why I asked for advice on how to approach it

[Sadbreadstick]

I am absolutely taking everyone's comments in mind. But like I said, I'm not one to give up on someone without giving them a chance. It's his choice to take that chance or drop it. If he works on his anger but then relapses just as quickly..  I will also leave!

 

If he takes it out on me again,,, I'm gone!

 

I just want to talk to him and see if there's any hope in this relationship before I cut it off. But before I have that talk,,, I need to know what to say and how to offer any possible help... without making any sacrifices on my part. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

24 minutes ago, Sadbreadstick said:

If he works on his anger

He behaves the way he does because he wants to.

He doesn't think anything is wrong with his behaviour.

There are no "tips" to be given. And I don't think he asked you for any. He might pretend to want to change to keep you hooked, but the core is the same.

You are not a therapist nor mom nor nurse. You can't heal issues that he selfishly doesn't see anything wrong with.

30 minutes ago, Sadbreadstick said:

I've experienced my entire childhood being treated like *** and I refuse to have the same in my adulthood. I don't deserve that🙄 

But you're already mistreated. You're already putting up with unacceptable behaviour. That line was crossed. Abuse from a partner comes in a different form from that of an abusive parent. It's less frequent in early days (because otherwise, you'd walk away asap) and then it slowly escalates.

24 minutes ago, Sadbreadstick said:

But before I have that talk,,, I need to know what to say and how to offer any possible help...

Well, you can use the "When you do X, I feel Y. How do you explain this ? What are you willing to do to stop this?". And see how it goes. His reaction and following actions will tell you what you need to know.

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, Sadbreadstick said:

I've experienced my entire childhood being treated like *** and I refuse to have the same in my adulthood.

You're already there, girl. You're already tolerating a lot of BS from this guy. 

30 minutes ago, Sadbreadstick said:

I don't want to come off as insensitive when I talk to him about it.

Sorry, but do you think he's worried about being insensitive to you when he treats you like this? 

Think about that. He sure doesn't have the same care and respect for you that you are so eager to display to him.