Relationship stress while going on holiday

[wsddddddd]

I normally go to my home country each summer for about a month, but since I got a girlfriend last year it's become an emotional hassle to go back because she doesn't like me going away and being long distance for a few weeks to a month because she misses me, especially in the summer when we can go out in the hot and have the most fun. So this year I was planning to go a bit later, stay half of summer here and to go back to see family for the rest of august into the start of september.

However, my sister, nephew, niece, extended family and all my relatives live in my home country and I've explained to her that they haven't seen me in a year, while she's been seeing me every few days this whole year and to think about how they'd feel. I am going back for at least 2 weeks for the rest of august, but I'm worried because she's going to an apartment party while I'll be gone and there's a worry in me since I won't be there incase anyone tries flirting with her.

Also, her birthday is on the 3rd of Sept, so I wanted to be back in just above 2 weeks, but I just learnt that my sister is giving birth on the 2nd, so I have to stay for a couple more days to see the baby and be with them. I know the right choice is to stay with my sister, but I'm a bit worried about how my girlfriend would react.

How do I feel with all this stress when I'm supposed to relax and be on holiday?

[Batya33]

Do you trust her? If not don't date her.  My husband and I are apart for weeks at a time and very frequently for less than a week because he travels a lot for work.  I went to a party when he was away. I was wearing an engagement ring and very visibly pregnant.  I spent quite a bit of time talking to a male guest there. No flirting.  It was obvious to him I was "taken".  Next day he friended me on Facebook.  I was new to FB (this was in 2008) and didn't understand why he'd done so and in fact he must have learned my last name from someone.  I don't think I accepted.  I'm assuming he was "interested". 

Then when my husband and I went to a movie theater I waited in line to get us popcorn while he got seats.  The man in front of me turned and started chatting me up.  Again I was very obviously pregnant and yet it didn't stop him.  I responded appropriately.  When we were married a man I'd met while on jury duty and stayed in touch with via Linkedin emailed me about his impending divorce.  Part of the email was an impersonal question he had and part was complimentary -sort of feeling things out I guess. So I showed the email to my husband and said "I want to respond to the business question if you're comfortable with it.  So I did.  We're still on Linkedin and all was appropriate after that. 

My husband's ex girlfriend wanted to get back with him when we'd been dating a few months. He told her no and I was comfortable with him meeting her for dinner a few years later because  they were still connected professionally.  Because I trust him. He had lunch with his divorced female colleague last week.  She is very smart and pretty.  I had no issues with this and never have.  Because I trust him.

I've now been with my husband 18 years and we met 29 years and 10 months ago. I've never -ever- had any reason to worry when he's away and we were long distance for a good part of our pre-marital and even post-marital relationship (we'd dated in the past).  He's never felt doubtful about me.  You either trust or you don't.

Do you ever plan to get a job or does she that would require travel? Because if so then you need to resolve whether you trust each other.  My in-laws died in the last 8-11 years and we relocated 800 miles away a couple years before that.  My husband saw them as often as he could as did I - my mom is still alive and it's hard to be so far away. You don't get that time back, ok? It's good to miss each other IMO -as long as there is trust -that's the core issue -if not, don't bother being in this relationship IMO - even the marriage vows only say that you won't act on temptation and cheat -right?

[Kwothe28]

Immigrants do that kind of stuff all the time. They go back and go very frequently. My cousin in Sweden has 3 kids. She came for 3 weeks with the smallest one(he is 9 years old) and went back to Sweden but left the kid to her parents(he loves to be there a lot, spends every summer like that and plays with her sisters kid every day). So the older kid(he is 25) came to the country now to see his girlfriend here. And on the way back he will pick up the smallest one and take him to Sweden. What I am trying to tell you is that what you are describing is very common. Almost all our immigrants go back for the summer home. And come and go as they please. Wouldnt be surprised that you are from my or some neighborhood country in the way you described yours. 

Anyway, your girlfriend should deal with that you will visit your country every now and then. You can even maybe take her along sometimes. As you should deal with her going to some party. Which is kinda silly from the standpoint that, if somebody would flirt and if she would cheat, she can do that in school or in her job also. Or even in front of you when you go out(I know some cases of that also lol). So again, you would have to deal with that part yourself and to accept that you either trust her to be loyal or not.

[wsddddddd]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you trust her? If not don't date her.

34 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

As you should deal with her going to some party. Which is kinda silly from the standpoint that, if somebody would flirt and if she would cheat, she can do that in school or in her job also. Or even in front of you when you go out(I know some cases of that also lol). So again, you would have to deal with that part yourself and to accept that you either trust her to be loyal or not.

Something happened at a party we went to a while ago where a guy was trying to flirt with her and she was laughing at everything he was saying and talking to him, gave him a hug goodbye, and added him on instagram after so it kind of created trust issues with me now. You've both probably seen the post I made on it last month. Maybe I'm too jealous but I felt hurt and I was reconsidering our relationship after that.

She later called him weird and that he made her uncomfortable, even though it really didn't look like it to me. He was the one who went for the hug and she later said she didn't want it and gave into peer pressure. I didn't want to be an insensitive a-hole so I decided to trust that she was actually uncomfortable and moved on, but I definitely lost some trust from that day on because she looked interested in him to me. I still feel bad every time I think about it, and now when I'm not there I don't know what she might do (God forbid if the guy from that party happens to know the host and be there as well, highly unlikely though).

So that's why I'm worried - from that past experience. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, wsddddddd said:

You've both probably seen the post I made on it last month

Oh lord, this girl. Yes, I remember your story. 

Sorry, but tihs relationship isn't the most mature one anyway. There's drama. There's distrust. There's your girlfriend essentially blaming you when she was clearly open to this other guy's flirty moves and tried to follow him on social media. You have a reason to be worried, I'm afraid to say. She isn't a great girlfriend. 

As for you going home? I get it. I also live abroad and rarely see my family. I would hope that a partner whom I saw frequently would underdstand that I prefer to stay a while longer. 

But again, your relationship has pre-existing problems that would have made me reluctant to continue it anyway. 

[smackie9]

Just go back anyways...if it falls apart then it falls apart. Can't keep chained to her out of insecurity.

[Andrina]

Then she only cares about herself and not your reasonable wants. She's selfish. When you care about a partner, you make sacrifices like missing them when they temporarily have to be gone for whatever reasonable reason. One time, I wanted to go abroad but my husband's foot had issues at the problem and there is a lot of walking you have to do on certain vacations, so I told him I wanted to invite my female friend instead. He supported that happily and when I got back, he'd detailed my car and gave the house a major cleaning for me to come home to. And that trip didn't even involve visiting family and wasn't an important need like yours.

I was about to say that you have to trust your partner to behave in the best interest possible for the integrity of the partnership. That people will often be flirted with when taken, and that it's no big deal when a person chooses to shut that down. But now you remind us of her past behavior which you're not happy with.

You're living in fear because she welcomed the attention of a flirt and prolonged it by staying connected to him. And now you're also living in fear of being verbally abused and emotionally manipulated when you seek to spend time with family. A controller tries to isolate you from family, and you're allowing it.

This is so unhealthy and these are major issues. In the same situation, I would free myself and be alone to get time and distance away from this toxicity. Don't date again until you gain self-worth and learn to recognize people whom you should avoid.

[HeartGoesOn]

3 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

I'm worried because she's going to an apartment party while I'll be gone and there's a worry in me since I won't be there incase anyone tries flirting with her.

I'm sorry, but when you feel the need to play the role of a "PI" the relationship has already gone south, (imo).

Since the the glue that holds a relationship together, aka trust is gone, you have nothing to go on and there's no turning back.

I'm sorry, but it may be helpful to work on raising the bar, in order to gain the respect you deserve.

[catfeeder]

You already don't have trust, so there's nothing left to lose.

[wsddddddd]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You have a reason to be worried, I'm afraid to say. She isn't a great girlfriend

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

This is so unhealthy and these are major issues. In the same situation, I would free myself and be alone to get time and distance away from this toxicity. Don't date again until you gain self-worth and learn to recognize people whom you should avoid.

40 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I'm sorry, but it may be helpful to work on raising the bar, in order to gain the respect you deserve.

Thank you to everyone. I really don't know what to do now.

She's been approached by numerous guys since then and she's rejected them all. Someone even came up to her today and she told me she said she had a boyfriend, which is good I guess. A guy that approached her a few weeks ago tried hugging her and she said she denied the hug. I wanted to ask why couldn't she do it at the party then, but I made a promise not to bring it up again since she said it reminded her of how uncomfortable she was.

She said she was just being nice after the first time we spoke to the guy, and said on a couple of occasions that he was weird. I'm not mad about the hug since peer pressure and her repeatedly saying she didn't want it and was uncomfortable is fair enough. She also said the instagram thing was in the moment and he asked her for it, which I understand. Girls have asked for my instagram too before and it did feel awkward for me to say no so I gave it, but in my case they were people I'd met from a work experience program, and they weren't from a party trying to flirt with me.

I did have trust that she was uncomfortable after and it made me feel better. It's at moments that my mood swings and I look at it in the upsetting "she cheated" way. 

It's also our 1 year and 2 months today, so breaking up with her right now feels wrong. 

She also frequently talks about our children and us getting married and stuff, which is cute I guess.

A lot of people said I should trust that she was uncomfortable, which I do, and that the party thing wasn't even that big of a deal since she was just being nice, and at the end of the day she called me when she got home after and didn't cheat on me.

I will be going back to family, that's for sure, it's just the missing her birthday bit that I'm concerned about but I still haven't told her so I guess I'll write back after I tell her; she might understand hopefully. 

Man I really thought I was over it. I feel like I can't get myself to do it because we're each others' first and I'd be way less happy without a girlfriend, plus I feel like I can't get one again. Thanks again to everybody, and sorry as I'm really torn on what to do right now.

[Batya33]

She didn't create trust issues.  You chose to react that way. I agree with the others who are advising that this relationship is unhealthy.

[Andrina]

52 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

She's been approached by numerous guys since then and she's rejected them all. Someone even came up to her today and she told me she said she had a boyfriend, which is good I guess. A guy that approached her a few weeks ago tried hugging her and she said she denied the hug.

You can't see the forest for the trees. You can't even see that her telling you all this is, for her, is a tactic to keep you unbalanced. She loves how she's painting herself as some prized lady whom guys will regularly make moves on, and to see that look in your eyes that you're frightened to lose her, and that's just how she likes it. Tell her you no longer want to hear about who hits on her. And a mentally mature lady won't mind her birthday being delayed a week or two when you're out of town, as long as you make it special when you get back. 

You're excuses about not wanting to be without a girlfriend and that you don't think you can get another one are crappy and immature reasons to remain in a relationship. If the shoe were on the other foot and your gf were saying these things, would you want to continue on with her? Many people have to go through many relationships while learning about themselves and what they want before finding a lifetime keeper. Don't let yourself continue living a life where you think toxicity is the norm.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

She also frequently talks about our children and us getting married and stuff, which is cute I guess.

It's also essentially day-dreaming. She is not mature enough for any of that yet (and you probably aren't either, due to your age) so please don't take this sort of talk seriously. 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

She loves how she's painting herself as some prized lady whom guys will regularly make moves on, and to see that look in your eyes that you're frightened to lose her, and that's just how she likes it.

Agreed. OP, none of this is good. 

 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

Thank you to everyone. I really don't know what to do now.

Go visit your family and stop pretzeling yourself around appeasing someone who is a manipulative bottomless pit.

When you're in the presence of your family and old friends you will feel yourself normalize, and you'll have a whole new perspective about the sickness of this relationship and how you'll want to handle it.

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

I am going back for at least 2 weeks for the rest of august, but I'm worried because she's going to an apartment party while I'll be gone and there's a worry in me since I won't be there incase anyone tries flirting with her.

Also, her birthday is on the 3rd of Sept, so I wanted to be back in just above 2 weeks, but I just learnt that my sister is giving birth on the 2nd, so I have to stay for a couple more days to see the baby and be with them. I know the right choice is to stay with my sister, but I'm a bit worried about how my girlfriend would react.

You've had this GF for a year?

You two should be able to TRUST each other at this point!  If not, why not?

You have family, you have the right to go away to see them. Do as YOU want, not her.  She will just have to accept it.  Its not like you won't be coming back!  She can have her own time with friends etc.

If you two can't survive a few weeks apart, then you're doomed 😕 .

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Oh lord, this girl. Yes, I remember your story. 

 

I didnt check previous topics but yes, this seems like that story of a woman going to party, telling boyfriend how she isnt flattered by some man interest but still adding him on Instagram. 

As you can see OP, you being there isnt going to assure she doesnt do questionable stuff. I can see why you dont trust her but contemplating marriage with somebody like that is very bad decision. If you dont trust her, than you should break up. Not thinking about marrying somebody who doesnt even respect you enough to behave properly in front of you.

[DarkCh0c0]

16 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

It's also our 1 year and 2 months today, so breaking up with her right now feels wrong. 

Why wrong? There is no divine timing for adult decisions and talk. You're making excuses and postponing the inevitable break up. You guys are not a good match to each other.

16 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

She's been approached by numerous guys since then and she's rejected them all.

So let me guess. She's hot. You have a poor self-esteem. Is that why you won't break up?

[wsddddddd]

4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Why wrong? There is no divine timing for adult decisions and talk. You're making excuses and postponing the inevitable break up. You guys are not a good match to each other.

So let me guess. She's hot. You have a poor self-esteem. Is that why you won't break up?

Pretty much, she can get a boyfriend soon after but I'll probably not be able to get a gf again.

I'll feel really lonely too, I'm happy when we go out on dates and she comes over and stuff like that. I don't know. She's been really affectionate and we've sort of "gotten over" what happened back then, so I'm not sure what to do.

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

'll probably not be able to get a gf again.

Why do you say that? You have no experience to compare this to, so this is mostly your fear talking. 

30 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

we've sort of "gotten over" what happened back then

Only that's not true or you wouldn't be concerned about her attending a party now. I think you have tried to suppress your own feelings because you don't want to see the truth about this girl and she's manipulated you into feeling badly about it. You've just kept your mouth shut you don't rock the boat but the mistrust and uncertainty is still there. 

21 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

we're each others' first

In the grand scheme of life? This doesn't mean much. Younger and inexperienced people tend to attach a lot of importance to this, but as you grow up and get more life experience, you tend to learn why "firsts" are not usually "lasts." 

[DarkCh0c0]

57 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

Pretty much, she can get a boyfriend soon after

Even if she gets the attention of many people, it doesn't mean they'll be the right people for her in terms of compatibility and so forth. Attraction is like the hook. Personality, shared values, vision and compatibilities are what keeps a couple strong together. These are more difficult to find.

58 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

I'll probably not be able to get a gf again.

That is not true. That is a lie you tell yourself to confirm/sooth your low self esteem and self-pity. This is a lie you tell yourself to stay in your comfort zone and not take risks.

You can reach out to and find more women. Just like you've found this lady, be confident that you'll find many others.

But do you want to?

It's up to you. You can sleep on this and consider what to do next.

[ShySoul]

On 8/10/2024 at 9:25 AM, wsddddddd said:

She's been approached by numerous guys since then and she's rejected them all. Someone even came up to her today and she told me she said she had a boyfriend, which is good I guess. A guy that approached her a few weeks ago tried hugging her and she said she denied the hug.

Everyone always says to watch what a person does. So look at what she has done since the incident. She has rejected people's advances. She has stayed with you. Has she given any indication of being interested in someone else? Has she not been able to handle herself? So why do you still feel worried? Why do you feel the need to monitor her and be there just in case? 

At a certain point you need to let one uncomfortable moment go. You do need to trust her as she has proven herself since then to be worth that trust. And if I'm recalling the incident correctly, she wasn't doing anything that wrong in the first place. She laughed at a person's jokes and gave a spur of the moment hug, then didn't continue contact. Nothing happened then and nothing has happened since. So stop worrying about it.

On 8/10/2024 at 4:54 AM, wsddddddd said:

Also, her birthday is on the 3rd of Sept, so I wanted to be back in just above 2 weeks, but I just learnt that my sister is giving birth on the 2nd, so I have to stay for a couple more days to see the baby and be with them. I know the right choice is to stay with my sister, but I'm a bit worried about how my girlfriend would react.

I think most people are understanding that a birth in the family is a big deal. If you have a chance to be there, it's something you should probably do. If you tell your girlfriend how important it is to you and your family, she should understand. Promise to treat her to something special when you get back. You can still celebrate the birthday, even if it's a little belated. But this birth is a once in a lifetime kind of thing. If she cares about and respects you, she should understand.

And in this age, distance isn't what it used to be. My co-worker is spending the rest of the month going home to Croatia. He is still checking in a couple times a week for work. He mentioned an app that will let us call him for free if we need him. I'm sure you can find some way to keep in touch with her and even spend time with her on her birthday, even if it has to be virtually.

[wsddddddd]

Small update - I asked again about the party and she said she wasn't going anymore. I also told her about missing her birthday and she said it's okay, but you know when they say they're okay, but they're actually not? I think that's the case because her tone seems off. She might be a little upset but she should understand.

Thank you to everyone for reassuring me that it wouldn't be the end of the world and that it shouldn't be that hard. I feel much better and see it as more simple now.

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

And if I'm recalling the incident correctly, she wasn't doing anything that wrong in the first place. She laughed at a person's jokes and gave a spur of the moment hug, then didn't continue contact. Nothing happened then and nothing has happened since. So stop worrying about it.

That's what a lot of people on other forums said. That she was just being nice and at the end of the day she was on the phone with me when we got home and she didn't cheat. 

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Everyone always says to watch what a person does. So look at what she has done since the incident. She has rejected people's advances. She has stayed with you. Has she given any indication of being interested in someone else? Has she not been able to handle herself? So why do you still feel worried? Why do you feel the need to monitor her and be there just in case?

She's been even more affectionate in fact. Even took me out for lunch last week and paid for it.

We also went out with her best friend and a guy friend and I left first because I was going a different way. She told me on the phone later that when they were saying bye the best friend gave him a hug, but my girlfriend didn't and she even told me it was a bit awkward, but she didn't do it because she "knows how I get" so it was kind of funny. I honestly wouldn't have even had a problem with it since the guy is a friend of both of us and we've known him from even before we dated, so it's not like he was flirting with her or anything.

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I'm sure you can find some way to keep in touch with her and even spend time with her on her birthday, even if it has to be virtually.

Oh yeah of course, we always text and facetime. It's the birthday I hope she's not too upset about, but I know I made the right choice.

I just hope she doesn't change her mind and go to the party now just out of spite that I won't make her birthday, but I can tell that's me overthinking and being silly.

Thanks to everyone again for all the help, I appreciate it!

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

Pretty much, she can get a boyfriend soon after but I'll probably not be able to get a gf again.

I'll feel really lonely too, I'm happy when we go out on dates and she comes over and stuff like that. I don't know. She's been really affectionate and we've sort of "gotten over" what happened back then, so I'm not sure what to do.

Don't sell yourself short. This woman who can apparently get any guy she wants and has guys chasing her chose you. She's being affectionate, doesn't want you going on trips because she hates the thought of being away from you, and is watching her behavior because she doesn't want to risk you being upset again. There has to be something special about you if she is that into you.

Enjoy what you have and don't overthink so much. There will always be bumps on the road, but you seem to be doing pretty well for yourself. 

Actually, maybe you could give me a few pointers? 😉

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

I just hope she doesn't change her mind and go to the party now just out of spite that I won't make her birthday

If she does this, you dump her. 

That is how you would know she isn't girlfriend material. You are both young and making a lot of fumbles along the way. Understand she likely isn't the one you will be with forever, but try not to let yourself get too bent out of shape in the meantime. 

[Kwothe28]

On 8/11/2024 at 3:33 PM, wsddddddd said:

Pretty much, she can get a boyfriend soon after but I'll probably not be able to get a gf again.

 

I would stick up to this. A while ago, I read a very good explanation on why some couples are "odd parity". For example, I would assume from this sentence that she is very pretty and that you are not. So, why did she chose you? Well, its because anybody else would dump her as soon as she allowed some other man to flirt with her in the presence of boyfriend and even add him on Insta.  So she chose you because you tolerate that kind of behavior. You live in fear that tomorrow you wont find anybody else that pretty. And she exploits that by doing whatever she wants. While not realizing that even if she does finds somebody, they wouldnt not tolerate her behavior at all.

This is not a healthy relationship for you. And as soon as you broke it off and find somebody more healthy for you, you would see that it was a disaster. Sadly, with your attitude toward it, it wont happen soon.