comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 Hi Guys. New here. Good to meet you all in advance. So I met someone at a gathering 18 months ago. In general she is a nice Lady and with time we bonded and became friends. In the beginning she was quite timid. I got to know her history and naturally took her under my wing. She had lost her husband who it seems was a very dominant guy and I felt sorry for her. She has really come out of her shell over the last six months, but to the point where she is constantly talking about herself. She does listen to other people, for a very short while, then goes into a comparable about herself, sometimes cutting people short. For example..this afternoon she asked how I was...I got half way through my week and she got distracted by something and left me hanging. Also I've noticed when I "deliberately" change the subject and invite other people to speak (when she stops to breathe), as soon as they take a moment to pause, she immediately returns to where she left off. People around us are starting to roll their eyes and I feel I need to say something. I'm frustrated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 My guess is she never got to talk about herself before . 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 1 minute ago, Seraphim said: My guess is she never got to talk about herself before . Six months later... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 1 minute ago, comfortablycumfy said: Six months later... Yes, how long was she married and probably kept silent ? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 3 minutes ago, Seraphim said: Yes, how long was she married and probably kept silent ? I totally get you. She was married for 30 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 Just now, comfortablycumfy said: I totally get you. She was married for 30 years. That is what I am saying , she was probably kept quiet for 30+ years and now is exploding to be heard not realizing she is causing offence. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 I've noticed people are like a pendulum. For most there moods are in this narrow path in the center. But some people have a tendency, for whatever reason, to swing to far to one side. Their momuntum then naturally swings them just as far onto the other side. It's like they are seeking a balance, from one extreme to the other. If she was kept silent for a long time, then there is probably a person waiting to burst out. She felt controlled, so know that she has freedom she wants to express herself. She has endured a lot over 30 years, so has a lot of paralles to draw from. So she will speak out and hasn't learned how to stop herself. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 However she clearly can't see that she is taking over the narrative all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 I understand completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 2 minutes ago, comfortablycumfy said: However she clearly can't see that she is taking over the narrative all the time. She has had no practice for 30 + years . Social skills need to be used to be kept sharp. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 My question is how do I approach the subject. The last thing I want to do is offend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 She has no social skills sadly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 1 minute ago, comfortablycumfy said: My question is how do I approach the subject. The last thing I want to do is offend. I can be like this . Very intense especially if I like a new friend. I have been called too intense and dumped as a friend. I would not tell her is round about beat around the bush ways . Be gentle but direct . Give a specific example of a conversation that went array. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 How old is she? I've also noticed that people tend to get less concerned with the social nicities as they age. How have you handled things so far? If you've taken her under your wing and got her to blossom like this, then she must trust you and be open to what you have to say. So just talk to her. Let her know that conversations are two sided and that other people need a chance to speak. Show her that listening is just as valuable a skill. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 Just be frank, if she is as good of a friend as you claim then she will be 100% okay. Of course, we don't want to be critical but it's two people in a friendship and it's okay that you want to feel heard. It is a blessing that you've internalized her actions and breathed the situation in. You are a wonderful friend. I am so sorry for the loss of her husband, and she will appreciate you being honest and not confrontational. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 4 minutes ago, Seraphim said: I can be like this . Very intense especially if I like a new friend. I have been called too intense and dumped as a friend. I would not tell her is round about beat around the bush ways . Be gentle but direct . Give a specific example of a conversation that went array. 👍 ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 Just now, comfortablycumfy said: 👍 ok Give her time to relearn to be a friend or a friend in a particular way. I wish people had done that. I know it is a rough cruel world …, but some time would probably fix this . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 5 minutes ago, ShySoul said: How old is she? I've also noticed that people tend to get less concerned with the social nicities as they age. How have you handled things so far? If you've taken her under your wing and got her to blossom like this, then she must trust you and be open to what you have to say. So just talk to her. Let her know that conversations are two sided and that other people need a chance to speak. Show her that listening is just as valuable a skill. She is 73 and I am 56. So in the beginning it wasn't an issue...but over the last months my other friends are commenting....like how do you cope bla bla. She is still very sensitive. The truth is I'm not coping and I'm starting to dread spending time together. That's why I reaching out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 When did her husband die ? My mom is 78 and her husband died almost 3 years ago and she is still really struggling with what to do with herself . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 23 minutes ago, comfortablycumfy said: I totally get you. She was married for 30 years. 22 minutes ago, ShySoul said: I've noticed people are like a pendulum. For most there moods are in this narrow path in the center. But some people have a tendency, for whatever reason, to swing to far to one side. Their momuntum then naturally swings them just as far onto the other side. It's like they are seeking a balance, from one extreme to the other. If she was kept silent for a long time, then there is probably a person waiting to burst out. She felt controlled, so know that she has freedom she wants to express herself. She has endured a lot over 30 years, so has a lot of paralles to draw from. So she will speak out and hasn't learned how to stop herself. 17 minutes ago, comfortablycumfy said: My question is how do I approach the subject. The last thing I want to do is offend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 4 minutes ago, Seraphim said: When did her husband die ? My mom is 78 and her husband died almost 3 years ago and she is still really struggling with what to do with herself . Sorry to hear of your loss Sera. Sarah's husband died 2 years ago. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 1 minute ago, comfortablycumfy said: Sorry to hear of your loss Sera. Sarah's husband died 2 years ago. They become very very lost . I know for my mom when she became very hearing impaired and physically disabled she relied on her husband more and more and more and the last 10 years other than when he was at work they were glued together so it was a devastating blow . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfortablycumfy Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 Just now, Seraphim said: They become very very lost . I know for my mom when she became very hearing impaired and physically disabled she relied on her husband more and more and more and the last 10 years other than when he was at work they were glued together so it was a devastating blow . Pulling on my heart strings. I've lost all my elders. I understand 👍 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 9 minutes ago, comfortablycumfy said: My question is how do I approach the subject. The last thing I want to do is offend. How about just saying briefly 1. I want to let you know how happy our friendship has grown, I take strings to myself and I also enjoy listening to you. 2. There are times though I really need to vent? Alternatively, finding something for her and you to do, or you can take together, cooking, art, yoga, reading club, etc. and maybe the conversations will become more 2 sided. Don't change her but perhaps find more ways to ask of her listening sidę? Ask her advice on your dilemmas. Just some ideas. Good luck! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 1 minute ago, comfortablycumfy said: Pulling on my heart strings. I've lost all my elders. I understand 👍 My mom lives with me now and I have a mother in law who is 90 but other than that we don’t have any other elders either . We are late 50’s. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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