My boyfriend messaged a girl he previously slept with

[Emilyl]

Hi everyone, 

My boyfriend (26) and I (27) have been together for around 18 months.

Yesterday, I was on his phone (he knew I was on it) and I ended up seeing messages from a girl that he’d been messaging earlier in the week; I asked him who this was and why he was messaging her, and he explained it was a girl he’d been on a date with a couple of years ago and slept with, but hasn’t spoken to for a year and a half (so, the entirety of our relationship). 

The essence of the messages were: he reached out to her to see how she’s doing, she responds, they catch up, some of his texts appear flirty to me, including emojis, and ask her whether she’s still with the guy she was seeing etc. She asks the same of him and he says he’s happily in a relationship and that we basically live together. Obviously, the girl finds this bizarre and then responds to ask why he is messaging her after a year and a half when he has a girlfriend, and that she is only trying to look out for my feelings, so he agrees and stops texting. 

When my boyfriend and I talked about this, he was crying and said he shouldn't have done it but that he felt lonely and that he doesn't have many friends he can speak to, and just wanted someone different to chat to. He said I'm the best thing in his life, that he will never do anything like that again and begged me not to break up with him.

I’m not sure whether I trust him anymore, it’s concerning to me that his first thought when he’s lonely is to reach out to a random girl he once slept with, rather than anyone else he could have reached out to, and this girl was the one that had to point out that it was inappropriate. I asked him if thought about me before he messaged, and he said yes but that he didn’t think I’d find out - which makes me doubt if he respects me.

I have explained how it has made me feel (i.e like he is missing something in the relationship/I’m not good enough because he tried to get companionship elsewhere) and he understands and is very apologetic but says that’s not the case at all and that he’s very happy in the relationship, he is adamant he was ‘just seeing how she’s doing’.

I am doubtful whether I can continue the relationship, but based on the facts I don’t know whether I am being too harsh, since he didn’t *actually* cheat, albeit his actions are concerning so I’m on fence about seeing how it goes and seeing whether I can trust him again.

Bit of background on my boyfriend - he is a sensitive guy and very nice to everyone. He has had mild depression before he met me, but sometimes still has down days just like anyone, and I do think the day he messaged this girl was probably one of his down and lonely days (I know it doesn’t excuse it, but just context). Albeit he didn’t tell me he was down/lonely, and we were messaging at the same time he was messaging this girl.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I would be grateful for some advice from unbiased third parties!

Thank you!

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, Emilyl said:

When my boyfriend and I talked about this, he was crying and said he shouldn't have done it but that he felt lonely and that he doesn't have many friends he can speak to

Horse crap. 

I hope you don't buy this. He was fishing to see if she is single, and it's not because he is "lonely."

26 minutes ago, Emilyl said:

don’t know whether I am being too harsh, since he didn’t *actually* cheat, albeit his actions are concerning

It's not a trust issue, though. It's also your indication that he's not that into you anymore, or he wouldn't be reaching out to a past fling and being flirty and trying to find out if she's dating anyone. He's not committed the way he should be, and his interest in you and the relationship is flimsy at this point. 

I'm sorry. I would get rid of this guy.

[Batya33]

If he wanted someone different to chat to it obviously didn't need to be an ex. I keep in touch with certain exes as does my husband.  I don't think in our 19 years or so of being together this time around I've ever once looked at his phone or seen any message or email to an ex or cared to.  Why were  you on his phone and how did  you "end up" seeing messages - my husband has handed me his phone to check directions, look at a photo, look at a specific text or video - and I've never even thought to click anywhere else.  And vice versa.  If I feel like getting back in touch with someone I would never choose someone where it might come across as inappropriate to the person or anyone.  He was absolutely fishing as Canuck said and he's not being honest with you IMO.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not a trust issue, though.

Sorry, quoting myself here because I meant to write it is not only a trust issue. 

The other rmajor problem is that he isn't committed to you in his heart and mind. He's starting to fish for other options, which means his interest in you and your relationship is already cru,mbling. Trusting him not to cheat won't resolve that. 

[Kwothe28]

So, he doesnt have many friends so he flirts with his ex who he was sleeping with before? And he, on top of that, cries when he wants to cause sympathy which is basically manipulation. 

Yeah, you shouldnt fall for that. He doesnt need an ex girlfriend to make friends, he needed it to have recreational sex with. But now when it was discovered, he tries to make excuses. 

[AuthenticSelf]

I want you to try to imagine yourself in his shoes.

He told you he felt lonely and not that many people to talk too. 

It is easy to see, how many people he interact with in a week besides you?

If it is countable in 1 hand, he might be right. 

Maybe the only friend he had is you. How can him not feeling lonely?

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

How can him not feeling lonely?

Yeah, no.

This is not the reason to reach out to some girl he hasn't spoken to in 18 months. Please. 

[waffle]

9 hours ago, Emilyl said:

 

. . .  he will never do anything like that again . . .

What he really means: "I will cover my tracks/delete the messages next time in a better effort to hide them from you."

[Coily]

It would be one thing if the two of them had a long history before the date and sex. just doesn't sound like the case here.

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, Emilyl said:

he is a sensitive guy and very nice to everyone. He has had mild depression before he met me, but sometimes still has down days just like anyone, and I do think the day he messaged this girl was probably one of his down and lonely days

If you want to know his intent, look at the kind of person he is. You have known him for 18 months. What behavior seems to be in line with who he has been throughout your relationship? Is he the kind of guy who would get lonely and reach out to someone that might have crossed his mind? Or is he the kind of guy who would randomly message someone from his distant past and try to hook up with them? Which one seems more likely based off of everything you know about him.

I know the first instinct is to be suspicious and assume the worse. I know the very idea of talking to an ex can bring up feelings of insecurities and mistrust. But be careful of jumping to conclusions and actually looking at his actions first.

As someone who gets depressed at times and doesn't have many friends to speak to, I will sometimes think of random people from my past. Sometimes something will come along that will remind me of a person from long ago. Is it possible something like that happened to him? Did he deliberately seek her out? Or was it a spur of the moment thought?

It is a problem that he wouldn't tell you because he thought you wouldn't find out. At the very least he needs to understand that there needs to be full transparancy and communication about such an issue. 

You have been together a year and a half. How has the relationship been? Is everything else okay? If so, do you really want to throw that all away over one incident? Or can you find a way to work together and get on the same page again? He has apoligized and admitted he was wrong. Can you accept that? Or do you really want to think the worse of him?

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, Emilyl said:

She asks the same of him and he says he’s happily in a relationship and that we basically live together

If he was really looking to cheat or have recreational sex, don't imagine he would admit to being happily in a relationship and living with the person. 

And asking about her relationship could honestly just have been trying to catch up with a person.

[smackie9]

He was looking for an ego boost...like he still has it. There's insecurity in that, and tho he put on an act because he got caught...might need more conversation about this behavior and what is rooted in it, if you want to work on this with him. 

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't trust him.  Even though he apologized to you,  he'll only cover his tracks better in the future so he won't get caught. 

My thoughts?  He's deceitful and it's only a matter of time before he'll betray you again.  Continue a relationship with him at your own risk.  ☹️

If I were you,  I'd dump him immediately.

[yogacat]

It's the part about that he felt lonely and that he doesn't have many friends he can speak to that I view problematic. 

If he's going to randomly message women he's had sex with each time he feels lonely rather than reach out to the plethora of casual acquaintances or coworkers who I'm sure he knows on at least a limited basis to catch up or whatever, that's a very hot button issue. 

To me it's an insult to your intelligence really and it's no excuse but rationalization. He was bored and tried chatting up an old flame, plain and simple. 

I by no means think that exes or past flings can't ever be in touch but why was he going around being 'lonely' with women he'd had sex with before and isn't friends with? That's not cool.

He was also flirty. He said he's in a relationship and is happy after he asked her relationship status and she said she had a boyfriend...

I mean communicating with a woman he used to know a couple of times does not appear like it was his intention to reconnect with her but maybe just to check on what other options are still out there to see if he still got it, he knows he can't do that and have a girlfriend.

[shouldhavelearned]

Get away

From what you said, he would have pursued her.

And he let you on the phone like he wanted to be caught.

[ShySoul]

Can we please have more information on the history of your relationship? Has he ever done anything like this before? Have you had issues trusting him? Does he get lonely often and if so, how does he handle it? Is he someone who would make an excuse and lie about his actions? Does he generally tell you everything or is he likely to keep things from you?

It's easy for a bunch of strangers who have never met him to automatically assume the worse case scenario. But the truth is, you are the only one who knows him. You have been there day in and day out with him. You know what kind of person he is deep down. You have seen him at his best and at his worst. So if anyone knows if he can be trusted, its you.

Its not one incident, its the pattern. Who a person is reveals itself in their every action, their every word. Sometimes they are human and falter even if they are overall good. Sometimes bad people can fool us with good acts, but the bad always sticks out.

So who is he? Eighteen months is a long time to know a person. After all this time, is he the lying cheat you can't trust? Or is the person struggling with depression who made a really poor judgment?

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Maybe the only friend he had is you. How can him not feeling lonely?

How many friends does he have? And are those really friends as in he is comfortable opening up and sharing his feeling with them? Or are they more casual acquaintances that he knows but aren't really familiar with? 

When I've been depressed and lonely I've wanted to reach out to anyone. But I've also not wanted to be a burden to people. In that state of mind, its not always easy to know what to do. And you can make the wrong choice because wanting to feel something else is better then what you are feeling.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

t's the part about that he felt lonely and that he doesn't have many friends he can speak to that I view problematic.

Exactly, because only a fool  (or someone very naive) would actually believe that's why he reached out to this woman. 

He can't be trusted to protect the integrity of the relationship when he's "lonely." Meh. Next. 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Exactly, because only a fool  (or someone very naive) would actually believe that's why he reached out to this woman. 

He can't be trusted to protect the integrity of the relationship when he's "lonely." Meh. Next. 

 

I agree.  And I am a person trying to reconnect with people -including old friends and newer ones and trying to get to know certain acquaintances better. 

My long term ex boyfriend and I are connected on LinkedIn - I connected by accident, he then accepted and since I knew it was fine/appropriate I left it.  That was around 8 years ago.  Times I've messaged him - zero. Times I've clicked on something he posts -zero.  I am curious as to how he's doing -not for romantic or ego purposes -and if I were single and if I thought his wife would be ok with it I likely would have some more contact - we'd catch up on each other's lives = but when you're in a relationship you factor in your partner before clicking or messaging certain people. 

This to me includes anyone who is not supportive of your relationship whether because the person is an ex or otherwise  -you have to take your partner's feelings and situation into account.  It absolutely can feel restrictive sometimes (not to me -I'm good the last 18 years) - but it's part of the responsibility of committing to another person. I would not want my husband to feel uncomfortable, I would not want to interact with someone on any personal level if that person -hypothetically -didn't like or was disrespectful about my husband - and I also married someone who shares the same outlook as me more or less about keeping in touch with exes appropriately, about having opposite gender close friends and how to move about in the world with reasonable boundaries. 

In this situation this person he  slept with is um not a great candidate to be friendly with his girlfriend -ever -so why make contact.  I am very friendly with one of my husband's ex's -they dated a couple months - the three of us met fwhen we all attended the same event, and I separately became friends with her and her kids and my child played together a lot.  But if he'd secretly messaged her -she was single when I met her - I'd not have wanted to meet her ever and obviously he would have known why.

I think if a person in a relationship finds that too restrictive then it's likely not the right relationship for them or perhaps they're not available to commit -I sense that the OP's boyfriend wasn't "lonely" he felt needy for some cheap thrill/ego boost so he rationalized it as well I'll tell her I have a girlfriend but I'll figure out if she still wants me.  That's not a healthy way to act in a relationship. It would be fine if he were single other than likely annoying her boyfriend perhaps.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/12/2024 at 12:47 AM, Emilyl said:

When my boyfriend and I talked about this, he was crying and said he shouldn't have done it but that he felt lonely....

^^Oh for crying out loud, PLEASE dump this bozo, seriously.

And please don't fall for his fake tears, he knew exactly what he was doing, and it wasn't because he was "lonely."

Arghh, how can you even still be attracted to him after this?  Let alone respect him and trust him?

It's a clear manipulation and utterly pathetic.

NEXT.

[TeeDee]

It sounds like something stupid he did out of boredom without thinking it through.   Take solace in the fact that he said he is in a relationship but only you can determine if this is break up worthy.   I don't like the thoughtlessness of it but I'd probably give him another chance.  

 

[waffle]

On 8/12/2024 at 3:47 AM, Emilyl said:

I asked him if thought about me before he messaged, and he said yes but that he didn’t think I’d find out 

This right here guarantees you can't trust him.  So he thinks if you won't find out about something then he thinks it's okay to do it?  Wow.  I'm actually surprised he admitted that . . . but again, his reasoning is what you don't know won't hurt you.

And I wouldn't spend too much time patting him on the back about admitting he was in a relationship.  I remember an ex from my distant past contacting me shortly after my divorce, he was clear he was in a relationship but we went out to dinner (platonic ) to catch up and it became apparent towards the end of the dinner that he was trying to prime me for some NSA sex.  Obviously I wasn't interested.   I think guys like this admit they're in a relationship BECAUSE they want to hook up, and them being in a relationship gets them off the hook for pursuing anything further after that one time (should they get lucky).

Slimeballs.  🙄

[ShySoul]

So assuming he was trying to hook up with someone he:

1. Contacts someone he hasn't spoke with in a year and a half who may not even take the call or remember him instead of someone he currently interacts with.

2. Contacts someone who last thing he knew was in a relationship.

3. Fails to delete the messages which would cover his tracts.

4.Allows girlfriend to look through his phone where the messages are.

5. Doesn't try to make an excuse and immediately feels bad and apologizes.

6. Volunteers the information they had slept together when he could have just said she was an old friend.

If he was trying to do anything nefarious, he handled it he most inept and stupid way possible. Unless he was being so machiavellian that his evil genius is on another level. Though I thought liars and manipulators tend to be a little better at it.

Or maybe he was depressed, made a boneheaded mistake and really is sorry.

[yogacat]

But this was a women he went on one date with and slept with, it's not like a friendship he damaged. He is an adult. If he was truly lonely, he could have reached out to anyone.

He chose the person he had a sexual history with. 

Even if he had made a legitimate mistake, don't both parties have to earn each other's trust in a relationship? It isn't just the job on the person who does the damage. It is the job of the person that was damaged to work on forgiveness and trust. 

@Emilyl - if he went on one date with her two years ago, how did he still have her phone number? Why did they stop seeing each other? It would make me question whether or not he still had feelings for this girl or if he was trying to see if she had feelings for him as well. If it wasn’t for her telling him that what he was doing wasn’t appropriate, I suspect he would keep it a secret from you so you wouldn’t find out. I think that might explain in part the freakout once he realized he’d been caught.

I’m guessing he’s telling you it was harmless and only happened once because it makes him seem less guilty. Maybe this was the only time he got caught, who knows? I can’t tell you one way or the other what his true intentions were but it doesn’t seem to be effort put into the existing relationship he has with you.

[waffle]

No one ever said these guys were smart.