Simplygrey Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked. I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 You have outgrown this relationship and need a place of your own. Living in someone else’s home is impossible because you can’t define any rules. If the resentment is this bad it is time to break up. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 I don't know how to go about breaking up. When i think about it all the memories of the last 6 years come flooding back to me all the nice times, when she has taken care of me... i have no idea how to say i want to leave... i have in the past got myself a room paid for a couple of months then i backed out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 I dont think you have a say in cats thing. Since, you know, you live in her mothers home. She could consult you, but its ultimately her family decision. Other than that, you do have a choice regarding living with somebody like that and going away from them. For example, unless you took the credit to help her with the debt, you have no obligations toward her debt if you decide to go your own way. So it would be easier in that way. Might be bad for her but ultimately, not your problem. Maybe harsh, but its like that. Somebody who got you into financial dire and forced you to live with her family, isnt really a good choice for a partner. And its best for you to go your own way. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 I feel that being as eventually we would be moving out i should have been asked being as they are a huge commitment when we have talked about having children etc this is made much more difficult when you add 3 pets in the mix which have turned out to be not healthy and have issues regularly they are alot of of work... i don't know how to get past the thought of saying i want to leave... she has been a huge part of my life for the past 6 years being as i move city to get love here i have almost spent all my spare time with her.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 A relationship is not supposed to drag you down. You don't need a lot of complex therapy and reasons to break up. Simplify it: - You are not happy anymore. - It's not what you signed up for. - It's time to let go. 8 minutes ago, Simplygrey said: i don't know how to get past the thought of saying i want to leave... she has been a huge part of my life for the past 6 years being as i move city to get love here i have almost spent all my spare time with her.. Well, you can join hobbies, social groups, and so forth. You won't be alone. It'll be a new chapter of life that you'll adjust to. Before you know it you'll be debt free and hanging out with new people. I know what it's like to be a stranger in a city, and usually you are not alone. It's a leap you take and make the best of. Life is just starting out for you. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said: A relationship is not supposed to drag you down. You need don't need a lot of complex therapy and reasons to break up. Simplify it: - You are not happy anymore. - It's not what you signed up for. - It's time to let go. Well, you can join hobbies, social groups, and so forth. You won't be alone. It'll be a new chapter of life that you'll adjust to. Before you know it you'll be debt free and hanging out with new people. I know what it's like to be a stranger in a city, and usually you are not alone. It's a leap you take and make the best of. Life is just starting out for you. Aww thanks so much! If i was to say i wasn't happy anymore and she is to ask me why shes given me everything... i just don't know what to say... i hate hurting people and even though i know I'm not responsible for others feelings i am a people pleaser and always have been i know i need to get this habit out but I'm still struggling with putting myself first Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 6 minutes ago, Simplygrey said: i hate hurting people Well, break ups are part of life. Just like flowers blossom, bloom and wither. Joy and pain are part of life. No guilt to feel here. Plus, you'll be hurting too at the beginning. It's normal. 6 minutes ago, Simplygrey said: i am a people pleaser and always have been i know i need to get this habit out but I'm still struggling with putting myself first Well, maybe this is the time you'll muster up some courage to actually put yourself first. You are worthy of a loving and satisfying relationship. And you are responsible of ensuring you find that for yourself. By staying with someone with whom your heart is not in anymore, you hurt them even more. Better cut it off early and bow out while you think highly of each other rather than drag this on and grow more and more resentments and sadness/anger. You've got this. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Well, break ups are part of life. Just like flowers blossom, bloom and wither. Joy and pain are part of life. No guilt to feel here. Plus, you'll be hurting too at the beginning. It's normal. Well, maybe this is the time you'll muster up some courage to actually put yourself first. You are worthy of a loving and satisfying relationship. And you are responsible of ensuring you find that for yourself. By staying with someone with whom your heart is not in anymore, you hurt them even more. Better cut it off early and bow out while you think highly of each other rather than drag this on and grow more and more resentments and sadness/anger. You've got this. Yeah i keep getting told that this happens all the time its not such a big deal to break up with someone. As myself never having had a relationship before and then this one being a long term one i keep thinking i should do more or I'm being unfair to her that i should give her what she wants but then i list the comprises i have made currently and would in the future and its so many more than she has to compromise... I have moved city Take some responsibility for pets that i didn't ask for Pay towards her debts so we could move out quicker Set my own feelings aside while living with her mum (she has some very harsh views on things not liberal) Our children would be Christian and although I'm not against religion it wouldn't be a choice of mine being as I'm not religious but she is. When i look at things she has compromised i struggle to think of any Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 9 minutes ago, Simplygrey said: As myself never having had a relationship before and then this one being a long term one i keep thinking i should do more or I'm being unfair to her I struggled too because I was in a similar situation. I kept finding reasons and excuses not to break up partially because it was my first break up and partially because of my guilty low self esteem. But you have it all laid out. You have the answer: 9 minutes ago, Simplygrey said: have moved city Take some responsibility for pets that i didn't ask for Pay towards her debts so we could move out quicker Set my own feelings aside while living with her mum (she has some very harsh views on things not liberal) Our children would be Christian and although I'm not against religion it wouldn't be a choice of mine being as I'm not religious but she is. When i look at things she has compromised i struggle to think of any You have not caused this on your own. You just turned out to be incompatible and you didn't stand up for yourself and say no to things you didn't agree on. You were too kind in offering to pay her debt. She is not responsible with money and won't share decision making with you. It takes two hands to clap. But it takes only one to end the relationship. You know it's not what you want anymore. So now, you need to look after yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: I struggled too because I was in a similar situation. I kept finding reasons and excuses not to break up partially because it was my first break up and partially because of my guilty low self esteem. But you have it all laid out. You have the answer: You have not caused this on your own. You just turned out to be incompatible and you didn't stand up for yourself and say no to things you didn't agree on. You were too kind in offering to pay her debt. She is not responsible with money and won't share decision making with you. It takes two hands to clap. But it takes only one to end the relationship. You know it's not what you want anymore. So now, you need to look after yourself. Thank you so much! Its so helpful having someone who's been through this before. Its so hard to think that i should be doing this... i still feel in my heart that she's not done anything wrong 😪 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 29 minutes ago, Simplygrey said: .. i still feel in my heart that she's not done anything wrong 😪 That's okay. Your heart can feel that. But part of being an adult is learning to use your heart and brain when making decisions and realizing when the more logical things trump the emotional ones. Facts weigh heavier than feelings. You can love her, yet break up because you know it's not the relationship you signed up for. Most break ups are like this. You have feelings, but you realize there's a moment where it's not enough/justifiable anymore. Take your time. You'll get to it on your own time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 OK first off, how much communication have you put into this situation. Like about the debt. Why didn't you set her up with a financial advisor or a debt repayment company to help her do this on her own? About the cats...why didn't you lay down the law when she showed up with the cats...like it's me or the cats, etc. You didn't put your foot down, you didn't give her any ultimatums on any of this did you? So now your solution is to come to strangers to muster up the courage to walk away. I get it, she's a major player with these issues, BUT you contributed to it by letting it get this bad for 3 years. That's a long time. So what has really prevented you from dealing with this? And is there somewhere you would really like to find resolution? I sense a lot of hesitance. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 I'm afraid I'm making the wrong decisions though i don't trust myself to make the right decision for me and then down the line I'm going to miss her terribly and never get over her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 The reason for my post is, maybe try a resolution, and or give you that feeling you did the right thing. You need to change YOU before you can change her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 Just now, smackie9 said: OK first off, how much communication have you put into this situation. Like about the debt. Why didn't you set her up with a financial advisor or a debt repayment company to help her do this on her own? About the cats...why didn't you lay down the law when she showed up with the cats...like it's me or the cats, etc. You didn't put your foot down, you didn't give her any ultimatums on any of this did you? So now your solution is to come to strangers to muster up the courage to walk away. I get it, she's a major player with these issues, BUT you contributed to it by letting it get this bad for 3 years. That's a long time. So what has really prevented you from dealing with this? And is there somewhere you would really like to find resolution? I sense a lot of hesitance. Oh definitely i know i am to blame too for not setting boundaries as i say earlier i am a people pleaser and thought at the time i guess i didn't have a choice or didn't have the courage to stand up for myself i 100%agree... i have tried to let the feeling ride out and that didn't work, i have spoke to her about how i feel about these things quite a few times and she has always said "well come to terms or leave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 3 minutes ago, Simplygrey said: Oh definitely i know i am to blame too for not setting boundaries as i say earlier i am a people pleaser and thought at the time i guess i didn't have a choice or didn't have the courage to stand up for myself i 100%agree... i have tried to let the feeling ride out and that didn't work, i have spoke to her about how i feel about these things quite a few times and she has always said "well come to terms or leave Why didn't you take her up on that? Words are words and it's easy to just say things like that without really meaning it...just bring that up to her...and say you are choosing to leave now...see what reaction you get out of that. Sometimes showing you are serious, and are not backing down, could change her attitude. Show her the new you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 I feel now if you finally stand up to her, and stick with your threat and start packing up and leaving....just to keep going and separate for awhile. Give her some time to think about the bs she's gotten herself into. Kinda of a wake up call. Now if she is saying she wants to change...make her prove it. Be in charge, set boundaries, expectations, and tell her she needs to start following through. Kinda hitting the reset button. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 Okay so i did say after another issue with my girlfriend mums attitudes that i was going to find a room in a share and she said "i don't understand why you have to money to move without me but not with me..." she's basically demanded that i propose before we get a place together to so explained i saved some money and she was mad that if i had saved money why was i punishing her by not helping her pay her debts when shes apologised and said she won't do it again... i just feel like the cats are here to stay and as i said above i have and will compromise more of myself than she will have to therfore i feel resentful about this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I feel now if you finally stand up to her, and stick with your threat and start packing up and leaving....just to keep going and separate for awhile. Give her some time to think about the bs she's gotten herself into. Kinda of a wake up call. Now if she is saying she wants to change...make her prove it. Be in charge, set boundaries, expectations, and tell her she needs to start following through. Kinda hitting the reset button. When i have suggested moving out she just gets mad and annoyed at me by saying "if you want to break up just do it i don't know what more i can do but apologise for my faults but now work with me on solving them..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 I am an early riser so every morning its my job to feed the cats, clean the litterbox etc and i feel in my head "why should i be doing this?" Her and her mum have a really bad hoarding habit where they have things piled high and save everything... this annoys me to no end and also i feel again "is this going to be how our place is kept" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 2 minutes ago, Simplygrey said: When i have suggested moving out she just gets mad and annoyed at me by saying "if you want to break up just do it i don't know what more i can do but apologise for my faults but now work with me on solving them..." Just now, Simplygrey said: I am an early riser so every morning its my job to feed the cats, clean the litterbox etc and i feel in my head "why should i be doing this?" Her and her mum have a really bad hoarding habit where they have things piled high and save everything... this annoys me to no end and also i feel again "is this going to be how our place is kept" OK you got me at the hording habit....sir that's OCD mental disorder. It is something that is inherited, and gets worse over time, and can get out of control when triggered from a tragic event. Now I see why she is in debt and the apprehensive attitude she has. Without treatment with a mental health professional...there is no fixing this. I would run for the hills. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 Just now, smackie9 said: OK you got me at the hording habit....sir that's OCD mental disorder. It is something that is inherited, and gets worse over time, and can get out of control when triggered from a tragic event. Now I see why she is in debt and the apprehensive attitude she has. Without treatment with a mental health professional...there is no fixing this. I would run for the hills. When i say hoarding i mean bags of clothes cluttering area up, never wanting to throw things away... amazon parcels come for her and her mum daily... every cupboard is full... it drives me crazy when i keep having to say why is this left out? Put this back... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 1 minute ago, Simplygrey said: When i say hoarding i mean bags of clothes cluttering area up, never wanting to throw things away... amazon parcels come for her and her mum daily... every cupboard is full... it drives me crazy when i keep having to say why is this left out? Put this back... Don't be down playing this. This is just the beginning. Untreated it will evolve over time. Say 10 years from now with kids...it's going to be bad, and she is going to pass this onto the kids. I work in the disaster cleanup industry for over 30 years, and I have seen it on all levels. This is not good, and yes you need to get out now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplygrey Posted August 11 Author Share Posted August 11 I'm not downplaying just explaining... I'm afraid there wont be any room for children, cat beds, where the cats going to go when we work etc... i have asked these questions and get a answer of people have pets and work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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