Resentment of girlfriends decisions. Feel like i should break up but scared

[smackie9]

 People who have OCD, do not negotiate, don't compromise, will lie and or deflect when confronted. This is why there's a breakdown in communication...YOU can't communicate because they will not and never will listen....ever. You will not get anywhere with her.

[smackie9]

Do you not feel isolated from having a life?

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Simplygrey said:

I'm not downplaying just explaining... I'm afraid there wont be any room for children, cat beds, where the cats going to go when we work etc... i have asked these questions and get a answer of people have pets and work!

You are not a victim here.  Breaking up is a big deal in most cases. But the standard of staying is "she isn't doing anything wrong"  Two of my long term exes did nothing wrong whatsoever.  And I got back together with one years later and we're married over 15 years now! The standard to me is a positive one -is this person compatible with me as a long term partner and do we have love and passion and chemistry, common values and stuff in common, compatible sense of humor, etc.

Being a doormat as you are behaving is a real turn off and incredibly unhealthy for you.  You're acting like some low level employee who doesn't have a choice but to do extra work because the alternative would be poverty or homelessness etc.

I agree with the others as to words are fine.  Now take action.  Whether it's breaking up or some in between with  -here is what I am willing to tolerate going forward in our living situation...

[itsallgrand]

Ok I'll be the bad guy. She HAS done something wrong as a partner - she has been an irresponsible adult and allowed that to impact you. She is in no way in a position to be in a serious relationship, with you or anybody, in a healthy way. 

So the question is what do you get out of being with someone who holds you back? Are you afraid to be on your own? Is she your excuse for not meeting your own goals and dreams?

She's in debt living with her mother at 29 and added cats and daily amazon packages to the pile. That's not someone who is working towards an independent future. She's setting you up as the next mum. 

 

[Simplygrey]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Do you not feel isolated from having a life?

I mean i feel when i journal that i am living someone elses life and choices

[Simplygrey]

8 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Ok I'll be the bad guy. She HAS done something wrong as a partner - she has been an irresponsible adult and allowed that to impact you. She is in no way in a position to be in a serious relationship, with you or anybody, in a healthy way. 

So the question is what do you get out of being with someone who holds you back? Are you afraid to be on your own? Is she your excuse for not meeting your own goals and dreams?

She's in debt living with her mother at 29 and added cats and daily amazon packages to the pile. That's not someone who is working towards an independent future. She's setting you up as the next mum. 

 

Yeah when you put it like that its true but add emotions in and its so difficult to look past other things she is good with too... she takes care if me has good morals, we have a good time together when its just me and her and we never seem to get bored even now when we spend so much time together... its feel such a wrench to then be alone

[Simplygrey]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You are not a victim here.  Breaking up is a big deal in most cases. But the standard of staying is "she isn't doing anything wrong"  Two of my long term exes did nothing wrong whatsoever.  And I got back together with one years later and we're married over 15 years now! The standard to me is a positive one -is this person compatible with me as a long term partner and do we have love and passion and chemistry, common values and stuff in common, compatible sense of humor, etc.

Being a doormat as you are behaving is a real turn off and incredibly unhealthy for you.  You're acting like some low level employee who doesn't have a choice but to do extra work because the alternative would be poverty or homelessness etc.

I agree with the others as to words are fine.  Now take action.  Whether it's breaking up or some in between with  -here is what I am willing to tolerate going forward in our living situation...

That could be true but I've never felt that she is turned off from me as you say in your post. I do need to stand up for myself that is very true and i know i need to work on myself in that sense... I'm just not sure when i do a pros and cons list if its worth all the compromises for her unwavering love i feel from her and care... i know it maybe sounds stupid but thats just me

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, Simplygrey said:

That could be true but I've never felt that she is turned off from me as you say in your post. I do need to stand up for myself that is very true and i know i need to work on myself in that sense... I'm just not sure when i do a pros and cons list if its worth all the compromises for her unwavering love i feel from her and care... i know it maybe sounds stupid but thats just me

You don’t need to make all of this so convoluted (pros and cons list, etc.). You are not happy in this relationship all around. Simple as that, and that’s all you need to leave. Yes, you have moments of happiness, but you have tried to leave several times - organised alternative accommodation - and then backed out.

You are not doing her a kindness by staying in a relationship you aren’t happy in. You are wasting her time and definitely also wasting yours. You stay out of fear of regretting your decision, of feeling alone and lonely, of being in an unfamiliar - and therefore, uncomfortable - situation once you leave, as this is your first relationship and it has been 6 years. 

None of the above reasons justify staying in the relationship. You are not happy and your unhappiness has pushed you to make other living arrangements (regardless of whether you followed through with them or not), to write on this formal, to journal about your resentment and other difficulties in your relationship.

This won’t go away, as you and her are incompatible as a couple. You have very different lifestyles, she does not behave as one part of a team (making choices that impact you without discussing them first); she makes choices for the both of you as if you were a guest in her house and you just have to accept what she does. You are financially incompatible and her financial choices have impacted your own finances, yet, she receives packages daily, so she is obviously spending. This means she is living beyond her financial means.

These behaviours and choices are part of her personality and they aren’t going to go away. She may be able to adjust herself a little bit to be more conscientious of others, but that would take years of hard work with a therapist for it to become a “natural” part of her mental processing. 

Never stay with someone because of the past happy memories. We almost all of us have those memories with past partners. It doesn’t mean they are the right person for us, though. I think your girlfriend sounds controlling, irresponsible, and selfish. Let the both of you go so that you can both find the people that are right for you. People deserve to be happier sooner rather than wasting time and opportunity in something that ultimately isn’t going anywhere. You already know it deep down, which is why you aren’t really happy and have wanted to leave. Fear is never a good reason to stay.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Simplygrey said:

That could be true but I've never felt that she is turned off from me as you say in your post. I do need to stand up for myself that is very true and i know i need to work on myself in that sense... I'm just not sure when i do a pros and cons list if its worth all the compromises for her unwavering love i feel from her and care... i know it maybe sounds stupid but thats just me

What kind of unwavering love -her actions show she doesn't care about you having a comfortable and safe place to live -including financially safe.  Read what Itsallgrand says.  Doesn't she dismiss you when you express how you feel about it? How is that loving? And when you tolerate that treatment -yes -she is not going to see you as a reasonably confident and secure person.

[Simplygrey]

9 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

You don’t need to make all of this so convoluted (pros and cons list, etc.). You are not happy in this relationship all around. Simple as that, and that’s all you need to leave. Yes, you have moments of happiness, but you have tried to leave several times - organised alternative accommodation - and then backed out.

You are not doing her a kindness by staying in a relationship you aren’t happy in. You are wasting her time and definitely also wasting yours. You stay out of fear of regretting your decision, of feeling alone and lonely, of being in an unfamiliar - and therefore, uncomfortable - situation once you leave, as this is your first relationship and it has been 6 years. 

None of the above reasons justify staying in the relationship. You are not happy and your unhappiness has pushed you to make other living arrangements (regardless of whether you followed through with them or not), to write on this formal, to journal about your resentment and other difficulties in your relationship.

This won’t go away, as you and her are incompatible as a couple. You have very different lifestyles, she does not behave as one part of a team (making choices that impact you without discussing them first); she makes choices for the both of you as if you were a guest in her house and you just have to accept what she does. You are financially incompatible and her financial choices have impacted your own finances, yet, she receives packages daily, so she is obviously spending. This means she is living beyond her financial means.

These behaviours and choices are part of her personality and they aren’t going to go away. She may be able to adjust herself a little bit to be more conscientious of others, but that would take years of hard work with a therapist for it to become a “natural” part of her mental processing. 

Never stay with someone because of the past happy memories. We almost all of us have those memories with past partners. It doesn’t mean they are the right person for us, though. I think your girlfriend sounds controlling, irresponsible, and selfish. Let the both of you go so that you can both find the people that are right for you. People deserve to be happier sooner rather than wasting time and opportunity in something that ultimately isn’t going anywhere. You already know it deep down, which is why you aren’t really happy and have wanted to leave. Fear is never a good reason to stay.

Take on all your points definitely i am afraid of all the above you mentioned- being alone, not finding anyone to love again, not feeling so comfortable where i can be myself around someone and they make me good about feeling myself... I'm afraid of all these things. Thinking about all the things in our relationship thats good and alot of the problems stem from her selfish outlook of buying the pets without me and also the debt she got into i keep thinking if the debts go could i live with the pets though...

[Simplygrey]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What kind of unwavering love -her actions show she doesn't care about you having a comfortable and safe place to live -including financially safe.  Read what Itsallgrand says.  Doesn't she dismiss you when you express how you feel about it? How is that loving? And when you tolerate that treatment -yes -she is not going to see you as a reasonably confident and secure person.

Thats probably because I'm not a confident and secure person.... i am working on this. The issue i have is as shes said it was a mistake and has said shes sorry for these things... I'm not sure if i can forgive her... i understand people make mistakes in life and throughout a long relationship theres going to be times people make mistakes and its about accepting and forgiving.

[MissCanuck]

So loving and caring that she expects you to live a crappy life at Mommy's house right along with her and take care of her debts?

You and I have very different definitions of love and care, it seems. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Simplygrey said:

Thats probably because I'm not a confident and secure person.... i am working on this. The issue i have is as shes said it was a mistake and has said shes sorry for these things... I'm not sure if i can forgive her... i understand people make mistakes in life and throughout a long relationship theres going to be times people make mistakes and its about accepting and forgiving.

This is not about the cliches of everyone makes mistakes -reminds me of the potty training videos my son used to watch over and over "accidents happen...that's what they say" - it's about you not being in a place of reasonable confidence -not perfect just reasonable. If you're not reasonably confident and you don't know  your worth you can't really be in a healthful serious romantic relationship and you won't pick people who respect and admire you. 

It's about accepting and forgiving -from a position of confidence. I have accepted and forgave certain people AND I keep my distance or have boundaries because while I forgive I don't want to risk being in a bad or uncomfortable situation again with that person.  

Through a long relationship people will make mistakes -it depends what it is, how it's resolved, how often, so many factors -not about cliches.  Last night I got frustrated with my husband for taking too long to get something set up with the result that our teenager was annoying me after I got to sit down finally for a few minutes after cleaning and prepping for today - I overreacted to how long it was taking him.  I apologized.  We got past it quickly.  We also cancelled our wedding 11 years prior to our actual wedding. I made a mistake I think in staying in the relationship as long as i did back then -i should have probably not gotten engaged back then.  Almost 8 years later we got back together and got married.  He clearly forgave me for the hurt and logistical chaos caused by the breakup.  However if our breakup had had to do with cheating or lying or like that (it did not, at all!) I doubt he would have forgiven me AND wanted to marry me.  

I'd avoid generalizing and I'd avoid settling because you're afraid of being alone. I almost settled a few  times in my 20s and 30s.  Thank goodness I didn't.  It doesn't mean marital bliss all the time but it means I know all the time why I married this person who I love and who I get cranky with at times LOL.

[Tinydance]

I think you're probably just really incompatible. I'm assuming because she bought three cats that she's a huge cat person. I mean, three is a lot lol And you're clearly not a cat person. I mean, if you liked cats you wouldn't be so upset that she got the cats. It might not seem like a big deal if you don't match on that but as you can see, it's a big deal to YOU. And that's actually fine. Some people don't like pets at all and wouldn't date people who have pets. As they say, to each their own.

Also I'm not sure what point you were trying to make by saying if you had kids together but even the cats are really hard work and causing issues. If you think taking care of cats is hard, you are nowhere near ready to take care of a child. Taking care of a cat is an absolute piece of cake by comparison lol If you think cats cause stress in your relationship, it would be way harder if you had a child. So to me it sounds like you're just really not on that page at all with your girlfriend.

[redswim30]

23 hours ago, Simplygrey said:

 

 

I have moved city

Take some responsibility for pets that i didn't ask for

Pay towards her debts so we could move out quicker

Set my own feelings aside while living with her mum (she has some very harsh views on things not liberal)

Our children would be Christian and although I'm not against religion it wouldn't be a choice of mine being as I'm not religious but she is.

 

When i look at things she has compromised i struggle to think of any 

 I hope you understand that the bolded statement is a HUGE issue and red flag. 

A healthy relationship is NEVER one person making all the compromises while the other unilaterally makes all the decisions.  That is not healthy or sustainable.  BOTH people need to have a say in things.  

Despite what pop culture says, breakups aren't always about hating someone.  Sometimes it's just time to move on.  We can have positive memories with someone and still feel like it is time to move forward. 

It really sounds like you have outgrown this relationship and are wanting some agency and self- possession back in your life. 

I understand not wanting to hurt someone by breaking up with them.  However, staying in an unhealthy relationship that you know is unhealthy and growing to resent them IS ALSO hurting them, just indirectly. 

Honesty is the best policy. 

If you want to try and make another go of it- I'd suggest- saying you still want to date her, but you need to take a step back and move out of her mother's house.  Tell her the truth- you feel like it has only been YOU making compromises and you need to have some say in your own life. 

OR you say all the same things with the added- I am grateful for the time we've had together, but I really feel like it is time for me to move on. 

It is NEVER a good idea to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's comfort. 

[Simplygrey]

1 hour ago, redswim30 said:

 I hope you understand that the bolded statement is a HUGE issue and red flag. 

A healthy relationship is NEVER one person making all the compromises while the other unilaterally makes all the decisions.  That is not healthy or sustainable.  BOTH people need to have a say in things.  

Despite what pop culture says, breakups aren't always about hating someone.  Sometimes it's just time to move on.  We can have positive memories with someone and still feel like it is time to move forward. 

It really sounds like you have outgrown this relationship and are wanting some agency and self- possession back in your life. 

I understand not wanting to hurt someone by breaking up with them.  However, staying in an unhealthy relationship that you know is unhealthy and growing to resent them IS ALSO hurting them, just indirectly. 

Honesty is the best policy. 

If you want to try and make another go of it- I'd suggest- saying you still want to date her, but you need to take a step back and move out of her mother's house.  Tell her the truth- you feel like it has only been YOU making compromises and you need to have some say in your own life. 

OR you say all the same things with the added- I am grateful for the time we've had together, but I really feel like it is time for me to move on. 

It is NEVER a good idea to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's comfort. 

Thank you for reply i really do appreciate it. I have explained that i feel like I'm the only one who compromises but she didn't really have any answer to say anything she just kinda sat in silence. I feel like if i was to move out that would in turn mean giving up the relationship so its not really a thing of moving out and keep the relationship going its a thing of she would break up if i was to move out which is why i feel like i need to make the decision to move and break up or stay and in early next year we can look for our own place... but again not sure if her living habits and allowing the cats to damage things will make me feel like i should have broke up anayway 

[Simplygrey]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think you're probably just really incompatible. I'm assuming because she bought three cats that she's a huge cat person. I mean, three is a lot lol And you're clearly not a cat person. I mean, if you liked cats you wouldn't be so upset that she got the cats. It might not seem like a big deal if you don't match on that but as you can see, it's a big deal to YOU. And that's actually fine. Some people don't like pets at all and wouldn't date people who have pets. As they say, to each their own.

Also I'm not sure what point you were trying to make by saying if you had kids together but even the cats are really hard work and causing issues. If you think taking care of cats is hard, you are nowhere near ready to take care of a child. Taking care of a cat is an absolute piece of cake by comparison lol If you think cats cause stress in your relationship, it would be way harder if you had a child. So to me it sounds like you're just really not on that page at all with your girlfriend.

What i mean by looking after kids i feel like i could handle this but add in 3 house cats, constantly cleaning a litter box every time they go in, cleaning the cats being as i said before they aren't healthy cats and they come out of the little box in a mess... i don't mind pets but they aren't a huge deal to me before saving for a place to live, saving towards starting a family etc.

[catfeeder]

You don’t need to break up to get out of that house. Move to your own place, tell her that’s not negotiable, and it’s up to her whether she wants to date you or not. Her debts and cats are her own to manage, and that’s your answer to why you can afford to live elsewhere without her. If she’s able to manage those things without bringing them to your door, then she’s welcome to move in with you.

Then let the chips fall, and it’s no longer your problem.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think you're probably just really incompatible. I'm assuming because she bought three cats that she's a huge cat person. I mean, three is a lot lol And you're clearly not a cat person. I mean, if you liked cats you wouldn't be so upset that she got the cats. It might not seem like a big deal if you don't match on that but as you can see, it's a big deal to YOU. And that's actually fine. Some people don't like pets at all and wouldn't date people who have pets. As they say, to each their own.

Also I'm not sure what point you were trying to make by saying if you had kids together but even the cats are really hard work and causing issues. If you think taking care of cats is hard, you are nowhere near ready to take care of a child. Taking care of a cat is an absolute piece of cake by comparison lol If you think cats cause stress in your relationship, it would be way harder if you had a child. So to me it sounds like you're just really not on that page at all with your girlfriend.

I thought he meant that it wouldn't be safe for a child -with all the hoarding plus litter boxes that seem not kept up etc. I know plenty of families with kids, cats and dogs but it's kept safe for all.

[redswim30]

18 minutes ago, Simplygrey said:

Thank you for reply i really do appreciate it. I have explained that i feel like I'm the only one who compromises but she didn't really have any answer to say anything she just kinda sat in silence. I feel like if i was to move out that would in turn mean giving up the relationship so its not really a thing of moving out and keep the relationship going its a thing of she would break up if i was to move out which is why i feel like i need to make the decision to move and break up or stay and in early next year we can look for our own place... but again not sure if her living habits and allowing the cats to damage things will make me feel like i should have broke up anayway 

Yikes.   That is at BEST an incredibly immature response and at worst, shows a complete lack of care and respect for you.  No offense intended, but your GF isn't ready for an adult relationship, she just wants someone to follow orders.  

You need to move out.  If that means a break up to her, then that's what it means.  This relationship is beyond unhealthy for you (her too, even if she doesn't realize it), and should not continue with you under her thumb.   Often times people can like or even love each other, but if you can't live together harmoniously without one of you needing to sacrifice all personal agency, then you are not compatible. 

This relationship has run its course.  Pack your bags. 

[AuthenticSelf]

Let me ask you some questions, I believe you have the answer in you

 

1. What exactly do you need to know that it is the right decision to break up?

2. What conditions have to be meet before you break up?

3. Why breaking up with her important to you?

4. How would your life be different if you break up?

 

 

Here is the thing, you may still love her. Or, you have someone else. Or, you are not happy. 

Everyone has issues, it is just about what issues you are happy to live with. 

[MissCanuck]

OP, she is clearly a copy of her mom. 

Could you imagine living with her mom forever? That's essentially what you'd be signing up for here. That's your future, because your girlfriend is just like Mom. 

[Tinydance]

Can I just point something out though? It sounds like the things that OP is most upset about are the cats and that his girlfriend and her mother are Christian. While he doesn't like cats and he's not Christian. The girlfriend isn't willing to compromise but how can someone really compromise on something like being a cat lover and their religion? These aren't things that people can compromise on in most cases because it's their beliefs, values and lifestyle. Someone who's religious would feel exactly the same as someone atheist to be made to do something they don't want to do if the atheist was being forced to follow that religion. 

I see compromise as for example getting only one cat instead of three. But if someone is a cat lover how do you expect them to just forget they love cats? OP made the choice to be with someone who was already like this so this is what you get. I mean sorry but you're expecting her to completely change and give up her cats and religion. This is why people don't usually date people incompatible to them because their beliefs and ideas clash.

[Simplygrey]

20 hours ago, AuthenticSelf said:

Let me ask you some questions, I believe you have the answer in you

 

1. What exactly do you need to know that it is the right decision to break up?

2. What conditions have to be meet before you break up?

3. Why breaking up with her important to you?

4. How would your life be different if you break up?

 

 

Here is the thing, you may still love her. Or, you have someone else. Or, you are not happy. 

Everyone has issues, it is just about what issues you are happy to live with. 

Thats true and I've gone through this many times for a long time about if I'm willing to set my feelings aside and deal with pets and everything that comes with them and I've still not decided if its worth it for me...

[Simplygrey]

17 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Can I just point something out though? It sounds like the things that OP is most upset about are the cats and that his girlfriend and her mother are Christian. While he doesn't like cats and he's not Christian. The girlfriend isn't willing to compromise but how can someone really compromise on something like being a cat lover and their religion? These aren't things that people can compromise on in most cases because it's their beliefs, values and lifestyle. Someone who's religious would feel exactly the same as someone atheist to be made to do something they don't want to do if the atheist was being forced to follow that religion. 

I see compromise as for example getting only one cat instead of three. But if someone is a cat lover how do you expect them to just forget they love cats? OP made the choice to be with someone who was already like this so this is what you get. I mean sorry but you're expecting her to completely change and give up her cats and religion. This is why people don't usually date people incompatible to them because their beliefs and ideas clash.

Okay just answer some of your points here... 

 

1) i am not against cats or religion. If you are supposed to save for a place together but then instead of saving you go and but 3 cats 2 if which was over £1,000 each... you now have to buy pet food and cat litter of nearly £200 per month this is going to be a big change in finances... everyone knows the first few years of getting your place together is a struggle so add in and extra minimum if £200 plus time and knowing you need to arrange care if you want to go away etc... isn't this jeopardising a future? Isn't this making life harder for both in the relationship? I saved over 20k several years ago where as she has saved nothing... regarding religion i was pointing out though things i am willing to compromise on that i could be a flat out no to my children being religious but i am accepting of the idea and dont have any problems with it but this is something that ticks her lifestyle...

 

So no I'm not against pets, cats, religion etc but making life hard for us to move out and expecting someone to take responsibility of living beings when they wasn't asked etc i have issues with hence my post