My boyfriend messaged a girl he previously slept with

[ShySoul]

I have numbers saved from people I haven't spoken to in years. How often do some people really delete things like that?

I have reached out to people I knew years ago because I was lonely and randomly thought of them and said, why not see if I can find the.

I have written someone I was once romantically into, not to get with them but to check in and see how they were.

There could be valid, innocent reasons for his actions.

Yes, he broke the trust and has to earn it. But he can't earn it back if he doesn't get the chance, if it is assumed he was lying and manipulating and things are given up on.

One act versus eighteen months. What to do depends on who this person has been the entire relationship. If he has shown himself prior to be the sensitive man that was said he was, then give him a chance to prove himself. If this is a continuation of what he has been like before, he's used up his chances.

[Emilyl]

Hi everyone,

Thank you to all who have commented and shared your thoughts. I have been reading the replies and they have helped me process and pinpoint where I needed to ask him further questions to enable me to decide what to do. I am intending on replying to specific people and provide an update soon - work has been busy but I wanted to thank you all in the meantime!

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Emilyl said:

Hi everyone,

Thank you to all who have commented and shared your thoughts. I have been reading the replies and they have helped me process and pinpoint where I needed to ask him further questions to enable me to decide what to do. I am intending on replying to specific people and provide an update soon - work has been busy but I wanted to thank you all in the meantime!

That's thoughtful of you to return! Look - it doesn't matter if his intention was to hook up or just play with fire.  Or somewhere in between -it was inappropriate to contact her and message her in the way he did given how they know each other because he already knew she would know he's not contacting her as a long lost old friend to catch up with.  And then he lied about it.  Made excuses.  Also inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  He was needy for attention from a woman he had sex with in the past - wanted the ego boost with the "cover" that - I'm in a serious relationship.  Perhaps he knew she wouldn't care if he was as far as being flirtatious.

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, Emilyl said:

Hi everyone,

Thank you to all who have commented and shared your thoughts. I have been reading the replies and they have helped me process and pinpoint where I needed to ask him further questions to enable me to decide what to do. I am intending on replying to specific people and provide an update soon - work has been busy but I wanted to thank you all in the meantime!

Take your time Emilyl. Do what's right for you. Whatever that is, I hope you end up okay and happy with your decision.

[yogacat]

16 hours ago, Emilyl said:

Hi everyone,

Thank you to all who have commented and shared your thoughts. I have been reading the replies and they have helped me process and pinpoint where I needed to ask him further questions to enable me to decide what to do. I am intending on replying to specific people and provide an update soon - work has been busy but I wanted to thank you all in the meantime!

Yes, please go into this with a clear head. 

Well, based on what we've pieced together from this post, he's messaging her because he's lonely (so, unfulfilled emotionally by you and/or didn't feel he could open up to you).

When he feels lonely he could reach out to you who is there and who loves him back. Not some girl he slept with 2 years ago.

Food for thought. Please keep us posted and good luck with this!

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/12/2024 at 12:47 AM, Emilyl said:

The essence of the messages were: he reached out to her to see how she’s doing, she responds, they catch up, some of his texts appear flirty to me, including emojis, and ask her whether she’s still with the guy she was seeing etc.

^^Messages - plural.  Flirty words, flirty emojis, asked her if she's still with the same guy she was seeing.

That is what would trouble me. 

Had it been one random message wherein there was no flirtation or him asking her if she's still with same guy....  I might let that pass IF he was truly remorseful (i.e. NO crying). 

Crying is pretty much a dealbreaker for me in situations like this.   At a funeral to mourn the passing of a loved one?  I understand that type of crying.  But here?  Clear manipulation IMO, there was NO reason for him to cry for heaven's sake, other than to manipulate you.  It was silly.

As far as him telling her HE is in a relationship?  

He may have said it to alleviate guilt OR something that has not been mentioned -- to increase his status in her eyes.  To some women, a man in a relationship does increase his status as obviously another woman finds him attractive enough to be in a RL and even live with him.

So he may have said it hoping it would increase his status in her eyes and she would hook up with him.  Once he discovered she was not up for that, he stopped texting.

I realize that's a bit of what @ShySoulalluded to -- he was being so Machiavellian that his evil genius is on another level -- but ya never about some of these guys, until, well, you do know!

In any event, @Emilyl agree with yogacat to keep a clear head and please let us know what happens!!

 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

On 8/12/2024 at 3:47 AM, Emilyl said:

I am doubtful whether I can continue the relationship, but based on the facts I don’t know whether I am being too harsh,

There are no judges or juries on your love life, so it's not 'too harsh' to walk away. It's self preservation, not punitive.

The guy doesn't need to be a villain to have proven himself to be untrustworthy. Regardless of whether he was somehow not seeking an opportunity to cheat, his intentions were questionable, and his judgment is inexplicably lousy. So can you trust him again? Even if you want to credit him with mere naïveté, how can you trust a partner with such horrible judgment? Wouldn't you find it an exhausting disappointment to feel a need to parent this guy through adulthood because you can't trust his decision making abilities?

My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry he did this, and you deserve better.

[ShySoul]

On 8/12/2024 at 12:47 AM, Emilyl said:

we were messaging at the same time he was messaging this girl.

So he was lonely and he did message you. You were chatting with him. He wasn't contacting her and ignoring you. He didn't put you on the backburner or look for a newer model. You are still important to him.

People can be involved in multiple chats at once and it not mean anything bad or have to be some kind of game. He may have reached out to both of you. If you are lonely, wouldn't two conversations help twice as much as one? At least, that might be what some people think.

I'm also going to assume that messages were referring to multiple messages on one conversation thread. I believe that's how it works. If you write someone to catch up, you keep the thread going as a conversation and catch up. Its being polite and friendly. And if he is a playful kind of person, then emojis or things that could be taken as flirty can come out. I've done it with no romantic intent, just cause I like being goofy.

And tears could be a genuine expression of emotion. You say he is sensitive. Sensitive people express there emotions. They are likely to cry more easily. I have cried when I've messed up because I knew I hurt someone I love. I wasn't trying to manipulate them. I felt bad for my actions and didn't know what else to do. In the moment all I could do was cry and say I was sorry. Which is what he did.

There has been all kinds of speculating on what kind of person he is. Only you and him know for sure. So talk to him. Keep a clear head and both of you should listen to each other. Both of you should keep an open mind and open heart. Both of you need to recognize the others feelings. And both of you need to see if this is worth continuing. Its up to the two of you, together.

Hope things turn out for the best.

[yogacat]

On 8/13/2024 at 7:21 PM, ShySoul said:

I have numbers saved from people I haven't spoken to in years. How often do some people really delete things like that?

I have reached out to people I knew years ago because I was lonely and randomly thought of them and said, why not see if I can find the.

I have written someone I was once romantically into, not to get with them but to check in and see how they were.

There could be valid, innocent reasons for his actions.

Yes, he broke the trust and has to earn it. But he can't earn it back if he doesn't get the chance, if it is assumed he was lying and manipulating and things are given up on.

One act versus eighteen months. What to do depends on who this person has been the entire relationship. If he has shown himself prior to be the sensitive man that was said he was, then give him a chance to prove himself. If this is a continuation of what he has been like before, he's used up his chances.

Maybe so Shys, and I can get that it's totally innocent in that regard but he hid it from her. The only way she found out is because she was on his phone and he was also trying to hide it after she saw it. I was speaking more to his reaction though and how he seemed to disregard his girlfriend's feelings in that moment and was surprised about the ick factor and how it was hurtful as if he didn't believe she should be surprised. That would be my biggest take away, not his response.

He reaches out to an ex to see how she's doing, update her on how great is girlfriend is and find out how happy she is with her partner? It's not wrong to reach out but it looks fishy. 🐡

An ex reached out to me and I reached out to him but we were both single. I think if I was going to reach out to an ex fling (well, I wouldn't) I'd mention it to my boyfriend at some point. I suppose then it turns into a conversation, how much do you need to let your SO know in terms of who you contact outside of the relationship for no particular reason? It's always going to come down to unspoken assumptions and expectations.