Long Term On and Off Relationships

[Openreach]

Repeated break ups, try again do overs, before breaking up again cycles that last many years. What are peoples opinions on these kinds of relationships?

Does the "Honeymoon/Golden Period" become shorter each time?

 

[yogacat]

It means both are 10/10 for pain tolerance and thrive from the drudgery of drama and EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTERS. Fear of being alone. Codependency. Immaturity. Communication issues. Baggage. Insecurities. Trying to recreate that initial high. 

[Andrina]

Two people who are serious about putting daily efforts for the success of the relationship, and who lack dealbreakers, will stay together and work on any issues as a team.

If one or both has a way of dealing with problems like they're running away from a bear, that's something broken that shouldn't try to be pieced together again.

I've never once taken back an ex, because if he was willing to let me go once, knowing that likely spelled forever, I had to admit he didn't care enough.

If I did the breaking up, I'd thought long and hard about that and did so for good reason. I'd rather start fresh with someone new since people rarely change for the better. They would've improved when I'd brought up the issue in the first place and not let it get to the point of breaking up.

 

[catfeeder]

I think of them as circling the same old drain rather than growing beyond them.

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

It means both are 10/10 for pain tolerance and thrive from the drudgery of drama and EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTERS. Fear of being alone. Codependency. Immaturity. Communication issues. Baggage. Insecurities. Trying to recreate that initial high. 

Those are my thoughts too.  All way too messy and people who thrive on drama.

[Cherylyn]

I think these types of relationships are reminiscent of all relationships no matter who it is.  Eventually,  you hit a wall and it becomes hopeless. 

The honeymoon phase is delusional.

Whenever relationships require so much work,  it's not working anymore.  😔

It's actually a tremendous sigh of relief once you admit that the relationship will continue to flounder and the decision is made to call it quits.  Then you feel liberated and free which is a priceless burden lifted off your shoulders.  Freedom is tremendous and then you thank your lucky stars that the anguish no longer continues to fester.  It feels like a "free get out jail" card.  😉You're no longer shackled to an abysmal relationship.

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Openreach said:

Repeated break ups, try again do overs, before breaking up again cycles that last many years. What are peoples opinions on these kinds of relationships?

Does the "Honeymoon/Golden Period" become shorter each time?

 

I had this with a really lovely person who simply wasn't right for me.  7 years on and off -didn't really have to do with honeymoon period - because it wasn't about big fights or betrayal of any sort.  He wanted to marry me and I had doubts.  I wished I'd wanted to marry him -or at least wanted that without on and off doubts.  It was awful.  For both of us.  We finally ended it and I get enough time and space (4-5 months) that when a mutual friend made a comment about him - it was not a negative comment at all- not gossip but an observation of what he was like to be around, hang out with I finally had this aha moment where I realized why it just didn't work between us.  We still were in contact then sporadically, platonically and when I raised this he actually -agreed -wasn't defensive -he got it.  That's when I moved on completely -I was almost all the way there by that point but that was -it. 

My opinion is if it happens more than once it's  a sign you're not right together or at least not right together at that time. My husband and I got back together almost 8 years after ending our engagement.  Had it been more than once -which it might have been since I'd wanted to try again a month later and he said no -I doubt we'd be married now. 

The other somewhat on and off relationship I had ended up being because he was in denial about being gay.  No signs of this while we dated -the opposite. I didn't know this till 10 years after we broke up and met for coffee when I was in his city where he'd moved.  He ended things with me after 1.5 years, I was heartbroken, we got back together about 5 months later (ok so now I realize -there was only one breakup) - and all was great until it wasn't until I realized that as over the moon as I was if I married him I'd feel "lonely" and really had no idea why I had that sense.  So he proposed -huge surprise -and I declined and we broke up.  I was relieved.  I realized later I had that lonely sense because he kept emotional distance as he struggled with his sexual orientation.  This was in the 1990s and where he lived and worked it wasn't so accepting I guess.  But he did want to marry and figured he could have a normal married life and I guess- see men on the side? I really don't know I didn't ask.

 

[waffle]

Where is Wiseman these days???

I remember him saying once or twice--and I've always thought this in a general sense although he articulated it far better than I ever could--that the back-and-forth is almost always a sign of unresolved issues and incompatibilities.

[ShySoul]

All depends on the people and the relationships.

For some people it will be a sign of immaturity and an unwiilingness to grow. It will be repeating a cycle that causes them pain, because the hurt creates an illusion of stability and comfort. It's the devil you know. 

For others it can be trial and error. It's to people connected and drawn to each other, but timing and circumstances may not make it right. Yet they don't give up and can eventually find their way to each other and make it stick. 

The key is both people being willing to put in the effort, learning how to communicate and compromise. 

[ShySoul]

If you want more opinions, here's another post from this site that discusses it. Was one of the first things that came up when I googled. Few examples of it working and a few examples of it not working.

 

[smackie9]

Quit it the first time around and don't fall into that cycle. You broke up for a reason....just keep it that way and move on. 

[rainbowsandroses]

A bit of a different take but imo it doesn't always mean a couple is incompatible and all wrong for each orher.

I know of couples who thrive on such on/off relationships, they both love the drama and literally need the chaos, the highs and lows and emotional rollercoaster otherwise they're bored and feel like they and the relationship are dead.

It's only a problem if/when one person is not into all that drama and chaos in which case it's simply best to end it the first time!

Is it healthy?  Who's to say if it works for them?

I know of one couple with this type of relationship, lots of separations and reconciliations but they're both very much in love and believe it nor not, happy.

[yogacat]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

All depends on the people and the relationships.

For some people it will be a sign of immaturity and an unwiilingness to grow. It will be repeating a cycle that causes them pain, because the hurt creates an illusion of stability and comfort. It's the devil you know. 

For others it can be trial and error. It's to people connected and drawn to each other, but timing and circumstances may not make it right. Yet they don't give up and can eventually find their way to each other and make it stick. 

The key is both people being willing to put in the effort, learning how to communicate and compromise. 

Timing, ah yes!

I just wonder @Openreach since you SPECIFICALLY INQUIRED ABOUT THE HONEYMOON PERIOD, that you've already gone through one honeymoon period with this particular person and so by definition you've broken up and lost it?

A long term ex-relationship we met, dated for a few months, broke up, randomly bumped into each other a year later and it blossomed into a five year great relationship. Same starting point, different timing. It was better the second time around but one can see where the immaturity and lack of communication could have easily sent it off the rails again.

I think that fits into timing...

Some people say there is no honeymoon period, its biological. Others say its the way you start a relationship. Some off that bat, some start off as good friends and of course upgrade to lovers. Some even enemies at first!

So maybe you're wanting to know how to recreate it because it's slipped away as opposed to maintaining what you're doing so what are the factors to establish/maintain a honeymoon period? 

[ShySoul]

I particpated in an on off dance with a woman for ten months. Technically, it never hit an official relationship. But when it was on, it was really on. The sparks flew, the conversations were deep and heartfelt, there was talks of future plans. Then she would pull back and call things off. 

Yes, there were fears and insecurities. Yes, there was trust and communication issues. Yes there was baggage. But what relationship doesn't carry that to some degree?

We both braved it out as long as we did because, to us, it was still worth it. It wasn't us being hooked on the drama, as neither of us liked drama or games in the first place. It was us being hooked on each other, each seeing something in the other that we were drawn to. The experience actually forced us to each confront issues we had avoided. We couldn't do it for ourselves, but we were willing to do it for the other person. 

We finally came to a point where neither of us could continue. But there was no bad blood or ill will. There was sadness for what could have been, sure. But it wasn't damaging in the long run.

Yes, some on and off situations can be toxic and damaging for people. It can be a cycle that only serves to hurt both sides. Other people can actually thrive and enjoy the experience. And for some, like me, it can be a bittersweet experience that actually leaves the people involved in better shape.

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

A long term ex-relationship we met, dated for a few months, broke up, randomly bumped into each other a year later and it blossomed into a five year great relationship. 

My father was with a woman when he was younger. It didn't work. Decades later they reconnect and end up married until he passed away, together for 17 years. They weren't in the right place before, but they were then. It's all about timing.

On 8/8/2024 at 12:20 PM, Openreach said:

Does the "Honeymoon/Golden Period" become shorter each time?

Doesn't the question automatically assume it will end? Could that be part of the problem? If you assume things will get worse and there will be problems, you are more likely to look for those problems and thus make things worse.

Nothing is ever perfect. Even at the start there can be disagreements and misunderstandings. Doesn't mean things will get worse or it's reason to give up. 

Open, honest communication, trust, respect, kindness, listening to each other, sympathy and understanding.... those are the things that make any relationship work. When something comes up, use those skills and there is a good chance you can get through it. What causes the off periods is when people don't show the maturity to be able to do these things. 

If the question was intended to ask rather things can work out, then yes, as long as you learn from the past and work together to address whatever issues there was. Do this, and eventually the Honeymoon period can last a long, long, time.

[MissCanuck]

Some people stay in dysfunctional relationships because they're afraid to be alone. 

So, they cling to and go back to what they know even if it means they just repeat the same tired cycle and emotional roller coaster. 

It woudn't work for me, as I see it as a poor standard for long-term happiness and contentment. 

 

[Batya33]

I read the question as referring to on again off again exclusive relationships -break ups/get back together -that old song "the best part of breaking up is when we're making up" -it thrives on drama.  Separately to me personally if in the beginning there is too much back and forth and unequal footing it's -doomed IMO.  Maybe you try again years later or something depending on why the doubts etc. Although I've never asked my husband I strongly believe that if I'd been hesitant or "I don't know" when he asked me to get back together after almost 8 years apart unless there was a specific concrete reason like "I have to think about whether I'd be willing to relocate" he'd have left town as planned and actively pursued meeting other women.  He was looking to marry (as was I). 

He'd told me the second of three platonic times we met up that he was looking to meet people and would consider long distance since he traveled so much for work to particular cities.  But he wasn't yet as he'd recently ended a one year relationship.  So timing was everything and for me too.  Therefore hesitancy or back and forth at that point would have been a dealbreaker.  And IMHO I believe if it's not off to a steady start in the beginning it is most likely a waste of time.

[SooSad33]

On 8/8/2024 at 3:20 PM, Openreach said:

Repeated break ups, try again do overs, before breaking up again cycles that last many years. What are peoples opinions on these kinds of relationships?

Does the "Honeymoon/Golden Period" become shorter each time?

 

I'd find this damaging.

Yup, I tried it a couple of times and many things are affected, such as trust - fear they'll end it again. Also, what are the reasons for breaking up time & time again?  If it didn;t work the first 1 or 2 times, WHY do you think it would finally work a 3rd time?   And, whatever's affecting this between you two, reasons for these BU's.. are you working on those causes, or are they being repeated?

As for how you worded it, 'Cycles that last years'.. I'd say this is just toxic for you both.  It hasn't changed or improved over all this time, so why are you even considering trying again?  😕 .

Cut all the strings and just admit it isn't and hasn't worked out!  Be done, totally and move on with your life.

 

[Openreach]

On 8/9/2024 at 3:48 PM, yogacat said:

Timing, ah yes!

I just wonder @Openreach since you SPECIFICALLY INQUIRED ABOUT THE HONEYMOON PERIOD, that you've already gone through one honeymoon period with this particular person and so by definition you've broken up and lost it?

A long term ex-relationship we met, dated for a few months, broke up, randomly bumped into each other a year later and it blossomed into a five year great relationship. Same starting point, different timing. It was better the second time around but one can see where the immaturity and lack of communication could have easily sent it off the rails again.

I think that fits into timing...

Some people say there is no honeymoon period, its biological. Others say its the way you start a relationship. Some off that bat, some start off as good friends and of course upgrade to lovers. Some even enemies at first!

So maybe you're wanting to know how to recreate it because it's slipped away as opposed to maintaining what you're doing so what are the factors to establish/maintain a honeymoon period? 

No, It was just a general question out of interest, not about me. Something that interested me from a psychological point of view. Some people get married and divorced and then go back and then carry on having repeated breakups. i know of one such couple and its been going on for 20 years plus and it made me wonder how dynamics like that happen

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again but expecting different outcomes?

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Openreach said:

No, It was just a general question out of interest, not about me. Something that interested me from a psychological point of view. Some people get married and divorced and then go back and then carry on having repeated breakups. i know of one such couple and its been going on for 20 years plus and it made me wonder how dynamics like that happen

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again but expecting different outcomes?

Insanity?  Perhaps. However, it's doubtful they expect a different outcome.  Especially after 20 years!  

They enjoy the drama and chaos.  I know couples like this too and as odd or dysfunctional as it sounds to most people, they need it (in a relationship) like we need air to breathe.

We can judge them until hell freezes over, they're happy in their own chaotic way. 

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Openreach said:

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again but expecting different outcomes?

What is insane to one person may make perfect sense to another.

I don't see the joy of bungee jumping or skydiving. Plunging in a free fall seems insane to me. Yet plenty of people love the thrill of it. I was miserable my one time in a nightclub. The loud music making it impossible to talk or think, the excessive alcohol, the "dancing"... all was driving me insane. Yet, lots of people love it. Likewise, I'm sure people find some of the things I enjoy insane.

I think people go into off again/on again relationships mostly knowing what they are getting. After a while it become a comfort. Some part may hope for more, but another part is content with what they have always had. It's familiar. They know what to expect. They might be addicted to the thrill. They might find it easier then trying for something that will last. But it's what they are comfortable with at the time.

As long as no one is being physically or emotionally damaged, it's there call on what they want. I just want to see people be happy, whatever happy means to them.

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, Openreach said:

No, It was just a general question out of interest, not about me. Something that interested me from a psychological point of view. Some people get married and divorced and then go back and then carry on having repeated breakups. i know of one such couple and its been going on for 20 years plus and it made me wonder how dynamics like that happen

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again but expecting different outcomes?

If the couple are happy then great! A lot of times we see these posts from people or hear stories that they're miserable (or at least it sounds miserable) or their partner being hurtful and the other being hurt. Or someone says they fight over the same things over and over. This sounds much more like hell then a "nice" honeymoon period.

But if some enjoy it, especially if such people thrive off the adrenaline rush of constantly breaking up and making up. They might enjoy the drama and excitement that comes with it. For some people, it's what they know and it feeds some deeper psychological needs. They might not be able to maintain a more stable relationship (stable in the sense where they're not breaking up all the time) because it doesn't give them the same intensity and excitement.

Then there are couples that maybe fight a lot and laugh about it later and break up then come back more loving and old issues start to vanish. Maybe they both had issues to work out on their own and they did and the new try cuts right to the chase.

As for your quote about insanity, sure, in some cases...burn your hands enough times and you will learn to not put your hand in the fire!! Hopefully.

[Batya33]

I know of a couple married nearly 60 years and I've known them well for over 15 years.  They bicker constantly - argue too - not below the belt, yes in front of people like in a car or at a restaurant - they are not on and off. Always been -on -lol. 

But someone on the outside might wonder -how do they survive with all this bickering? Because if you know them and if you're attune to it you realize they love each other to pieces. They do so much for each other and with each other (I didn't know them when the husband still worked full time and I suspect then he had a long commute/long hours -they raised 3 children.  If you listen and know them -the bickering -is not personal attacks - it is just -their way and no it is not abusive at all. 

It's their way of communicating that makes them happy.  And if you know them -like if you didn't just overhear their dynamic -then you know that if one needs the other for anything, the other is there -speed of light - they laugh together too - a lot - they both love their kids and grandkids - etc.  So to the point of judging what makes people happy .... (and no I would not give this example if I thought any of the bickering/disagreeing was abusive, disrespectful etc -from my perspective - they are together all these years for the right reasons and possibly because wow she is an awesome cook...)

[Openreach]

I hear you Battya but completely different to the scenario i had in mind where ones a grandiose narcissist (with money) and the others a covert. They've cheated on each other multiple times and so regularly suspect the other is cheating on each other -  but yet keep going back to each other.

And round and round it goes.

 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, Openreach said:

I hear you Battya but completely different to the scenario i had in mind where ones a grandiose narcissist (with money) and the others a covert. They've cheated on each other multiple times and so regularly suspect the other is cheating on each other -  but yet keep going back to each other.

And round and round it goes.

 

That's one of many instances of back and forth -in my past situation it was not like that in the least. I am so happy I was able to leave for good as it wasn't good for either of us and we both went on to marry others -in the same year and have families. I'm so happy because we are both good people and weren't good together.