How to tell a friend she talks too much about herself.

[comfortablycumfy]

So I'm not her therapist just to clear that up haha. She never needs advice other than how do I pay this, what does this letter mean, do you think this a good deal....will this plant do well in my garden...that kind of thing.

[comfortablycumfy]

I see that all you guys get me. All your options register. I need to have the chat, without a doubt. Thank you.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, comfortablycumfy said:

I see that all you guys get me. All your options register. I need to have the chat, without a doubt. Thank you.

Your heart sure is in the right place.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, comfortablycumfy said:

I see that all you guys get me. All your options register. I need to have the chat, without a doubt. Thank you.

It's a tough spot. You don't want to hurt her, but you can't continue if it's hurting you. Whatever you do, I'm sure you'll be respectful and considerate to her feelings. Hope things go well. 

[Dear Intuition]

You want to help her, but you’re frustrated that her newfound communication style is the outcome. But it’s not, it’s a message. 

The cure is to hear her. Not to her words, but to the message she brings to the conversation. She wants to be heard. So hear her and allow her to hear herself. What is she saying that you can mirror back in conversation, with the idea that when she feels heard, and then hears herself back, she may come to an understanding of what she sounds like? 

While this can support her, you don’t need to be in the company of someone who has an imbalance of emotions and grabs the attention of whomever she can get to help satisfy her urgency to be heard. It’s helpful to show her, and tell her how you feel ( if you are comfortable with that). And then, when all else fails with someone who won’t see the imbalance right away, you have the option to take space for yourself. I intuited this message for you. I hope it helps.

[Cherylyn]

I know several people reminiscent of your friend.  My mother-in-law (MIL),  for example. 🙄 You can't change people.  Some people such as your friend will monopolize every conversation and they never come up for air!  You can't get a word in edgewise.  What do I do?  I eventually walk away.  I don't have to hear it.  I've noticed my husband,  sons and I avoid MIL due to this reason.  People like your friend are not a joy to be around.  People who are conversation hogs tend to be narcissists and they're a child stuck in an adult's body.  They mentally never grew up.  They lack emotional intelligence.  All they think and talk about are themselves.  You can't teach an old dog new tricks.  Just avoid people like these.  If they end up lonely and alone,  oh well.  They did it to themselves. 

[SunDragon]

I can attest to the validity of spending a lifetime of being controlled and then gaining your “freedom” at an older age. Though my circumstantial control wasn’t through marriage it still created the same “lack” in my social skills. When you finally get to speak you talk excessively about yourself, interrupt people, think that your point needs to be pushed out, etc…. You don’t think you’re seen & when someone points out that they “see your damage”, cause you’re trying so hard, it hits hard. Learning to be socially adept is a skill. One that not everyone gets to take for granted & takes time. Controlled people don’t know their worth. Believing it is tied to someone or something other than themselves. So my advice; if you truly like this “friend”, be direct while still being a friend. Be patient while she’s figuring it out. Let her learn her own individualistic worth by not abandoning her friendship. Taking breaks from the friendship can also be helpful. Guaranteed in that time she’s digesting & processing. But always come back & you will watch a woman bloom. 
Beyond grateful for the friends, (all that I met in my 40’s), in my life that stuck it out & always came back even when I was the one that had to take the breaks. 

[Cherylyn]

I've noticed that people who monopolize conversations don't have friends.  Sure,  they can talk up a good game at a party or social gathering but people's eyes glaze over,  they grow bored and narcissists don't have real friends.  Why?  Because people grow sick 'n tired of those who never come up for air.  🙄  Incessant talkers are to be avoided like the plague. 

[ShySoul]

11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I've noticed that people who monopolize conversations don't have friends.  Sure,  they can talk up a good game at a party or social gathering but people's eyes glaze over,  they grow bored and narcissists don't have real friends.  Why?  Because people grow sick 'n tired of those who never come up for air.  🙄  Incessant talkers are to be avoided like the plague. 

Friends at least try to make it 50/50. When it's 90/10, few people want to be the 10. 

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Friends at least try to make it 50/50. When it's 90/10, few people want to be the 10. 

Monopolizing conversations and never coming up for air is a good way to alienate others quickly.  People tend to avoid being with selfish,  narcissistic types.  I agree with you @ShySoul.

[Cherylyn]

On 8/31/2024 at 4:53 AM, SunDragon said:

I can attest to the validity of spending a lifetime of being controlled and then gaining your “freedom” at an older age. Though my circumstantial control wasn’t through marriage it still created the same “lack” in my social skills. When you finally get to speak you talk excessively about yourself, interrupt people, think that your point needs to be pushed out, etc…. You don’t think you’re seen & when someone points out that they “see your damage”, cause you’re trying so hard, it hits hard. Learning to be socially adept is a skill. One that not everyone gets to take for granted & takes time. Controlled people don’t know their worth. Believing it is tied to someone or something other than themselves. So my advice; if you truly like this “friend”, be direct while still being a friend. Be patient while she’s figuring it out. Let her learn her own individualistic worth by not abandoning her friendship. Taking breaks from the friendship can also be helpful. Guaranteed in that time she’s digesting & processing. But always come back & you will watch a woman bloom. 
Beyond grateful for the friends, (all that I met in my 40’s), in my life that stuck it out & always came back even when I was the one that had to take the breaks. 

An intelligent person learns from feedback or criticisms.  Therefore,  change for the better takes place.  👍

Then there are narcissists who will never change because "they don't get it"  nor will they ever.  Should you point out their conversation monopoly,  interrupting others,  their inappropriate comments or whatever is very rude or obnoxious,  often times they become defensive and will engage in gaslighting which is very typical of them.  These types of scenarios are lose-lose situations.  These types of friendships are hopeless.  👎  They're nothing but a waste of your energy,  time,  labor and money. 

Taking breaks from friends is good but sometimes a break is only temporary only for them to revert to their repeating old,  irritating,  unacceptable,  intolerable habits all over again.  😒  Some people improve whereas some friends should be relegated to the permanent break category.  ☹️

[SunDragon]

Cherylyn; I wanted to reject your statement because I could have easily been relegated to the “throw-away category by everyone I encountered. Then I thought of my sisters’; my middle sister called me crying because she had discovered that she fit all the characteristics of a “narcissist”. It was heartbreaking. I listened to her but I knew whatever advice I could give her would just be words unless she allowed herself to hear them & heal. She has been to many therapists. Healing when you’ve gone through a lot of trauma can be soul crushing itself. You get to recognize all the ways you’re damaged, “not normal” and how many rites of passage were stolen from you. So then you get to learn to let go of not only all that but the anger, resentment & so much more.  All the while feeling like you “don’t fit in” anywhere and desperately wanting to. You have to consciously choose happiness. My sister is very hard to take & the current break we’re on is most likely a permanent one.
Then there’s my eldest sister; whom I love & who protected me a lot. I drove her to the homeless shelter after begging her to get help for the issues that she was struggling with & her refusing to do so. She was living with me & I couldn’t take it anymore, asking her when is it our chance to have a good life?…. So I would be a hypocrite if I told anyone to stick it out with friends who need a little extra effort. 
What I can say, as before; stick it out if you feel they are worth it & if it doesn’t drain you.
My sisters are worth it. Even the one I don’t speak to. I’m just waiting for them to recognize their worth, (if ever), & know I will always be there to support them as they do the work. And in all of this I will always set healthy boundaries for my own hard won well-being.

[Cherylyn]

@SunDragon I want to reject your statement, too.  I have siblings (and in-laws) as well and not everyone is emotionally intelligent enough to grasp that they're the one who needs to change otherwise the relationship continues to flounder. 

In an ideal and optimal world,  people will comprehend the meaning of being selfless and transform from narcissist to an empathetic person but alas,  it isn't always so.  ☹️

Yes,  by all means,  go ahead and attempt to extract improvement from a narcissist at your own risk.   I'm sure in the best case scenarios,  there are 'happily ever after' stories out there to be sure.  However,  be prepared for some people such as the ones in my midst to give you push back,  excuses galore,  gaslighting,  backlash,  defensiveness and denial should you broach the subject.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.  🙄 

I've already taken your gentler approach,  having a talk,  being nice about it and having high hopes that they'll actually behave normally yet history always repeated itself ad nauseam.  😠  A lot of times feeling resigned and having radical acceptance regarding "no change" is a tremendous relief because it's time for a serious reality check.  It only strengthens my resolve all the more knowing my strict,  enforced boundaries will always be successful.  I've since learned to protect myself as opposed to having great expectations and false hopes with disastrous results which end up as efforts in futility. 

Am I peaceful?  Yes.  Do I tolerate?  Depends.  Most likely in very small doses and we decline getting together a lot.  Socializing decreased because I do have my limits.  It's easier and more convenient to disengage. 

As for people who talk too much about themselves,  they're boring and my mind starts to wander. 🤨 I actually look forward to leaving quickly.  If they're unavoidable,  encounters with them are extremely brief and if I can afford estrangement,  then so be it. 

Yes,  some people drain me.  In the past,  I had the patience of a saint.  Not anymore.  😒

[ShySoul]

Think there is a middle ground between loving a person and holding onto hope, while still loving and respecting yourself enough to not put yourself in situations that are more damaging for you. 

Every person's line for what they can handle is different. Some people have a higher tolerance level. And it varies depending on how close your relationship is and how much effort they are willing to make.

Love the sinner, hate the sin. Be there if they really need you and can show they make some kind of effort. But never put yourself in a position to be harmed by their actions.

[Tinydance]

I was actually thinking something different. Had you ever met her husband? Did he just die recently when you met this friend? You actually hadn't known this friend all that long. 18 months isn't super long and especially if you're over 50. At this age some people have friends they've known like 30 years. So in the grand scheme of things, she's a very new friend.

What I'm getting at is maybe this super talkative person who dominates conversations is the real her. Maybe she was just really depressed and grieving because her husband had just died. So she was more quiet because she was so sad, which is normal. And as she's gone through the grieving process, she's now becoming her real self again. 

You could mention to her that she's talking too much and see how she responds. What I don't understand though is for some reason you feel like you HAVE to be friends with her? You actually don't. Friendship isn't charity so if you realised you actually don't like her then you don't need to be friends with her just out of pity.

Actually there are some select people who are quiet and they enjoy being around a super talkative person. My best friend is shy and quiet and she doesn't click with other quiet people. She loves outgoing and talkative people and I'm exactly like that. It seems to me you prefer a quieter person. You liked this friend when she was "timid" but now you don't. If this is her real personality then she can't actually change her personality. So you have to either accept her as she is or don't be friends.