How to tell a friend she talks too much about herself.

[comfortablycumfy]

Just now, Seraphim said:

My mom lives with me now and I have a mother in law who is 90 but other than that we don’t have any other elders either . We are late 50’s. 

Late 50s here. Just me and my Brother.

[ShySoul]

18 minutes ago, comfortablycumfy said:

She is 73 and I am 56. So in the beginning it wasn't an issue...but over the last months my other friends are commenting....like how do you cope bla bla. She is still very sensitive. The truth is I'm not coping and I'm starting to dread spending time together. That's why I reaching out.

My mother is 79 and can be similar. At that age it can be difficult for people to take direction. It has also driven several people away from her.

You seem to care about her, which is nice. You are a good person. Do what you can for her. Help her if you want to. But also know that it's okay if it's too much for you. You have to also watch out for yourself and be okay with things. You can't always be monitoring conversations and helping her through them. At some point, she needs to be able to learn these things on her own, learn to read the room.

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Don't change her but perhaps find more ways to ask of her listening sidę? Ask her advice on your dilemmas.

Seconded.

Try to draw the conversation to things that are neutral or topics that she wouldn't be able to dominate as much. She's had practice in being able to talk, now give her practice in being able to listen.

[SooSad33]

Maybe react to her nicely about it, when she is doing it.. like 'Shhhh *smile*, I am not done my story yet'.

She may not be aware of her doings.

IF this is just how she is .. she won't change.  Option for YOU to distance yourself a little...

[comfortablycumfy]

I will try my best to guide her into how things work socially for the better. I just needed a little back up. Thank you guys so much. 

[comfortablycumfy]

Just now, SooSad33 said:

Maybe react to her nicely about it, when she is doing it.. like 'Shhhh *smile*, I am not done my story yet'.

She may not be aware of her doings.

IF this is just how she is .. she won't change.  Option for YOU to distance yourself a little...

Strangely I do tap her gently...when she over speaks or says something out of context...it registers in the moment but she is a bit of a repeat offender haha.

[comfortablycumfy]

Just now, comfortablycumfy said:

Strangely I do tap her gently...when she over speaks or says something out of context...it registers in the moment but she is a bit of a repeat offender haha.

Maybe it's how she is....

 

[yogacat]

5 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Seconded.

Try to draw the conversation to things that are neutral or topics that she wouldn't be able to dominate as much. She's had practice in being able to talk, now give her practice in being able to listen.

Yes, it can be frustrating being on the receiving end. I mean, her age and her circumstances. You can be compassionate but "not coping and starting to dread spending time together" doesn't sound enjoyable for you.

Sometimes my friends will get carried away in conversation and I'll dip in and out and interject at opportune times or when I notice I'm shortening my contributions.

[catfeeder]

Before I'd have a talk, I'd try out a popular child psychology technique. I would compliment her with how happy I am that we've become friends. When I think back to the time we met, I was so impressed with what a great listener she is. I would love it if more of our friends could experience that special skill she has.

I'd leave it there with the compliment and learn over time whether she opts to demonstrate better listening. 

I'd rinse and repeat saying similar things to see if she responds favorably.

[comfortablycumfy]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

Yes, it can be frustrating being on the receiving end. I mean, her age and her circumstances. You can be compassionate but "not coping and starting to dread spending time together" doesn't sound enjoyable for you.

Sometimes my friends will get carried away in conversation and I'll dip in and out and interject at opportune times or when I notice I'm shortening my contributions.

We now spend a lot of time in the same circle and I find myself engaging in conversations with others, rather than sitting with her. I feel guilty about that.

[comfortablycumfy]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Before I'd have a talk, I'd try out a popular child psychology technique. I would compliment her with how happy I am that we've become friends. When I think back to the time we met, I was so impressed with what a great listener she is. I would love it if more of our friends could experience that special skill she has.

I'd leave it there with the compliment and learn over time whether she opts to demonstrate better listening. 

I'd rinse and repeat saying similar things to see if she responds favorably.

Thank you for that suggestion.

 

[Batya33]

I am in my late 50s.  I have a friend who tends this way -I say tends because it can go on for long stretches of time when her life is chaotic -and it has been -she also lost the father of her child a few months before the pandemic (I say father -they were a committed couple, then estranged but living together still then he died suddenly).  We met 12 years ago.  But -I like a lot about her.  Also if I do have a specific thing going on with me she will listen and she loves to give unsolicited advice (I do not) -I say this with -love and a bit of a wink because I cut her slack - I see that this penchant of hers is partly cultural and -she really does mean well and she actually does give good input and advice!

What I do though is boundaries -she will call at bad  times for me so unless it's a real emergency I call her back when I have the time.  

Also -she goes the extra mile for me and my family -so many times - hand me downs from her son to mine - insisting on driving me -once a mile because it was negative 5 degrees, I was solo parenting and my son had pre-k and this momma needed a break!! So she drove us  to the school so we wouldn't freeze.  She says her home is open to my son since his school is near her house but not ours if he ever needs a place to go to to wait for us- I mean on and on.  What I am saying is -I balance all this.  I've also gone the extra mile for her including today.

And also I don't let myself get too far gone with annoyance/irritation.  Sometimes I do just jump in with my own thing - and sometimes -it works.  

So if this new friend has other good qualities like a big heart or means well -I'd -at least factor that in.

I tend to talk too much about myself with my older sister.  We don't get to talk often and I want to tell her everything -sometimes she will say -ok ok it's my turn now -but -we're sisters so I think it's easier for her  to say this.  And - I've made a HUGE effort over the last couple of years not to do this to her.  I literally make myself silent -I shut up and don't let myself even interject "uh huh" and I just -listen.  And I ask follow up -but I love her to pieces and I want to know how she's doing -I just am like wow I get to talk to her I have so much to tell her about me.  If your friend cares about you and also wants to change she will take your input to heart like I took my sister's input to heart.  

I'm glad you posted because this sounds like maybe it can develop into a nice friendship with some tweaking.  It's hard to make new friends at our age!!

[Starlight925]

Unfortunately, this is just who she is.

Who she is, is a person who dominates conversations with self-focused stories about herself.

No amount of tapping, gentle sayings, etc., are probably going to work with her.

We see it in society everywhere:  People ask a simple question, only so they can answer it themselves, often in one long, run-on, hour-long sentence.

What I've learned from these types is that, for me, I simply don't gain anything from the friendship, so I back away.  

But you do you.  Either you realize that she will just blather on about herself, no matter what you do, or you will move on and find new friends with whom you can have actual conversations.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Starlight925 said:

Unfortunately, this is just who she is.

Who she is, is a person who dominates conversations with self-focused stories about herself.

No amount of tapping, gentle sayings, etc., are probably going to work with her.

We see it in society everywhere:  People ask a simple question, only so they can answer it themselves, often in one long, run-on, hour-long sentence.

What I've learned from these types is that, for me, I simply don't gain anything from the friendship, so I back away.  

But you do you.  Either you realize that she will just blather on about herself, no matter what you do, or you will move on and find new friends with whom you can have actual conversations.

I think in this case it may be situational as Seraphim alluded to so it might be worth it.

[Starlight925]

Sorry, but I've been through some pretty rough stuff, and I still ask how my friends are doing, and I listen for their answers.

Situational or not, it's flat-out selfish to blather on and on without allowing the other person to speak.  To literally tap her, try and change the subject, only to have her go back, on and on about herself.

This friend is not engaging in conversations.  

She's talking AT, not WITH, this well-meaning OP.

OP is not this woman's therapist.  I had a friend who said she paid a therapist so she could have one hour, uninterrupted, to talk about herself.  That is what this woman needs.

Sounds like OP has tried all the tricks.  I remain in the camp of:  Live with it, or leave it.  Me?  I'd leave.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Who she is, is a person who dominates conversations with self-focused stories about herself.

^^ I know someone exactly like this (a casual acquaintance) and would LOVE to be super direct and say "would you please shut the * up already?  I know more about you than my best friend since grade school"!

But I'm far too polite so simply walk away when she start in with her "stories."  But yeah, someone else is sharing something and this person chimes in and suddenly it's all about her, her her...

I know she means well, contributing and sharing but it can be quite annoying.

What sad though is she has no idea how much she turns people off!

With a good friend, I would be direct in a kind gentle way.  Be sensitive to her feelings because it is somewhat of a touchy issue and you don't want to offend. 

However in your friend's case OP, at 73, perhaps it's best to simply grin and bear it if she's a good friend to you otherwise?

I dunno, it's a tough call!

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Sorry, but I've been through some pretty rough stuff, and I still ask how my friends are doing, and I listen for their answers.

Situational or not, it's flat-out selfish to blather on and on without allowing the other person to speak.  To literally tap her, try and change the subject, only to have her go back, on and on about herself.

This friend is not engaging in conversations.  

She's talking AT, not WITH, this well-meaning OP.

OP is not this woman's therapist.  I had a friend who said she paid a therapist so she could have one hour, uninterrupted, to talk about herself.  That is what this woman needs.

Sounds like OP has tried all the tricks.  I remain in the camp of:  Live with it, or leave it.  Me?  I'd leave.

I agree and I get it and I would feel the same. I think it's worth one more chance. I am like you and always.  My friend with late stage cancer who is relocating with her family to get treatment -and her parent has cancer (!) texted me today and told me the details but also asked about a specific anecdote I'd shared on her FB post.  It was amazing that she asked given all she is  going through. So yes I get it.  I don't see the harm in one more chance.

[Starlight925]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree and I get it and I would feel the same. I think it's worth one more chance.

I think it's very kind to think, ok, give one more chance.

So, @comfortablycumfy, give her another chance.  Tell her how you feel, kindly and softly.  Then stop and see if she lets a word in.

I drifted off from a friendship like this about 10 years ago.  I was going through one of the worst periods I had ever experienced, yet she would talk incessantly for one hour straight.  I'd look at my phone and realize we were on the phone for over an hour, and all I had said was "uh huh.  Really?  Yep.  Uh huh".

She contacted me and said she missed me, so we got together and started our friendship back up.  Back to hour-long conversations all about herself.  Back to 2-hour lunches with me saying "mm hmm.  Uh huh.  Yep.  Mmm hmm".

We are no longer friends.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I think it's very kind to think, ok, give one more chance.

So, @comfortablycumfy, give her another chance.  Tell her how you feel, kindly and softly.  Then stop and see if she lets a word in.

I drifted off from a friendship like this about 10 years ago.  I was going through one of the worst periods I had ever experienced, yet she would talk incessantly for one hour straight.  I'd look at my phone and realize we were on the phone for over an hour, and all I had said was "uh huh.  Really?  Yep.  Uh huh".

She contacted me and said she missed me, so we got together and started our friendship back up.  Back to hour-long conversations all about herself.  Back to 2-hour lunches with me saying "mm hmm.  Uh huh.  Yep.  Mmm hmm".

We are no longer friends.

I don't mean it just to be kind. I mean she may not know, she is a new friend and I am a similar age and while I wouldn't settle for this it's not easy to make new friends. So she'll have one more boring/self-absorbed convo and be done with it.

What I do know in my healthful friendships is there are times when it's mostly one of us or the other because of life.  Yes- we always ask how the other person is doing and it's not perfunctory but if my friend is going through a lot I quickly shift back to her stuff knowing that in the future it will be my "turn" and or go back to being balanced.

What I also like is friendships where there is stuff in common where turn taking is not as important.  By this I mean -for example -I have friends who are avid readers like me.  We swap book suggestions and speak about what we are reading. Honestly I can't tell whether it's one sided in a particular convo because -who cares? The whole point of sharing what we're reading is to see if the other person might like it.  Separately yes it's fun to talk about one's personal reactions to a particular author or book especially if it's intense. But that doesn't come across -to me anyway-as self-absorbed.  It's part of a shared interest. 

[Starlight925]

Yes, I agree, @Batya33.  Sometimes, one person is going through more stuff and needs to talk more.  And, this is a new friendship.

So yes, give this one more chance, or more chances, before throwing it in.

And I agree, it's hard to make friendships as an adult.  I wonder every day how to make more friends, as I'd love to.  But this is a sore spot for me, because I'm seen as a very friendly, outgoing person, yet the other person so often wants to talk AT me, not with.  I face this a lot.

In my new book club, one woman is hard of hearing, so the way they do it is, all chairs are in a circle, and there are about 15 women.  

They bring in a bluetooth speaker and a microphone, and pass the microphone around the circle so that each woman gets to speak, and the hard-of-hearing woman can hear (she does wear hearing aids too).

This way, no one dominates, each woman gives her thoughts, and the microphone keeps getting passed around.  Because everyone realizes it would be rude to interrupt, not allowing the hard-of-hearing woman to hear the interruption, no one interrupts.

I sometimes wish I could bring that microphone to lunches with my "talk AT" friends.

 

 

[catfeeder]

By the time you're ready to throw someone away, you have zero to lose by telling them exactly WHY and giving them the chance to correct it.

[yogacat]

17 hours ago, comfortablycumfy said:

We now spend a lot of time in the same circle and I find myself engaging in conversations with others, rather than sitting with her. I feel guilty about that.

Feeling guilty is normal when you pull back without understanding the reasons why. And it's most likley you pull back to overcome the feelings you're having. Do you want to talk about why or at least acknowledge in private with your friend what's really affecting you? Does that include some of the following: guilt, frustration, feeling over whelmed, feeling taken advantage of or used?

It's a tough spot you're in. It seems you can't find a balance between trying to enjoy conversations with your friend and wanting to avoid them, leading to feeling drained and detached. 

It could be that you're approaching a crossroad. A crossroad to acknowledge and then decide whether you continue the current way or find a different way that reduces this drained feeling. I have a feeling you will always take to initiative to include your friend but the feeling of being drained and un-enjoyment which seems to occur every time you spend time together is sure to compound and sour the relationship.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

Yes, I agree, @Batya33.  Sometimes, one person is going through more stuff and needs to talk more.  And, this is a new friendship.

So yes, give this one more chance, or more chances, before throwing it in.

And I agree, it's hard to make friendships as an adult.  I wonder every day how to make more friends, as I'd love to.  But this is a sore spot for me, because I'm seen as a very friendly, outgoing person, yet the other person so often wants to talk AT me, not with.  I face this a lot.

In my new book club, one woman is hard of hearing, so the way they do it is, all chairs are in a circle, and there are about 15 women.  

They bring in a bluetooth speaker and a microphone, and pass the microphone around the circle so that each woman gets to speak, and the hard-of-hearing woman can hear (she does wear hearing aids too).

This way, no one dominates, each woman gives her thoughts, and the microphone keeps getting passed around.  Because everyone realizes it would be rude to interrupt, not allowing the hard-of-hearing woman to hear the interruption, no one interrupts.

I sometimes wish I could bring that microphone to lunches with my "talk AT" friends.

 

 

As my sister and I like to say we’re with ourselves all day so tell me about you ! I don’t get the talk at thing. It’s not therapy. 

[Simplygrey]

I think some of the posts are correct where shes never had attention before being as she is quiet these people often get overlooked... now she feels comfortable taking the spotlight she's going to the extreme... its difficult to not upset someone but maybe theres a way of explaining to her one to one how you feel about it?

[comfortablycumfy]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Feeling guilty is normal when you pull back without understanding the reasons why. And it's most likley you pull back to overcome the feelings you're having. Do you want to talk about why or at least acknowledge in private with your friend what's really affecting you? Does that include some of the following: guilt, frustration, feeling over whelmed, feeling taken advantage of or used?

It's a tough spot you're in. It seems you can't find a balance between trying to enjoy conversations with your friend and wanting to avoid them, leading to feeling drained and detached. 

It could be that you're approaching a crossroad. A crossroad to acknowledge and then decide whether you continue the current way or find a different way that reduces this drained feeling. I have a feeling you will always take to initiative to include your friend but the feeling of being drained and un-enjoyment which seems to occur every time you spend time together is sure to compound and sour the relationship.

You are correct. I have reached a crossroad, hence looking for help out of the circle. This morning she called me. It took me all day to call back, simply because I didn't want to go down the usual route. To save the friendship, I need to convey my feelings whilst sparing hers.

[Simplygrey]

Just now, comfortablycumfy said:

You are correct. I have reached a crossroad, hence looking for help out of the circle. This morning she called me. It took me all day to call back, simply because I didn't want to go down the usual route. To save the friendship, I need to convey my feelings whilst sparing hers.

I mean you aren't responsible for her feelings or how she reacts but you can and I'm sure will do it in a respectable way that you can get your point across... I'm and introvert and when i get attention it makes me feel good because i don't get much... maybe shes just going more extreme