boyfriend who never plans dates. What do you think?

[yogacat]

54 minutes ago, salley said:

yes, i know that this is partially my fault because i never asked for it in the beginning and he never knew until a year ago that i have a problem with just staying in (which personally i don‘t think EVERYTHING has to be communicated all the time because ofc i want to go outside) but yes it was 10-11 times and this year we were out 2 times. 

Listen up, salley dearest.

I admire your commitment to finding a solution, but let's not sugarcoat this. It's time to be stern. If this guy truly is "worth his salt," then he should have the basic courtesy to consider your needs.

I would give him all the space in the world. Or dump him... 

Getting on with yourself FIRST will either force his hand to step up, or show you that he's not as 'great' as you thought. Either way, it's better than constantly feeling like a second priority.

Don't be afraid to demand the respect you deserve, my dear. That's what real love is all about. Love for yourself and love for others, but never at the expense of your own happiness. And remember, being alone and taking care of yourself is always better than being with someone who constantly makes you feel alone and uncared for.

[DarkCh0c0]

46 minutes ago, salley said:

yes, i know that this is partially my fault because i never asked for it in the beginning and he never knew until a year ago that i have a problem with just staying in (which personally i don‘t think EVERYTHING has to be communicated all the time because ofc i want to go outside) but yes it was 10-11 times and this year we were out 2 times. 

Huh?

Since when going on dates and having fun as a couple needs to be communicated?

You keep blaming yourself when it's obviously a him problem. Maybe you don't like the sound of that or you feel guilty to leave. But hon', you need to wear your adults girl pants on and kick him to the curb.

You went out just 2 times this year? Are you kidding me?! People walk their dogs more often than that. Just consider that for a second.

27 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Like if he doesn't bring you along to hang with his friends, then you may as well be a FWB. You are not sharing your lives together. You just hang out at his place, while you do all the work. 

Ditto!

[rainbowsandroses]

@salley, I read this is your first relationship so it's understandable you went along with his agenda of staying inside, very VERY rarely going out, him never making plans or making any effort for that matter.  As you said, you had nothing to compare it to.

You think by suggesting things to do or making the plans yourself, basically picking up HIS slack, he will "learn" what to do as another poster suggested however I see this happening with young women so often and it NEVER ends well.

That said, I am not discounting those relationships where the women is the leader in the RL and doesn't mind making all the plans, there are RLs with this type of dynamic and that is fine, for them.

I am not getting that sense from you though not to mention when you DO suggest plans he shuts them down and prefers staying inside doing NOTHING.

So here's the thing.  When you continued to go along with his agenda and picking up his slack without challenging him, he got lazy and uninspired about you AND the RL and now he is most likely shut down and may not even know how he feels anymore. 

He's like a robot going through the motions. 

I have heard this from many men, when I attended group, from my brothers and my own boyfriends in their previous relationships.

They just "go along," until they meet a woman who inspires them to be better, to make effort and actually give a crap!!  

You will never inspire him by going along with what sounds like a very mediocre and unfulfilling relationship for both of you.

Both I and a few others suggested saying nothing, doing nothing and simply distancing yourself and making your own plans with friends, family or on your own.  Start becoming more independent, for yourself because it's better for you and you will become a more interesting and inspiring person as a result.

This may shake things up a bit, and yes he might start becoming more attentive and sweet but it won't last, it will only last until such time he has you back where he wants you - at home once again doing NOTHING.

There is a popular expression that I believe in and follow -- "people tend to value more the things we have to work for a bit."  By "work" I mean making effort!!

True for both men and women but imo mostly men because by nature they are the hunters, the doers especially when it comes to romance, relationships and mating.

Of course there are exceptions like I mentioned before where the woman is (and enjoys) being the leader and planning everything and being the "teacher," but I don't sense this is you OR the type of RL you want.

Frankly for me, I have NO desire to be my boyfriend's teacher, that is a MAJOR turn off for me, I would not last two seconds with a man who needed such teaching when it comes to our RL.  It's just not my nature.

As far as leading, BOTH people should be leading and making effort imo, those are the best relationships where there is a natural give and take and both people are making equal effort, perhaps in different ways but making equal effort nevertheless.

Your boyfriend is a grown man, at 22 you said he has become quite successful, bought himself a car, so yeah he knows what he should do, again he just doesn't want to.  With YOU.

It's up to you salley.  If you are happy with this mediocre relationship that is both uninspiring and unfulfilling then carry on and pick up his slack or continue going along with his agenda.

But if you want something more inspiring and more fulfilling which brings you joy and peace wherein you're both making effort and contributing, then either start "rocking the boat" which so many people are afraid to do imo or just break up with him.

I would probably do (and have done) the latter but it's up to you.

You have your entire life ahead of you, please don't waste precious time and energy on a man who as I said before acts like a damn robot going through the motions and may not even know how he feels about you or about the RL anymore.

I am truly sorry, you sound lovely and there IS a much better man out there for you but you won't ever meet by hanging around in this relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

He has no problem going out with friends,  yet when it's anything to do with you,  forget it.  Obviously he's not that invested in you,  doesn't care to care nor put forth the effort to be selfless and think of what both of you can do outside his parents' house.  ☹️

Either you'll have to continue planning every outing or be with a man who contributes toward the relationship with consideration in mind.

You could offer to "go dutch" aka pay your own way but I doubt it would solve this dilemma. 

He sounds very boring when it comes to you and becomes lively and enthusiastic regarding his friends.  🙄

It's your call.  Either put up and shut up or do something about it such as not be with a guy who only wants to sit at home and nothing else with you.

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's a lazy a$$ BF who really doesn't treat you the way you should be. IMO he is this way with you, and I doubt he will be willing to do more than what he has been doing. This relationship is worn out. There's a whole fun world out there for you to explore, and men who would be delighted to take you for dinners, the movies, etc. 

Like if he doesn't bring you along to hang with his friends, then you may as well be a FWB. You are not sharing your lives together. You just hang out at his place, while you do all the work. 

^ My thoughts exactly.  OP, you are still so young and it's so sad to see you wasting the best years of your life with a lazy boyfriend who just doesn't give a damn and who will NOT ever change his ways.  Please please don't waste the next ten years (or more) with this person and a non-relationship which will never go anywhere.  This guy sucks the life out of you and that's not a way to live.

There is so much more out there in the world and a lot better men who will appreciate you and treat you well.  This is your first relationship - this is a good example of what NOT to settle for.  There is so much more to life than wasting it on a lazy mediocre person.

Maybe time to tell him "sorry, it's just not working for me anymore".  Then wish him well and move on with your life and find happiness.  Go out there and thrive!

[MissCanuck]

I would just call it a day here. 

You've tried, OP. You've talked to him. You've tried to make this work. At some point, you have got to stop wasting your time. He just doesn't want to go out with you. 

When you someday meet a guy who's actually interested in you and wants to enjoy a nice relationship, my god, you will wonder why you tolerated this laziness, complacency and indifference for so long. 

[salley]

On 8/8/2024 at 10:48 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

@salley, I read this is your first relationship so it's understandable you went along with his agenda of staying inside, very VERY rarely going out, him never making plans or making any effort for that matter.  As you said, you had nothing to compare it to.

You think by suggesting things to do or making the plans yourself, basically picking up HIS slack, he will "learn" what to do as another poster suggested however I see this happening with young women so often and it NEVER ends well.

That said, I am not discounting those relationships where the women is the leader in the RL and doesn't mind making all the plans, there are RLs with this type of dynamic and that is fine, for them.

I am not getting that sense from you though not to mention when you DO suggest plans he shuts them down and prefers staying inside doing NOTHING.

So here's the thing.  When you continued to go along with his agenda and picking up his slack without challenging him, he got lazy and uninspired about you AND the RL and now he is most likely shut down and may not even know how he feels anymore. 

He's like a robot going through the motions. 

I have heard this from many men, when I attended group, from my brothers and my own boyfriends in their previous relationships.

They just "go along," until they meet a woman who inspires them to be better, to make effort and actually give a crap!!  

You will never inspire him by going along with what sounds like a very mediocre and unfulfilling relationship for both of you.

Both I and a few others suggested saying nothing, doing nothing and simply distancing yourself and making your own plans with friends, family or on your own.  Start becoming more independent, for yourself because it's better for you and you will become a more interesting and inspiring person as a result.

This may shake things up a bit, and yes he might start becoming more attentive and sweet but it won't last, it will only last until such time he has you back where he wants you - at home once again doing NOTHING.

There is a popular expression that I believe in and follow -- "people tend to value more the things we have to work for a bit."  By "work" I mean making effort!!

True for both men and women but imo mostly men because by nature they are the hunters, the doers especially when it comes to romance, relationships and mating.

Of course there are exceptions like I mentioned before where the woman is (and enjoys) being the leader and planning everything and being the "teacher," but I don't sense this is you OR the type of RL you want.

Frankly for me, I have NO desire to be my boyfriend's teacher, that is a MAJOR turn off for me, I would not last two seconds with a man who needed such teaching when it comes to our RL.  It's just not my nature.

As far as leading, BOTH people should be leading and making effort imo, those are the best relationships where there is a natural give and take and both people are making equal effort, perhaps in different ways but making equal effort nevertheless.

Your boyfriend is a grown man, at 22 you said he has become quite successful, bought himself a car, so yeah he knows what he should do, again he just doesn't want to.  With YOU.

It's up to you salley.  If you are happy with this mediocre relationship that is both uninspiring and unfulfilling then carry on and pick up his slack or continue going along with his agenda.

But if you want something more inspiring and more fulfilling which brings you joy and peace wherein you're both making effort and contributing, then either start "rocking the boat" which so many people are afraid to do imo or just break up with him.

I would probably do (and have done) the latter but it's up to you.

You have your entire life ahead of you, please don't waste precious time and energy on a man who as I said before acts like a damn robot going through the motions and may not even know how he feels about you or about the RL anymore.

I am truly sorry, you sound lovely and there IS a much better man out there for you but you won't ever meet by hanging around in this relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I really want to thank you so much for this.

I have been thinking about this reply from you a lot and i genuinely appreciate it so much.

Reading the replies here genuinely has helped open my eyes a little bit more.

I haven‘t spoken about it with him yet because i have been dreading it but i want to leave, i deserve to be taken out.

Genuinely thank you so so much!

I hope u have a wonderful day

[DarkCh0c0]

14 hours ago, salley said:

i deserve to be taken out.

You absolutely do. Take care 🩷

[Batya33]

16 hours ago, salley said:

I really want to thank you so much for this.

I have been thinking about this reply from you a lot and i genuinely appreciate it so much.

Reading the replies here genuinely has helped open my eyes a little bit more.

I haven‘t spoken about it with him yet because i have been dreading it but i want to leave, i deserve to be taken out.

Genuinely thank you so so much!

I hope u have a wonderful day

It's more than that you deserve a partner who desires to make you happy.  So a partner with that desire most often is curious about finding out what you like  to do and what makes you happy.  If it is going on dates then he will do that -and you on your end will do that for him or what he shares is what makes him happy.  So I'd reframe it not as you are some princess who deserves her man to plan a date and pay and plan some lavish evening out but rather  you deserve a partner who is motivated to enhance your life.  This is one way and he clearly knows  you want this, he does this for his friends -plans outings, goes on outings so I can imagine it's hurtful to see him do this for others regularly.  Good luck and  take care.