boyfriend who never plans dates. What do you think?

[salley]

Hey!

I (21F) am in a long term relationship with my boyfriend w my boyfriend (22M). 

We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. Since he didn‘t have a car or his license yet and didn‘t have much money, i never minded just meeting at his place. I also never minded paying for him when we DID go out or just paying myself, even though i was also super broke but i put money to the side for when we did go outside.

We maybe, in total in 3 years, went outside 10 times max. 

It usually is my idea to go outside. I will tell him to go places with me, invite him to run errands with me or suggest where to go. 

He did maybe once? and that was a thing of "hey let‘s go there but i don‘t know what to do rlly“.

Which is fine but not ALL the time. I personally don‘t mind planning or my boyfriend not planning all the time but he never ever planned anything for me. 

Now he has his license, a car and makes quite a bit of money (i am mentioning this because I always excused this behavior thinking oh he doesn‘t have a car and not much money but now he does and he still only wants to meet at his parents place). 

I also thought that maybe he just does not know what i like but i always suggest places we could go to but we never actually go because he never plans anything and I am the one who has to ask him.

I told him that him only wanting to meet at his place (which gets boring after a few hours because there isn‘t much to do) does not make me feel appreciated and loved. I told him that i get bored after a while and all he says is that he does not know what to do about it and that he doesn‘t know what I like (like i said, i suggest places ALL the time and i love all kinds of food. I am pretty easy to please and when he is struggling financially, I‘ll pay for us both, he knows that).

However, when he is with his friends, they‘ll go places. He is a homebody with me but not with them. 

I just don‘t rlly know what to do or if i should even accept this because this isn‘t what i want. I still love him a lot and want it to work out.

Am i making a big deal out of something that isn‘t actually a big deal? 

[DarkCh0c0]

40 minutes ago, salley said:

this isn‘t what i want. I still love him a lot and want it to work out

These are contradicting with each other.

Why do you feel it's OKAY to bury your needs just to cater to his? Why is it OKAY to live things his way? Why is it okay for you that he does NOT put in any effort to take you out and have a good relationship outside home too? No shared activities?

Honey, loving feelings are not enough to sustain a relationship. Loving actions matter too. This is your first serious relationship as an adult, so you are learning this.

You can love him, but accept that he takes you for granted and has proven to you over and over that you're not worth putting effort into. He most probably likes that you're easy. He has a good deal; sex, cuddles, intimacy, food, and so forth for little in exchange.

But you are worth WAY more. You deserve someone who puts in effort as much as you do without any nagging at all OP. And you're not asking for much. That's the bare minimum to get from a partner. And he's proven to you that he's not at all a good the candidate for this.

How do you feel reading all this?

[Andrina]

How about realizing you've outgrown this relationship? In actuality, you've been settling since the get-go, perhaps with little dating experience and not knowing any better. Now you're a bit older and are seeing that even with him being better off financially, that it hasn't made any difference. Love isn't the only requirement that will make for a successful partnership. So many more major things need to go along with that.

40 minutes ago, salley said:

I told him that i get bored after a while and all he says is that he does not know what to do about it and that he doesn‘t know what I like (like i said, i suggest places ALL the time and i love all kinds of food. I am pretty easy to please and when he is struggling financially, I‘ll pay for us both, he knows that).

However, when he is with his friends, they‘ll go places. He is a homebody with me but not with them. 

Isn't this a sign he doesn't care enough about you to please you in this very reasonable way? Sounds like he's just not that into you, but maybe too cowardly to break up.

If you want to give it one last effort before throwing in the towel, I'd say and do this:

From now on, we're going to take turns planning our weekly outing. And being at your parent's place if off limits. 

When it's his turn, do not mention any get together with him at all. See if he plans something. If he calls and says, So you didn't say anything about Saturday. You coming over, or do you have any ideas?

You say: You know what the deal is. It's your turn, so call me when you've come up with a plan.

Do not prod him in between. If he doesn't call at all or make any plan, take a hint. If you are always the first to reach out in texts, calls, etc., stop doing that. Only match his effort. See if he reaches out first or not at all. 

You sound more mature and that you've been the one mostly driving this train. Perhaps it's time for you to see this as your starter relationship where you've learned what you do and don't want in a partner. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Kwothe28]

I have a friend. Anyway, I am not sure he ever got out on a date with a girlfriend. They usually hook up first night and than they just see each other at home and maybe go for a walk or go out with bigger crowd of people. His ex girlfriend of 8 years begged him to take her out because they didnt went out on a date like never. And he still didnt do it. His new one bought him a gift for 1 month anniversary. He didnt bought her anything. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, you are expecting way too much from somebody who doesnt care about stuff like that. He maybe cares about you, but he really doesnt pay attention to what you want and need. Its a legitimate issue and you are not crazy to think something is wrong there. And I am afraid there isnt "fixing it". My friend is like that for 20 years and that never changed no matter what girlfriend he had. This is not about you, its about him and his inability to do stuff you mentioned. Plan dates, take you out etc. He just wont make an effort and would rather for you two to sit in his home and do nothing than to maybe take you out on drinks or even dinner every now and then. 

[yogacat]

He sees you as a second mom cleaning up after his mess. No, you're not making a big deal out of it.

He should be doing 50% of the physical or planned things. Since he doesn't have any ideas, he can clean things, do laundry, and cook dinner for you. The man your age should be planning and spoiling you, in flowers, gourmet home cooked meal while watching Lifetime for a Sunday chill out with low lights on candles experience. . . Wink Wink

I think he just doesn't appreciate you enough. You can do better with someone who cares more and doesn't take you for granted.

[rainbowsandroses]

If me, I would start distancing myself, being less available and make plans to go out with friends or do fun things on your own like visiting a museum or zoo or something interesting.

You have already talked to him about this, nothing has changed, he doesn't care.

So it make NO sense to bring this up again.

Simply distance and let him think about why.

IF he cares, he will perk up and start making effort. 

If he doesn't, let this fade until it dies a natural death or kill it yourself by formally breaking up with him.

[TeeDee]

Some people aren't planners.   My husband rarely plans dates.  I am just so much better at it.  I organize most of our social life.  He plans our anniversary & my birthday. 

You may have to empower him because for the duration of the relationship he had no responsibility for this.  You are going to have to teach him now.  

[catfeeder]

When he goes out places with his friends, what do you do?

[salley]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

These are contradicting with each other.

Why do you feel it's OKAY to bury your needs just to cater to his? Why is it OKAY to live things his way? Why is it okay for you that he does NOT put in any effort to take you out and have a good relationship outside home too? No shared activities?

Honey, loving feelings are not enough to sustain a relationship. Loving actions matter too. This is your first serious relationship as an adult, so you are learning this.

You can love him, but accept that he takes you for granted and has proven to you over and over that you're not worth putting effort into. He most probably likes that you're easy. He has a good deal; sex, cuddles, intimacy, food, and so forth for little in exchange.

But you are worth WAY more. You deserve someone who puts in effort as much as you do without any nagging at all OP. And you're not asking for much. That's the bare minimum to get from a partner. And he's proven to you that he's not at all a good the candidate for this.

How do you feel reading all this?

Yes thank you for this!

I usually don‘t think much about it because it makes me anxious, so i just let it be but when I do think about it, i realize that this isn‘t what i want. That‘s probably why i contradict myself a little bit. 

 

[salley]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

How about realizing you've outgrown this relationship? In actuality, you've been settling since the get-go, perhaps with little dating experience and not knowing any better. Now you're a bit older and are seeing that even with him being better off financially, that it hasn't made any difference. Love isn't the only requirement that will make for a successful partnership. So many more major things need to go along with that.

Isn't this a sign he doesn't care enough about you to please you in this very reasonable way? Sounds like he's just not that into you, but maybe too cowardly to break up.

If you want to give it one last effort before throwing in the towel, I'd say and do this:

From now on, we're going to take turns planning our weekly outing. And being at your parent's place if off limits. 

When it's his turn, do not mention any get together with him at all. See if he plans something. If he calls and says, So you didn't say anything about Saturday. You coming over, or do you have any ideas?

You say: You know what the deal is. It's your turn, so call me when you've come up with a plan.

Do not prod him in between. If he doesn't call at all or make any plan, take a hint. If you are always the first to reach out in texts, calls, etc., stop doing that. Only match his effort. See if he reaches out first or not at all. 

You sound more mature and that you've been the one mostly driving this train. Perhaps it's time for you to see this as your starter relationship where you've learned what you do and don't want in a partner. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

That‘s probably part of the problem! He‘s my very first boyfriend and i don‘t have any experience apart from this, so i don‘r really know what‘s normal and what isn‘t. 

I could try asking him to just do it and to take turns, that‘s a really good idea. 

 

[salley]

18 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Some people aren't planners.   My husband rarely plans dates.  I am just so much better at it.  I organize most of our social life.  He plans our anniversary & my birthday. 

You may have to empower him because for the duration of the relationship he had no responsibility for this.  You are going to have to teach him now.  

That‘s what I am trying to do. 
I keep telling him places i would like to go. It‘s my birthday soon and i suggested his gift to me could be a day at an entertainment park that he would plan for me. 
I‘ll see how that goes.

[salley]

12 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

When he goes out places with his friends, what do you do?

I usually am either at school, work or spending time with my sister and the rest of my family

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, salley said:

Yes thank you for this!

I usually don‘t think much about it because it makes me anxious, so i just let it be but when I do think about it, i realize that this isn‘t what i want. That‘s probably why i contradict myself a little bit. 

 

It's not about money or vehicles.  In the 1950s my parents started dating when he was 19 and she was 16.  No car no money to speak of and my dad took public transportation to take out my mother- they went for pizza and chinese food, they went to museums and parks.  In the 1980s my best HS friend and me each had boyfriends one year older -we were 16- again no money really no car.  We went out with friends/to friend's houses, the movies, the diner after for snacks, went out dancing.  Rollerskating (indoors).  My HS friend married him in 1987 and they plan and do lots of stuff -movies, international and domestic travel, plans with friends -they are in their late 50s.

This is who he is and you teach people how to treat you.  I'm all for making one last ditch effort but then he has to do the planning or figure it out on his own.  He has a job and makes good money -so he is able to figure out his work stuff on his own -right? Get more training if need be.  He will do it if he wants to.  

Good luck and take care.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, salley said:

That‘s what I am trying to do. 
I keep telling him places i would like to go. It‘s my birthday soon and i suggested his gift to me could be a day at an entertainment park that he would plan for me. 
I‘ll see how that goes.

@salleyI don't advise this^^.  He is a grown man, he makes plans with his friends, he KNOWS what to do.

He has simply gotten lazy and complacent and doesn't want to. 

By you making suggestions or planning things for the two of you yourself, you are picking up HIS slack which is a form of enabling his lazy behavior.

IMO your relationship needs some shaking up.  It's do or die.

Show him with actions NOT words or enabling that this is no longer acceptable and start distancing and doing things on your own.

Maybe he will miss you, maybe not.  Maybe he will realize how lazy he's been and if he doesn't start making effort, you're gone. 

Say nothing and let your actions do all the talking.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

Some people aren't planners.   My husband rarely plans dates.  I am just so much better at it.  I organize most of our social life.  He plans our anniversary & my birthday. 

You may have to empower him because for the duration of the relationship he had no responsibility for this.  You are going to have to teach him now.  

I would agree with this.

My long-term ex was more of a planner than I am (and I consider myself a planner). He always made plans for us 2-3 in advance, more so than myself, and sometimes I would get a bit exhausted and prefer quieter nights.

You can’t change anyone. Some people just don’t plan. 

But in this case you have been together for 3 years and have gone out 10 times! That's incredible! I'm an introvert and a homebody myself but even I go out more than that. I'm not blaming him entirely since you obviously haven't been forced to actually go out because you were giving him a free ticket not to. It is absolutely reasonable that you require some more effort from him. This is really on the ridiculous side on his part. 

What exactly do you gain here? You either leave or except him being a pet project. 

Three years and you’ve gone outside 10 times (that's 3x/year) --> that’s an extreme homebody for a boyfriend and would not want that as my life. Maybe for someone else, but it's not for you!

The fact that you can recall on two hands the few activities you’ve done that’s bananers.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, salley said:

However, when he is with his friends, they‘ll go places. He is a homebody with me but not with them. 

Re-quoted for emphasis...

He can plan and go places with his friends because he wants to.

With you, he doesn't want to. 

That's really the bottom line and no amount of you suggesting things to do, planning or picking up his slack is gonna change that. 

I'm sorry. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Re-quoted for emphasis...

He can plan and go places with his friends because he wants to.

With you, he doesn't want to. 

That's really the bottom line and no amount of you suggesting things to do, planning or picking up his slack is gonna change that. 

I'm sorry. 

 

I agree.

That's what stood out to me to he's happy to do it with his friends, but not to his gf.

He just takes her for granted. No amount of nagging solves that.

OP he's shown you who his is and this is what you'll get for the rest of this relationship with him. Is this what you want for yourself? What if you were to set yourself free to find a better match? Someone who meets you at your level without asking him to? Just naturally is into you and wants to explore the world with you?

[arjumand]

Or what if you were to set yourself free and find out more about yourself and the many different ways you could live your life -- different careers, different places to live, different kinds of people -- and then figure out what kind of person you want to share your life with. You should not stick to sharing your life with someone just because you have been seeing him for years -- you deserve better, and you know it. 

 

 

[Andrina]

I'm curious as to what activities he does with his friends and how often he gets together with them. Are they bar hopping? Are they all single? Have you met them? What kind of people do you perceive them to be? Upstanding? Players? Is he regularly engaging in activities that might be unhealthy for your relationship, if in fact going to a bar is the only thing he does with friends?

Do his friends not have gfs or wives that you double date with? Sometimes, when a guy avoids being out in public with a woman, it's because he wants to be perceived as single.

Just some thoughts in case any of this fits your situation.

[salley]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'm curious as to what activities he does with his friends and how often he gets together with them. Are they bar hopping? Are they all single? Have you met them? What kind of people do you perceive them to be? Upstanding? Players? Is he regularly engaging in activities that might be unhealthy for your relationship, if in fact going to a bar is the only thing he does with friends?

Do his friends not have gfs or wives that you double date with? Sometimes, when a guy avoids being out in public with a woman, it's because he wants to be perceived as single.

Just some thoughts in case any of this fits your situation.

they go to bars and the gym usually. They‘ll also go swimming, eat out and all that stuff. His friends r both single. One of them i know well-ish and i don‘t really like him because he is always either high or drunk and the other one i barely know, so i can‘t really say much.

 

 

 

[salley]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I would agree with this.

My long-term ex was more of a planner than I am (and I consider myself a planner). He always made plans for us 2-3 in advance, more so than myself, and sometimes I would get a bit exhausted and prefer quieter nights.

You can’t change anyone. Some people just don’t plan. 

But in this case you have been together for 3 years and have gone out 10 times! That's incredible! I'm an introvert and a homebody myself but even I go out more than that. I'm not blaming him entirely since you obviously haven't been forced to actually go out because you were giving him a free ticket not to. It is absolutely reasonable that you require some more effort from him. This is really on the ridiculous side on his part. 

What exactly do you gain here? You either leave or except him being a pet project. 

Three years and you’ve gone outside 10 times (that's 3x/year) --> that’s an extreme homebody for a boyfriend and would not want that as my life. Maybe for someone else, but it's not for you!

The fact that you can recall on two hands the few activities you’ve done that’s bananers.

yes, i know that this is partially my fault because i never asked for it in the beginning and he never knew until a year ago that i have a problem with just staying in (which personally i don‘t think EVERYTHING has to be communicated all the time because ofc i want to go outside) but yes it was 10-11 times and this year we were out 2 times. 

[salley]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@salleyI don't advise this^^.  He is a grown man, he makes plans with his friends, he KNOWS what to do.

He has simply gotten lazy and complacent and doesn't want to. 

By you making suggestions or planning things for the two of you yourself, you are picking up HIS slack which is a form of enabling his lazy behavior.

IMO your relationship needs some shaking up.  It's do or die.

Show him with actions NOT words or enabling that this is no longer acceptable and start distancing and doing things on your own.

Maybe he will miss you, maybe not.  Maybe he will realize how lazy he's been and if he doesn't start making effort, you're gone. 

Say nothing and let your actions do all the talking.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

Thank you for your responses

I usually have a hard time keeping my word and just distancing myself when it comes to him because he will do this and then be the sweetest person in other areas but i do know that that does not excuse a thing and just enables his behavior.

Im thinking about telling my parents about this because it‘s just very embarrassing. That will force me to just leave him out of embarrassment.😂

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, salley said:

I usually am either at school, work or spending time with my sister and the rest of my family

I'd suggest you start going out with friends and/or sister instead. He has no motivation to 'date' you when he gets his entertainment time with buddies while you're safely tucked away with family. Skip that. Cultivate a social life of your own. This serves two purposes. First, it makes you more intriguing, less boring, not only to your BF, but to yourself. Second, you become less reliant on BF for your own social life, and you may even find upon exploration of the world that BF isn't the only game in town. And if that doesn't perk him up and put him on his toes, he risks losing you.

[yogacat]

12 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'd suggest you start going out with friends and/or sister instead. He has no motivation to 'date' you when he gets his entertainment time with buddies while you're safely tucked away with family. Skip that. Cultivate a social life of your own. This serves two purposes. First, it makes you more intriguing, less boring, not only to your BF, but to yourself. Second, you become less reliant on BF for your own social life, and you may even find upon exploration of the world that BF isn't the only game in town. And if that doesn't perk him up and put him on his toes, he risks losing you.

I would even go a step farther and not make myself available to hang out at his or his parents house. If you never go out on dates together, maybe he's just using you for sex. Are you physically intimate with him? Truly committed partners make an effort to go on outings and spend quality time together. Based on the lack of dating, it looks like your relationship is more of a friends with benefits situation rather than a serious romantic one.

[smackie9]

He's a lazy a$$ BF who really doesn't treat you the way you should be. IMO he is this way with you, and I doubt he will be willing to do more than what he has been doing. This relationship is worn out. There's a whole fun world out there for you to explore, and men who would be delighted to take you for dinners, the movies, etc. 

Like if he doesn't bring you along to hang with his friends, then you may as well be a FWB. You are not sharing your lives together. You just hang out at his place, while you do all the work.