I don’t know what to think anymore

[FragileHeart]

So, my ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. Within that month, he had sex with a friend of his. He said that his friend also broke up with her partner and in the end, things just happened and they had sex. He thought that I hated him and wanted him out of his life when we broke that. That wasn’t the case at all. I still had feelings for him. He also said that what they had wasn’t out of love for each other, it was mutual and that he regretted it so much right after. I lashed out on him. Now, I don’t know what to think anymore. Am I being an ***? Am I being sensitive? Is it all because of my personal views on sex? I don’t know. I feel cheated on even though we weren’t together and that he thought I didn’t like him at all. He still loves me, but I feel sick to my stomach knowing he had mutual sex with a friend of his. I feel so insecure and broken now. I don’t know what to think anymore.

edit: if it helps at all, he told that friend that we broke up and she said to just cut off all communication from me.

[yogacat]

Yeah. Even though you were broken up it's still going to sting for sure! We tend to have this ideal image of the relationship we once shared with exes and the thought of them running right out and sleeping with someone else is a tough one to swallow. 

Now, I'm curious to know how long you were together and the reason you broke up!  Also by the sounds of it you have a few issues going on that maybe you need to have your own glowing single time where you work on those personal problems so when the right opportunity comes along you'll be ready. 

[FragileHeart]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yeah. Even though you were broken up it's still going to sting for sure! We tend to have this ideal image of the relationship we once shared with exes and the thought of them running right out and sleeping with someone else is a tough one to swallow. 

Now, I'm curious to know how long you were together and the reason you broke up!  Also by the sounds of it you have a few issues going on that maybe you need to have your own glowing single time where you work on those personal problems so when the right opportunity comes along you'll be ready. 

It was for over a year. I know this sounds…unrealistic and probably in over my head, but we thought about just doing everything together up to having a family and all that. It was long distance. We managed to make it work, but we broke up because I was going through a hard time, mentally. Depression really hit me like a truck. And he couldn’t handle much more of it, but he tried and he did help me at times. It was my fault as first. Then we talked again, enjoyed our time together after not talking for a long time. Last night when he said what he said, I thought everything was gone, my views on him are gone. He was scared of telling me that he had sex and I was just horrified at first, then sad, and now I feel extremely mad and upset 

[Kwothe28]

You do know that you dont have to take him back? You broke up, he slept with somebody else. Not cheating but it does have certain kind of ickyness given that its his friend and you can wonder if they always had a thing for each other. Anyway, this should only reinburst that breaking up was a wise decision. And that you should stay that way and move on in time.

[FragileHeart]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You do know that you dont have to take him back? You broke up, he slept with somebody else. Not cheating but it does have certain kind of ickyness given that it’s his friend and you can wonder if they always had a thing for each other. Anyway, this should only reinburst that breaking up was a wise decision. And that you should stay that way and move on in time.

I know. But what we did for each other was just so much of an impact we couldn’t be apart. I feel like this is toxic in a way, but we don’t want to leave. I don’t want to get too graphic, but we both just didn’t want to ‘be here’. If we didn’t met, we probably wouldn’t. We both helped each other immensely, we appreciated each other’s flaws and embraced them. Especially for me. If it makes a difference, this was both of our first relationship ever. 

[yogacat]

14 minutes ago, FragileHeart said:

It was for over a year. I know this sounds…unrealistic and probably in over my head, but we thought about just doing everything together up to having a family and all that. It was long distance. We managed to make it work, but we broke up because I was going through a hard time, mentally. Depression really hit me like a truck. And he couldn’t handle much more of it, but he tried and he did help me at times. It was my fault as first. Then we talked again, enjoyed our time together after not talking for a long time. Last night when he said what he said, I thought everything was gone, my views on him are gone. He was scared of telling me that he had sex and I was just horrified at first, then sad, and now I feel extremely mad and upset 

Well one thing is for certain. If you take him back the ick factor is not going away anytime soon! Have the two of you ever met? Why were you long distance?

Maybe you take a bit of time and space from this for a bit.. Maybe you got out with a hot 20 something (in your new +1) and enjoy yourself for a bit and do something that goes against the grain from your ex, then if your ex ever asks if you've done this or that... be like yup! 😚

[FragileHeart]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well one thing is for certain. If you take him back the ick factor is not going away anytime soon! Have the two of you ever met? Why were you long distance?

Maybe you take a bit of time and space from this for a bit.. Maybe you got out with a hot 20 something (in your new +1) and enjoy yourself for a bit and do something that goes against the grain from your ex, then if your ex ever asks if you've done this or that... be like yup! 😚

Possibly yeah. As for your question, we have not actually. I planned to in a few months or so. We met on discord, probably a common way to find someone. He lives in Australia and I live in the US. Huge distance huh?

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, FragileHeart said:

Possibly yeah. As for your question, we have not actually. I planned to in a few months or so. We met on discord, probably a common way to find someone. He lives in Australia and I live in the US. Huge distance huh?

Oh wow. That's such an incredible distance. I mean, I know it hurts that he slept with someone else so soon but the practicality of you both closing the gap and the strain from that alone will surely cause things to fizzle.

I have known several couples in life (like through my gym, another a family member) that were initially long distance and 100% intended to make it a thing eventually and now live together in the same geographic area. The one through my gym has been married for about 25 years now. That's not to say it never happens but long distance without a plan to close the gap? Oy. That's a bit difficult to do long term.

While you weren't exclusive / in a relationship, he still acted as though you pulled off the hook: a full free ticket to sleep with whomever he chose. He went for someone he knows because it's easier, obviously.

Here's the reality though, you've not spent time in each other's vicinity, you don't know each other in three-dimensions in the real world, you don't know what he is like or what he does in realspace.

His choice to have sex with a friend of his is what it is.  He had the opportunity to explore his limits and he took it. 

[ShySoul]

People deal with grief in different ways. Some people retreat into themselves and their pain. They can't fathom being with anyone else for a time. Others try to distract themselves by attaching themselves to someone new. There are people at all points in between.

If it helps, I don't believe it was intentional or a way to get back at you. It was solace in the arms of a friend that went too far. And he seems to regret it now.

That still doesn't make it right. It's perfectly reasonable to be upset. This was a person you trusted and felt a bond with. This was someone you gave your heart to and spending a life wife. It's heartbreaking to think someone could so easiy put that aside to sleep with another person so quickly.

Before I met my first love I had thoughts of not wanting to be here. I wasn't her first love, but she had been hurt badly in the past. We helped each other in many ways. There was also distance issues, though it was close enough that we did meet up several times. We also talked of a future together. But she eventually broke my heart. While I was crying and hoping to get back with her, she meet someone else. Within a month they were engaged and within two months married. Even though the marriage quickly feel apart, it didn't stop it from hurting any less. And there was a lot of anger mixed in as well.

So I've been there. Everything you must be feeling now, I felt. It's okay to feel it, all of it. Go through the whole range of emotions and really let yourself feel them. It's hard to describe that mix of emotions, but it will do you good to just let it all out. Know you'll find a way through them all and come to a place of peace with it, it just might take some time to work through.

When you feel calmer, the question you have to ask is if your feelings for him can eventually return to what they once were. It may not be right away, but can you see yourself trusting him again? Is this something you can work past, or do you feel it's changed something fundamental between you? 

Try to give it some time and space first. Then really listen to what your heart is telling you is best for you. Whatever that is, do it. And I hope things turn out good for you.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, FragileHeart said:

He lives in Australia and I live in the US. Huge distance huh?

How often had you met in person? 

[TeeDee]

This was your first relationship.  It was long distance & given that you are literally on opposite sides of the planet I'm assuming you never met & that you have not had sex with anybody.  

Your friend who advised no contact (cutting all communications) is wise. That is a good course for soothing your emotional pain.  If you stop talking to him he can't hurt you any more. 

As lovely & fun as your "relationship" was it wasn't real.  It was on line only, which isn't enough for a genuine romance.  You need proximity.   

Grieve the loss.  Take some time to heal.  Then date somebody local who you can see & spend time with regularly.